Toshiro's Strange Addiction
Author's Note: This is a gift for Cerulean_Gaze
This program depicts addictive behaviours that are dangerous and risky in nature.
Viewer discretion is advised.
A young man, another strange addiction. Let's meet the star of this episode.
"Uh, my name is Toshiro Hijikata and today I am here to talk about my addiction. So, I think my addiction to nicotine started when-"
"Woah, woah, woah! Who said anything about your smoking habits? You're here because of your horrible obsession with that yellow blob!"
"...What?"
Toshiro apparently doesn't know the real reason why he is here. After fighting for ten minutes with his partner, who crashed his interview, he will finally reveal to us his true addiction.
"First of all my love for the wonderful condiment that is Mayonnaise is not an addiction. It's a blessing. Or as I like to call it... affection."
"It's called an addiction you moron!"
"Why the hell are you still here?! And you have no room to talk with all that sugar you drown yourself in!"
Another ten minutes later...
"Other people don't get my love and appreciation for this gift given to humanity in the form of Mayo. But I don't expect some simpletons to understand anyway.
Toshiro's boyfriend, who has already interrupted him twice, is here to share his worries.
Gintoki Sakata, Toshiro's boyfriend
"I can't take it anymore! All this mayonnaise here, mayonnaise there, mayonnaise everywhere- oh, hey I just rhymed- but that's not important. What's important here is my health because he is putting it at risk with all the Mayo he hides in our house! I can even smell it in the bathroom! Do you know how disgusting that is?! Imagine waking up in the morning and entering your bathroom and all you can smell is that !? It makes me want to throw up! I told him that if he keeps buying that horrendous thing then he can go and suck on a bottle of mayonnaise instead of my- oh shit. I should probably not say this on national television."
Kondo Isao, best friend and boss of Toshiro
"Look... as a mother you want to be supportive of your kids. Even if they make a mistake. Even if they ask you for all of your money because they have to absolutely buy all the mayo in the store to put in their personal collection and you are left eating only plain rice for the rest of the month just so you can make ends meet... it doesn't matter. A mother loves and protects his children-"
"Except you're not his mother but his fucking boss. You know you can say no when he asks you for cash, right?"
"...What are you doing here?"
"Open your eyes. You're living a lie, Gori."
"Can I please go on with my interview in peace?"
"No! I'm bored okay?!"
Shinsuke Takasugi, best (not) friend of Toshiro's boyfriend and has no apparent relation to Toshiro
"Alright, with Gintoki I can almost understand but... why the fuck am I here for his boyfriend? Are you guys trying to get more views by inviting me? And I don't give a shit about their addictions. One is as fucking weird as the other. They honestly deserve each other."
"Aww Sugi! Do we finally have your blessing?"
"Shut the fuck up Gintoki and go back to your sugar hole!"
For the moment Gintoki has to be taken away because he keeps crashing interviews.
Sougo Okita, arch-enemy and aspiring number one killer of Toshiro
"He once called me in the middle of the night and asked me to bail him out of jail because inside his house the police found more than a hundred bottles of stolen mayonnaise that were part of a new brand that still wasn't sold to the public. What he doesn't know is that I am the one who ratted him out."
Gintoki
"He has even put together a gang with all the mayo-lovers. When I get back home from work I find them all huddled together and whispering, as if they're discussing about killing their next victim or something. How I wish it was that! At least it would be less problematic. Instead all they do is go crazy over mayonnaise! And he didn't even let me sit with them in our living room! He was like 'This is my new support group and every night we will reunite here to talk about the wonders of Mayonnaise' and I was like 'I think the fuck not.'"
Toshiro
"We go by two names. Either 'Lil' Sauce' or 'Mayo Gang'. I have heard of the 'Gucci Gang', but our Gang is so much better."
Gintoki
"And when we're outside he tells me to call him 'Big Leader Naynay' so everyone knows where 'his heart belongs.'"
Toshiro
"I want people to know how much I adore Mayonnaise. I mean, everyone has a passion. It's not weird."
Gintoki
"It's really fucking weird."
Toshiro had some struggles in the past with people who 'don't get Mayonnaise like he does'- in his own words.
Toshiro
"I hate people who hate Mayonnaise because it means they were born without a brain and only stupidity reigns inside their heads. But what I really despise are people who can't write Mayonnaise right and instead end up scribbling 'maionais'. How much of an idiot do you have to be to mistake this wondrous name? And everyone knows that Mayonnaise is written with a capital 'M' because important things always have capital letters!"
Sougo
"Last year for his birthday I decided to gift him something special. That's why I wrote 'maionais' all over his white car in black permanent marker to piss him off. It worked."
Toshiro
"When I find that fucker who destroyed my car in such a disgraceful way I swear not even all the Mayonnaise in the world will save them."
We asked Toshiro if he has a favorite way of eating mayonnaise.
"I don't think I have a favorite way simply because I like to eat it in every way, not only on its own. Since discovering this wonderful dish I have been pairing it with other foods to create a new and unique taste. And let me tell you, I have always been a coffee drinker but since I started adding Mayo on top of it... coffee has never tasted better."
Sougo
"When he puts mayonnaise on his coffee it makes me want to rip my heart out. And I don't even think I have a heart."
Sagaru Yamazaki, also known as Jimmy, he is irrelevant
"Hello, my name is-"
Sagaru's interview is cut short because he is not relevant in Toshiro's life, or in life in general.
Toshiro
"I bought another house just so I could have a place to store the rest of my delicious collection of Mayo, since it didn't fit in our home. Even the bathroom is full."
"You bought a house for your dog food addiction?! Without telling me?!"
"The fuck did you just call this wonderful gift sent to us by the Heavens?! And I told you to shut up already when you're the one addicted to that disgusting diabetes-provoking-shit!"
"I dare you to repeat that you fucking moron! Did all that yellow turd get to your brain?! Have you finally gone completely mad Oogushi?!"
"Who the hell is this Oogushi?! And take back everything you said because Mayo is love! Mayo is life! Mayo is-"
The next minutes of footage cannot be shown because for some reason Gintoki and Toshiro start to furiously make out.
Gintoki
"...He's strangely attractive when he gets so passionate about mayonnaise. He has this weird charm that I can't seem to resist."
Sougo
"I think they both have problems. Mental problems."
We asked our guests on how they plan to help Toshiro overcome his addiction and their final thoughts on it.
Isao
"I will support him in this difficult journey with my money and my motherly love."
Shinsuke
"Get that camera out of my face or I'll fucking sue you!"
Sougo
"I hope he will suffocate on all that mayo, or maybe poison himself with it, or maybe ask for my help to finally die- I mean... I hope he gets help."
Jimmy
"I think-"
Gintoki
"What am I gonna do if he leaves me because he thinks mayonnaise can take better care of his needs?!"
After the program Toshiro has taken his passion for Mayonnaise to the next level and now he has weekly meetings in his office that he swears are for educational purposes only on mayonnaise and not because he is starting a cult.
Gintoki tried to sit in one of the meetings and ended up waking the next day dressed as a bottle of Mayo. For revenge he made Toshiro dress up as cotton candy. They still furiously made out in their costumes.
Isao is still convinced he is Toshiro's mother and he wants the best for his son.
Shinsuke is probably going to sue us.
Sougo is still trying to become Toshiro's number one killer. We wish him the best of luck.
To this day Jimmy is still irrelevant.
The Mayo Gang has gained 2 new members since this interview.
Part 3 of Nonsesne... And Other Stupid Stuff
. . .
Author's Note: I was finally able to finish this one! I don't really share Toshi's passion for Mayo but can we appreciate this man creating a Gang for it?