A/N: Dear Reader, I don't care if you like this or not. It's a birthday gift, so I really could care less about what people I don't know think of something. But if you do like it, THAT'S GREAT!

Dear Bailey, Happy 15th birthday!

For Bay-chan, my Bo-chan

Part i
Once upon a time, (around November, 2010) I was in London with my best friend, Bailey. The sun was just starting to set when the entire foundation of the city started to shake. A huge, earth rattling shake, like how the inside of maracas must feel. Then, out of nowhere, this giant machine came up out of the ground and started terrorizing the Londoners. But now, I guess they would be LonDOOMers. Ha-ha. ...ha? Oh well.
Anyway, Bailey thought she saw someone standing on this machine, looking ready to jump, or something. "Look, Madison!" Bailey exclaimed, "I think there is someone standing on this machine, looking ready to jump, or something!"
I took out my binoculars that I won from the back of a cereal box, and that's when I first saw him.
At that moment, I knew I was in love...

Now, you're probably thinking that I fell for this Clive Dove kid that everyone's talking about. Not so!(my physics book says that a lot, so it must be a smart thing to say.) I'll give you a couple of hints as to who it is. In story form :D

I lowered my binoculars and asked Bailey, "Who's that sexy piece of muffin?" She gave me a very strange look, one of confusion and disgust. Probably because I've never really liked guys before. AND THAT'S NOT A LESBIAN JOKE, SO STOP LAUGHING! Psh! You bunch of pervies.
"Do you not see him?" I asked as I handed off the binoculars. "Can you not see his hunched silhouette? The way he casually has his hand down his pants? Or maybe from the angle you are standing, you cannot see the beautiful glimmer of the last lights of the setting sun glistening off of his upward-sticking teeth. Can you not see the magnificent hair this man has? It must have been made by angels, and fairies, and unicorns, with only the finest fingertips to make it so soft looking and ... blue. Oh how I wish to pet it with my bare feet! And to finish it off, just look at his eyes masked by sunglasses when he clearly doesn't need such eye gear whilst gazing at the setting sun. Oh, such mystery in this man. I wish I could meet him!"
"...you're weird."
I just sighed in a star crossed daze.
"But I will ship this pairing...OF MADI-CHANXLOCKJAWFOREVER!"
I was all smiley face. "So you'll help me?"
"Of course! And what's the worst that could happen?"
Just then, a mechanical foot of the machine came crashing down, barely giving us time to get out of the way. The foot-thingy left a giant hole in the street. "Wait. How did you know the guy's name?"
"I don't. Just look at his jaw!" It protruded quite far from his face in a strange and unusual way that was really hard to look at. "That's what we're calling him until we know his real name."
"Alright!" I exclaimed.
Then I saw something move out of the upper right corner of my right eye. I turned my head so that the thing that had caught my attention was now in the center of my field of vision, and what I saw was an incredible sight to behold.
I saw Lockjaw jumping off of the machine with an immeasurable amount of grace…. or something close to grace.

Part ii
I saw someone looking at me from the edge of the Mobile Fortress. I was considering just ending it all before the police took over, because as always, we bad guys never win. But there was something different about this girl. I turn on the zoom function on my sunglasses that I won from the back of a cereal box. Well, technically I got second place and would have only gotten normal binoculars if I hadn't wrestled away the grand prize from the real winner, who looked like a skinny, tall, and obviously gay ginger boy with boobs. So I turned on my glasses and it was him-I mean, her. She was looking back at me through the second place binoculars. But... looking at her this way was different. A feeling only someone who has been in love can really understand.
I needed to meet her.
I reached out my hand and walked forward. But when you're in love, I can truthfully say that you do become blind to everything else except for that person. I took too big of a step and fell right off the machine.

Part iii
"WE HAVE TO HELP HIM, BAILEY!" I screamed. I ran as fast as my high arches would allow, to where Lockjaw was about to land. From my backpack, I pulled out a fireman's trampoline. It's like the kind they use when people jump from burning buildings, but this one is collapsible. Bailey and I positioned it between ourselves and waited for him to come down. The look on his face went from neutral to slight relief, while I smiled big. We caught him in the trampoline, and lowered him the full two inches back to the ground.
"Hi," he and I said at the same time. We just looked into each other's eyes for the longest time.
The sun set, and the stars came out, all 5,672,943 of them (I counted them last night because I have insomnia, and Bailey falls asleep as soon as her head hits the leopard printed pillow). The moon rose and set and then the red of a new day came into view. "Hi" I said again.
"Hi. ... Um I should introduce myself. My name is Lockjaw, and I certainly, without a doubt, love you with all of my heart."
"Oh, Lockjaw! I'm so happy to hear that! And I love you too! My name is Madison, but you could call me whatever you would like!"
"Madison. A beautiful name for a beautiful girl. Pray tell, Will you marry me?" he asked.
"I was just about to ask you the same! I will, Lockjaw! I will marry you!"
Bailey squeed in excitement. "Ooh a wedding! I'm squeeing in excitement! This will be so much fun to plan. We need a dress, flowers, cake, a venue to host it in... Oh! And Australia! You could honeymoon there! You two won't have to worry about a thing, I'll take care of all of it," she grabbed us both, and dragged us all the way to St. Paul's Cathedral, where everything was set up and ready. "I'm sorry, Mr. Lockjaw," she said "but you can't see the bride before the wedding," and she pulled me away to a bridal room which had my wedding dress waiting for me.
It was the poofiest, frilliest, itchiest, glitter-bomb-iriffick dress I had ever seen in my whole life. Not even on 'My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding' had I ever seen such a dress. It even had 'I heart Lockjaw' appliquéd on the front. I just had to tell her the truth about it. I turned to her and said, "Bailey. I just have to tell you the truth about this... this dress...it's ... I FREAKIN' LOVE IT!"
"Really! I just knew you would w! Now, everyone's waiting for us. Let me get this dress on you," Bailey closed her eyes and stripped me of my clothes, replacing them with the dress. I got stuck for a little bit, but we avoid any and all yuri-like scenes. "There. You look amazing. Let's go get you married."
We made our way to the marriage room...thingy...majig...and there was a guy in a top hat to walk me down the aisle. "I found this guy walking down the street," Bailey whispered "Just pretend he's your dad, and I'll be your maid of honour."
"Don't you mean 'honor'?" I asked
"No, this is England. It's 'honour'."
So I walked down the aisle with this professor looking guy on my arm. He wasn't as beautiful as Lockjaw, but it was okay because I was on my way to him. I got up there and handed Bailey my bouquet of flowers. And yes, it is pronounced 'bow-ket'. Lockjaw took his hands in mine, as this weird guy in purple with a weird beard and pointy mustache read his book at us. I saw that his name tag said 'mY WifE' so it must be his name. mY WifE asked a question to Lockjaw I guess, because he said "I do"
I didn't want to be left out so I said "I do, too!"
mY WifE said "Lockjaw, you may now kiss the bride" Lockjaw leaned in and so did I.
"Our first kiss," I whispered. My entire head nearly fit in his mouth, but it wasn't too awkward. But we didn't kiss again after that, either.
We exited the marriage room thingy majig, and then rude people we didn't even know started throwing rice at us! The nerve of them to throw rice at newlyweds! "WE NEED TO ESCAPE!" I yelled at Lockjaw. He nodded in response, but I think he might have been just trying to get rice out of his ear. "Look, a helicopter! We'll ride that to safety!" I said. But while we were taking off, they still kept throwing rice at us with stupid smiles on their faces until we got too high to get thrown at. I turned to Bailey who was sitting next to me. "Well, that was very rude of them!"
"Don't you know, Madison? It's for good luck."
"Oh. Well that was very nice of them!" I smiled and waved back at the people, "Thank you for the rice!" I shouted. Then a giant piece of rice was heading straight for the helicopter! "Wow! How much good luck do you think that will bring us? Um... Pilot? Should we get out of the way? Pilot?" But there was nobody there.
Lockjaw got up and said, "Nobody worry. I'll take care of this," he headed toward the cockpit. (That's what she said-GREEN!)
"YELLOW!" Bailey said.
"No, honey, that was in the narrative. You didn't have to say a color," I said.
"You mean 'colour'. We're still in England."
"Oh, yes, of course," I said in a British Accent.
Then Lockjaw started to say something, but it was too late.

Part iv
I couldn't control the copter. It was stuck in auto-pilot, and the giant rice grain was coming at us faster and faster, which defied the laws of physics. I tried to crack the four-digit number lock on the auto-pilot switch, but it was to no avail. I turned to my wife and sort of sister-in-law.
"We need to jump!" I started to yell, but it was too late. The rice grain hit the chopper with full force. Who invited that guy? I thought. Just as the rice hit us, I saw Bostro laughing in his ape-like way. The girls were screaming as we were plummeting back to Earth. The helicopter crashed loudly and shrapnel expanded into the desert surroundings that we crashed in.
Then there was the silence. The awful silence of wondering if you were the only one to survive. "Madison! Other girl!" I called out. I never did get her name. I heard a moan, and I saw a lump of white, glittery tulle move. That must be Madison, I tried to get up, but my legs failed me. So I crawled my way over there. "Madison! Are you okay?"
She sat up partly "I-I'm fine," she whispered. "But where's Bailey?"
That must be her name. We looked around, but saw no sign of her. But don't worry. She's okay, Bailey just landed somewhere else. I won't tell you where because that would spoil a scene in the middle.
"Lockjaw! You're legs! They're broken!" She tried to help me up, but I was too heavy for her. But then again, mostly everything is too heavy for her.
Then, a big, red Jeep pulled up next to us. A guy leaned his head out of the passenger side window. "'Ello mates! You need some help?" he asked. We were definitely in Australia. Which is where we wanted to be, so I guess it wasn't that bad.
"Oh yes. We do need help. We need to get to a hospital; my husband's legs are broken."
"No problem, Mate. I have fairy dust that will fix that right up! Here," He got out of the Jeep and took out a purple velvet pouch from his pocket and sprinkled its contents on my legs. "There you are, Mate. Try walking," he said. I got up, and could walk and jump and run better than I ever had before.
"Thank you, Gov'nah," I said.
"Whoa, mate! An Englishman! Please, let me treat you to a stay at my uncle's hotel. Hop in."
I carried Madison to the car, princess style, and she got a hoot out of that. Then we were off!

Part v
We stayed at the hotel for five weeks, with still no sign of Bailey. But we really got attached to this country-continent. I turned to Lockjaw and said, "Lockjaw, what would you think about living here?" I never did change out of my wedding dress.
"I'd love it," he said. Lockjaw was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts.
"But what if ... we lived on a boat? Would that be okay?"
"Even better. Let's do that now."
"Right now?"
"Right now," He took me by the hand and led me to the white limousine we had rented. Then he remembered our bags, so he went back inside to get them and to check out. He came back and put the bags in the trunk.
"Alright. Now we go right now."
We made our way to Sydney and Lockjaw negotiated a price for the house boat we had found.
"Will that be credit or debit?" the fat guy asked.
"Cash," responded Lockjaw. He took out a metal violin case and opened it. It was stuffed with money from various countries. This would be a red flag to any well educated business man, but the fat guy didn't seem to care.
"Alright then! The boat's all yours!"
"Yay!" I said.
We got settled into the boat, and after Lockjaw threw up three times, he finally got his sea legs. "Now what do you want to do?" I asked.
"How about something on land? Like the zoo?"
"That sounds fun! But the penguins and kangaroos are top priority," I said.

Part vi
I never want to go to a zoo ever again. Even just the word 'zoo' is an assault on my ears. Here's what happened:
We were at the zoo, and everything was just peachy. We rode the merry-go-round, shared cotton candy, saw the dolphins and penguins, and then we were going to look at the kangaroos. It was lunch time for the kangaroos, and the zoo keeper asked for a volunteer to help him feed them. And naturally, he picked Madison. I helped her over the small fence into the kangaroos' habitat. She looked to really be having fun, looking back at me every so often to smile, and I would wave back. But this one kangaroo just wanted more food from her. She gave him some more, but the zoo keeper told her to make sure the other ones got some too. Madison then ignored that kangaroo, but he didn't have any of that, so he exacted his revenge. First, he went behind a rock and I guess he ate a +1-UP mushroom, because he then grew tenfold. The zookeeper told everyone to run, but Madison just stared in shock. I tried to snap her out of it, but she couldn't hear me. The kangaroo's giant fist came down right on top of her. When he lifted it back up, she was gone, and the kangaroo moved his fist to his mouth...and swallowed.
I had just witnessed my wife's death.
Madison had been eaten alive by a giant kangaroo. And later on the news, they said the kangaroo had escaped, and killed one other person.
I tried to go back to our boat, but there were too many memories of her there. I sold the boat back to the fat guy for a really sucky deal, but I didn't care. I was too depressed to care about anything.
I had nowhere to sleep, so I stayed at that hotel. I ended up in the same room we had stayed in before, so I left and just walked. And I didn't stop walking. I only stopped to sleep or eat. Some people stated to take notice and started to call me Forrest, or they yelled "Hey, Forrest! Why aren't you running, huh?"I didn't get it. I eventually got to the airport, but they had helicopters there too, and that reminded me too much of my lost beloved. So I decided to leave everything I knew, and avoid anything and everything that slightly reminded me of Madison.
"One ticket to Cuba," I said to the man behind the counter. He had red hair that pointed all different directions, and that in of itself was a deep stab to the heart.
"Round trip?" he asked.
"No. One way. And I would like to leave right now, if there's a flight available."
"Alright. There's one leaving in two minutes, but that's not enough time to check your bags, sir."
"I don't have bags. I'll take that ticket then."
"Yes, sir. Debit or credit?"
"Cash," I put my violin case on the table. "Keep the change. I can't stand to carry it anymore," He gave me the ticket, and I zipped through TSA in record time. I got on the flight and silently cried myself to sleep.
I woke up just as the plane was landing. With no need to find my luggage, I was out of there in a hurry, anxious to start a new life. A life where I could never love again. But in the parking lot, I saw someone from my old life, which I wanted so badly to forget. It was Bailey. It looked like she was sending somebody off. "Good luck proving string theory!" she said to a girl with German blue eyes, and long curly hair. I went over there to ask her what had happened to her when we crashed.
"Bailey!" I said "What happened? Where did you go when we crashed?"
"Lockjaw! Ohmygrob, I thought you were dead! Where's Madison? Is she still inside? I need to see her. Wait! Is she pregn-?"
"She's not...here," I interrupted. "She's dead. Madison was eaten by a kangaroo a week ago... I'm sorry, Bailey."
"Madison's...dead? No, no she can't...d-..." Bailey trailed off and tried to stop herself from crying.
I put my hand on her shoulder.
"Don't worry. She'll be okay. . . We'll be okay."

We ended up renting an apartment together with the money I got out of The Family's secret Cuba account. Bailey told me that when the helicopter crashed, she landed in Cuba and with what she learned from her Intro to Spanish class, she got by.
One night, we were watching the news and there was a follow-up story on the giant kangaroo.
"You may remember when we first broadcasted this story about a twenty foot tall kangaroo," the news anchor said in a Cuban accent. "And we have a follow up newscast to bring you. Apparently, the girl who was thought to be eaten by the giant kanga was never eaten at all! She ran away at the last minute, and all he ate was the bucket of kangaroo food she was holding. The girl looked for her husband, but heard that he was killed by the monster kangaroo. Heartbroken, she moved to Cuba, where she was remarried to our president, Clive Dove. What a sweet ending to the story? Don't you think, Barbra?"
"Yes, Phil, and in other news..."
I turned off the T.V., and looked over at Bailey.
"Madison's not dead, Lockjaw! We need to go see her!" she cried out in sheer happiness.
"Yeah. But she thinks I'm dead. And she moved on... and married my boss...and now he's the president of Mexico!"
"Cuba."
"Thank you! But the point is that she has moved on. And I should too."
I walked out of the apartment, and left for the only place left in the world that didn't remind me of my Sweet Ginger.
Antarctica.

Part vii
I ran into what I thought was the woods, but it turned out to be a kangaroo's bedroom. He took out boxing gloves and ruffed me up a bit, but I gave it back to him three-and-a-half-fold. I found my way back into the zoo and I looked all over for him for three whole days, but I couldn't find him for the life of me. "Lockjaw! Lockjaw!" I cried out as hot tears formed in my eyes.
I felt completely defeated. With some of the money I found in a water fountain, I took the bus to the docks. I lifted up my ruined skirt as I exited the bus. But our boat was gone. Homeless.
The sun started to set and was it was getting cold. Wrapped in tulle that fell from the skirt, I listened to a radio that was perched in an apartment window that was audible from my newly claimed cardboard box in the alleyway.
"Welcome back to Sydney Nightly News," said the announcer named Barbra "Today, the strangest thing ever recorded in the history of Australia happened. A little kangaroo grew to twenty feet tall, and ate a civilian! The kangaroo then escaped, and stepped on another civilian!"
My head dropped. "It was Lockjaw…." I whispered to no one. I started to cry for my late husband, and for the fact that I was 13 and a widow.
"We will keep you posted if anything else happens," she concluded.
"There's only one thing I can to now," I said through the tears "And that is to move to Cuba."

I went to the airport first thing the next morning. "A one-way ticket to Cuba, please," I said to the ginger kid behind the counter.
"A PASSPORT!" he said.
"Excuse me?"
"The guy that was here before, I forgot to tell him he needed a passport! ...whatever. Is that credit or debit?"
"Will this cover it?" I placed a small boy in blue on the counter. "Now, remember: you can do anything you want with him, just don't let him watch anything too violent or colorful, and don't let him have any sugar. 'Kay?"
"Miss, human trafficking is highly frowned upon . . . by other people," he took the boy behind the counter "He'll do just fine as payment."
"WWHHHHHAAAAAAA-?\(/

/)\" howled the boy. The clerk handed me the ticket.
"Thank you," And I walked away.
"WAIT! A PASSPORT!"
"Sorry, can't hear you!" and I went for the plane as fast as I could. "Man, they need to train their employees better in Australian airports. Accepting little boys as payment? That's really bad," I said went I sat down on the plane. I got a weird look from the guy across the aisle but-
Across the aisle. Lockjaw. No! I need to forget about him! I thought. But then I got really bored on the plane so I took a nap. We safely landed in Cuba, well, the pilot had a meltdown, but everything was okay in the end. I stepped off the plane, into the airport, into the McAlester's Deli, out of McAlester's Deli, into the lobby, out of the lobby, and into the parking lot. Then I realized, "I have no idea as to what the f*BLEEP!* I'm gunna do... Wait, why'd you bleep that? I said frac! Frac! Like fractal!" I could tell the German rolled her eyes. I just know it.
"Anyway! I'm in Cuba! Focus. Get back into the scene," I said as I walked in circles rubbing my temples. "I know! I'll go to the beach; that'll get my mind off of things!" I started to walk that way, but I nearly ran into a boy of about *mutters math stuff* eighteen years and three months, and smelled fresh out of prison... or a political debate. Those scents are almost the same, actually. They smell like sweat, betrayal, lies and gonorrhea. Oh! And tapioca pudding.
Anyway, the boy said, "You don't want to go there. It's a nudist beach. Unless..." he moved forward and loomed over me as I was pressed against the wall. "You would want to go with me?" he smiled an evil smirk. Which I'd have to admit was pretty hot.
"I'm sorry," I said with my left hand up "But I'm a married woman."
He backed up and laughed. "You? Married? You're like a year younger than me!"
I muttered more math stuff, "Four years! ...No, five!"
"Let me tell you something," he took my jaw in his hand and squished my mochi cheeks. "I'm the president of Cuba, and that means I'm pretty observant. I can tell just my looking at you that you've been through a lot in the past weeks. I can tell that you actually were married, and to a man much older than you, and that he just recently died. Also, you have been sleeping in ditches-"
"Alleyways."
"Whatever. And that you want to start your life over again here in Cuba. And I can help you with that. First off, that dress is a no-go. Can't be seen with you while you're wearing that s*BLEEP!*. WAIT! I said stuff! I swear!"
"Sure you do."
"Now, put this on," he held out a sexy kitty costume. Oh, hold on. No, I was mistaken, it was skinny jeans and a baggy shirt that said 'VOTE CLIVE!' in Spanglish, so yeah, it said 'VOTE CLIVE, ESE!' I took the clothes to the restroom and changed there. I bid adieu to the lesbian couple making-out in the corner, (one had medium honey-chestnut colored hair, and the other had short red hair-KIDDING! Just kidding) and I went into the hall where Clive was waiting for me.
"You look stunning," he said.
"Really? I think the dress looks much better," I gently stroke the itchy fabric resting on my arm.
"Yes, really. Political, even. I think you would be great as the first lady of Cuba," she said with a smirk.
"Naw. First ladies are supposed to be married to the president of- OHHHHH! I get it! No."
"Why not? Do you want a formal proposal? I know Lockjaw didn't give you one."
"How would you know?" I was being stubborn.
"Because. I was his boss for a few years, and I've come to know him very well, I think. But anyway," he took my hand and went down on one knee.
"We about to play football or something?" I asked. I don't know much about sports, but I think that's called a Tebo.
"Madison, will you marry me? And become the first lady? It would make me very happy. Please?"
I thought about it for a bit "Umm I don't know ..." But…. if I'm not happy in this point in my life, or possibly never be fully happy again, shouldn't I at least try to make someone else happy? But what about my unalienable right to pursue happiness? Whatever. This is Cuba.
"So what do you say? Will you marry me?"
"...Yes, Clive. I will marry you."
"WOOO!" he ran around in circles with his hands in the air.
"But wait, how do you know my name, I didn't tell you what it was."
He stopped spinning and cleared his throat. "Easy. You're still wearing your school ID."
"Oh..."
"And I've been stalking you for the past year. I thought you would good as a fake future Flora, but you cut your hair, you're ginger, and your voice is too low compared to hers."
"I ...have no idea what that even..."
"Don't worry about it. Now let's get you home," he held out his hand and I took it pancake style.
"No. Waffle," he said, then he entwined his fingers with mine. "This way, you can't get away as easy," he whispered.

Part viii
It was so cold. Snow was everywhere. Everything was so white, that it was blinding. I didn't bring anything with me, so I was there all by myself in a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts.
I didn't think it through.
I found shelter in a polar bear's dug out. The alpha male came though, but I defended myself from him with a spear I had made out of a clam and bones from an artic squirrel. I didn't kill it because polar bears are endangered. I just proved myself the new alpha male. They wanted to make me the ruler, but I politely declined.
I wanted to rule over the penguins.
I walked and walked for thirty days when I lost count. But it's hard to tell day from night when the sun stays out for almost months at a time during some of the year. Fortunately, as I was walking this time, no one called me Forrest or anything else silly. And just before I was about to die, I found a herd of them taking turns diving into the water. I guess they had never seen a human before, because they came right toward me. But one stood out in particular. It came at me with its chest puffed out. Clearly the alpha male. I raised my hands above my head to make myself look bigger, and let out a glass-shattering "SQQQUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKK!" The a-fore mentioned penguin fell over and fainted. The other penguins gathered around me started squawking in what seemed to be like rejoicing. They picked me up and carried me to a cabin made out of whale and-or narwhal bones, with a narwhal horn on the tiptop. It probably could pick up on satellite T.V. or radio waves. Ha! Like that could happen! But before they took me inside, my stomach growled loudly. I thought that it would startle them, but my arctic friends seemed to understand. They sat me down in the snow, while some waddled off in a different direction. They came back shortly thereafter with a big bucket of ice cubes and fish sticks. I didn't question it. Because when you're alone and hungry in Antarctica, you take what you're given without question. I ate the fish sticks and ice cubes till I was full. The ice cubes were made out of salt water, but the salt would protect against any infection I could get in this frozen wasteland. With a full belly, I took my bucket of leftovers into the cabin. My new home. To my very great surprise, there was a bed there that had polar bear skin blankets, and even a desk with a HAM radio connected to the narwhal horn. No way I had thought sarcastically. I set down my bucket, and the penguins piled in after me. Now seated at the desk, I examined the radio more closely. It was obviously broken, and I didn't know anything about transistor radios. So I absentmindedly turn the knobs and dials, there was even a headset. I put that on a penguin's head, and he looked up at me with a face that said, "What the heck is this?" he made me laugh.

"You know what?" I said to that penguin "You're my favorite. And I'm going to name you Günther." He squawked in approval of his name. I took the headset back and set it in my own head. On the other line I heard static. No voices, but still a sign of potential human contact. But I had no idea how to even start fixing it. I had no experience whatsoever with radios. ...But I did work with remote controlled weaponry for a few years. It couldn't be that much different, now could it?

Using bones as a screwdriver, I managed to get the back of the radio open. But as it turned out, the only problem was one wire that was burned in the center. It's a really easy fix. All I would need would be wire strippers and electrical tape. I waved around a couple of one dollar bills and whistled, but no strippers came. Hunched over my desk, I looked for anything that could help me. All that I found was a spiral notebook, some pencils, and an eraser. The notebook was filled out with math in Russian, so it was of no use to me. The spiral! I thought. The metal spine of the book is a conductor of electricity and, in theory, could work as a substitute wire. I straightened and cut the wire into pieces so that I could replace a piece if it were too burn up like the first one. I held it in place with the eraser that I cut in half, so that I wouldn't electrocute myself. It turned on, and a green light came on.

"Success!"

I turned the knob to different channels, saying "Come in, come in" and things like that. Then I thought of how silly this was. How could an amateur radio reach anybody who might be if assistance? But I had to try. I just had to. Maybe I could find a music station so that I could keep my sanity. So I continued to look.

Then someone came in. And they knew English!

"Günther! I found somebody!" I said to the penguin.

"Hello? Hello, hello? We were getting strange signals from this frequency. How are you broadcasting this? Where are you?" the man asked.

"I'm in Antarctica! Thank God you called! I need to get out of here. I didn't think things through. I-"

"I understand sir. I'm going to send a search party your way. It may take a while for them to find you. Just hang tight till we get there. And I ask again, how are you broadcasting from the South Pole?"

"I have a HAM radio connected to a narwhal horn. I think it's acting like an antenna."

"Wow. I've only heard legends about that. Well, keep the radio on this channel at all times, so that we can keep in contact if anything unpredicted happens. The search team will be there in a few weeks-more or less."

"Thank you, sir."

"In the mean time, would you mind if I called the media? This would make such a good story," he pleaded. "I do HAM radio as a hobby, but I'm also a journalist. If you let me do this story, it will really kick-off my career. Please?"

"Sure. Just make certain that I can bring some things with me," I looked over at Günther and smiled.

"I'm sure it will be fine. And thank you for letting me do this. If it goes well, you might turn into a huge celebrity! I have to go now. Please keep a signal going for as long as you can."

"Will do," I hung up and said to Günther, "I wonder where we'll go now?"

Part ix

The wedding was very simple; we just signed some papers down at the courthouse.

"You may kiss the bride," said the judge. Clive took my face in his hand and tried to kiss me. I turned away and pushed his hand off, but then he held my jaw harder and turned my head to whisper in my ear.

"Soy el Presidente de Cuba," he said "And you know very well of all the things I can do to you. This is the least if any torture I can put you through. Capieshé?" Then he turned my head back and kissed me on the lips. EEEWWWWW! you're supposed to say!

His secret service agents drove us back to the Cuban version of the white house. When we got there, he showed me the master bedroom.

"WOOOOOW! This is HUGE!" it was like as big as... A REALLY BIG THING! "Umm... Could I maybe... Possibly... Sleep in a bed just by myself? Maybe?" I gave an 'I'm scared of you out of my hackin' mind' smile.

"No" he said.

"Why not?" I pouted.

"Because," he said.

"Because why?" I pouted.

"Just because" he said.

"That's not a valid answer!" I pouted.

"Whatever" he said.

"Let me have my own room!" I pouted.

"No" he said.

"Why not?" I pouted.

"Because" he said.

We went on like that for a few hours, until I finally said, "What's for dinner?"

"Just because" he said.

"That's not a valid answer!" I pouted.

"Oh, wait. You asked what's for dinner. My bad. We're having sushi."

"Yay!"

We made our way to the dining room, which took about forever, and we got there just as the plates were being put down. The table was as long as a football field. I know because I measured it. Also it had yardage markers on an artificial grass background. We were having all types of sushi. I filled my plate all with crab rolls and crab and crab and crab and crab and guess what? Crab! Clive had some crap I didn't care about. I was eating my delicious crab meat, when Clive stopped me by holding my chopsticks to the table.

"Hold still, you have some crab on your lip," but before I could grab a napkin or my sleeve, he licked the perfectly good crab off my lip! EEEWWWWW! you're supposed to say. And that I did say as I pushed myself away from the table.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"That's gross! So so so so very gross! Your saliva! In my mouth! Eeewwww! So gross!" I ranted on and on.

Then he got really close to my face, narrowed his eyes and smirked, "Well you're going to have a really hard time tonight, then."

"NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I ran out of there with my plate of crab, and locked myself in an unused room. I kept screaming as I looked around "Hm. It's nice in here. Not too big, not too small, fluffy bedspread... I CLAIM THIS IN THE NAME OF MADI-CHAN DES-U!" I plopped down on the bed and continued to eat my sushi. I notice a remote and TV set, so I turned on the news.

Then I thought Hmm. Watching news and eating crab in bed. This will catch on. It will be the new thing. Da bomb diggity, But then I thought that it wouldn't be as cool as waterbed bunk-beds that a girl in my drama class is inventing. I wallowed for a few seconds, then went back to watching TV. There wasn't any good news on so I watched Mexican cartoons. No! Cuban! Cuban cartoons-not Mexican. I'm sorry if I offended and Mexicans and-or Cubans. Honest mistake, really.

I basically stayed in that room for the rest of Clive's term as president. Sometimes I would leave and walk around, but then I would get lost and Clive would find me and make me rub his feet. He had feet issues. Not like his feet were ugly, because they were like a foot model's feet, I swear! It's more like he has a feet fetish. But with his own feet.

...it's weird.

But then one day, three years later, (so now I'd be 16 in the year 2013) there was a knock at the front door. I happened to be just right there, so I opened it. Then I thought, Holy crap this might be a terrorist! But it wasn't. IT WAS BAILEY! XDDDDD!

"OHMYGROB,BAILEY,HI!" I said.

"MADISONYOURENOTDEAD,WOOOOOOOO !"

"IKNOWISNTITGREAT?" we squeed for a bit until Clive came and said:

"What's with all the screaming! Did Canada finally attack!"

"No, Bailey's here!" I said to him.

"Who's this?" Bailey asked.

Clive wrapped his arm around me and said, "I'm her husband, President Clive Dove."

"And that's exactly why I came. Madison, may I have a word with you?" She looked evilly at Clive "Alone, please?"

"Yeah, sure," I unwrapped myself from Clive and led Bailey to my bedroom. I motioned for her to sit with me on the bed.

"I have to tell you something," she said very seriously.

I held my hand up to stop her. "You're confessing your love to me so that I can divorce Clive, marry you, and go back to living a normal life in America. Brilliant plan, Bailey. Really a knockout. I already have a bag packed, let's go right now."

"No, that's not it at all! I was going to ask you...if you've seen Lockjaw recently."

"No, Bailey. What a silly question. Lockjaw died three years ago, when Clive first started his term. Of course I haven't seen him." The question was kind of a stab to the heart.

"Madison, he's not dead!"

I couldn't believe it. "You're just making stuff up so I'll cry! Don't do that to me, Bailey. I swear..." I could feel the tears burn my eyes.

"Here, just watch," she turned on the TV to the English dubbed news. I couldn't see clearly through the mask of tears I was holding in, but I recognized a bit of blue pixels against a white background. "L-Lockjaw?"

"He's not dead. After we heard you had married Clive, Lockjaw fled to Antarctica to try to forget about you. He said that if you had moved on, he should too."

"Well then I can't just sit here! We have to go get him! Exactly where is he in Antarctica?" I asked.

"He's not there anymore. A search team from southern Chile went and got him. He's in London now doing interviews for all the major news networks. I came here to kidnap you and take you there."

"Oh please do!" I begged. I grabbed my emergency bag and ran out the door with Bailey. I thought Clive would be right on our tail, but then I remembered: we don't have tails! So of course he wouldn't be on them! We got in Bailey's convertible car and headed to the airport. On the way there I asked, "So if Lockjaw isn't dead, there is no 'death do us part', right?"

"That's right."

"So I'm still married to him. But then I married Clive. So am I double married like a reverse gender Mormon? Or was my marriage to Clive not really a marriage at all?"

"Hmm. I'm not sure. We could go to the courthouse and check, but you probably want to go to the airport first, regardless if you're married to him or not."

"Right. We'll figure out the complicated stuff later," Then I heard the trunk open and close.

"Or maybe you won't ever figure it out," said Clive as he sat calmly on top of the trunk.

"Floor it!" I yelled a Bailey. I was hoping that Clive would fall off and die, then it would be for sure I was married to my Lockjaw, but he didn't fall off. He held tight and stayed on. "Faster!" I yelled.

"I'm givin 'er all she's got, Captain!" Bailey said in an Irish accent, or whatever accent that guy on Star Trek: the original series has that sits next to the fabulous Mr. Sulu. Anyway, Clive fell off with a grunt and rolled out into the road. He definitely wasn't dead and only had a few cuts and bruises on his body. (And to be completely honest, he looked pretty yummy) as I looked at him, I couldn't help but feel sorta bad. The one person that made him happy was leaving just as quickly as they had met... But I didn't really care. I just had to see Lockjaw.

"Oh, look. We're here," we said at the same time. We ran inside without paying for a parking spot, because, well, this is Cuba, and I was the first lady so I had power. We went up to the counter and asked the ginger kid for tickets to London.

"I know you!" he said. "You gave me that little boy as payment! Thank you, again. Now what can I help you with?" he rested his elbows on the counter and smiled.

"You gave him a kid as payment for a ticket? Madison how could you?" Bailey asked.

"Well if you want to know the whole story, it went like this: Once upon a time, (around November 2010) I was in London with my best friend Bailey. The sun was just starting to set-"

"Agh! You're taking too long! Just get to the bottom line, we need to hurry."

"He gave me a puzzle to solve when I was outside the airport in Australia, I couldn't solve it for the life of me, and so instead of eating him, I decided to show mercy and stuffed him in my bag for later," I explained.

"Oh. Well at least you we're nice about it." she turned to the guy. "Two tickets to Lon-"

"LOCKJAW!" I screamed. He just walked into the lobby area. I ran toward him and jumped into his arms. "Lockjaw, I thought you were dead! Marrying Clive was a mistake!" I started to cry and so did he, "I missed you so much."

"I missed you, too. And I still love you, Madison. I never stopped thinking about you. And with each passing day, I loved you even more. I hope you can forgive me..."

"Forgive you? Why? I don't understand..." I pulled away and looked into his sunglasses.

"While I was in Antarctica, I cheated on you... With a penguin..."

"Lockja-"

"It was just a kiss on the cheek, but I felt so guilty about it and felt that I wasn't worthy enough for you any-"

"..." I held a finger to his lips. "I forgive you," I said slowly "It's okay. That's the past. It's just us now," We hugged for a while in the lobby. Then I heard Clive's voice.

"Well, well, well," he said "What a touching reunion of two lovers who haven't seen each other in three years. Truly a happy ending to such a... tragic tale. But I'm afraid it's not over yet," He started to walk forward.

"What do you mean?" Bailey said. "This story has been dragged out long enough! Let them have their happy ending, Clive. As the antagonist, you at least owe Madison that for having to deal with your obsession with your own feet! Have a little heart."

"Hahaahah!" he laughed. "'Dragged out too long' you say? Really? Oh, you Americans really do make me laugh. Everyone knows the story isn't over until the credits roll. And the credits don't roll until the basics of a story are complete."

"What basics?" Lockjaw said. I clung to him tighter. "We've covered everything!"

"But that is what you think. We are still missing the most elementary of all Professor Layton fan-fiction... Anyone care to take a guess? No? Well, time's up! EVERYONE KNOWS THE EPIC BOSS BATTLE OF DOOM COMES NEXT!" He drew a sword for his hip. "LOCKJAW! WE WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH OVER MADISON! AND THE VICTOR WILL HAVE HER HAND IN MARRIAGE ETERNALLY. DO YOU UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT THESE TERMS?"

"I do."

Part x

He threw the sword my way, and I caught it. "Madison, you and Bailey should stand back," I let go of her and she nodded. She and Bailey ran and hid behind the counter with the clerk and a little boy I recognized as Luke. I turned my attention back to Clive. "I'm assuming you have a second sword with you," I said to him as I carefully sat down my shoulder bag.

"Nope," he took out two pistols from holsters. "Not in the slightest."

"Don't you think it's a little unfair that you have two guns and I have a sword?"

"No. And here's why. As you see, this is my turf and what I say is law. And I say you have a dinky sword, and I have two guns. 'Kay?"

"Let's just get this over with,"

"Gladly," He dropped one gun to his side and fired directly at me. I deflected it with the sword as I ran toward him. It's all basic physics. Before he could fire a second shot, I was right in front of him. Clive looked surprised with the fact that I could run that fast. It was a mistake of his to take the time to be surprised. I quickly pulled back my sword and went straight for his chest. Clive ducked and spun at the same instant, then held the gun sideways above his head and knocked the sword out of my hand. I started to turn to get it, but he held the gun to my face.

"And now, your story's over," He pulled the trigger...

...

"SQWACK!"

"What the-?" Clive turned around to see where the noise was coming from. He saw the penguin and turned back to me just as I punched him in the jaw. He flew backward and landed hard on his back. I picked up the sword and stood over him, with the blade hovering just above his throat.

"I'm sorry, Boss," I said "But I think it's your story that's up," I drew back the sword as Clive covered his face. I was filled with so much hate for him. But on the way back down,

"NOOOOOOO!" Madison yelled. She ran toward me as Bailey tried to stop her. She took the blade from my hands. "You CANT kill him! It's not right!...but...this sword is beautiful..." She looked longingly at it.

"S-so I can go?" Clive asked meekly.

She thrust the sword at him "SILENCE!" It was so hot. "How about we make a deal? I can keep this sword... And you can live. Just as long as we get a divorce and you won't ever try to make me your bride again. And promise that you'll see a psychiatrist for your foot fetish."

"IT'S NOT A-!"

"SILENCE!... Do we have a deal?"

Clive slowly got up on his knees. "Yes. It's a deal."

"Good."

"We were never really married anyway..."

"WHAAAAAAATT?" was the response of everyone in the room.

"I just hired that guy to pretend to marry us. I knew Lockjaw was still alive, so I couldn't do a real marriage. And I really did think I loved you..."

"Past tense?" Bailey asked.

"Yes. I...I needed a cover... So that no one would find out that I'm..."

"It's okay, Clive," Madison said to him. "It's okay if you're..."

"You're right. I. AM. GAY."

"Whoa! That wasn't it at all! I was saying that it's okay to be a salsa dancer on weekends, holidays, and every fifth Tuesday of the month! But it's okay to be gay too."

"So you pretended to marry Madison, just to make sure that the public didn't know you were gay?" I asked.

"Yes. That was the plan. But I took it way too far. I'm glad that penguin took the bullets out before I shot you."

"A penguin?" Madison asked. Then Günther waddled out of my bag and right to me. I picked him up and let Madison hold him.

"He's name's Günther," I said. "He took care of me when I was in Antarctica. Isn't he sweet?"

"He sure is!" Everyone took turns petting him.

"You know, foreign animals like this aren't really allowed inside the country. But I'm sure I can wave that for you," Clive said as he scratched Günther's head. "So are we all good, now? No one's sad or missing? All the problems are solved?"

"NO!" said the boy I gave to the ginger. "I still need to get home! The professor is looking for me, and I don't know any Spanish!" he complained.

"Oh, you're fine," Madison said. And everyone laughed.

"Well, I guess I should go to a gay bar and find me a boyfriend..." Clive said as he walked away.

"Wait," The ginger stood up and walked over to Clive. Ginger stood a little taller than Clive. "I-if it's okay with you... I think you're pretty cute, and um... Gosh, I'm nervous... I was wondering..."

"Sshh. I'll go out with you. And I think you're cute, too. C'mon. Let's go get lunch," Clive took his hand and they walked out the door. "By the way what's your name?"

"Lando. Lando Ascald."

"Hmm. What a nice name," They got into car and drove off.

"Well, I guess I should go to America and go back to school and stuff," Bailey said.

"You don't have to do that actually," I said. "Madison and I were talking about this at the zoo. And we were wondering... If you will be our adopted daughter."

"Yes! Oh my grob, yes! Even though I'm older than Madison, of course I will!"

We went down to the courthouse after lunch and got all the papers signed for Bailey's adoption and for a lease on a house for the summer. Clive kept his promises and let us keep Günther as a pet. After summer was over, we took a vacation to the cabin in Antarctica. We kept the tradition of living in Cuba for the summer, and flying to Antarctica for the winter. I fixed the narwhal antenna so that we could get satellite TV.

Clive and Lando were still going out the last time we checked on them, and they are pretty serious. They're thinking of moving to New York when Clive's second term ends.

We never really knew what happened to Luke, but when we find him, we'll make him part of our big, happy family! Unless that Professor guy has a thing for little boys. . .

And thus we lived happily ever after.

THE END