Title: All I Want For Christmas..
Card: Green
Words: Taste, New, Komui, Jest, Hold, Case, Intent, Lie, Rival, Guess, Sweet, Lenalee, Travel, Across, Tyki, Stern
Wordcount: 4,071
Pairing: Lamui(Lavi/Komui)
Komui was not in a festive mood.
He'd never really liked Christmas, all the extra work and leave requests making the holidays so busy that he could barely keep up with work, let alone take time for meaningless celebration. Eyeing just such a stack of paperwork, he sighed, massaging his temples. Did people simply not understand that evil rarely observed the tradition of goodwill?
Reaching for his pen, he refused his twenty-eighth request of the day, frowning at the inevitable protest that would come from his denials. In all his years as a Supervisor for the Order, he had yet to approve even a dozen of these forms, as Exorcists were expected to remain on call at all times, and Finders were strongly discouraged from contacting their families while in service to the Church.
Glancing over the next page, he took a sip from his long-cooled coffee, grimacing faintly at the flat, sugary taste of it. Scowling at the scribbled words on the paper, he shook his head, adding his own signature to the space provided before marking it as denied. The next caught his attention briefly, as this person had attempted a new angle on the process, doubtless having been the victim of previous refusals.
'...and as Christmas will fall on a Sunday this year, I must sadly request a leave from activities during the Sabbath, as it would be completely inappropriate to work on both the birthing day of our Lord Jesus Christ and his Heavenly Father's appointed day of rest.'
Komui snorted in slight amusement, signing the form. Below his signature, he added a personal notation.
'In reference to your logic, I must sadly inform you that Our Holy Eminance the Pope does not observe the Yuletide as such, saying that service to the Lord is paramount to any man-made holiday tradition. Secondly, Christmas is not recognized as the official birth date of Christ, as the month is not clearly stated in the Bible. If your true intent is to obtain a pass from leave, break something you need. That should give you plenty of Sundays to express your piety.'
Taking another drink from his mug, he looked at the next form, inhaling almost the entire contents as he saw the clearly recognizable writing , the familiar signature astonishing. Coughing violently, he wiped his face, adjusting his glasses to look over the filled spaces in growing alarm.
The section for personal comments was likewise used, and even here the script was flawlessly laid out.
'Such a request has never been filed, and I have worked despite many situations that would warrant leave. I believe that one day of relief would be well earned, after so many years of unflagging service.'
He stared again at the scrawled signature, frowning at it's perfect formation.
'Komui Li'
The handwriting was undeniably his own, though he knew that he'd never set pen to a leave request since his arrival. Setting the paper aside for future examination, he looked at the clock, sighing with relief at the lateness of the hour. Wiping the nib of his pen, he sat it atop the stack of unsigned forms, pushing his chair away from the desk. Standing, he stretched, wincing at the protesting crackle of his joints. He retrieved his coat from the seatback, shrugging it on in readiness to leave. After a second thought, he also lifted the obviously forged request form from it's place, folding it and tucking it inside a pocket.
Crossing the room, he opened the heavy door, switching off the light as he left. Facing the hall, he jumped in surprise at the unexpected presence of a visitor, the bright hair and playful smile making him relax with a quiet laugh. "Lavi, I'm too old for this.. What would you do if I had a heart attack?"
The boy snickered quietly, pushing away from his place. "Well, I could always electrocute you to restart it.. But you don't look all that old to me, Supervisor." He moved to stand close, tipping his head back to meet the older man's gaze. "Are you done, then? I wasn't gonna bother you, so I just waited.."
Komui blinked, raising an eyebrow. "How long were you waiting, Lavi..? You could have left a note, or asked when I'd be leaving."
The redhead shrugged, laughing. "About an hour, maybe a little longer. Besides, if I'd just left a note you wouldn't have gotten it 'til now, so you'd have had to come looking for me to answer. I don't mind it, everyone keps saying I need to be more patient anyway." He leaned in suddenly, studying the other closely. "You look tired.. Why didn't you leave earlier? Something important that couldn't wait?"
The scientist shifted nervously at his proximity, shaking his head. "Not really, but I wanted to get it taken care of before it piled up." Clearing his throat, he looked away, checking his watch. "It isn't all that late, though.. What did you want, Lavi?"
Noticing his abrupt change of topic, the Exorcist frowned momentarily. "Nothing, actually. Is it too late for company, 'Mui?" He watched the other's reaction, his frown deepening at the man's hesitant manner. "It's all right if it is, you know. You don't have to spend every single minute with me, no matter how long we-"
Komui winced at his tone, shaking his head. "I know that, Lavi.. And it has nothing to do with how long we've been.. Seeing each other." Recalling the last several weeks, he wondered if the boy really could know him well enough to anticipate his thoughts, squirming guiltily at the idea. Though he hadn't considered approaching the much-younger Exorcist himself, he truly had no issues with their newly attached status, his unease stemming mainly from his own expectations.
When the redhead had cornered him in his office to express his interest, he'd been surprised to say the least, but even then he'd found no reason to deny the possibility of such a relationship between them. That had come later, when the boy had just as blatantly expressed his interest in other aspects of their relationship.
The memory of hands and lips on his skin was fresh enough to raise gooseflesh, and he hoped feverishly that the redhead really couldn't see the details of his thoughts as he clenched his hands into tight fists. He'd halted the boy before things went completely out of hand, but in the back of his mind he knew it had had nothing to do with timing, or age.
He was almost desperately afraid.
Forcing himself to smile, he met the other's calculating look evenly, tugging at the material of his sleeve. "I wouldn't mind it at all, actually. Do you need to go to bed early for anything?" The Exorcist shook his head slowly, his expression still faintly questioning. Komui repeated his gentle pull, urging the other to follow as he began to walk in the direction of his quarters. "Come with me, then. I'll most likely be busy during the day for several weeks, so evenings and nights would be the best time to see you, Lavi."
The boy allowed himself to be led, shifting his arm until he could take hold of the scientist's hand. Winding their fingers together loosely, he sighed. "I don't care if you're too busy to hang out, either. You already do enough without worrying about me." He squeezed briefly at the man's quiet hum, shaking his head. "I would rather that you get enough rest and time to yourself than see you, 'Mui.. I won't die of loneliness."
The casual tone of his statement was far more disturbing than it would have been from someone else, and the scientist paused just beside his door to catch his eye seriously. "I know you won't, Lavi.. That's actually something I'd like to talk to you about, when there's time." Opening the lock, he gestured for him to enter, following him in and reclosing the door. He'd left a lamp lit in the small room he used as a study, the faint illumination highlighting the redhead's figure as he turned to face him.
"I have plenty of time right now, 'Mui. If there's something you need to say, say it." His stern expression was almost entirely concealed by the dim lighting, but his voice was just shy of defensive as he spoke. "Does it have anything to do with why you're so careful around me? You shouldn't keep it to yourself if it bothers you that much."
The man inhaled sharply, hanging his coat and hat absently on the rack by the door. "It isn't a bad thing, Lavi, not really. I just wonder why you're doing this." He could almost sense the boy's gathering indignation, and he waved a hand to dispell his ire. "I don't mean you're using me for something, I mean it as why would you want to? You don't need to-"
The Exorcist stiffened noticeably, his anger almost visible as he replied. "I want just like anyone else, Komui. No, I'm really not supposed to, and I'm not supposed to need it, but so what? I shouldn't, so I can't?" He turned around with a jerk, his shoulders tight beneath the material of his shirt. "That was your problem, this whole time? You thought I was with you just for the hell of it?"
The scientist started forward quickly, freezing at the other's quiet laugh. "Whatever. Think what you want about it, 'Mui.. At least you were finally honest about something."
Now the man felt his own temper flare, the idea that the redhead saw him as a liar making him inexplicably irate. "Honest? I've never lied to you, even before this! Name one time that I've ever-"
The Exorcist growled shortly, still facing the opposite direction. "When you said you were fine with this. When you stopped me from touching you. And just now, when you said it wasn't a bad thing. That's three good examples, 'Mui." He sighed deeply, relaxing with the sound. "Forget it, all right? You can't be with somebody if you think like that. Just let it go."
Komui clenched his jaw angrily, stepping forward to turn the boy around. "You're done, then? Even if it's only been two months, it shouldn't be that easy for you to.. Lavi? Look at me, the least you can do is say it to my face!" He refused to be ignored, catching the Exorcist's chin to force his gaze upward. Even in the semi-darkness, the gleam of wet skin was shockingly clear, and his wrath dissipated as quickly as it had appeared. "Lavi, I.."
Jerking free, the redhead swiped at his face, his eye narrowed despite the continued stream of moisture. "You what? Didn't think I had feelings, either? Being a Bookman doesn't make them magically disappear, idiot! We're supposed to ignore the damn things, and do our fucking job!" Pulling at the arm the man still held, he hissed. "Why are you doing it, then? If you had it all worked out in your head, why would you even bother? It can't be for easy sex, because you wouldnt let me do that when I tried, so what is it? An experiment? Or was it because you didn't know how to say what you thought in a nice way?"
He wiped his face again, yanking away from the other's hold. "That's why I wanted you, you know. I thought that even if I wasn't doing the right thing, or I just wasn't good enough, you'd understand! I thought that I could make you happy, since you'd just let me do what I could until I knew better.. You always watched and listened, so I thought you might be able to wait for me.." He laughed bitterly, shaking his head. "I did a lot of thinking too, 'Mui. And I was just as wrong as you are."
The older man shuddered at the blankness of his tone, renewing the grip on his shoulders despite his backward lean. Ignoring his jerky struggles, he walked him carefully back across the floor, pushing him down to sit at the edge of his bed. "Don't say it like that, you're more than good enough for anyone! What you know or don't know doesn't matter when you're with someone, you have to learn about them just like anything else!" He relaxed his hold, sitting beside the redhead with a sigh. "I didn't lie to you, either. I never had a problem with being like this, and it isn't bad to ask questions.."
He reached for the boy's hand, twining their fingers together. Waiting for his full attention, he maintained his grip. "I never thought that you couldn't want, Lavi. And I know you have feelings, but that isn't the point here." He took a breath, forcing down his anxiety with effort. "I wondered why you would choose me, when there are people who might suit you better. You don't need to be with someone who can't really give you anything, Lavi.. You deserve more than that."
Wincing at the boy's frank wariness, he tightened his fingers. "Do you want to know why I haven't been... Overly physical with you?" He swallowed his nervousness at the other's short nod, ignoring the heat in his face. "It isn't because of your age, or mine.. And it most definitely isn't because I don't want you. I avoid it because I don't want to disappoint you, Lavi. I've never been the most.. Adventurous lover. You told me that you hadn't been involved with anyone before this, and I think you should be more careful-"
The boy cut him off with a snort, looking away. "I never expected you to have the damned Kama Sutra memorized, 'Mui. All I wanted from you was you." He scrubbed at his face roughly, annoyed at his emotional reaction. "If I wanted to go bedhopping, I'd have done it already. I know I'm not bad looking, and there's lots of people here who'd be willing to have a quick one off." Closing his eye, he sighed. "I didn't want that, I wanted to be with you. I'd let you do just about anything, but more than anything else, I want.." He tapered off, his face heating uncomfortably at the man's wide-eyed attention. "What? You're looking at me like I'm crazy! Would you really rather that I use you for sex instead of wanting to be in love with you? I didn't even know if I could, but I wanted to try!"
The scientist blinked at him mutely, his fingers tightening marginally despite his silence. Ignoring his instinctive defensiveness, the Exorcist forced himself to continue. "I'm not even close to an expert, but I do know that it isn't just up to me, though.. Both people have to want that, don't they? After you stopped me from touching you, I thought that you wanted the same thing.. To wait until it meant something."
Komui swallowed heavily, wincing at the sound of it. "You.. Then why? If you wanted it to be more than that, why did you throw yourself at me like that? It wasn't even three days, Lavi." He shook his head slowly, wrapping his free hand around the one he still held. "No one falls in love that fast, it takes time.. Weeks, even months or years. Did you really think-"
The redhead laughed shortly, facing him evenly. "No, I didn't think it'd been long enough, but I wanted you to know that I'd let you. It's all well and good to 'save yourself', but how many people really wait for that? Even the books I've read say that once you're in love it makes up for all the times you did it when you weren't. The only difference between that and us is that you don't have to compete with anyone else.. I have to catch you before Lenalee comes around, or you're off in I love my sister land until she yells at you." He frowned at the man's stunned expression, his discomfort forgotten. "None of that matters since I wasn't worried about it. What matters is you, 'Mui. You didn't answer before, so tell me. Why are you doing this?"
The older man inhaled slowly, clearing his throat. "For the same reason." He squeezed the redhead's hand carefully, pulling to urge him closer. "Do you still not know, Lavi..? Does anything feel different now than it did before?"
The Exorcist shivered at his intent gaze, his mouth suddenly dry with nerves. "I miss you." He murmured finally, unable to explain the tight pressure in his chest. "When I don't see you for a while, it's.. I really want to, it drives me nuts because I can't stop thinking about it. Like tonight, I just kept wondering how long it would be, and if you'd be happy to see me, too.." He shook his head slowly, his face heating. "I know that the last case I had was awful.. I couldn't concentrate at all when I was looking over the notes while we traveled, and we almost lost the Innocence and our Finder when Tyki Mikk showed up, so.."
The scientist nodded faintly, but the boy interrupted him before he could reply. "I.. I think maybe I might.. Is it okay if I don't say it, though? Until I'm sure? I really, really don't want to be wrong about it.." His expression was almost pleading, and his grip was close to painful as he waited for the older man to process exactly what he was saying.
Thoroughly nonplussed, Komui returned his stare for the span of several seconds, unsure of just how to phrase his response. Taking a breath, he forced down a surge of almost giddy elation. "Wait as long as you need to, Lavi.. It isn't really the words that matter." Feeling the redhead's hand relax in obvious relief, he smiled. "You were right about one thing, though. I will wait for you."
The Exorcist bit his lip, sliding closer. "For everything, 'Mui..? I really did mean it, when I said you didn't need to.." He tipped his face upward deliberately, inhaling slowly. "Do you feel different, now? I'd like to think that I'm at least your friend.."
The older man's eyes widened almost comically, then narrowed. "You're much more than just a friend, Lavi." He curled his fingers around the boy's chin, bending to accept his clear offer. Pausing just shy of contact, he sighed. "I really don't mind that you want to be sure of yourself, but honestly.. I think I'm definitely well past the 'maybe' stage."
He silenced the redhead's sharp gasp with his mouth, his fingers sliding up to dig almost palm-deep into his hair as he urged the boy's lips to part with a hungry sound. Feeling his hands clench into the material of his shirt, he hummed shortly in agreement, shifting his hands to the other's hips and hauling him upward and over to straddle his legs. Pulling back, he held the Exorcist's stunned gaze fiercely. "Is it all right if I say probably, Lavi? That should keep you from thinking that you're less than you are."
The boy nodded dazedly, his arms wrapping loosely around the other's shoulders. "Say anything you want to, 'Mui.. Can I ask you something, though?" He cleared his throat at the scientist's answering hum. "Are.. Are you doing anything next weekend? I know its kinda sudden, but.. D'you think I could see you, just for a little while? It doesn't have to be long, I just want to give you your present.."
He faltered at the older man's wide eyes, his fingers tightening against the material of his shirt anxiously. "Its not a big deal if you don't want to, I could just leave it for when you do have time.."
Komui shook his head, releasing the Exorcist's hips in favor of catching his face in his palms. "You want to be with me for Christmas." He placed a finger across his lips as he began to protest, shaking his head again. "Don't. It isn't wrong, you're supposed to spend the holidays with people you care about." Moving his finger, he pressed one hand to the redhead's back, shifting him forward. "Would you spend it with me, Lavi..? The whole day, just being here with me..?"
He smiled faintly, resting their foreheads together. "You don't need to give me anything but that, honestly. I think I'd like that very much, to spend an entire day right here in this room, or in this bed.. With nothing to do besides just be with you." Closing his eyes, he laughed softly. "It's ridiculous, isn't it? It hasn't been that long, really.. But you just.." The scientist leaned back abruptly, his hands gentle against the redhead's skin. "You make me happy, Lavi. Even if I worry about doing the same for you, I can't help but say that you're one of the best things I have, right now."
The Exorcist's uncovered eye widened in surprise, every muscle tense as he struggled for something to say. "You do make me happy! I hurt when I think about you!" He inhaled with a sound not unlike a sob, his hands shaking against the older man's back. "I can't just say that I love you, because I don't want it to be a lie! I don't care if I shouldn't want to be with you, I just do!" The knot of desperation below his breastbone made him shudder, his voice lowering to disguise the frightening mix of feelings that he still could not clearly name. "Call it what it is, Komui. I won't.. If you really think.."
He jerked one hand to his face, swiping at the dampness there almost angrily. "I feel the same thing, but I don't know if my word for it fits! God I'm so lonely and stupid without you, but I don't want you to give me that if I can't let you have that part of me!" The Exorcist buried his face against the older man's neck roughly, his words muffled by the material of his clothing. "Let me be with you for that day, if you really want it.. Right now, I only want one thing, a fucking word to tell you what this feeling means!" He grazed the other's rapid pulse with his lips, the pressure in his chest leaving him short of breath. "Please don't hate me if this isn't.. I want to have that with you, more than anything else in the world.."
Tightening his arms around the redhead's back, Komui shook his head. "I wouldn't hate you for not knowing, Lavi. Bookman or not, everyone needs time to sort themselves out." He stroked the other's hair slowly, turning his face to press against the side of his head. Inhaling the now-familiar scent of him, he sighed. "And I really do want to have you here for Christmas.. I usually don't celebrate it, but this year is different." Urging his head up, he smiled faintly. "Besides, I'd hate to put your hard work to waste.. You did do an awfully good job, though."
The redhead grinned sheepishly, shaking his head. "It wasn't really all that hard, but I'm glad it worked.. I bet you had the funniest look on your face when-"
The scientist cut him off with a hard kiss, only pulling away when breath became an issue. "Hush, you. Save your jokes for spring, when all the other fools are doing foolish things." Studying the boy closely, he sobered. "Are we finished being angry and unhappy, Lavi? I don't want to waste a perfectly good night either.."
The Exorcist nodded firmly, his expression serious. "I'm done, but don't keep things to yourself anymore, huh? Talk to me about it, so this doesn't happen again." Leaning close, he smiled. "And what would you rather be doing, 'Mui..? I could give you a few ideas, if you needed me to.."
The older man snorted quietly, turning quickly to one side. Humming at the redhead's wide eye, he bent close enough to hear his rapid breaths. "I'm relatively sure that I can think of something on my own, actually.. Was there anything you needed to do in the morning, Lavi?" His smile widened at the other's silent negative, the expression almost predatory. "Good."
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Well, there that is...