h o m e

by janestache

you're catatonic for the longest time and it's all Jade and Rose and Karkat can do to get you to drag yourself out of bed so they can try and force-feed you. you don't have the heart to tell them your will to live died back in the Veil

Umm so here's some sadstuck that I wrote

it's very much stylized so I apologize in advance for my shitty grammar. Normally I have write with perfect grammar but for stylistic stuff like this I write more stream-of-consciousness so yeah. Don't hurt me.

h o m e

post-sburb sadstuck thing

Warning: major character death, suicide, run-on sentences

your name is John Egbert and you're falling

the game is over and Lord English is gone; Jade is cheering and Rose is hugging Kanaya and everyone is ecstatic but you can't breathe because Dave Dave Dave is falling too

you scream his name but nothing comes out and all you can think about is Dave Dave Dave and the bullets embedded in his chest

and you watch him hit the ground and you're frozen in time, and all of a sudden everything stands still because this can't be happening he can't be de-

and you burst forward because you won't let it happen, you can't let it happen

you're shaking his shoulders and pounding his chest and you think someone might be calling your name but you can't hear over your own tears and the sound of your heart jumping around in your chest

and he's not saying anything and you can't look at his lifeless face anymore but you can't leave him because he's your best bro and you love him, goddammit you love him

Jade pulls you away and you fight her for a few moments but finally you let her drag you away from him

away from Dave Dave Dave

and it's all over

you did it

you won

but it feels so empty because you won but at what cost

and you can't think about what you've lost

life becomes normal again but it feels foreign to you because the game took everything you thought you knew and turned it upside down

and suddenly you're thrust back into life and you feel like you're drowning and you can't tell which way is up because Dave Dave Dave

because your rock, your safety net, the love of your life is gone and you don't know what to do anymore

you're catatonic for the longest time and it's all Jade and Rose and Karkat can do to get you to drag yourself out of bed so they can try and force-feed you

you don't have the heart to tell them your will to live died back in the Veil

so you sink further into grief with each passing day because what's even the point

everything you used to be died the moment you entered that god forsaken game and Dave was the one who kept you afloat because he was your everything and you don't know what to do without him

every night you're plagued with nightmares about Dave falling and Dave's lifeless eyes and the pair of broken glasses that you keep under your pillow follow you and stare searing holes into your soul and Dave Dave Dave

his ghost haunts you and some days you swear you can hear his low southern drawl whispering from the shadows, begging you to save him, pleading with you

that's when you break out the alcohol because it's the only way to drown out his voice and you can't deal with the regrets and the sadness and the knowledge that you couldn't save him

and it kills you inside every day knowing this and sometimes you wonder if it's worth it but then Jade or Rose or Karkat will find you stuck somewhere miles below rock bottom and haul you back up to the world of the living and it doesn't matter how low you get because they're always there to catch you until suddenly they're not anymore

Karkat is the first to go and you almost don't believe it when Jade shows up at your house shaking with grief because you hadn't even thought about them in the entire time that you'd been out of the game but they must be suffering too

you hate yourself in that moment because you forgot how many friends Karkat said goodbye to and how he could never go back to his home and suddenly you're angry because it's not fair

the game stole so much from you and your friends and you don't understand why and that night you scream and pound your fists and destroy anything and everything you can get your hands on because Sburb took your dad and Rose's mom and Dave's bro and the trolls' lusii and Nepeta and Equius and Feferi and Sollux and Eridan and Gamzee and Terezi and Tavros and Vriska and Aradia and Karkat and Dave Dave Dave

you and Jade and Rose move in together when Kanaya goes off a bridge and you all withdraw because the world is unfamiliar and strange all of a sudden and no one else gets it because you've seen things that no teenager should ever have to see

at night you huddle together to ward off the darkness and the grief and the nightmares that you know will stay with you until the day you die and on bad days you run because you won't be selfish anymore, you won't dump your problems on them because they have their own battles to fight

you can't breathe again when Rose washes up on the shore of the river that runs underneath the elaborate mansion you live in because she's Rose and life without Rose is not a thing that is possible

you start drinking again

you know you'll never be okay again because the game stole the ability from you when it took Dave so suddenly and now all you feel is pain

Jade is a shell of the vibrant girl she used to be and you've stopped looking in the mirror because the image that you see reflected is alien and strange and it only reminds you of everything you've been through

and reminders are the last things you need because all you want to do is forget everything that happened, forget your life starting with your thirteenth birthday because everything that happened after that catastrophic day causes you nothing but pain

Jade gets sick one winter and you don't think anything of it until she doesn't get better

you call every doctor in the state and even some from out of state because you can and none of them can help and you know why

because how do you fix someone who doesn't want to live anymore?

she passes quietly and you're the only one at her funeral because there's no one else left

suddenly you're alone and you can't stand to be in the house where everywhere there's reminders of them so you take off and you don't look back

and when nothing means anything anymore and you can't run from the pain and the overwhelming sadness and you finally hit very rock bottom with nothing else in the world to hold onto you find yourself locked in the bathroom of a seedy hotel room somewhere in the New Mexico desert drinking your own weight in whiskey

you hear his voice one last time

his voice

he's calling you, welcoming you into the blessed darkness of death and he reaches out his hand so you take it

and suddenly you're surrounded by the people that you love and you're not alone anymore and you smile for the first time in three years because you're finally home.