The Book of Wade.
1st Deadpool Note-inthians
And here's your host. DEADPOOOOL!
Honestly, I feel the introduction unnecessary. It clearly says above us what's going on.
Well I don't give a fu-
"HEY!" I screamed at the voices in my head. "This here intros supposed to be PG-13 and I don't want any motha fucking foul languges out of you two cunts." I stated.
But, Wade. You just, you just cussed.
"I don't give two shitty tities." I replied with a hint of sarcasm. " I'm the Steve harvey of this shit. The show host. I explain to our dear readers and viewers what the hell's going on." I winked into the void of nothingness. It was baron of all human contacts and any communication with anything besides myself. I was alone.
Well you are dick DP.
I pulled a gun from my holster and pointed it at myself. "You wanna go number two? I'll shoot myself right here and you'll cease to exist in this fanfic. In fact, it'll be better for me 'cause I won't have to explain a damn thing." I loaded the gun and cocked the trigger.
All that was heard on the other end was silence.
"Alright folks. Here's the deal, I tell, you read, you come back.It's like nicotine that's good for you. Like… E-cigs kids. Proven healthier since they started making green in 1919." I clapped my hands proud of the little jingle I had created.
Ok Wade, the first persons distracting. Change over to third person real quick? All the other stories are set that way, and reading this just feels weird.
Yeah, It's like when your dad starts walking into your room at night instead of your uncle.
"Well, aren't you the director? Tell me Snyder what abomination do you have planned for us today? Perhaps your realising you resignation? Says here it's called." Deadpool pulled some glasses from the cosmos and began read nothing. "Justice League II?"
Well If you must ask Wade. Were going over this months stories: Earth 1998 Winter Soldier, Moon Knight Earth 2026, Magik- Earth 852-"
"And another piece of literature that is the living embodiment of Amy Schumer's funniness." Deadpool interjected.
Dam, the last piece must be absolute garbage.
Well, the writer didn't want a note from us, nor did they want Wade as the host.
Wade grumbled under his mask. "That's because their story was shit, and they didn't want me talking about their trash."
Fair enough Wade.
"The Winter Soldier story is us reading about grown men beating other grown men's meat so hard, they bleed. Dear reader I shit you not. In the end all the manly men get together-I think there's at least twenty of them-and they have a group beating." Wade paused examining the rest of the stories. "In moon Knight's story he's having trouble breathing because he's a pussy. Asthma never killed anyone and no one gives a damn about his slow death. In the end he gets groped by man with big hands and a little head.-God I loved kingpins work in spider-verse.- Alright story number three…. I actually didn't read this one. I'm assuming the plot is "good guy fights bad guy, bad guy wins temporarily, good guy makes a come back and claps his cheeks."
Wade the main character of this one has tits. I mean some serious honkers. A real set of badonkers. Packin some dobonhonkeros. Massive dohoonkabhankoloos. big ol' tonhongerekoogers.
"Well damn. I recommend you read this one first. Apparently the main character has tits instead a big ass deadpool dick. I mean… my apologies I didn't mean to assume your gender young apache helicopter." Wade replied to you and the second voice in his head.
"And that's done! No more stories to talk about! No more nothing we're finished!"
Wade, you've gotta tell them about the last one. The one with Dark Phoenix.
"Oh my bad," Wade gave a laugh as real as the kardashians. "It's actual shit. Like if shit took a shit thats what this is. They didn't want me as their host? Fuck 'em. Now I'll just run there fic through the ground. Hell getting to this points been hard. We had this whole shared universe Idea we never used and then like half the people that said there were giving fics didn't show up. And fuckiung Jeremany never gave me my cocanium or chimm-"
The end
"No fuck that." Stated deadpool. "No look I'm sick and done of this shit. I've killed the marvel universe two times. Two fucking times. Im in movies and other comic's, and all I've wanted was to die for the past forever. Because I know that none of this matters. I'm not real, some dudes just writing me from a keyboard. This rants not even real! It's all just what he wants me to say to you guys. I don't think for myself nothing I say or do is me it's all some interpientation from some writer. I don't exist. I'm not real. But I keep going, only because I'm forced to. Because you idiots keep reading and writing me. Keep watching me, and I can only truly die i-The FUCKING END WADE.