Disclaimer: I OWN MYSELF AND ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME BUT NOTHING ELSE! HA TO
MY CAT, WHO DOESN'T EVEN OWN HIMSELF!
Note:- This may start to seem like a diary. I PROMISE I'M NOT COPYING YOU, CHARLOTTE, WITH STALKING A SLYTHERIN SEX GOD IT'S JUST EASIER TO WRITE DIARY LIKE!
My House. 14th August. My B'day
11.50am
Hello - ho! I am a very unusual girl in as many ways as Ice Cream differs to computer pixels. For one, I don't know my name. Don't laugh or I'll have to kick your arse. For another, I was living in a Muggle street-cred before Mum actually bothered to tell me I was magical. You know, skater stuff. For a third, I don't know who my dad is. In fact, it is the fourteenth of August, my 11th birthday and the day I find out my name.
"Darling, could you come here for a moment please?" My mum, Rene Katz asked from the next room.
"Why don't you call me by my proper name instead of Darling?" I sneered. "Oh - it's because I DON'T HAVE A BLOODY PROPER NAME!"
"Don't go on dear, just come in here! Wow! That rhymed! I'm a poet and I didn't know it!"
Honestly. I don't know what's wrong with her. And she's supposed to be a Slytherin! If she doesn't send me to Hogwarts then I will petition to be disowned. Ha ha ha. Well, I have black eyes and long-ish (shoulder-length) black hair. I had it cropped back a while ago but too many people made fun of me. I had to kick their arses in advance. I've been told I'm pale, but not as pale as the people who say so when they learn I'm gonna kick their arses. Sorry. Arse-kicking is a hobby of mine.
"Hon, I think it's time I gave you a name." Mum said.
"Dead right." I muttered.
Mum sat back to think of a name.
"Uh-oh..."
11.55am
Never, I repeat, NEVER let your Mum join the Anti-Prejudice Against Werewolves Act. She's given me a horrendous name.
My name is Lunar-Justice Katz. Ha ha ha I think not. I'll just call myself Justice and pretend Lunar is a middle name or sommat. Why can't I live with normal people? Anyway, I have been sent up to pack before going to Diagon Alley. I'm running late and tempers are running high.
"ARE YOU READY YET, JUSS?" Mum yelled from downstairs.
"MAYBE IF I SUDDENLY DEVELOPED LIGHT-SPEED WITHOUT KNOWING IT!!!" I yelled back. Honestly. She can be so... infuriatingly persistent sometimes.
12.00pm
Never travel by Floo Powder if you value your hair. I mean it! My nice, jet- black hair has gone an interesting shade of grey because of all the bloody ashes in this fireplace. Well, anyhow, I'm in Diagon Alley. Gringotts to be precise.
"Urgh." I groaned. "I feel sick. Can we stop the ride?" We were on one of those stupid Gringotts cart thingers. Don't ever let goblins drive; I don't think they know what 'Slow Down!!!' means, damn them!
12.02pm
Outside my vault. Looking inside my vault. Lots of gold stuff. Literally dived in and swam in it before Mum pointed out that money is for spending and if she liked she'd buy me a swimming pool.
"Shut up, Justice, just get your money!" She snapped when I pointed out that I was only gloating to the goblin how rich I was. Really!!! Anyone would think I'd been doing something wrong!
12.15pm
I was just standing outside Ollivander's, wondering whether it was worth going in or not, when a freaky red-headed mob came running at me saying 'KILL IT! KILL IT!'
They may have been talking about the blonde man who (as my mum said) looked very much like Lucius Malfoy from her day at school, but I decided not to take any chances and went in anyway.
"Ah!" Said a freaky old man who looked a lot like Duncan from Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. Yes, I know he's dead. "A Katz, if I am right. Son of the famous Katz twins, laddie?" He asked.
Well, that really is going a bit too far. I know my hair's still a bit on the short side, El Freaky-o, but that's no need to be a sexist prat-head!
"I'm a girl." I snarled. He blushed slightly.
"Sorry. So are you daughter of the famous Katz twins?" He asked, resuming his ghoulish freaky attitude.
"Why are my Mum and Aunt famous?" I asked curiously.
"Don't you know?" He frowned. "Well. I don't really think I'm the one to tell you. Ask your mother to tell you. Shall we try you for a wand?"
Before I could pester him further about my mum, he sauntered off into the back of the shop. He's only slightly strange! (Hint hint!)
12.30pm
I can't believe it took 15minutes for Mr. Poofter to get me a wand that worked. Mind you, it was pretty funny when I set his head on fire by accident. In the end, my wand preference is a rather shabby old dogwood and basilisk scale wand.
"Juss! Juss! Merry Christmas!" cried my mum, holding up a cage. I ask you! Three days and she'll be singing Jingle Bells! I think it's because I don't have to be sent to Muggle school anymore, although she'll probably send me to summer school. As well as making me do the homework. I wish I had a dad to kick her arse for me.
"Mum. It's the middle of August. It's also my birthday. Can't you say happy birthday?" I pleaded. "Or, even better, can you disown me?"
She disagreed and gave me the cage. I have to admit, what was inside did take my breath away. It was a jet black snake slithering around looking, uh, snake-like.
"I thought it went well with your hair, dear." My mum said. I was about to point out that it was a real snake and not a feather boa but I decided to ask why she had bought me a potentially dangerous snake.
"Mum, why have you given me a King Cobra?" Mum just looked at me blankly. I opened my mouth to explain. Bad choice. A big, black feathery thing flew in and I choked on it.
It turned out to be a big, black feathery Moon Owl from the forests of Wherever. And it bore notes! I ripped open the envelope to see what the oh- so-important-note-that-nearly-choked-me said.
'Dear Justice (Your Mum told me your name)
Happy birthday from the only sane member of your family! Well, your Aunt Justine (Aren't your names similar?) is sort of sane at the moment' I found it rather hard to believe that bit 'and we decided to send you a birthday present which may prove a great help for your next seven years at Hogwarts. His name's Shadow. Honestly, I didn't name him! I swear! I swear on the next full moon! Oh, by the way, your aunt's pregnant. Hopefully to be born in December.
Lots of love, Your Uncle Remus.'
I stared at the letter. How dare she be pregnant? How dare she? RAPE! RAPE! HE RAPED HER! I knew werewolves were evil, even if he is a bit nice and friendly.
"Well, what does it say, dear?" asked my mum stupidly. How else could she ask? If she had a brain she'd be dangerous.
"Remy's raped Justine." I growled.
"That's Uncle Remus to you, and I'm sure he hasn't. You know, it was him who suggested your name -"
I made a mental note to kill him.
"- but I added Lunar on the front to make it sound appropriate."
I made a mental note to kill her too.
Mum read the letter.
"Who's Shadow?" She asked. My eyes fell upon the black owl, who was waiting patiently. Why hadn't I noticed that it had crapped on my shoulder? Oh well.
"So, you're Shadow, huh?" I asked it. It hooted and blinked owlishly. Boy, I'm starting to sound like Mum. That's not good.
2.00pm
I decided to call my snake Wraith. My Mum decided to call it Whiplash. So now my potentially dangerous King Cobra is called Wraith Whiplash. It looks potentially dangerous. DON'T KILL ME! TAKE HER! SHE DID IT! I hate potentially dangerous snakes which my mum decided to call after the first word she came to in the dictionary
"Isn't it nice that your Aunt Justine is pregnant?" the afore-mentioned dictionary-addict yelled from downstairs. I decided not to dignify that with an answer. I clutched my nice new black wand. Why is everything I own black? Call me a goth and die, peoples.
Shadow was sitting on my bed, blinking. I decided to write a note to send to Uncle Remus.
2.16pm
Three scrapped letters and forty torn pieces of paper later, I have written the letter. I read it over to myself.
"Dear Remy,
Ta much for the owl thing. It doesn't do much except blink owlishly and crap on my stuff. It's very nice to know that 'Tine's pregnant. December... interesting. Why did you rape her in the first place? Sorry, I didn't mean that. Girl or boy? Anyhow, no interesting birthday presents apart from Mum's odd early Chrimbo prezzie. Can you send me money next year? Justice."
I tied the note to Shadow's leg and he flew off out of the window. At classic poo timing, Mum called up.
"Juss, can I borrow that owl of yours for a while?" She asked. I hesitated.
"No. He's off delivering a letter Why do you want him?" I asked, like a true blonde.
"Because I want to go to bed with him!" Said Mother Darling sarcastically. She is improving! "I want to send a letter, you nit!"
"I already have a petition to be disowned!" I yelled down. There was a slam and I saw her skulking Slytherinly off down the street, scaring passers by and fuming to high heaven. At least she's getting over her soppy Nithead Bug. Ack! I hop it's not contagious! Ack!
5.45pm
Mum decided to come back. She walked in, holding her wand (Pinewood and Phoenix Feather. How sweet.) and blasting pretty ornaments. I decided to ask her a question, hoping to catch her off guard.
"Mum, what's my dad's name?"
"I've told you before, Juss, and I'll tell you again: your father's name is immaterial. He was killed by Lord Voldemort years ago."
That's another thing I like about my Mum. She can say Voldemort without flinching. When she told me I was a witch, she also told me about Harry Potty Thingy and Lord Whatsisface. She said to always call him He-Who-Must- Not-Be-Named or You-Know-Who. Well, what if people are too stupid to know who, like my mum?
"Well, at least tell me what his wand was made of?" I pestered her. If she told me this, I could ask El-Ollivandero (alias the blind and scary one) who had a wand like that when I next saw him.
"Redwood and Wyvern Scale. Actually, the wand itself was black because it was a black wyvern, but the wood was definitely redwood!" She laughed at her own joke. I went upstairs, disgusted.
7.00pm.
I just remembered to write down my dad's wand ingredients before I forgot them. Should I ask Uncle Remzy? Yeah... as soon as Shadow gets back.
7.24pm
Ah! Attack of the Mutant Hairballs and... oh no, that's Shadow. And he has Remzy's reply! Hang on:
"Dear Juss,
Ha ha ha. Nice joke about the rape. (I trust it was a joke?) We don't know if it's a girl or a boy, but we'll find out in December. Why is your mother giving you Christmas presents? It's the middle of August. Does she know that? Shadow is house-trained, but he usually just craps wherever he feels like. Don't worry, he thinks you're special. Much love, Remus."
8.33pm
I am crap at writing letters. Here is the one I'm to send to Rip Van Remus.
"Dear Rip Van Remus,
Thanks for your last letter. You know, I'm not sure if mum actually knows that it's summer. I'll have to ask. By the way, do you know who my dad is? Mum said that the Dark Lord killed him before I was born, but I don't believe a word. She was always a bad liar. His wand is out of Redwood and Wyvern Scale. If you can, thanks much. Love, Justice."
I managed to attach it to Shadow's leg without the fluffball biting me so that was quite good. If you're wondering why the letters don't take long to send, it's because:
Shadow is a Moon Owl and travels at the speed of light, as I found out when he tried to suffocate me, and Uncle Remus lives about ten miles away.
9.20pm
Must...sleep...
12.00am
Zzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Note:- This may start to seem like a diary. I PROMISE I'M NOT COPYING YOU, CHARLOTTE, WITH STALKING A SLYTHERIN SEX GOD IT'S JUST EASIER TO WRITE DIARY LIKE!
My House. 14th August. My B'day
11.50am
Hello - ho! I am a very unusual girl in as many ways as Ice Cream differs to computer pixels. For one, I don't know my name. Don't laugh or I'll have to kick your arse. For another, I was living in a Muggle street-cred before Mum actually bothered to tell me I was magical. You know, skater stuff. For a third, I don't know who my dad is. In fact, it is the fourteenth of August, my 11th birthday and the day I find out my name.
"Darling, could you come here for a moment please?" My mum, Rene Katz asked from the next room.
"Why don't you call me by my proper name instead of Darling?" I sneered. "Oh - it's because I DON'T HAVE A BLOODY PROPER NAME!"
"Don't go on dear, just come in here! Wow! That rhymed! I'm a poet and I didn't know it!"
Honestly. I don't know what's wrong with her. And she's supposed to be a Slytherin! If she doesn't send me to Hogwarts then I will petition to be disowned. Ha ha ha. Well, I have black eyes and long-ish (shoulder-length) black hair. I had it cropped back a while ago but too many people made fun of me. I had to kick their arses in advance. I've been told I'm pale, but not as pale as the people who say so when they learn I'm gonna kick their arses. Sorry. Arse-kicking is a hobby of mine.
"Hon, I think it's time I gave you a name." Mum said.
"Dead right." I muttered.
Mum sat back to think of a name.
"Uh-oh..."
11.55am
Never, I repeat, NEVER let your Mum join the Anti-Prejudice Against Werewolves Act. She's given me a horrendous name.
My name is Lunar-Justice Katz. Ha ha ha I think not. I'll just call myself Justice and pretend Lunar is a middle name or sommat. Why can't I live with normal people? Anyway, I have been sent up to pack before going to Diagon Alley. I'm running late and tempers are running high.
"ARE YOU READY YET, JUSS?" Mum yelled from downstairs.
"MAYBE IF I SUDDENLY DEVELOPED LIGHT-SPEED WITHOUT KNOWING IT!!!" I yelled back. Honestly. She can be so... infuriatingly persistent sometimes.
12.00pm
Never travel by Floo Powder if you value your hair. I mean it! My nice, jet- black hair has gone an interesting shade of grey because of all the bloody ashes in this fireplace. Well, anyhow, I'm in Diagon Alley. Gringotts to be precise.
"Urgh." I groaned. "I feel sick. Can we stop the ride?" We were on one of those stupid Gringotts cart thingers. Don't ever let goblins drive; I don't think they know what 'Slow Down!!!' means, damn them!
12.02pm
Outside my vault. Looking inside my vault. Lots of gold stuff. Literally dived in and swam in it before Mum pointed out that money is for spending and if she liked she'd buy me a swimming pool.
"Shut up, Justice, just get your money!" She snapped when I pointed out that I was only gloating to the goblin how rich I was. Really!!! Anyone would think I'd been doing something wrong!
12.15pm
I was just standing outside Ollivander's, wondering whether it was worth going in or not, when a freaky red-headed mob came running at me saying 'KILL IT! KILL IT!'
They may have been talking about the blonde man who (as my mum said) looked very much like Lucius Malfoy from her day at school, but I decided not to take any chances and went in anyway.
"Ah!" Said a freaky old man who looked a lot like Duncan from Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. Yes, I know he's dead. "A Katz, if I am right. Son of the famous Katz twins, laddie?" He asked.
Well, that really is going a bit too far. I know my hair's still a bit on the short side, El Freaky-o, but that's no need to be a sexist prat-head!
"I'm a girl." I snarled. He blushed slightly.
"Sorry. So are you daughter of the famous Katz twins?" He asked, resuming his ghoulish freaky attitude.
"Why are my Mum and Aunt famous?" I asked curiously.
"Don't you know?" He frowned. "Well. I don't really think I'm the one to tell you. Ask your mother to tell you. Shall we try you for a wand?"
Before I could pester him further about my mum, he sauntered off into the back of the shop. He's only slightly strange! (Hint hint!)
12.30pm
I can't believe it took 15minutes for Mr. Poofter to get me a wand that worked. Mind you, it was pretty funny when I set his head on fire by accident. In the end, my wand preference is a rather shabby old dogwood and basilisk scale wand.
"Juss! Juss! Merry Christmas!" cried my mum, holding up a cage. I ask you! Three days and she'll be singing Jingle Bells! I think it's because I don't have to be sent to Muggle school anymore, although she'll probably send me to summer school. As well as making me do the homework. I wish I had a dad to kick her arse for me.
"Mum. It's the middle of August. It's also my birthday. Can't you say happy birthday?" I pleaded. "Or, even better, can you disown me?"
She disagreed and gave me the cage. I have to admit, what was inside did take my breath away. It was a jet black snake slithering around looking, uh, snake-like.
"I thought it went well with your hair, dear." My mum said. I was about to point out that it was a real snake and not a feather boa but I decided to ask why she had bought me a potentially dangerous snake.
"Mum, why have you given me a King Cobra?" Mum just looked at me blankly. I opened my mouth to explain. Bad choice. A big, black feathery thing flew in and I choked on it.
It turned out to be a big, black feathery Moon Owl from the forests of Wherever. And it bore notes! I ripped open the envelope to see what the oh- so-important-note-that-nearly-choked-me said.
'Dear Justice (Your Mum told me your name)
Happy birthday from the only sane member of your family! Well, your Aunt Justine (Aren't your names similar?) is sort of sane at the moment' I found it rather hard to believe that bit 'and we decided to send you a birthday present which may prove a great help for your next seven years at Hogwarts. His name's Shadow. Honestly, I didn't name him! I swear! I swear on the next full moon! Oh, by the way, your aunt's pregnant. Hopefully to be born in December.
Lots of love, Your Uncle Remus.'
I stared at the letter. How dare she be pregnant? How dare she? RAPE! RAPE! HE RAPED HER! I knew werewolves were evil, even if he is a bit nice and friendly.
"Well, what does it say, dear?" asked my mum stupidly. How else could she ask? If she had a brain she'd be dangerous.
"Remy's raped Justine." I growled.
"That's Uncle Remus to you, and I'm sure he hasn't. You know, it was him who suggested your name -"
I made a mental note to kill him.
"- but I added Lunar on the front to make it sound appropriate."
I made a mental note to kill her too.
Mum read the letter.
"Who's Shadow?" She asked. My eyes fell upon the black owl, who was waiting patiently. Why hadn't I noticed that it had crapped on my shoulder? Oh well.
"So, you're Shadow, huh?" I asked it. It hooted and blinked owlishly. Boy, I'm starting to sound like Mum. That's not good.
2.00pm
I decided to call my snake Wraith. My Mum decided to call it Whiplash. So now my potentially dangerous King Cobra is called Wraith Whiplash. It looks potentially dangerous. DON'T KILL ME! TAKE HER! SHE DID IT! I hate potentially dangerous snakes which my mum decided to call after the first word she came to in the dictionary
"Isn't it nice that your Aunt Justine is pregnant?" the afore-mentioned dictionary-addict yelled from downstairs. I decided not to dignify that with an answer. I clutched my nice new black wand. Why is everything I own black? Call me a goth and die, peoples.
Shadow was sitting on my bed, blinking. I decided to write a note to send to Uncle Remus.
2.16pm
Three scrapped letters and forty torn pieces of paper later, I have written the letter. I read it over to myself.
"Dear Remy,
Ta much for the owl thing. It doesn't do much except blink owlishly and crap on my stuff. It's very nice to know that 'Tine's pregnant. December... interesting. Why did you rape her in the first place? Sorry, I didn't mean that. Girl or boy? Anyhow, no interesting birthday presents apart from Mum's odd early Chrimbo prezzie. Can you send me money next year? Justice."
I tied the note to Shadow's leg and he flew off out of the window. At classic poo timing, Mum called up.
"Juss, can I borrow that owl of yours for a while?" She asked. I hesitated.
"No. He's off delivering a letter Why do you want him?" I asked, like a true blonde.
"Because I want to go to bed with him!" Said Mother Darling sarcastically. She is improving! "I want to send a letter, you nit!"
"I already have a petition to be disowned!" I yelled down. There was a slam and I saw her skulking Slytherinly off down the street, scaring passers by and fuming to high heaven. At least she's getting over her soppy Nithead Bug. Ack! I hop it's not contagious! Ack!
5.45pm
Mum decided to come back. She walked in, holding her wand (Pinewood and Phoenix Feather. How sweet.) and blasting pretty ornaments. I decided to ask her a question, hoping to catch her off guard.
"Mum, what's my dad's name?"
"I've told you before, Juss, and I'll tell you again: your father's name is immaterial. He was killed by Lord Voldemort years ago."
That's another thing I like about my Mum. She can say Voldemort without flinching. When she told me I was a witch, she also told me about Harry Potty Thingy and Lord Whatsisface. She said to always call him He-Who-Must- Not-Be-Named or You-Know-Who. Well, what if people are too stupid to know who, like my mum?
"Well, at least tell me what his wand was made of?" I pestered her. If she told me this, I could ask El-Ollivandero (alias the blind and scary one) who had a wand like that when I next saw him.
"Redwood and Wyvern Scale. Actually, the wand itself was black because it was a black wyvern, but the wood was definitely redwood!" She laughed at her own joke. I went upstairs, disgusted.
7.00pm.
I just remembered to write down my dad's wand ingredients before I forgot them. Should I ask Uncle Remzy? Yeah... as soon as Shadow gets back.
7.24pm
Ah! Attack of the Mutant Hairballs and... oh no, that's Shadow. And he has Remzy's reply! Hang on:
"Dear Juss,
Ha ha ha. Nice joke about the rape. (I trust it was a joke?) We don't know if it's a girl or a boy, but we'll find out in December. Why is your mother giving you Christmas presents? It's the middle of August. Does she know that? Shadow is house-trained, but he usually just craps wherever he feels like. Don't worry, he thinks you're special. Much love, Remus."
8.33pm
I am crap at writing letters. Here is the one I'm to send to Rip Van Remus.
"Dear Rip Van Remus,
Thanks for your last letter. You know, I'm not sure if mum actually knows that it's summer. I'll have to ask. By the way, do you know who my dad is? Mum said that the Dark Lord killed him before I was born, but I don't believe a word. She was always a bad liar. His wand is out of Redwood and Wyvern Scale. If you can, thanks much. Love, Justice."
I managed to attach it to Shadow's leg without the fluffball biting me so that was quite good. If you're wondering why the letters don't take long to send, it's because:
Shadow is a Moon Owl and travels at the speed of light, as I found out when he tried to suffocate me, and Uncle Remus lives about ten miles away.
9.20pm
Must...sleep...
12.00am
Zzzzzzzzzzzzz...