Note: all that's mine is part of the storyline, the rest I borrowed !
Chapter 1 – Nothing really ends
In a strange, dark bedroom he sat, alone, in a corner. One leg stretched, the other bend so that his head could rest on his knee. He was staring out of the window but you could tell he really didn't see anything. He was sad, I saw it from the way he behaved, I felt it. Something happened, something changed… I didn't know what it was. I wanted to find out, I hated this feeling of distance between us. I knew he wasn't exactly the talkative type but I was hoping he trusted me enough to let me watch into his soul. I entered the room and went to sit by his side. Softly he lay down his head on my shoulder. I took his hand and punched it a little. I could feel his rough skin, rough from working. It was a real manly hand, strong, a little rough but comforting at the same time. 'What's going on with you, you sad boy?' I whispered in his ear. He didn't respond. After a while he turned his face to mine, looked me deep in the eye and started kissing me with soft, slightly wet lips. This gesture meant a lot to me, it meant that he still liked me, that he still wanted to be with me and in a way, it was meant as comfort. After a while our kisses became more heated, more passionate, wilder… his hand moved up my blouse. We breathed faster and faster. I felt how I got aroused by his lips, his tongue, his touches, his body pressed to mine. Where his fingers had been, he left burning marks. I definitely liked this! But when he started to undress me, I stopped him. I wanted it, but not now, not here, not to solve a fight. He immediately stood up and yelled at me with an angry voice 'Oh come on Rory! We are dating for months, we are ready!'. His eyes were wide open and looked cold at me. I panicked. 'Well Jess, you didn't really think it was going to happen here, did you? In a strange house, in a strange room, in the dark…' My voice was shrill, tears were in my eyes. 'I wasn't really thinking' he said coldly. I could hear the suppressed anger in his voice. I knew him so well and yet I didn't at all. 'No I guess you weren't' I told him equally cold. He left… he let me sitting there by myself, unsure what to do. He didn't want me to follow him and all I could think of was run after him, jump into his arms and never let go…'
With a sigh and the desire from the dream still inside me, I woke up. Laying on my back, my arms by my side I stared into the darkness of my dorm room. This wasn't the first time I had this dream. I hated to be reminded of that moment, of that whole relationship as a matter of fact. It ended, not by my choice, but it was over. At least, I thought it was. Why was I still dreaming about him if it was over? Why did I keep returning to that moment? I wasn't a virgin anymore, Dean took care of that. It was a beautiful moment, at the time. Now that I thought back, I wasn't so sure. I don't regret it but a lot of wrong things happened after that first time with Dean and when I'm truly honest with myself I didn't really love him anymore. Not even at the time we did it. I just thought I loved him. I must have been frustrated and very lonely and he was just always there to keep me company. It was a left-over from the past, mixed with a big hole in my heart. A hole that Jess left, a wound I thought was healed. Maybe it's time that I start to see that the wound isn't healed at all. I'm never going to forgive Jess that he just left, without saying goodbye, without telling me anything. I'm worth more than that and he knows that. I know he tried to call me, but he couldn't tell me.
And then he came back, just when I thought I was over him, he was back to pick up his long lost love: his car. When I thought of that moment I still feel the hurt of seeing him back, running away from him, from the pain, from the left feelings. And than he had to say that he loved me. God! Why couldn't he leave me alone! Angrily I turned on my right side, now facing my room. I was just still, I wasn't really thinking about something, I was just lying there, allowing myself to feel whatever I felt like at that moment. A couple of hours past, the sun began to rise, birds started to sing. Since I couldn't sleep anymore and the strange mood I was in, I decided to go for a walk. I put on my new jeans and a nice green t-shirt and a jacket. I combed my hair, took my cell phone and keys, put on my Nikes and went. It was nice to walk around Yale without being disturbed by loud students. It was a beautiful, not so warm day at the beginning of spring. The trees were still bare, but you could see a leaf appearing here and there. The sky was blue and had some cute white little clouds, the sun gave the scenery a certain glow. Although I wasn't a morning person at all, I really enjoyed the view, the air, the loneliness of it all. I came to rest while my feet kept on walking. I went back to my dorm when the first students started appearing on campus. Paris was already up. 'Good morning Rory. Where have you been? Have you seen my notes? I lost my notes! I need my notes to go to class! Where are my notes Rory?' I heard her talk but it really didn't sink in. Absently I answered Paris that I didn't know where her notes were. I went to my room, shut the door and sank down on my bed. I took my cell and called… 'Hi sweets, how's it hanging'?