It was heartbreaking, really, to watch as tears rolled down those perfect porcelain cheeks. To know that he had caused such an angel heartbreak. Especially when all he really wanted to do was hold him close and whisper sweet, comforting words in his ear. To kiss his cheeks and then his lips and God, he had kissed those soft lips of his once and he only wanted more... and to play with his hair and have him fall asleep in his arms. To feel his silky smooth skin.
But he was growing up in a world in which that seemed a very bad thing to want.
So he punched, threatened, shoved, scared Kurt. And he knew it wasn't fair, and damn, he wanted to punch himself in the face. But it needed to be done. Better Kurt than him, right? Besides, the only people who hated him were in the Glee club, and none of those kids mattered...except for glorious, perfect, beautiful Kurt...
And he wanted to slap himself everytime he had these thoughts, because they were wrong, wrong, wrong...And Karofsky wasn't very religious, he knew that, but he had gone to church when he was little, and hadn't they always told him that being gay and liking other boys was an evil thing and he woud go to hell and burn for all eternity...
But if the football team found out, he might not make it out alive. The football players were all big, strong guys. He had to admit, no matter how much they hated him, they still went easy on Kurt, because he was small. He was thin, and pale, and perfect.
Plus if he went home with a bunch of obvious injuries, they were bound to get in trouble a lot sooner than they did. And surely, that was the real reason why Dave insisted they go easy on him, yes, of course.
He hated Kurt, he hated him, because he was a little faggy, gay, homo, piece of shit, and he would be going to hell when he died, because he deserved it.
But if Kurt was a faggy, gay, homo, piece of shit...then Karofsky was, too.
And he fucking deserved to be called that more than anyone else.
He owed Kurt an apology. He owed him six lifetimes worth of apologies. Of favors. He owed him the world. He deserved to be outed and shamed and made fun of and beat up by homophobic guys. Just like Kurt had been. He deserved to question whether or not waking up in the morning was really worth it, to me afraid to go to school everyday. Just like Kurt had. But no.
He deserved to be himself and not have to worry about what everyone else thought. He deserved to walk the halls without worrying about being beaten up, and without having to live in fear of everyone finding out that, yes, Karofsky liked guys. David Karofsky, the football player, who beat up the gay Kurt Hummel, was gay himself.
And those were luxuries that Kurt had never experienced, though he deserved them most of all.
And then he couldn't take it. What had he done? He had degraded Kurt and chipped away at his confidence for all of his academic life. And now there was just one year left. One year to make it up to him. That wasn't nearly enough time. A million years wouldn't be nearly enough time.
But he at least owed Kurt a simple apology. He owed him that much. He was capable, and strong enough to give him that much, though he deserved so much more...
"I'm so friggin' sorry, Kurt." and that was all he could imagine, tears spilling down his face.
"I accept your apology." and then he turned, expression unchanging, to go off to his succesful life and his boyfriend...because he was so much better than him. So much stronger than Karofsky.
He had seen Kurt's father. He was a man's man. Baseball cap. Jeans. Plaid shirts. His vocabulary wasn't especially large. He was a mechanic and he loved football. Surely, it couldn't have been easy to come out to him. Yet Kurt had done it. He had pushed all his fear away.
Even though Dave played football. Even though he was visibly taller, and stronger, and had more muscle, and was more masculine..Kurt was the bigger man.
And Dave could cry a river and drown himself in it, because tears wouldn't tell his father he was gay for him. They wouldn't make his football teammates any less homophobic. Kurt seemed to accept this a long time ago, because everytime he shoved him into the locker, he would suck it up, hold in his tears, at least until he had walked away. Kurt didn't want to give him the satisfaction.
It wouldn't have been satisfaction, though. He would laugh, without humour, at the fact that he was so weak and yet, in front of him stood a boy, crying, because of him, who was so much more powerful than he could ever hope to be.
Dave Karofsky wished he could be half as tough as the boy who he pushed into lockers everyday.