A/N: Don't own, takes place during the Half-Blood Prince and if I had a tumour I'd name it Marla.
I've never told a lie and that makes me a liar,
I've never made a bet but we gamble with desire,
I've never lit a match with intent to start a fire
But recently the flames are getting out of control.
-'Jasey Rae', All Time Low.
I
(you're just one person)
You've done something bad.
You like to think it was the rebellious side of you kicking out again but that would be a lie. You like to think you were pushed to do it and maybe you were. So fucking sick of people calling you perfect.
"I can't be with you. You're too young, too whole, too perfect."
Oh he didn't seem to realise that he was the perfect one- polite and charming and chivalrous and all the rest. You're nothing compared to him and don't you fucking know it.
You like to think it was his fault. No not him, him.
"I'm so sorry I left. I can't believe I actually left you behind... you're perfect."
You were just so sick of everyone thinking you were perfect. The perfect auror with the perfect sense of humour and the perfect loyalty...
Ha!
Of course, you're all about Remus and you have been for a year now. Charlie, Charlie was just a little flirting for old time's sake... Right?
But then Remus pushed you away againagainagain and you did what your first instinct was... You ran to Charlie. You knew you didn't love him but he was there and he had been for a year. You already had Charlie and it was so easy. It was only a one time thing, anyway. A one time thing that turned into a two, three, fourfivesixmoretime thing.
But it wasn't your fault, oh no.
It was Bellatrix's fault for hunting you down and Sirius' fault for dying. Mad-Eye's fault for working you to the bone and Kingsley's fault for not covering your shifts. Narcissa's fault for giving you dirty looks in Diagon Alley and Draco's fault for turning into a miniature version of his father. Ginny's fault for looking up to you and Bill's fault for complaining about his family hating his fiancée. Fleur's fault for being more attractive than you. Molly's fault for being so nice and... and... everyoneeveryoneveryone's faults...
Never you. It's never your fault, is it, Nymphadora?
Yes, you've done something bad. Playing two people off, toying with emotions and b r e a k i n g people. Indecision is a crime, Nymphadora, and especially when it involves other humans. Indecision leads to pity and affairs and unwanted children. Indecision leads to wars and tragic Kurt Cobain endings (or is that just drugs? You're not sure...). You'll make a choice, you decide. A clean cut choice, one that ends everything there and then-
Oh look, its Remus...
...Maybe tomorrow?
(Didn't you know, Nymphadora? Little girls that play with fire get their fingers burnt. You should make the choice now before you burn down everything around you)
II
(grasping hold of two people)
The heavy clouds of winter roll onwards and you're still messing around.
Stay with Charlie tonight, but wait, Remus is back from the wolves and if you can just convince him you might get him and-
Little girls that play with fire get their fingers burnt; didn't anybody ever tell you that, Mes Amie?
Bill's figured it out and he's not happy (but then again, you have been playing his brother for a while now). You should've figured out sooner that this wouldn't just affect the three of you, and now you've lost your best friend, you silly, silly girl.
You both shout and scream in a magically silenced room for what seems like hours and it hurts, because just about everything he says is bang on target. Not that you let him know that, obviously.
I mean, come on, Bill just doesn't understand...
(Times ticking, Nymphadora)
You've ignited.
III
(because you're scared of being left alone for the third time)
It's just after Christmas and you've been avoiding everyone. If they're going to assume things, might as well leave them to it.
You do finally swing by, towards the end of the holidays, but that's more for Ginny's sake; you promised you'd see her and despite not wanting to, you've messed around her brother so much that feel obliged to.
(Of course, you pick a day when Remus and Charlie are no where to be seen)
You stay for dinner and it's horrible. All the damn sympathy that you really don't deserve makes you want to scream and the looks Bill are sending you over the table are killing you. You decide to stare at your feet under the table for a bit instead of having to look at him, but of course Molly takes pity on you and assumes it a part of your newfound depression. If only she knew how you've been treating her son, she wouldn't be so sympathetic then, would she?
It's after dinner that's the worst, though, because that's when Fleur confronts you. Oh, Bill's told her everything and she's not too happy about the way you're treating 'son nouveau frère'.
It's awful because every single thing she's saying (even when she's swearing at you in French) is so damn true. Trouble is, Molly steps in and she automatically takes your side. Because Fleur's picking on you and you're going through a rough patch and what right does she have to shout at you?
(Oh Molly, if only you knew)
It's slightly ironic, you think, that everyone around here seems to think that Fleur is the bad person. That she's horrible on the inside and that you're the good person. Oh, how very wrong they are.
You don't tell them that, though, do you? Nonono, it's much easier to pretend that you're the good person here. It's not really cheating, is it? I mean, you're not really in a relationship with either of them, right?
Ginny gives you a long hug and tells you that everything will be ay-okay and it makes you want to scream at her. You're not the good person and she really would be better off looking up to Fleur. Wasn't it you last year that told her to follow her heart, to be a good person, to never love two people, to never go for lust and nevereverever lead two people on?
Hypocrisy, thy name is Nymphadora.
IV
(you're going four kinds of crazy)
Spring. New life and all that shit, right?
Maybe not.
You've gotten in too deep and you don't know where to turn.
You and Remus have been on and off like a muggle stove for the past year and Charlie's been there without question. That's the trouble, you're caught between the Charlie you have and the Remus you want.
Oh yes, you've gotten in f a r too deep. You're getting c o n f u s e d, making mistakes.
Because last night you called Charlie Remus and by that tiny look in his eye you know he fucking noticed.
And just yesterday, when you and Remus were in the kitchen alone:
"Pass us the sugar, Char."
Whoops.
For all Remus knows, you haven't seen Charlie for a month.
And by the way he raised one eyebrow you know he fucking noticed.
Oh Dora, darling, you should have gotten out whilst you still had the chance. You're slipping up, making mistakes. Still smouldering, still burning.
Charlie's gone back to Romania for two weeks so that means Remus is here... But wait... Is that right? Or was it Remus going back to the wolves for two weeks and Charlie staying here?
Which one are you? I thought you were over there? Where is he? You're not supposed to be here! Why aren't you him?
V
(you're feeling the need for five shots of whisky)
It's more than just you lying, now, isn't it Dora?
They've cottoned on and you'd think they'd both leave you in the dust for it, wouldn't you? (You kindofsortofmaybe wish they would. Then it would be their choice not yours)
But they don't. Of course they fucking don't.
Charlie, he's a little more vocal with helping you along with the decision; pulling you towards him and brushing the hair from the nape of your neck and whispering in your ear
"I love you."
Surprisingly enough, Remus is the one that shows his feelings through physicality. His words are still "You deserve someone young and whole" but his actions are all about you.
You're in a flurry and you're not quite sure where to turn.
There's Charlie with his flaming redredred hair and those deep bluegreen eyes and that still boyish smile that makes you melt a little. He's attractive with his well-muscled body and cute face and you can tell people look at him twice when he's walking down the street. He's the dragon-loving Quidditch star that everyone always loves. Charlie is summer; predictable, unchanging, all cut grass and watching the late sunset. He's your past and everything behind you- Hogwarts, Hufflepuff, jokes by the lake and winding up Snape in potions class. But Charlie, Charlie's overbearing. He's getting a little clingy and you don't do clingy. You loved him, loved him properly once but now it's more... lust. He's a convenience because you have him and, well, that's too easy, isn't it?
And then there's Remus with his greying hair and those everchanging eyes and that tiny crinkle his lips do when he smiles and it makes him look ten years younger and it makes you positively grin. He's handsome in his own way with his slender frame and scarred face and the fact that he's older which to you just makes him better looking and you can tell that no one looks at him twice when he's walking down the street. He's the book-loving werewolf that everyone is wary of (not that they need to be, not if they know the real Remus). Remus is autumn; unpredictable and ever changing, all crunchy leaves and cuddling through thunderstorms. He's someone you would really like in your future and everything in front of you- growing old together, reading books by candlelight, walking through the park hand in hand and falling asleep to the heartbeat behind you. But Remus, Remus is afraid. He's pushing you away and pulling you back and you're getting a little sick of it. You love him, love him properly but he's afraid to even be near you half the time in case he does something. He's a challenge because you want him so badly and well, you've always liked a challenge, haven't you?
You don't know which one to choose and your time is running out. But who are you going to choose? The ever-adoring man that you don't adore back or the man you do adore but is afraid to do so much as touch you half the time in case he spontaneously combusts or some shit like that?
(Way to sodding pick 'em)
You're a bad person, Dora, leading two people on for your own needs and you know it. You p u s h yourself away from everybody as if it's their fault, hide yourself away and s c r e a m at anybody that comes near you.
You know who you're turning into?
Narcissa Malfoy.
Your Aunt.
(It's not my fault Andromeda left, it's hers, it's not my fault I never went after her, it's Bella's, it's not my fault Draco is like he is, it's Lucius', it's not my fault Sirius is dead and Nymphadora's in hospital, it's theirs, it's not my fault Lucius is in Azkaban, it's The Dark Lord's)
You don't know what to do, everything and everyone you touch burns. You continue to push yourself away from people because they're starting to get wise to this façade that you've been pulling, this little game you've been playing. Everything you touch turns to ash and it's still not helping, not at all because now you're even more alone. You're scared, you're just a child and everyone's leaving again. Icy loneliness is what you remember and you've craved the heat of the fire for so long that you've let it swarm over you completely, burning, burning, b u r n i n g and now you're burning everything around you.
VI
(you're finally getting si(x)ck of this)
Funnily enough, it's Bill that helps you make the choice. Not that he knows it; he's unconscious at the time.
They say that fear brings out the best in you and before you know what you're doing, you're screaming for the whole hospital to hear. (Luckily enough, Charlie is not there)
He finallyfinallyfinally accepts everything (not just those little touch and go moments the two of you have) and you take it as a sign. You're a little preoccupied after that but you make a mental note to actually burn up every tie you have with Charlie.
The next few weeks are a blur of making plans and fending off Death Eaters and avoiding Charlie and getting married.
Woah. Hold up. Married? When did that happen?
No matter, it's done now. Happiest day of your life and all that shit.
It's such a whir that it's making you sick (no, not wanting-to-run-away sick, throwing-up-what-you-had-for-lunch sick) but that's alright, it's over now and its fine. You've cooled down. You're fine. You're pretty sure you've made the right choice so I guess all you can do now is sit back, go with the flow and wait for the happy ending.
(All whilst praying to Merlin or Helga or whoever that you did make the right choice)
Yes, don't you worry, Dora. Everything is going to be ay-okay now that you've made your choice.
VII
(are you on your seventh sin?)
Wait... Pregnant? Fu-uck.
(Didn't I tell you, Nymphadora, that little girls who play with fire get their fingers burnt?)
A/N: Me and this fic have been having a little mini-war. I actually finished this on the same day as A n t o n y m but I've been on and off with it ever since.
Firstly, I want to say thanks to my beta, xoxosmileyfacexoxo because she's put up with me spamming her with this piece and she must have read it a few times by now.
Secondly, I am aware of the fact that Tonks only visited the Weasley's around Christmas in the film adaption of HBP. It's been a while since I've read HBP thoroughly but from what I can recall, she's only explicitly said not to be there at Christmas itself. Roll with me on this one. Again...