Title: Needed
Author: willowwood
Rating PG-13
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from the shows Buffy the vampire slayer or Angel; they belong to the god Joss Whedon, Fox, UPN and the WB.
Dedication: This is dedicated to a friend of mine who passed away, a while ago. It was because of the anniversary of his death that gave me the idea to write this. He was one of the people who always encouraged me to write, and would always leave me such fantastic reviews, so this piece is purely dedicated to Kai.
Summary: It's nice to be needed.
Spoilers: Buffy season 7, and Angel season 5 mostly.
Needed
Spike sat in the leather chair that stood in front of Angel's desk. He was spread across it, legs flung over one arm back rested against the other. The room was deserted, all of the other Angel Investigation team members probably off doing something important, but he didn't care, he wasn't in the mood for saving the world, and certainly didn't feel guilty for doing sod all.
In fact he was thankful for it, he wanted the time alone. Hoping it'd give him chance to think clearly for a change with out the annoying comments every second from all of these poncy lawyer types.
He couldn't help smiling at the thought of it all though, ever since he'd been made corporeal again all he'd heard from Angels employees was 'Morning Mr Spike', 'Can I get you anything Mr Spike'. It was refreshing to have people scared of him again, willing to do everything and anything he asked for.
He shook his head to rid it of the thoughts and pride and glee that it built up in his chest. He didn't want to feel good and powerful, not today. Not with the news the file on his lap and revealed to him.
It was filled with various sheets of paper, news articles, eye witness reports, television transcripts, even a letter from Rupert Giles. All of which told him various things about the collapse of Sunnydale and the destruction of The Firsts vampire army.
Coincidently he'd just happened to come across it whilst browsing through the filing cabinet marked with an S. Really with the amount of important documents in the basement of Wolfram and Hart he'd have thought they'd have more security down there. Might have to put that one to Angel later, once he'd put the file back in its right full place, naturally.
Of course half of what was laid out in front of him was old news, after all he was there. Was probably the cause of the majority of it thanks to the Elizabeth Style pendant Angel had ever so kindly delivered to them.
With a sigh he pulled out a copy of the small letter from Rupert, and placed it on top of everything else. It was only short, a brief account of what had happened, its soul purpose was probably to just show that Buffy had survived. No doubt Angel had the original in his possession, something for him to treasure.
At the bottom of it there was a simple paragraph about them all, how they were planning on going hunting for all the newly made slayers, rounding them up before carrying on to Cleveland where they planned to shut that Hellmouth down, but none of this really caught his attention though. All that he was interested in was the fact that Buffy and Dawn were safe and secure, preparing to move on and set up a new home somewhere else, far away from Demons and Darkness.
At the bottom of this paragraph though there was something that stuck out to Spike as though it was a million times bigger than any of the other words on the page, and if he was honest with himself it stung. Sharp and painful like a stake through the heart.
He took in a deep unneeded breath and began to read the sentence aloud to the empty room.
"It is with great regret that I must write these words. Amongst the many casualties that this hectic battle caused there were numerous slayers who were not capable and hadn't been sufficiently trained to fight such a force of evil, we were as expected severely outnumbered. Unfortunately we also lost a dear friend, Anya Jenkins formerly know as the demon Anyanka did not survive the battle. She lived and died courageously for the cause. It is with further dismay that due to the destruction of Sunnydale no body was found"
He pursed his lips together in dismay as his mind drifted back to what appeared like so very long ago.
Spike sat on the cot in Buffy's basement and watched as Anya sat across from him a magazine held between her hands and every now and then she flicked through the pages. He had no idea why she had decided to grace him with her presence.
Just that less than five minutes ago the basement had been flooded with a bright light as the door upstairs was opened. This was then followed by the sound of footsteps walking down the staircase. He was surprised to see that it was Anya, having expected it to be Buffy coming to harass him about something, even a visit from Dawn would have be less of a shock, but not the ex-demon ever since what had happened in the Magic Box she wasn't one of his most frequent visitors.
She provided no explanation for why she was there, simply dropped down on to the bottom step, and pulled her legs up underneath her before opening the magazine, and casually flicking through the pages.
The silence that had built up between them was suddenly broken as a deep sigh passed her lips, he raised a suspicious eyebrow. She was probably expressing her boredom. She'd often do it at the Scooby meetings, not that he could blame her they could be extremely dull at times, and he didn't doubt that the others would be doing exactly the same if they hadn't got it into there heads that it was improper, or whatever word Xander often used to describe her honest behaviour.
She sighed again and began flicking through the magazine more forcefully practically slamming the pages together in an effort to make as much noise as possible. He turned away from her and pretended that he found his flaking nail varnish rather more interesting than her.In a last ditch effort she slammed the magazine shut, clapping her hands together over the top of it before dropping her feet to the floor as loudly as possible.
At that moment he was glad he wasn't looking in her direction, because he wasn't sure he'd be able to hide the smirk that crossed his lips. He didn't know why she was there or why she was so desperate to get his attention, but it amused him that the more he ignored her the more frustrated she seemed to get. He could hear her heart beat getting faster and faster, She cleared her throat.
"Err…..Spike" she whispered, he quickly spun to face her, planting a look of shock on his features as though noticing her for the first time. She raised an annoyed brow and didn't look impressed, before casting her head down to where her hand unconsciously played with the sleeve of her sweater.
"Anya if your here for sex then the answers still no" he teased. She ran a hand quickly through her hair before giving him a vicious look, remembering there previous conversation. She then returned to studying her sleeve. His face dropped in concern.
"Is everything alright love?" he asked softly. Her head shot up once more, and the expression on her face was as if he'd discovered some kind of little secret she had.
"Oh it's nothing" she said, trying her best to sound casual as she flicked her hand, dismissing the subject. He wasn't buying it and watched her quietly as she suddenly stood up and walked over to the small window on her right. Once there she seemed to find a large cobweb suddenly very interesting. She sighed again before freezing up for a second, and then her head dropped to face the floor.
"Spike" she began again.
"Yeah love?"
She turned to face him, and stopped suddenly. Startled to find him standing directly behind her, she laughed nervously and ran her hand through her hair once more, this time simply for something to delay whatever it was she wanted to say to him.
She stopped mid way through her blonde locks, and looked at him from beneath her arm before dropping it to her side.
"You know for over 1120 years I've never had to worry about the idea of Death, and now that I'm human the possibility that I many die any second hangs over me like the grim reaper" she urged
Spike raised a speculative eyebrow that just screamed "Don't be so stupid"
"Don't talk silly love, so you may technically be over a hundred and twenty years old but you've got the body and physical fitness of a twenty year old" he smirked slightly looking her up and down before adding "What on earth could happen to you?"
"Err hello, unless I'm mistaken we do live on a hellmouth here Spike, and besides over the centuries I've seen millions of people die from things they didn't even know existed. True sometimes I was the cause of it but well take you for example, you were killed by a vampire and did you know that they were even real?" she didn't give him chance to answer "…..and then there's Joyce, she was killed by something that was beyond hers and our control, no matter what we or the doctors did there was no stopping what happened to her. I mean did either of you know death was coming?"
Throughout this monologue she had avoided his gaze, starring down at his naked chest, Spike took his hand and cupped it under her chin urging her face up to look at him and was slightly surprised to see tears leading small trails down her face. At that moment it hit him how hard this was affecting her, the idea of immortality was like an addiction, and a comfort blanket something to cling to when everything else failed. He'd seen it in others, those kids who offered him the slayer in return for being turned. Immortality offered power, and got rid of the idea of ever growing old and wrinkly, not having the ability to look after yourself, and eventually a long and painful death.
And now Anya had all that taken away from her, she new that she was going to grow old and wrinkly, an idea that for Anya meant losing her looks and because of her current state of singleness it also meant dying old and lonely.
He smiled slightly and reached down taking her hand. Holding it gently he pulled her towards the cot on the other side of the room. He sat down and as expected she followed, he still didn't loose her hand just held it rested against his leg.
She didn't pull away as she released a nervous sigh, closely followed by an anxious giggle as she wiped at her eyes and smooth down her hair once more. A silence slowly grew between them and all that could be heard was her heavy breathing and sniffs. It was then that she looked up towards him and looking straight in his eyes asked him the question that she had probably wanted to ask him since the very moment she stepped on to the top step of the basement staircase.
"Spike what's it like to die?" and the tears slowly began to fall once more.
To say he was shocked at the question was some what of an understatement. If she'd have asked him to partake in a three-some with her and Xander he doubted he would have been as surprised as he was at that point. He pretty much guessed that the sudden realisation of death was plaguing her, but he didn't actually expect her to come right out and ask him about it, but maybe he should have guessed she would after all it was Anya he was talking to.
Thoughts ran through his mind of ways that he could cast the question aside, he didn't think the girl in front of him whose cheeks were marked with tear tracks, and who looked petrified of the unknown was ready to hear what he remembered of his oh so short death. He didn't think it was what she wanted to hear, but he hadn't got the heart to make something up about Angels and clouds after all she had come to him in search of the truth, if she'd wanted some cock and bull explanation then there were plenty of books that she could have gone and read. What she wanted was some insight into what it was actually really about, even if it was only a small amount of clarification.
He took in a deep breath.
"The night I was turned, there was a part of me that wanted to die. Why else would I have gone into a dark alley on my own in London, I suppose I was asking for death, after all I'd heard the rumours of the death rate at that time, people going missing no bodies being found. I wasn't stupid; I was simply fed up of all the ridicule, my average life.
It never really occurred to me that I was one of the lucky ones. I had a beautiful house, a mother who loved me and enough money from my father's death to see me through the rest of my days. But in my eyes, my life was destroyed the second Cecile rejected me, told me I was beneath her. I was a love sick fool, and that final blow was just to low to cope with. It didn't help that my death came in the disguise of the glorious Drusilla, a black goddess.
I was flattered that somebody as beautiful as her was interested in me, and of course when she spoke of power, and worlds that I couldn't begin to imagine I went to my death willingly. Would probably have walked to the end of the world if she'd have asked me to that night".
Anya wiped at her cheeks and nose casually, "And after that before you awoke as a demon? What then?"
Spikes brow crunched together as he tried to remember something he had never really thought about before.
"For the most of what I can remember it was all darkness, like when you close your eyes just before you drift off to sleep and anything else I did see were like dreams or rather nightmares. I saw lots of blood flowing around, bodies with faces of people I didn't recognise. Another one that is a bit clearer though, is I was being chased through the streets that I'd grew up in. I never saw my pursuer, just knew deep down that it was someone or something far stronger than myself, vicious to its very core and looking for blood.
The chase would always end up in the same place, no matter what streets I took or how quickly I ran, whatever it was would always catch up with me in the alley where I was bitten and I'd scream and then it'd start all over again"
He looked over at Anya, who was watching him with great interest. He'd never really told anybody about this before, not surprisingly nobody had really been interested in it all, thought it was a touch to morbid. He waited a moment expecting her to say something but no words past her lips. He shifted in his seat and shuffled back to lean against the cool wall.
"I suppose that it's different for everybody though….." he began hoping to lighten up the situation "…we all see things that are relevant to us as human beings, for me it was the demon taking over my body. For others they might see a tunnel with a bright light at the end of it, beckoning them, others see Angels. Depends on the person I guess" he finished with a shrug,
A small smile began to form on Anyas lips "Thank You Spike" she began taking in a deep breath "I needed that, it's better to have a slight idea of what to expect" She squeezed his hand slightly before standing up and walking over towards the stairs.
After a moment Spike called out to her, she paused and looked over her shoulder towards him. "What makes you suddenly so worried that your gonna die?" he asked curiously.
She turned to him seriously, placing her hands on her hips defiantly "D'hoffryn said that the end was coming, it was the reason he didn't kill me where I stood that night, and D'hoffryn isn't the type to make idle threats" she then smiled and took in a deep breath making sure to wipe away the last traces of tears from her face and smoothing her hair, before heading up the stairs, and disappearing into the world of the Scooby's leaving Spike to his thoughts.
Of course she was right, and D'hoffryn never did make an idle threat. Maybe after living a hundred and twenty years you start to get some kind of intuition about certain things and people. Never-the-less there was one thing she hadn't managed to learn about in all her years and that night she had needed Spike to give her that little bit of hope that maybe there was some sense of being after death, and Spike had offered her everything that he could.
After all he was used to being needed, it made him feel worth while sometimes and not just a little pawn in some big cheeses major plan.
After all when he was human his mother had needed him to look after her when she was ill, and then Drusilla had needed him to take care of her and bring her pretty girls to eat, after what happened in Prague. Dawn had need him when Buffy had died, then Buffy needed and wanted him to make her feel upon her return from heaven, and at that moment Anya had needed him. It was only a simple thing but it was something, a brief snippet of what it was to be human.
Suddenly his thoughts were interrupted as the door to Angel's office was quickly pushed open. Jumping to his feet he quickly hid the file and tucked it beneath his duster. He turned towards the door to see Fred peeping around the door.
"Err Spike" she began, a smirk spread across his face.
"Yeah Love?" he asked
"Could you do me a little favour? I just need you….." Before she could finish Spike stopped her.
"Yeah cause I can, just need to do something first" What could he say, it was great to be needed once in a while even if it was only for a little thing.
The End