The Truth About Snakes and Men
By Rod Hannah
"Good evening. I'm Hector Ramirez, and this is Twenty Questions," the
clean-cut and notably moustached reporter introduced himself. He sat at
his news desk with a look on his face which barely hid a nervous
intensity. "On tonight's program we have a shocking newstory which
attempts to answer the thousands of questions we get sent from viewers
each month. Just who is Cobra Commander?"
Hector gave a plastic smile, "Yes, that and many other questions were finally addressed when I and
the Twenty Question news team accompanied the recently captured
terrorist leader as he was transported to Blackwater Prison by members
of America's daring G.I. Joe team."
***
"I'm standing here near the swampy backwater of the Florida Quays, at an
exciting scene of a recent duel between the terrorist organization --
Cobra, and our own courageous fighting men -- G.I. Joe. The villains'
latest schemes have been foiled, and we can once again rest safely
in our beds. At this very moment, Cobra Commander is being readied for transport to a
maximum security prison to await trial!" Hector announced.
The camera slowly panned away from him towards a noisey scene in the
background. Cobra Commander was hauled along by the no-nosense marine
-- Gung Ho, who exerted a mighty grip on the back of the snake's neck.
It caused him to squirm and fidget uncomfortably, gripping Gung
Ho's arm in an effort to get him to ease off. It was no use, he had the
strength of one hundred-thousand men -- or so it felt right now. Hector Ramirez
approached with his camera man -- Tom -- and they tried to stop Gung Ho
for a brief moment as he dragged the Commander to the awaiting WHALE at
the riverside.
"Nnngghhh.... Unhand me you great ape! Let go of me I sssay!" the
Commander hissed furiously.
Hector Ramirez leapt in front of the camera and blocked Gung Ho's way.
"Hector Ramirez, Twenty Questions. Might we have a moment of your time
Cobra Commander?"
The Commander noticed the camera which immediately captured his
interest. He attempted to stand tall and proud but met with
disappointment as a determined Gung Ho held him oppressively haunched
over. "Certainly...." he managed in reply, though Twenty Questions had
to walk alongside him as Gung Ho did not care to stop.
"Um... you appear to be on your way to incarceration in one of America's
highest security prisons -- indeed the world. Any comment to make?"
Hector asked holding the mic out to the silver face plate.
"Nothing can hold me! You think a few piddling hundred guards and 12
inch thick stone walls are going to keep me from returning to my
proper place--"
"Where, the sewer?" Gung Ho snapped. He clutched his ribs as he laughed
hard and loud and Tom zoomed in on his cajun grin.
"Sssilence! All you people out there in TV land, listen and hear
this... I will not deviate from my one purpossse of total conquessst of
the Earth! Nothing shall sssway me in my tasssk!" The Commander stood
upright, freed from Gung Ho's grasp at last as the G.I. Joe decided to
let him have his brief moment of fame. "You can expect a tax free world
under Cobra! The elimation of poverty and famine! The promissse of
strong centralized government! The world needs leadership. Cobra
ssshall provide thisss. What more could any hard working American
want?!" the Commander screamed, urged on by the sound of his own voice.
Hector shook his head as Cobra Commander struck a one minute pose with his
arms wide apart to embrace the world. Gung Ho spun the Commander around, making it a 5 second pose instead, and continued dragging him across to the WHALE. There, Cutter and several other Joes impatiently waited. Cobra Commander did not offer quite as much
resistance as before. He was, by now, far too tired by his
previous meager efforts.
"Get your grubby handsss off me you sweaty, graffiti wearing primate!!!" yelled the Commander slapping Gung Ho's hands
aside as he tried to grasp him around the neck once again.
"Why you miserable. . . I could live with sweaty, but there's nothing
wrong with a tatoo! I'll panelbeat your stupid face for that!" Gung Ho
yelled, grabbing the Commander's tunic and raising his fist into the air
behind him
"No wait! I like tatoosss, really!" the Commander burbled desperately
and ran a gloved finger along Gung Ho's chest to point it out. "Uh. . .
what's more. . . I love cajun gumbo! Hmmmhmmm. Deliciousss."
Gung Ho looked at the Commander and his expression of intense anger
simmered away as his eyebrows returned to a peaceful level on his
forehead. "Ya do?"
"Uh... of courssse I do," the Commander stammered, "Our Cobra
intelligence filesss on you have always impressed me. . . and many is
the time that I have thought to myssself... I wish I could try sssome of
Gung Ho's fabled cajun gumbo!"
"Aw shucks. Well I ain't that good a cook ya know..." Gung Ho blushed
and lowered his threatening arm, releasing his grip on Cobra Commander
once more.
***
"We are inside the one of the largest G.I. Joe attack craft, the
WHALE. Air cushioned, the LCAC is a high-speed, over-the-beach fully
amphibious landing craft, capable of carrying a 60-75
ton payload. It is used to transport weapons systems, equipment, cargo
and personnel from ship to shore and across the beach. Today it carries
one man on a journey to the maximum security prison in Blackwater. We
are lucky to have been granted government support to conduct our
insightful interview with the Commander on this journey down river to
the prison," explained Hector as he turned with the camera to the
Commander who sat on a seat with them in the corner of the personnel
compartment.
Cutter was observing them from the back of the compartment near the
topside hatch. "You may be granted government clearing on this Ramirez,
but remember, this prisoner is considered to be the world's most
dangerous man. However unlikely that is, you are advised not to get
close to him, or to deviate from the interview questions," Cutter
explained before returning to his pilot's position. He left Hector and
Tom with Gung Ho and Cross Country to keep the Commander on his best
behaviour.
Hector sat on a seat pulled up nearby the Commander and tested the
microphone as Tom set down on his knees and positioned the camera on the
villain. "Commander, you're the man with his face on the moon. How
does that feel?"
"How do you think it feelsss to have your very visage carved onto the
moon's very sssurface. Able to gaze down from the heavensss upon the
citizensss of the world every night. Hah! It's better than being on
Mount Rushmore, I'll tell you that!" the Commander cried.
"And in your own lifetime too," Hector added with disinterest. "Cobra
Commander. Is that how we must know you? What of the man behind the
mask?"
"My real identity hasss to remain a sssacred sssecret. It's part of
where my huge fan bassse derivesss from," he explained in his throaty
calm. Cobra Commander sat back and crossed his legs, resting his hands
comfortably on his knees.
Ramirez nodded but it was more diplomatic than from a real satisfaction
with the answer. "Nonetheless, thousands of viewers out there want to
know. There have been rumors circulating that you are a snake, a
martian, a closet--"
"--Ahem. I haven't heard thossse before. Who would possibly think I am
a sssnake? I walk on two legsss don't I? I enjoy playing chesss. I
doubt any sssnake can do that!" the Commander hissed with a high ring of
sarcasm to his voice.
Ramirez shurgged, "Well there is the fact Cobra and it's military
units--"
"---security force," the Commander interrupted.
"I stand corrected... Cobra's security forces are all named after some
reptillian, usually of the snake genus," Hector finished and held the
mike back to the Commander's face plate.
"One of the mossst important thingsss you have to underssstand about
running a terrorissst orgnaization is that it needs to essstablish a
clear identity. I could hardly call my organization, Llama. We have to
ssstrike fear and ressspect into enemiesss and it isss for that reassson
that the cunning and fearsome sssnake bessst sssymbolizesss Cobra," the
Commander informed him like a school master.
"Yes.... But your speech too? Is that part of the act? Or is it simply
an annoying impediment we must sadly endure for the duration of this
interview?" Hector put forward daringly. He held the mike out nervously
as he saw the black-gloved fists tense.
"I bet there are a lot of people who think my voice sssounds better than
yoursss!" the Commander spat back.
"Oh it definitely does sound cool. But you can see where that rumor
would come from obviously. Alright, just for the record. You are
human, yes or no?"
"The question is sssubjective, but yesss, I am -- a man," the Commander
said, with a pause, "Which is more. . . than I may say for yourssself."
Hector shifted uncomfortably in his chair and huffed in annoyance. "I
see. So your being sent forth from a race of prehistoric beings in the
Himalayas, in order to conquer mankind... was simply a rumor?"
"Why yesss. A rather good one though. One that I whole-heartedly
endorsssed and assisted in creating," the Commander spoke cheerfully.
"You mean to say that you made that up? I'm afraid I don't believe
you," said Ramirez with a smile. "What about the B.E.T., and those
giant bug corpses scattered around the military base? You can't explain
that possibly?" asked Hector excitedly and he leant forward with the
microphone.
"Very well. I've been looking forward to revealing thisss you know. Of
course I'll be able to sssavor it so much more knowing that the public
will hear this around the same time as the G.I. Joe team," the Commander
began with relish.
The camera zoomed from Hector's face, to Cross Country and Gung Ho who
leaned closer to hear this revelation. Finally it zoomed in on Cobra
Commander's glinting battle helmet.
"It was a ssslow night at the Terror Drome. Destro was mumbling about a
shortage of ssscotch, while the Baronesss was content to simply moon
over him. I was giving myself a little target practise when the idea
hit me all of a sssudden. Dr. Mindbender had mumbled something about
the number of ssstrange temples around the world with the snake decor
and architecture. I hadn't thought too hard about it before, but all of
a sssudden it ssseemed like a marvelous idea. To create a backhistory
for Cobra, and trick the Joes into playing our game! Mindbender was
ssstill new at the time, but he was bald and posessed a strong germanic
accent, so he showed a great deal of promissse.
"I got him to recruit a struggling ssscreenwriter -- Ron Friedman, and
we ironed out the idea the following week over some hot coffee in the
dining room. It was a brilliant idea and I'd be able to sit on the
sidelinesss and watch it unfold over the course of a year. Ron came up
with the idea for a Cobra emperor, who we jokingly named Serpentor. We
filled in Destro and the Baroness after we were sure they would go along
with the plan and shortly we staged the whole hoax of Serpentor's
creation. He was really only a hi-grade sssynthoid composed of Zartan's
pseudo-plasm. Though spirited, he still followed his instructions. We
all acted out our part in front of the troops to convince them I was
being deposed, and Serpentor followed his instructions to the letter--"
"Wait a cotton-pickin minute snake-breath!" Gung Ho interrupted, "You're
saying Serpentor was some kind of hoax?!"
Cobra Commander nodded eagerly and to all in the room even his mask
couldn't hide his beaming grin. "It was tremendousss fun. I got to
step back from the main scene and sssupervise the creation of the
Cobra's greatest myth. Mindbender and I spent nearly a full year
working with Zartan to manufacutre a horde of sssynthoids based on Ron's
idea. We had intended to release our plot against the world in 1986,
but we were set back due to problems with Transformers and my little
pony wasn't feeling well either. Why else do you think Zartan had to
let his sssister help him out on all those missions in the past year?
Because he was busy laboring away with Mindbender, that's why!
"Hawk and Joe intelligence were getting suspicious of our activities in
the Himalayas, so I created a decoy to divert attention." The Commander
pointed a finger at the country boy, "Cross-Country, how quaint that you
should be here today. You were the one that took the bait! Don't you
remember?"
Cross-Country's mouth dropped as the others turned to look at him and
Tom zoomed the camera in to get a closeup of the Joe's fillings.
"What? You mean that's what 'the Coil' was all about?"
"Yesss!" Cobra Commander clapped excitedly, "Destro and the Baroness
practically begged to be a part of the decoy, and we absently forgot
about the continuity of keeping their loyalties with Serpentor. But you
witless Joes didn't even get sssuspicious!"
"Wait, I'm still not convinced," Cross-Country began, "What about all
the stunts you pulled trying to get rid of Serpentor? Hiring assassins
and that giant creature you awoke!"
"Ah, well I had to keep up the pretenssse that I was preoccupied with
Serpentor, just like the Coil. I had to ensure G.I. Joe would stand
idle while we finished preparations for my massster plan. Don't you
sssee? The Destro's pet monster gag. It was killed when his silly
mansion was destroyed, but we picked it up to give the monster more
credence. It was our first sssynthoid on a grand scale and the
prototype for the giant bugsss that Ron was so insistent that we
include. We didn't even let Serpentor in on it, so that we would ensure
the most believable reaction from him. Unfortunately he had begun
deteriorating and lacked any originality by this point. I kept
pessstering Dr. Mindbender to expand his vocabulary, but the good doctor
never got round to it." The Commander paused to allow for responses
before he finished his tale.
Cross-Country sighed 'woah!' and Gung Ho shook his head angrily. "I
hope I'm not going to be upset at the end of this."
Cobra Commander took a deep breath, "We finally had it all set up to be
played out, just like Ron's script. Our sssynthoid, Pythona,
infiltrated the Terror Drome during the carefully scripted argument that
I was holding in the throne room with Serpentor. I deliberately ensured
Pythona would meet little resistance in reaching Serpentor and be able
to play out her part like we intended. Everything worked out perfectly,
right down to the lassst detail. Even the Joesss played their parts
just as we had hoped. Only, we expected Duke to be killed. Not go into
a coma and pull through at the end."
"So that was why it was so lame," Ramirez muttered to the camera with a
nod.
"No way! I mean it, there's no way this could be true! Tell him Gung
Ho!" Cross-Country said hysterically.
"Sssorry hillbilly, but it's the truth. I played you, and the Joes for
the intellectual midgets you are. And I loved every moment of it!" the
Commander yelled and broke into a maniacal laugh.
Cross-Country raised a spanner in his hand and loomed over the laughing
villain. "You can't have done it. Why would you let them turn you into
a snake. Why put yourself through that humiliation?!"
Cobra Commander shook his head and tried to answer between his laughs,
"It was all in the ssscript -- everybody was in on it. It was how we
authenticated Cobra La and Serpentor. Ron said it would be out of
character, besides, I think my sssynthoid acted rather well."
"What about the spores?" Cross-Country's face was turning red and his
fingers flexed on the spanner in his hand.
"Creations of Mindbenders. They were in his resume and the reason I
hired him. We held off an entire year on using them, just long enough
for usss to grow enough to meet the requirements," the Commander
cackled.
"Relax, I think it's good to know the whole thing was hooey. A lot of people are gonna be happy," explained Gung Ho. But country boy wasn't interested.
Cross-Country felt a tear run down his eye. "I'm gonna indent that face
plate of yours you bast--"
"--No! Wait. Didn't I tell you? I love country music! Beverly
Hillbillies is my favorite show and I love Shania and Dolly!" yelled the
Commander urgently raising his hands to keep Cross-Country at bay.
"You do? Ah jeez, she is a looker ain't she. And she's got great--"
***
In the Twenty Questions studio, Hector turned to the camera. "So there
you have it folks. From Cobra Commander himself. The truth about what
happened with the Cobra La fiasco last year. Perhaps the greatest hoax
of the century and pulled by the man who has his visage carved on the
moon. Stay watching for the second half of the interview after these
very important messages from our sponsor."
Hector turned away from the camera as the director cut to commercials.
The camera man gave Hector the thumbs up, in relay from the director
sitting in a windowed booth, just out of sight of the newsdesk. Hector
smiled and tweaked the ends of his moustache cooly. "How are we
rating? Anyone have the figures yet?"
Suzy, the production assistant called across to him, "We've got a
twenty-percent share of the ratings so far. We're a hit!"
"I'm a hit," Hector muttered quietly with a smarmy grin at her slender
legs.
"They just love Cobra Commander. They can't get enough of him. There's
been talk that Cool Trash magazine and others are trying to secure
similar interviews with the King Cobra. So we're lucky we got in
first!" Suzy shouted with excitement as other crew members began
mumbling.
"Um.. Suzy. I got in first. Not we. I'm the anchor-man
here," Hector reminded her.
Suzy stuck her tongue out at him and walked off. He fiddled with his
tie and smirked triumphantly to himself. "She wants me."
By Rod Hannah
"Good evening. I'm Hector Ramirez, and this is Twenty Questions," the
clean-cut and notably moustached reporter introduced himself. He sat at
his news desk with a look on his face which barely hid a nervous
intensity. "On tonight's program we have a shocking newstory which
attempts to answer the thousands of questions we get sent from viewers
each month. Just who is Cobra Commander?"
Hector gave a plastic smile, "Yes, that and many other questions were finally addressed when I and
the Twenty Question news team accompanied the recently captured
terrorist leader as he was transported to Blackwater Prison by members
of America's daring G.I. Joe team."
***
"I'm standing here near the swampy backwater of the Florida Quays, at an
exciting scene of a recent duel between the terrorist organization --
Cobra, and our own courageous fighting men -- G.I. Joe. The villains'
latest schemes have been foiled, and we can once again rest safely
in our beds. At this very moment, Cobra Commander is being readied for transport to a
maximum security prison to await trial!" Hector announced.
The camera slowly panned away from him towards a noisey scene in the
background. Cobra Commander was hauled along by the no-nosense marine
-- Gung Ho, who exerted a mighty grip on the back of the snake's neck.
It caused him to squirm and fidget uncomfortably, gripping Gung
Ho's arm in an effort to get him to ease off. It was no use, he had the
strength of one hundred-thousand men -- or so it felt right now. Hector Ramirez
approached with his camera man -- Tom -- and they tried to stop Gung Ho
for a brief moment as he dragged the Commander to the awaiting WHALE at
the riverside.
"Nnngghhh.... Unhand me you great ape! Let go of me I sssay!" the
Commander hissed furiously.
Hector Ramirez leapt in front of the camera and blocked Gung Ho's way.
"Hector Ramirez, Twenty Questions. Might we have a moment of your time
Cobra Commander?"
The Commander noticed the camera which immediately captured his
interest. He attempted to stand tall and proud but met with
disappointment as a determined Gung Ho held him oppressively haunched
over. "Certainly...." he managed in reply, though Twenty Questions had
to walk alongside him as Gung Ho did not care to stop.
"Um... you appear to be on your way to incarceration in one of America's
highest security prisons -- indeed the world. Any comment to make?"
Hector asked holding the mic out to the silver face plate.
"Nothing can hold me! You think a few piddling hundred guards and 12
inch thick stone walls are going to keep me from returning to my
proper place--"
"Where, the sewer?" Gung Ho snapped. He clutched his ribs as he laughed
hard and loud and Tom zoomed in on his cajun grin.
"Sssilence! All you people out there in TV land, listen and hear
this... I will not deviate from my one purpossse of total conquessst of
the Earth! Nothing shall sssway me in my tasssk!" The Commander stood
upright, freed from Gung Ho's grasp at last as the G.I. Joe decided to
let him have his brief moment of fame. "You can expect a tax free world
under Cobra! The elimation of poverty and famine! The promissse of
strong centralized government! The world needs leadership. Cobra
ssshall provide thisss. What more could any hard working American
want?!" the Commander screamed, urged on by the sound of his own voice.
Hector shook his head as Cobra Commander struck a one minute pose with his
arms wide apart to embrace the world. Gung Ho spun the Commander around, making it a 5 second pose instead, and continued dragging him across to the WHALE. There, Cutter and several other Joes impatiently waited. Cobra Commander did not offer quite as much
resistance as before. He was, by now, far too tired by his
previous meager efforts.
"Get your grubby handsss off me you sweaty, graffiti wearing primate!!!" yelled the Commander slapping Gung Ho's hands
aside as he tried to grasp him around the neck once again.
"Why you miserable. . . I could live with sweaty, but there's nothing
wrong with a tatoo! I'll panelbeat your stupid face for that!" Gung Ho
yelled, grabbing the Commander's tunic and raising his fist into the air
behind him
"No wait! I like tatoosss, really!" the Commander burbled desperately
and ran a gloved finger along Gung Ho's chest to point it out. "Uh. . .
what's more. . . I love cajun gumbo! Hmmmhmmm. Deliciousss."
Gung Ho looked at the Commander and his expression of intense anger
simmered away as his eyebrows returned to a peaceful level on his
forehead. "Ya do?"
"Uh... of courssse I do," the Commander stammered, "Our Cobra
intelligence filesss on you have always impressed me. . . and many is
the time that I have thought to myssself... I wish I could try sssome of
Gung Ho's fabled cajun gumbo!"
"Aw shucks. Well I ain't that good a cook ya know..." Gung Ho blushed
and lowered his threatening arm, releasing his grip on Cobra Commander
once more.
***
"We are inside the one of the largest G.I. Joe attack craft, the
WHALE. Air cushioned, the LCAC is a high-speed, over-the-beach fully
amphibious landing craft, capable of carrying a 60-75
ton payload. It is used to transport weapons systems, equipment, cargo
and personnel from ship to shore and across the beach. Today it carries
one man on a journey to the maximum security prison in Blackwater. We
are lucky to have been granted government support to conduct our
insightful interview with the Commander on this journey down river to
the prison," explained Hector as he turned with the camera to the
Commander who sat on a seat with them in the corner of the personnel
compartment.
Cutter was observing them from the back of the compartment near the
topside hatch. "You may be granted government clearing on this Ramirez,
but remember, this prisoner is considered to be the world's most
dangerous man. However unlikely that is, you are advised not to get
close to him, or to deviate from the interview questions," Cutter
explained before returning to his pilot's position. He left Hector and
Tom with Gung Ho and Cross Country to keep the Commander on his best
behaviour.
Hector sat on a seat pulled up nearby the Commander and tested the
microphone as Tom set down on his knees and positioned the camera on the
villain. "Commander, you're the man with his face on the moon. How
does that feel?"
"How do you think it feelsss to have your very visage carved onto the
moon's very sssurface. Able to gaze down from the heavensss upon the
citizensss of the world every night. Hah! It's better than being on
Mount Rushmore, I'll tell you that!" the Commander cried.
"And in your own lifetime too," Hector added with disinterest. "Cobra
Commander. Is that how we must know you? What of the man behind the
mask?"
"My real identity hasss to remain a sssacred sssecret. It's part of
where my huge fan bassse derivesss from," he explained in his throaty
calm. Cobra Commander sat back and crossed his legs, resting his hands
comfortably on his knees.
Ramirez nodded but it was more diplomatic than from a real satisfaction
with the answer. "Nonetheless, thousands of viewers out there want to
know. There have been rumors circulating that you are a snake, a
martian, a closet--"
"--Ahem. I haven't heard thossse before. Who would possibly think I am
a sssnake? I walk on two legsss don't I? I enjoy playing chesss. I
doubt any sssnake can do that!" the Commander hissed with a high ring of
sarcasm to his voice.
Ramirez shurgged, "Well there is the fact Cobra and it's military
units--"
"---security force," the Commander interrupted.
"I stand corrected... Cobra's security forces are all named after some
reptillian, usually of the snake genus," Hector finished and held the
mike back to the Commander's face plate.
"One of the mossst important thingsss you have to underssstand about
running a terrorissst orgnaization is that it needs to essstablish a
clear identity. I could hardly call my organization, Llama. We have to
ssstrike fear and ressspect into enemiesss and it isss for that reassson
that the cunning and fearsome sssnake bessst sssymbolizesss Cobra," the
Commander informed him like a school master.
"Yes.... But your speech too? Is that part of the act? Or is it simply
an annoying impediment we must sadly endure for the duration of this
interview?" Hector put forward daringly. He held the mike out nervously
as he saw the black-gloved fists tense.
"I bet there are a lot of people who think my voice sssounds better than
yoursss!" the Commander spat back.
"Oh it definitely does sound cool. But you can see where that rumor
would come from obviously. Alright, just for the record. You are
human, yes or no?"
"The question is sssubjective, but yesss, I am -- a man," the Commander
said, with a pause, "Which is more. . . than I may say for yourssself."
Hector shifted uncomfortably in his chair and huffed in annoyance. "I
see. So your being sent forth from a race of prehistoric beings in the
Himalayas, in order to conquer mankind... was simply a rumor?"
"Why yesss. A rather good one though. One that I whole-heartedly
endorsssed and assisted in creating," the Commander spoke cheerfully.
"You mean to say that you made that up? I'm afraid I don't believe
you," said Ramirez with a smile. "What about the B.E.T., and those
giant bug corpses scattered around the military base? You can't explain
that possibly?" asked Hector excitedly and he leant forward with the
microphone.
"Very well. I've been looking forward to revealing thisss you know. Of
course I'll be able to sssavor it so much more knowing that the public
will hear this around the same time as the G.I. Joe team," the Commander
began with relish.
The camera zoomed from Hector's face, to Cross Country and Gung Ho who
leaned closer to hear this revelation. Finally it zoomed in on Cobra
Commander's glinting battle helmet.
"It was a ssslow night at the Terror Drome. Destro was mumbling about a
shortage of ssscotch, while the Baronesss was content to simply moon
over him. I was giving myself a little target practise when the idea
hit me all of a sssudden. Dr. Mindbender had mumbled something about
the number of ssstrange temples around the world with the snake decor
and architecture. I hadn't thought too hard about it before, but all of
a sssudden it ssseemed like a marvelous idea. To create a backhistory
for Cobra, and trick the Joes into playing our game! Mindbender was
ssstill new at the time, but he was bald and posessed a strong germanic
accent, so he showed a great deal of promissse.
"I got him to recruit a struggling ssscreenwriter -- Ron Friedman, and
we ironed out the idea the following week over some hot coffee in the
dining room. It was a brilliant idea and I'd be able to sit on the
sidelinesss and watch it unfold over the course of a year. Ron came up
with the idea for a Cobra emperor, who we jokingly named Serpentor. We
filled in Destro and the Baroness after we were sure they would go along
with the plan and shortly we staged the whole hoax of Serpentor's
creation. He was really only a hi-grade sssynthoid composed of Zartan's
pseudo-plasm. Though spirited, he still followed his instructions. We
all acted out our part in front of the troops to convince them I was
being deposed, and Serpentor followed his instructions to the letter--"
"Wait a cotton-pickin minute snake-breath!" Gung Ho interrupted, "You're
saying Serpentor was some kind of hoax?!"
Cobra Commander nodded eagerly and to all in the room even his mask
couldn't hide his beaming grin. "It was tremendousss fun. I got to
step back from the main scene and sssupervise the creation of the
Cobra's greatest myth. Mindbender and I spent nearly a full year
working with Zartan to manufacutre a horde of sssynthoids based on Ron's
idea. We had intended to release our plot against the world in 1986,
but we were set back due to problems with Transformers and my little
pony wasn't feeling well either. Why else do you think Zartan had to
let his sssister help him out on all those missions in the past year?
Because he was busy laboring away with Mindbender, that's why!
"Hawk and Joe intelligence were getting suspicious of our activities in
the Himalayas, so I created a decoy to divert attention." The Commander
pointed a finger at the country boy, "Cross-Country, how quaint that you
should be here today. You were the one that took the bait! Don't you
remember?"
Cross-Country's mouth dropped as the others turned to look at him and
Tom zoomed the camera in to get a closeup of the Joe's fillings.
"What? You mean that's what 'the Coil' was all about?"
"Yesss!" Cobra Commander clapped excitedly, "Destro and the Baroness
practically begged to be a part of the decoy, and we absently forgot
about the continuity of keeping their loyalties with Serpentor. But you
witless Joes didn't even get sssuspicious!"
"Wait, I'm still not convinced," Cross-Country began, "What about all
the stunts you pulled trying to get rid of Serpentor? Hiring assassins
and that giant creature you awoke!"
"Ah, well I had to keep up the pretenssse that I was preoccupied with
Serpentor, just like the Coil. I had to ensure G.I. Joe would stand
idle while we finished preparations for my massster plan. Don't you
sssee? The Destro's pet monster gag. It was killed when his silly
mansion was destroyed, but we picked it up to give the monster more
credence. It was our first sssynthoid on a grand scale and the
prototype for the giant bugsss that Ron was so insistent that we
include. We didn't even let Serpentor in on it, so that we would ensure
the most believable reaction from him. Unfortunately he had begun
deteriorating and lacked any originality by this point. I kept
pessstering Dr. Mindbender to expand his vocabulary, but the good doctor
never got round to it." The Commander paused to allow for responses
before he finished his tale.
Cross-Country sighed 'woah!' and Gung Ho shook his head angrily. "I
hope I'm not going to be upset at the end of this."
Cobra Commander took a deep breath, "We finally had it all set up to be
played out, just like Ron's script. Our sssynthoid, Pythona,
infiltrated the Terror Drome during the carefully scripted argument that
I was holding in the throne room with Serpentor. I deliberately ensured
Pythona would meet little resistance in reaching Serpentor and be able
to play out her part like we intended. Everything worked out perfectly,
right down to the lassst detail. Even the Joesss played their parts
just as we had hoped. Only, we expected Duke to be killed. Not go into
a coma and pull through at the end."
"So that was why it was so lame," Ramirez muttered to the camera with a
nod.
"No way! I mean it, there's no way this could be true! Tell him Gung
Ho!" Cross-Country said hysterically.
"Sssorry hillbilly, but it's the truth. I played you, and the Joes for
the intellectual midgets you are. And I loved every moment of it!" the
Commander yelled and broke into a maniacal laugh.
Cross-Country raised a spanner in his hand and loomed over the laughing
villain. "You can't have done it. Why would you let them turn you into
a snake. Why put yourself through that humiliation?!"
Cobra Commander shook his head and tried to answer between his laughs,
"It was all in the ssscript -- everybody was in on it. It was how we
authenticated Cobra La and Serpentor. Ron said it would be out of
character, besides, I think my sssynthoid acted rather well."
"What about the spores?" Cross-Country's face was turning red and his
fingers flexed on the spanner in his hand.
"Creations of Mindbenders. They were in his resume and the reason I
hired him. We held off an entire year on using them, just long enough
for usss to grow enough to meet the requirements," the Commander
cackled.
"Relax, I think it's good to know the whole thing was hooey. A lot of people are gonna be happy," explained Gung Ho. But country boy wasn't interested.
Cross-Country felt a tear run down his eye. "I'm gonna indent that face
plate of yours you bast--"
"--No! Wait. Didn't I tell you? I love country music! Beverly
Hillbillies is my favorite show and I love Shania and Dolly!" yelled the
Commander urgently raising his hands to keep Cross-Country at bay.
"You do? Ah jeez, she is a looker ain't she. And she's got great--"
***
In the Twenty Questions studio, Hector turned to the camera. "So there
you have it folks. From Cobra Commander himself. The truth about what
happened with the Cobra La fiasco last year. Perhaps the greatest hoax
of the century and pulled by the man who has his visage carved on the
moon. Stay watching for the second half of the interview after these
very important messages from our sponsor."
Hector turned away from the camera as the director cut to commercials.
The camera man gave Hector the thumbs up, in relay from the director
sitting in a windowed booth, just out of sight of the newsdesk. Hector
smiled and tweaked the ends of his moustache cooly. "How are we
rating? Anyone have the figures yet?"
Suzy, the production assistant called across to him, "We've got a
twenty-percent share of the ratings so far. We're a hit!"
"I'm a hit," Hector muttered quietly with a smarmy grin at her slender
legs.
"They just love Cobra Commander. They can't get enough of him. There's
been talk that Cool Trash magazine and others are trying to secure
similar interviews with the King Cobra. So we're lucky we got in
first!" Suzy shouted with excitement as other crew members began
mumbling.
"Um.. Suzy. I got in first. Not we. I'm the anchor-man
here," Hector reminded her.
Suzy stuck her tongue out at him and walked off. He fiddled with his
tie and smirked triumphantly to himself. "She wants me."