Harry and the Lolly

"Where the heck is my lolly?" Harry shuffles the clothes in his drawers and pushes the contents of his dresser onto the floor.

"I - NEED - TO - SUCK - SOMETHING - RIGHT- NOW!"

Luna pokes her head inside Harry's door.

"Well, hey-ya Harry! Missing something?"

"Hey Loony. I can't find my lolly."

"Can I help you with that, Harry?" says Luna as she nods suggestively at Harry.

"Well, sure!"

Harry struts across the room. Luna cocks her head with a shy smile. Harry's foot catches on the edge of the rug and he begins to fall. He reaches out for the bedpost but slips as he grabs the hat perched on top of it.

Suddenly, Harry's vision begins swirling in reds and blues.

THWUMP!

"Damn portkey! Where am I?" Harry looks around and realizes that he is at the Weasley's mangled shack.

"Harry! Good to see ya, m'boy!"

"Hi, Mr. Weasley. How did I -"

"Now, Harry. I have a very important question to ask you. You are the closest I can get to a Muggle because I simply can't contain my love for them without being arrested in the street. Confusing people, really...

Mr. Weasley becomes lost in his own thoughts...

"Uh...Mr. Weasley...?"

No answer.

"Yo, bitch!" called Harry.

"Oh, right...right. Harry, might I ask you... What is the purpose of a bar of soap?"

"Well, it is for washing."

"Oh, for dishes."

"Well, no."

"For your teeth then."

"No-no, it's for your body."

" 'Bod - eee' ?"

"Yes...you know. Under your clothes?"

"Well, how can you wash UNDER your clothes?"

"Uh, you take them off?"

"INGENIOUS! I tell you, those Muggles really are something."

"Look...I accidentally touched a hat and..."

" - Harry. Might you show me how to wash your 'bod-eee' with the soap?"

"Um, what did you just say?"

"Show me your NAKED BODY!"

"Mr. Weasley! I never...I...what the heck is going on!" Harry slowly backed away from Mr. Weasley.

"Come here, Harry. I want to use the soooaaappp." Just then, Mr. Weasley transfigures into Bellatrix Lestrange. "Come here, Potter. You need a cleanin'! I'll give you a lolly!"

Harry stumbles backwards, falling into the kitchen table and onto the floor. Bellatrix raises her wand. Harry shifts to reach his wand from his back pocket, but his hand lands in a pile of Errol's poop.

Again, Harry's body is sucked and flown about in a sea of blue and red.

THWUMP!

"Seriously. Poop as a portkey? Who thinks these things up..." Looking around, Harry realizes he is back at Hogwarts and is mysteriously in the girls' dormitory. He peeks into the closest room and sees Hermione pacing back and forth.

Seeing Harry, Hermione darts towards him. "Harry! I need your help."

"Look, I was just here and then I..."

"No, listen. I'm more important. Okay. Listen to me. Are you listening? Listen. I really liked Ron. I mean REALLY liked. Then Victor came along and I sort of got swept up with him. Touching. Feeling. Kissing - you know. But then I thought of Ron and that pouty little face with his firey hair and then I fell love with him. Just when I think I had it figured out, I suddenly can't stop thinking about Ginny."

"Uh...what..."

"Look. Are you looking? I've mapped it out through a 238 page essay and considered every possible scenario. The only solution there is for all of Hogwarts to have an open sexual relationship. I think it's quite clever actually."

"Okay, look. Did you eat something funny because - "

"HARRY! Aren't you listening? I - WANT - SEX - NOW!"

"Hermione, seriously. Are you smoking dragon scales because - "

"TAKE ME!" Hermione screams as she lunges toward Harry. Harry side-steps her and she flies head first into a bookshelf that promptly falls on top of her.

"Thank God. Ginny is MINE."

Thinking Hermione might have some lollies, Harry rummages through her drawers. Finding nothing, he moves to her armoire. Opening both doors together, Harry is shocked to see a shrine for Voldemort.

Horrified and disgusted, Harry tries to run from the room to tell Dumbledore. When he reaches the doorway, Harry is thrown back. An invisible shield blocks him from exiting the room.

"What type of magic is this?" Harry wonders. No spell he knew would penetrate the shield. After several hours of action, thought, and confusion, Harry notices two buttons beside the door. One was red. One was green. They looked very much like traffic light signals in the Muggle world.

The red light was lit.

"Oh come on, Harry! How easy is that?" thought Harry, as he approached the green button.

Harry moved to press the green light on, but as soon as he touched it, his body began tossing and turning in a sea of blue, red, and now green as well.

THWUMP!

Harry slams chest down into wet grass on a dark hill.

"I swear, if I find whoever has this insane fetish for portkey's, I am so gonna..."

"Har...Harry. Harry...over...here" called a strained voice to Harry's left.

"Cedric. What are you doing here? Actually...where IS here?" Harry questioned. The whole scene felt oddly familiar.

"I'm so hot, Harry", said Cedric who was lying on the ground.

"Yeah, it is muggy out here."

"No. I mean I'm gorgeous. Stunning. Ravishing."

"Uh...okay...and?"

"I can't decide how to die. Eyes open or closed? Relaxed or puckered lips? Should I be shocked or silently haunting in my dead beauty?"

"What? Dude, no one is dying. Look, I just was -"

"Here he comes, Harry. Remember, take me back with you. Hey, can I get a kiss before I die?"

"Uh...Who is "he" and how do we get back?"

"The Triwizard Cup Harry. It's a portkey. It's on that hill, over there."

"Oh really..."

"Accio cup!" yells Harry and the he Triwizard cup flies toward him.

"Take me with you Harry! After I die..."

"Screw that!" Harry screams as he grabs the flying Triwizard Cup.

Nothing happens.

"This isn't a portkey, you idiot!" Harry yells at Cedric.

"I know. I lied. My lips are the portkey. Kiss me Harry. Save us both and kiss me" coos Cedric.

What do I do! What do I do? thinks Harry. He could see several shapes appearing on the horizon. They were moving quickly towards them.

"Kiss me. Kiss me."

"Dear God, is there no other way? Do you at least have a lolly...?" Harry's eyes fly back and forth between Cedric and the nearing shapes.

"Okay...I...I can do it." Harry moves closer to Cedric. Puckers his lips. Bends forward...and...

BOOM!

Harry is hit in the chest by a stunning spell and flies onto the grass on his back.

"He is mine, Harry Potter. MINE."

Propping himself up on his elbows, Harry strains to see who is lurking in the dark, through his broken glasses.

"You think it is always about you, Potter. But it's not. Some of us do have lives outside of YOURS!"

The voice seemed familiar. It wasn't Voldemort...

"Did you miss me Cedric? It's been almost twelve hours since our last meeting. Have you missed me?"

"Oh...your greasy black hair...your crooked nose...how could I NOT have missed you?"

"...Snape?" Harry asked incredulously.

"Sod off, Potter!" sneered Snape, who then throws a pink piglet at Harry.

"Oooiiinnnkkki!" cries the pig as it flies towards Harry. Having a debilitating fear of pigs and the colour pink, Harry tries to duck the pig toss, but is unavoidably hit and thus transported again by means of portkey.

"Bloody hell! Where am I going noooooowwwww?" screams Harry, as he and the pink pig spin into oblivion.

"Mmmm...what is that smell?"

THWUMP!

Harry and the piglet thump into the floor of Honeydukes sweet shop. Before Harry could react, the pig ran squealing away and straight into a ceiling high display of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. Hogwarts students squealed as the beans erupted all over them.

Harry's gaze was drawn away from the pig fiasco and he began to physically drool as he slowly approached it the lollies. Red. On a stick. The Blood Lollipop. Harry reached for it with an unbridled hunger. Just as was about to grab the stick, his eyes fell on the price.

Two galleons.

Harry fumbled in his pants pockets. NO MONEY!

"I deserve this. Stupid portkeys. I deserve a lolly..."

"Harry!" squealed Hermione. "Harry! Over here!"

Hermione prances over to Harry with Ron in tow.

"Uh...um...hey" says Harry nervously. "How are you guys?"

"We're good. Though Hermione is lucky to be alive, really," says Ron. "Someone pushed a bookcase on her." Hermione points to the bruises on her forehead.

"Woah." commented Harry.

"Someone was trying to steal my groundbreaking work on relationships at Hogwarts," explains Hermione.

Harry shuffles his feet. "Sounds interesting. Okay, so I'm going to be heading back."

"We'll join you! I want to explain my idea to you," says Hermione. "Let's go Ron!"

Harry, expecting Hermione to chatter on about having Hogwarts as an open community sexually, was surprised when she talked on about tutoring and mentorship programs for entering students, so as to better help them achieve academic success.

Back in his room, Harry slumps in his bead, tired and defeated. "I just wanted a lolly. All that chaos and not even a lolly to show for it." Exhausted, Harry falls asleep on his bed, still clothed.

A noise awakens Harry, in the middle of the night. He strains to make out the source of the noise.

There, by the window, something was sparkling. Sitting up on his bed, Harry could see a tin can glistening in the moonlight, and something was in it.

"What is that?" wonders Harry aloud. He tip-toes across the room towards the tin can.

"Lollies!" exclaimed Harry. The can was filled with lollipops.

"There's a note..."

Thought you still might be looking for these. - Luna

"Sweet! I finally have a lolly." Harry reaches eagerly for a lollipop.

His fingers no more than touch the lollipop before Harry is spinning out of control yet again. "Bloooooddddyyyyy heeeellllll!" he screams.

THWUMP!

Harry lands on his side in a brightly lit room. Straining to see in the light, he sees several figures. All female.

"Welcome Harry." coos Luna. "We've been waiting for you!"

"What?...Why am I here? What's going on?" questions Harry.

"Did you like your trip today Harry?" coos Hermione as she waves a lollipop in front of Harry's face. "Are you ready to finally get a lolli-popped?"

"I just wanted a lolly! That's all I wanted!"

"We're going to give it to you Harry." sings Ginny. "We're going to give you everything. Hermione's idea is going have everyone lolli-popped this semester."

Harry shuffles back towards the door, in a state of unbelief. The girls pounce on top of Harry and everything goes black.

Harry wakes up in his bed. His sheets have been thrashed around and his hands, face, and chest are sticky. "Ugh...what happened last night?"

"I'm glad your awake mate. I thought I was going to have to get a professor. You weren't in a right state of mind. Screaming about lollies. You've smeared and melted the thing all over yourself."

Harry looked down at his clothes. It looked like someone had thrown a punch bowl of juice at him.

"It was just a dream then? No portkeys? No bars of soap? No kissing?"

"Are you all right Harry...?" Ron said as he looked incredulously at Harry.

"Yeah yeah, it's fine. Sorry." says Harry.

"By the way, I stopped and got you a lolly yesterday. Just cause you said you were out. It's on the dresser. See you at breakfast?" questioned Ron.

"Yeah, I'll be down in a minute."

Harry quickly got out of his sticky clothes, showered, and got ready for breakfast. As we reached into this drawer for a pair of socks. Harry's eyes lingered on the lolly Ron left for him .

It looks so good. Maybe I'll take it with me for a snack later. Harry thought.

He pulled on his sock, did up his shoes, and put on his cloak.

He strutted over to the dresser. Harry took a deep breath. He picked up the lolly.

Nothing happened.

"Whew." said Harry.

Harry closed his dresser drawer and as he was about to close the door, he noticed a tin can filled with lollipops. He could see, without touching, that they were from a variety of girls, namely Ginny, Hermione, and Luna. The note on the front read:

We heard you were looking for some lollies. Hope that these will help!

I shouldn't touch it, thought Harry. He started to walk away. He thought of all those lollipops.

What if someone takes them, he wondered. I could just put them inside the room.

Harry walks back, opens the door, and pushes the can with his foot. Before he realizes what is happening...

THWUMP!