Title: Two Drunken Jedi and a Long Story…
Author: BlueElli
Disclaimer: Course, I don't own any of Star Wars and I make no profit on this it's just for fun….and what fun!
Timeframe: Post Hunted, Pre-TDW by I think around 2 or 3 months. Obi-Wan is still 17.
Summary: A short mission gone upside down, throw in a rabid dogs, huge spiders, pink speeders, a bearded waitress, two drunken Jedi, a pregnant Captain, a jail cell…then some aspirin…What do you think it adds up to? Two drunken Jedi and a long story to tell…
Reviews: OF COURSE! PLEASE!
Note: As always no romance between any of my characters and the originals. Happy reading!
Two Drunken Jedi and a Long Story…
"Greetings Cpt. Stafferi, how are you doing?" Sergeant Phillan greeted happily. 5 month pregnant Jesiana Stafferi looked to him with a smile.
"I'm well Sergeant, thank you."
"Good, good. Come this way and I'll lead you through the cells. Here is the list of people we've booked since your last visit three days ago." The large scally Kriptic said handing her a file then motioning for her to follow at his side.
Jesi glanced through the list, she didn't recognize any of the names. Every three days an IGPG member was to come to certain law jails to look through and see if any of the fugitives on their wanted list were there. They had a list posted, yes, but often the fugitives changed their names easily and regularly. Jesi, being how she was taken off of the active field duty list for the next 10 months, was given this distastful task. No one liked it, and the person that received it found it more annoying than ever.
"See anyone on the list?" Phillan asked kindly.
"No…But you never know." She said closing the file, not seeing the second attachment to it.
"Always the way it goes." Phillan said sliding his access card into the slot to opened the cell block. Large forcefields were on each cell seperating the corridor from them. Jesi glanced up to the second level hearing uncontrolled laughing. She paused listening harder.
"Captain? Everything alright?" The officer asked stopping a few paces infront of her.
"Where is that coming from?" She asked not looking at him.
"Oh, that would be Cell F67, we picked up two drunks a bit earlier this evening on the west side."
Jesi looked at him. "Take me up there please."
"Sure." Phillan nodded and moved to the lift with her.
*******
Jesi nearly dropped the file in her hands as they came to the force field of cell F67. Caught in a fit of laughter were Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn. Setting her dropped jaw Jesi stepped closer studying the two that held their sides laughing so hard.
"Obi-Wan? Qui-Gon?" She asked hesitantly.
"You know these two?" Phillan asked.
"I thought I did. Jinn, snap out of it!" Jesi said louder over the laughing.
Qui-Gon paused, still chuckling, and wiped his eyes. "Hello Jesi! How are you? We're great thanks!"
Jesi opened the file again and looked over the list quickly again. On the back there was an attachment and this time she looked at it. Two John Does were picked up under the influence and causing a disturbance quite a ways from here.
"Let me inside." Jesi told Phillan.
"Yes, Ma'am." Phillan shut down the force field long enough for Jesi to step inside then powered it up again.
"You can leave us be and allow me the key card." Jesi said.
Phillan hesitated but then, with a little shrug, handed her the card through the item slot, turned and left.
The two Jedi were still laughing, for what reason Jesi didn't know. Growing impatient she made use of the file in her hands and swatted both of them with it in the back of their heads.
"Hello?!"
"Ow, Jesi, that wasn't nice." Obi-Wan said shaking his finger at her. Jesi glared.
"Oooo, I think someone's grumpy." Obi-Wan said and laughed a little.
"Tell us Jesi, to what do we owe this pleasure?" Qui-Gon said with a ridiculous grin on his face.
Jesi sighed, "How loaded did you get? And WHY?"
"Loaded? I wasn't aware we were ammunition." Qui-Gon stated seriously.
"Drunk! How drunk are you, how'd you get that way, and why?!" Jesi rephrased.
"Ummm…I think she's referring to the rabid dog and the woman with the beard Master." Obi-Wan told Jinn.
"No, probably the giant spider and the pink speeder."
"No, the rabid dog was first, THEN the pink speeder."
"No, no, rabid dog, giant spider, THEN the pink speeder."
"What about the bearded woman?"
"She was in the pink speeder, remember?"
"Oh, rriiiiigggghhhhhhttttt." Obi-Wan said realizing.
By now Jesi had covered her face with her hands and was pacing.
"Jesi, you seem stressed. You should try Master Yodi's calming mediation." Qui-Gon told her.
Obi-Wan let a peep of a giggle out. Qui-Gon looked at him.
"What?"
"You said Yodi! It's Master Yoda, not Yodi." Obi-Wan said bursting out laughing.
"I did no such thing Obi-Wan Kenobi. I know my own master's name…Unlike some people!"
"Hey! I said your name…It was just slurred. I said Master Qui-Gon, it just came out Masher Qei-Gin." Obi-Wan said laughing harder. Qui-Gon soon followed suit and again poor, dismayed Jesi had two laughing lunatics on her hands. With a whimper she shoved Qui-Gon's boots off the bunk he was half laying on and sat down.
"Ok, guys, I need you to think really hard and tell me what happened. Okay?" She said slowly, as though she were talking to a child.
"Ummm….K." Obi-Wan said from his position sitting against the back wall of the small cell only a few feet away.
"You start Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon said leaning against the wall behind the bunk dropping his feet over the side, identical to Jesi.
"Ok…Umm…Where to start, where to start…" He thought a moment.
"Beginning is usually best Padawan." Qui-Gon offered.
"Right! Umm…K, it goes like this Jes…Uhh…"
"What my exceptionally drunk padawan is trying to say is we were given a small assignment from the council to follow a sus-sos-susp-"
"Suspected?" Jesi suggested.
"Yes, that's it! What you said, spice lord. We were, but then when we followed him into a warehouse there were guard dogs…They were not the problem, the problem was-"
"That one of 'em was rabid!" Obi-Wan exaggerated.
"Right! So, knowing we couldn't
very well Force suggest him to sleep or anything cause
he was messed up, up here-" Qui-Gon pointed to his head. "..We kinda had to
run."
"Run like hell I believe were your exact words Master!" Obi-Wan said cheerfully
and burst into giggles again.
Jesi knocked her head on the wall behind her as the Master joined him again and within a few short moments they were again holding their sides. After a few minutes they calmed again and Obi-Wan started off.
"Anyway, after my master's opinionated orders, we 'ran like hell'. After a while of running around a warehourse in circles around boxes we found an under level tunnel entrance, like a sewer entrance. So, we dropped into it and at last, we were safe!"
"But, not for long." Qui-Gon added pointing at the ceiling for some reason. "For there was danger we didn't knowth abouted down there."
Jesi grimaced and again took up knocking her head against the wall behind her.
"Yep. We walked around down there for a while, then we heard something. It was like this scratch..Scratch…Scratch-"
"No, my young padawan, it was more like Swish, swish, swish…"
"Right, whatever Master. At any rate there was a noise and before we knew it this HUGE bone spider came around the next corner with his billions of eyes reflecting the light of my lightsaber."
"Where was Qui-Gon's lightsaber?" Jesi asked.
"It was snapped off my belt when the dog tried to eat me."
"When did the dog try to eat you?" Jesi asked nervously.
"In the warehouse. That's how we figured out there were guard dogs in there. Pay attention Jesi." Qui-Gon said looking lazily at her.
"Oh, my mistake. Continue with your fascinating tale." Jesi said and resumed knocking her head against the wall.
"Where was I?....Oh yes! Well anyway, he had huge fangs like this!" Obi-Wan put his hands at his mouth and wiggled his fingures around and made a hissing noise.
"How did that go again?" Jesi asked trying not to laugh.
"Like this-" Obi-Wan demonstrated again.
"Right, just had to get that clear." Jesi said continuing to knock her head against he wall.
"Well, suddenly he launched at us with his freaky fangs-" Qui-Gon continued for his apprentice.
"That looked like what?" Jesi questioned.
Obi-Wan AND Qui-Gon demonstrated this time.
"Right, go ahead." Jesi said with a smile. This was getting rather entertaining.
"But my well aware padawan there chopped off one of his legs, then another one."
"Yeah, I was like…. Wham! Wham!" Obi-Wan said swinging his hands around in explanation.
"Oooohhhh. Wham huh?"
"Yep, and wham." Obi-Wan nodded with a grin.
"Even though my good padawan scared off that one, the noise it was making-"
"It was like- Eeeeiiiiiiihhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Obi-Wan clarified.
"Like what?"
"Eeeeeeiiiiiiiihhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Obi-Wan repeated.
"Right, go on."
"Well, this noise brought on some of his even bigger friends. And lots of them. So, we took up running again."
"Ran like hell!" Obi-Wan input.
At this the two, again, collapsed in laughter and Jesi, again, began knocking her head against the wall. Once they simmered down they continued.
"Well anyway, we finally got back out of the tunnel by the opening in the level street. But when we came out, BOOM!"
"Boom!" Obi-Wan added again just for good measure.
"There was this pink speeder that nearly hit us. Luckily," Qui-Gon pointed upward again for no apparent reason. "the driver stopped. They got out and we realized it was a bearded woman!"
"She had a beard like Master does!" Obi-Wan said wide eyed. "I'd never seen such a thing on a human female before!"
"The bearded woman felt bad about nearly running us over so she offered us a ride to where ever we wanted. We had to get back to the spice lord so we got in and gave her directions."
"Though the woman will be in my nightmares for an eternity and scar me for life whenever I see a bearded person, which will be every day cause Master has one, she was actually rather nice." Obi-Wan said still wide eyed.
"She was really. At any rate, we never actually got to the spice lord's layer again cause she stopped at where she worked first and dragged us inside."
"It was a tavern?" Jesi asked.
"Hey yyyyeeeaaahhh it was. How'd you know?" Qui-Gon asked totally surprised.
Jesi shrugged. "Lucky guess?"
"Ooohhh. Anyway, she offered to buy us some drinks but we said no…Cept she wouldn't take no for an answer and soon we figured out that the drinks we ordered were spiked…" Obi-Wan said laughing again.
"Spiked is a cool word. Hey Master, can I change my name to Spike?"
"Absolutely Spike! I'll be Spock!" Qui-Gon said excitedly.
"Guys, back to the story. Why didn't you stop drinking when you figured out your drinks were spiked?"
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan became silent for a few moments then Obi-wan spoke up, "Because we found out when I tried to stand up and I fell over. We assumed, between laughing, that she spiked 'em."
"Oooohhhhh." Jesi said wanting to cry.
"After a few more of those lovely drinks we decided we should go home…But then when we got outside…We forgot were we lived!!" Qui-Gon said bursting into another fit of laughter with his young Padawan.
"So, to make it out in the end you kind of just wandered around until you were picked up by authorities huh?" Jesi assumed.
"I think that's how it went." Qui-Gon said in deep thought.
"That's right Master Spock."
"Thank you Padawan Spike!" This, again, caused them into laughing.
Jesi stood slowly, straightened her blouse then smacked them each on the top of their heads with the file again.
"OW!" They both shouted in turn.
"IDIOTS!" Jesi shouted back. She turned opening the force field with the key card and powered it again with the two looking at her in bewilderment.
"I don't think she was happy with our story." Obi-Wan said quietly.
"You know, I think you're right." Qui-Gon replied hushed.
They looked at eachother after a moment and collapsed into laughing again.
After a few minutes Jesi returned at the force field and they calmed as it was powered down again.
"I'm terribly sorry about all this." She was saying. "Things just got out of hand on a mission for them."
"We understand ma'am. We were wondering what this was." Phillan handed her Obi-Wan's lightsaber.
"Thank you." Jesi said with a smile taking it. "Up guys, gotta go home now."
"So soon? Dern.." Obi-Wan said standing wobbily.
Qui-Gon laughed again.
"What?"
"You said dern!"
Obi-Wan thought back…then started laughing again. With a sigh Jesi herded them out of the cell.
Jesi was able to get a ride with the two drunken Jedi back to the Jedi Temple with one of the officers at the temporary jail. It was a hell of a time getting the two up the steps to the main doors.
"What did they get into this time?" Chedric asked as he quickly opened the door.
"You don't even want to know." Jesi replied guiding an unsteady Qui-Gon Jinn through the door, then Obi-Wan, both in which were babbling about nothing in particular.
"Riiiiigggghhhhhttttt…" The door man said winking at her as she followed the two in after a breath.
"No Qui-Gon, don't touch tha-"
Shatter.
Chedric winced as the door closed completely.
*****
"Noooo…You're this way. See, Jinn/Kenobi." Jesi said steering Obi-Wan back to the other side of the corridor.
"Hey we should change it to Spike and Spock!" Obi-Wan exclaimed peering at the lettering.
"Good idea Padawan!" Qui-Gon nearly shouted.
"Shhhh! Keep it down." Jesi demanded as she felt through Qui-Gon's pockets.
"Honestly Jesi, I thought we were just friends." Qui-Gon said as she felt along the side of his belt. She jerked the key card off of his belt and glared at him. He grinned.
"You know I think it would be cool if you two were a thing!" Obi-Wan said wandering around in a circle.
"Thing?" Qui-Gon questioned in confusion. "What's a thing Jes?"
"Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, both of you shut up." Jesi ordered opening the door and pushing them both in. She paused taking a breath to calm her nerves and followed.
The door closed and she guided Qui-Gon to the couch, "Stay here, K?"
"K." He said, starting to look tired.
"Obi-Wan, come boy." Jesi said moving towards the padawan that was going for the kitchen.
"Eh?" He said turning around. He turned around too fast however and nearly lost his balance before Jesi caught him. Heaving a sigh she half guided, half dragged the Jedi into his room. They both collasped on the bed, Jesi being sure that he didn't land on her for her unborn childrens' and her own sakes.
Pulling her arm out from under him she crawled over the moaning apprentice, the alcohol was starting to wear off on both of them. Jesi pulled his boots off after undoing them and pulled the covers down from under him and put them over the near limp body. Jesi rolled him onto his back and put her hand on his chest a moment. Satisfied that he would suffocate himself and didn't have a heart murmur she ran a finger down his cheek and turned from the room closing the door.
Jesi sighed putting her hands on her hips looking at Qui-Gon. He was flopped over on the couch snoring lightly. Rolling her eyes she moved to the couch and put his feet up on the arm and pulled him by his shoulders closer to the head of it so his large frame wasn't so crumpled up. Unbuckling his boots and jerking down the zipper on them both she pulled them off and moved to the chair near her where a blanket was.
After placing the blanket over the sleeping Jedi she braced her arms against the back of the couch over him and blew a strand of hair out of her face.
"The things I do for you two." Jesi murmured shaking her hand. Pushing off the couch she laid Obi-Wan's saber on the dining table and quickly and quietly left the quarters.
**** Next Morning ****
Qui-Gon was absolutely certain that he no longer had anything whatsoever left in his stomach as he wiped the water from his eyes and flushing the toliet for the 4th time in less than 20 minutes. He wasn't quite sure what had gotten him to this position, all he knew of was waking up on the couch and having a very quick need to hit the fresher as his stomach revolted.
As soon as he walked out a quick flash of Obi-Wan Kenobi was all he saw before the door closed right behind him and heaving was suddenly heard again. Virus going around?
Jinn made his way back to the couch, nearly tripping over his boots at the foot of it and sat down again. His head pounded horribly and it seemed every single noise in the quarters was WAY too loud. Grunting, he stood and went into the kitchen. As he passed the table he looked at the saber laying on it. It was Obi-wan's most certainly.
Suddenly everything from the night before came back to Qui-Gon and he groaned. And when everything came back, that meant Everything, including any particular comments… Jinn groaned again and made for the cabinets.
*** Few Minutes Later ***
Obi-Wan stumbled to the table and sat with a plop opposite of Qui-Gon. Jinn slid him two aspirin pills and a glass of water. Obi-Wan slammed them like there was no tomorrow. After many minutes of silence Obi-Wan looked at his saber and whimpered.
"The feeling's mutual my young padawan." Qui-Gon murmured blinking slowly.
After a few moments Obi-Wan smiled a little…this increased to a chuckle…this increased to a laugh. Qui-Gon was eyeing him skeptically.
"Master…We were drunk!" Obi-Wan laughed. "And you said Master Yodi!"
Qui-Gon tried not to laugh, or even smile but he did so in spite of himself, and his headache. Honestly it was killing them both to laugh but they couldn't stop.
"You said dern." Qui-Gon countered.
They were both rather surprised that they remembered so much. Jesi wouldn't have the total pleasure of reminding them so easily.
"That woman had a beard like you Master!" Obi-Wan laughed crossing his arms over the table and hiding his face in them.
Suddenly the door chime sounded and they both stopped laughing abrutly at the rather high pitch sound.
"Urgh!" They both exclaimed putting their hands on their heads.
Qui-Gon stood and made his way to the door where someone was knocking.
Opening it he was greeted by a young woman, early twenties maybe. He recognized her vaguely from the times he was in Jesi's office. She was her assistant he recalled, or he thought so.
"Captain Stafferi asked me to bring this by this morning." Liranki held out a bottle of aspirin, two bottles of water, and a small data note pad.
Qui-Gon shook his head to himself and took to offered items. "Thank you. And tell Jesi…" He thought a moment then said, "Just smile at her for us, she'll understand."
"Suuuurrreeee. Nice to see you again Master Jinn." Liranki said with a confused look but then nodded lowly and left the door way.
Qui-Gon turned back into his quarters and set the aspirin on the table along with the waters. Obi-Wan looked up at him curiously as he pressed the view button on the data reader.
He smiled to himself reading what was written in a vid-pen. He glanced at Obi-wan and handed it to him. Obi-Wan read it quickly.
Good morning boys! Had an interesting night didn't you? I'm sure it's paying you back this wonderful morning. This is different kind of aspirin I sent, it should help a little faster than normal stuff. I'll catch up to you two later, if you're still coherent that is.
Always,
Jesi
Obi-Wan chuckled a little, then his headache pounded again and the two hung-over Jedi just sat silently at the table staring into nothingness…Then they started laughing beside their pounding heads.
*****
Jesi looked up from her computer screen as Liranki entered.
"Master Jinn said this was from them." She said and flashed a smile.
Jesi laughed aloud and nodded dismissing the younger woman. Definitely had to pay those two a visit later that day, make sure they were still breathing and coherent. She wondered how long it would take them to figure it out this time…
~~~~~~
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon spit the water out at the same time.
"There's tequila in this!"
The End
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEH! Sorry, lol. Hope ye liked! Review, as always!
Till later,
Elli