It was a cool, breezy, and foggy morning in Los Angeles, California. Autumn has always been my favorite time of the year. The leaves have turned a vibrant auburn, birds were cuddling against each other and the sun was just starting to come up. My second oldest sister, Alice and I had stayed up late talking, laughing, looking back at our childhood.
It was close to midnight when I finally walked upstairs into their guest's bedroom. The room was painted a light lilac with an elegant white bed. There were old family photos neatly displayed on the blue nightstands and the aroma of the room instantly relaxed me. A soft, white mosquito net hung directly above the bed and a beautiful sepia painting of a mother and daughter hung on the opposite wall from the headboard. It completed the room. As I lay there waiting for unconsciousness, I noticed how beautiful the faces in the painting, especially with the moon light shining through the lacy curtain.
I woke up while it was still dark outside because I was still used to Central Standard Time. I took a quick warm shower and slipped on my jogging clothes. When I opened the bathroom door, I could smell the aroma of the coffee brewing from downstairs. Alice must be up too. I got ready quickly and rushed downstairs. We had made plans last night to catch the sun rise at Laguna Beach. We sipped our coffee and left quietly, not wanting to wake anyone up. Visiting my two sisters in California eased and occupied my mind. I read somewhere that no loss is comparable to the loss of a child. I finally understood and could empathize since I was living with that constant ache and barren arms.
Alice had the car top of her white Mercedes CLK 350 down and the breeze was filled with the distinct scent of Gardenias and Midnight Jasmines. We drove up a beautiful, narrow path on the hillside and the locals seemed so relaxed and content. Everyone was casually going about their morning. From an outsider, there was no rush, no deadline or an agenda in the way they go about their morning.
Seeing the scenery in person was enough but it would be a waste to not snap some pictures for later. While waiting for Les Bristas to open for brunch, we sat in silence, watched folks walk by with their dogs and relaxed on a beach bench. Alice was that easy to be with, regardless of my mental state. The restaurant was overlooking the beach and it was surrounded with beautiful rose bushes. We were one of the few people who were there so we were able to get a table by the clear windows. The sunrise that morning was something to remember!
Alice nervously smiled and asked, "How are you, truly?"
I said, "Hanging in there…Doing my best."
"Let me know if there is anything I could do to make things easier", she offered.
I nodded as tears pooled up in my eyes. I tried to look away to hide them.
Alice has always been my favorite sister. Not that I loved her anymore than the other two sisters, she was just very empathetic and simple. I never felt the need to make small talk since she could appreciate the silence. Some things were just best unsaid and avoid reliving.
The ambiance, food and service were just perfect! The assortments of pastries, flavored pan cakes, fluffy scrambled eggs, maple sausages, crispy bacon; fresh fruits were all nicely displayed at the buffet tables. As I enjoyed the crispy waffle with just a touch of warm, maple syrup and a vegetable omelet, I wondered what the nanny fixed for my two little ones back home in Houston.
It was hard to accept that it has only been a week since my discharge from the hospital. It was during this dark time that I was faced with the most difficult decision, a loss of a beloved, brutal abandonment and endless tears. It didn't show, but I must have aged. Some scars are just not meant to fade. After her funeral service, I needed to leave Houston to get away from everything! Iliana, our nanny, has been an enormous help to me through it all and she truly adored the children. She has been our nanny since the kids were little, a part of our family.
By now, the restaurant was filled with folks coming in from Sunday services. Everything was so delicious, but I especially enjoyed the vegetable omelet! The vegetables must have been fresh and organic from the local grocer and the sweet champagne was perfect with the chocolate dipped strawberries. I rarely get to enjoy champagne with my breakfast. While waiting for Alice to come back from the ladies' room, I glanced over and noticed an older man sitting across the room reading a book, smiling and sipping his coffee in total contentment. I hoped to be just like him when I reach my old age. I glanced over to my left and saw a man in a nice suit typing, yelling into the phone and abruptly leaving his breakfast behind when he accidentally spilled his coffee on his nicely pressed white shirt. Behind us sat a frustrated mom because her two kids would probably rather watch cartoon and eat cereal with milk than to be eating a fancy breakfast. I laughed quietly to myself and sighed.
"Ready?" Alice asked, realizing it was past noon.
"Yeah", I replied.
As we drove the curvy road along the hills, I murmured, "Alice, thank you for such a wonderful morning. I really needed a break from everything."
Alice smiled and said, "Don't even mention it. I wished you lived here so we could do things together. Your brother-in-law doesn't like to get out of the house to do anything. He would rather sit at home, watch T.V. and read the newspaper than to spend Sunday here with me. Usually I just come here by myself or with my co-workers from the hospital." Alice has recently gotten her Masters and she is now a nurse practitioner. We are all very proud of her accomplishments.
I smiled to myself and leaned back to enjoy the rest of the ride, admiring the beautiful homes located on the hills along the coast. When we got home, Alice said, "I have to get dinner ready". Her idea of preparing dinner is looking at take out menus. Alice and her husband do fairly well for themselves but they are not showy folks at all. They have three children, Alan, Kristin and Alec. Kristin has always held a very special place in my heart since she reminded so much of me when I was little. Their beautiful two stories home is located in a secluded, gated community. I sighed, grabbed my I-pod and went for a walk in their neighborhood.
The houses were all different, each very unique. I loved the stoned walls on the houses and throughout the streets. I started walking daily since it helped me stay fit and cleared my mind. It is a chance for me to forget all of my troubles and have a one on one with God. I tried to listen to His small, still Voice but I could never pick it out. I am not sure why?... The few times that I did hear a voice, I didn't know if that was my own voice or His? I couldn't keep my mind from wondering why or even how I had taken those numerous wrong turns! It was as if I have no sense of direction in life. I was born without a built in compass. It was pointless to have a conscience without a true sense of purpose or direction. At thirty, I was still so lost, wandering through life. The few sure facets that were certain were my personal relationship with God, my children and my excelling career.
That evening, my oldest sister, Nancy, took me and her kids to Benehanas, one of my favorite restaurants. I enjoyed watching the chef cook our food at the hibachi grill. He fried the rice with butter, mixed in the eggs, tossed together the succulent shrimps, scallops, fresh vegetables and special sauces and seasonings. It was quite a show! The food was light, tasty, and very satisfying. From the Miso soup, to the pickled slices of radish and ginger, everything was so flavorful. The morsels of grilled eels, pickled vegetables, crunchy tempura shrimps were perfectly wrapped in sheets of seaweeds, fresh, steamed rice and topped with a delicious, oyster flavored sauce. The fried rice and fresh sautéed seafood complimented one another beautifully. From the look on Nancy's face, I knew that she couldn't wait until tonight to talk to me. Nancy is so much different from Alice. She is more upbeat, more talkative and a big spender! She has been very good to all of her younger siblings. She has a very good job managing a casino in Los Angeles and her husband is a successful business man. Financially, they are stable and she has helped me so much since my divorce in 2004. For that, I will always feel so in debt to their generosity and kindness. I know they never expect me to pay them back, but that even makes it more uncomfortable to continue to accept their kindness.
I decided to stay at Nancy's house that evening since I have not spent any quality with her. Plus, Alice had to work early the next morning. After her two kids went to bed, we lingered at her breakfast table in the kitchen. She made two cups of hot tea and she cut two slices of red velvet cakes for us. She smiled empathetically and asked, "Please talk to me? How are the kids adjusting? Sorry I couldn't drop everything and fly to Houston to be there for you. I_"
I shook my head and responded, "You have done so much for me that I can't even think how I could have got through all of that without your support!"
She said, "Oh, no need to thank me. I was glad to have been able to send you the money for the out of pocket hospital bills, the funeral service and the plane tickets."
No matter how hard I tried to mask my sorrow, I couldn't fool my sisters. The worst part was I had caused them pain and heartaches. Although I was on a leave of absence, I could only stay for a few days since I had to get back to my two kids. The last night there, we all went to the local French coffee shop to have cappuccino and fresh beignets. We decided that we would try to keep the conversation light and not cry. We sat at one of the outdoors table. Though it was mid August, California is one of the few places that one could find a cool breeze. The kids came along too and had hot chocolate and cookies. The beignets were so fresh and complimented our coffee nicely. We sat there and watched the kids enjoyed their treats.
I spent my last night at Alice's place since she was taking me to the airport the next morning. As usual, we stayed up and talked until 2am. She sighed and spoke, "When you get back home and if things get real bad, just call or email me. I am here for you, always. The hardest part is over. We can't undo what has happened. We just have to move forward and never look back, babe. Consider it a very bad misfortune, ok?." Though I was exhausted, I had a hard time sleeping that night. What she said lingered on. I didn't want to think of what was waiting for me. How the familiarity of the home might affect me. It didn't feel as though I slept at all since the buzz of my alarm on the phone went off too soon. I needed to shower to hide my fatigue. I gathered all of my belongings and loaded them in the trunk. The ride to the airport was short and pleasant. As I got out of her convertible, I wished I had a few more days with her. She hugged me and whispered, "Take care of yourself and know that we love you! Kiss the kids for us!" I nodded and gave her a tighter squeeze as I walked through the doors of the airport.
I had already checked in the night before so I walked straight to the indicated terminal and sat down to collect my thoughts. It will be another hour wait and the flight back was another four hours. I pulled my book out of the bag and noticed that Alice had put $500 in an envelope for me. My eyes filled with tears and appreciation! She has always done that to avoid causing me discomfort. I tried to concentrate on finishing the chapter, but nothing made sense. I closed the book in frustration. Once I was situated in my seat for the flight, I made an effort to sleep but couldn't rest my mind. The hours dragged by slowly. Even my usual habit of people watching was not an option. Not in a closed proximity of an airplane. I was relieved when the plane started to descend. The airport is truly a bitter, sweet place since there are so many mixed emotions: yearning, sadness, love, pain, anxiousness, excitement, relieved and frustration. I couldn't help but wondered what emotion I wore on my face as I walked through the double doors of Bush Continental Airport. Then it hit me! The heat and humidity were evident, worse than the dried desert! For a moment, I wished I could stay in the coldness of the airport. I hurried to the shuttle, knowing that it would be air conditioned. I parked my car at the long term parking garage for convenience. I turned on my phone, texted Alice and Nancy that I arrived safely and looked up where I had parked on my phone note pad. I located my car, paid the due and drove home. I was so glad to have missed Houston's traffic! When I pulled up to the drive way, exhaustion finally found me. The nanny was relieved when I walked in and the kids were so happy to see me! I hugged and kissed them both and unpacked all the prizes that their aunts and cousins have especially picked out for them. I took a cold shower, changed into my shorts and an old t-shirt, made a cup of iced tea and finished the book from earlier. I once read, "A book lover never goes to bed alone"_ Author: unknown. It is very true! Ever since the divorce, I have found myself with a book every night. I have been reading recommended Christian books, but the one that has helped me through my darkest days was How to Live Your Best Life Now by Pastor Joel Osteen. I wouldn't have made it out of that long depression if it weren't for the grace, love of God and the practical preaching of Pastor Joel. He is a wonderful pastor and I trust that he has helped thousands and touched their lives in such a positive, motivating and faith filled way.