Christa is having a nightmare, and she can't wake herself up. She's breathing hard, not knowing what to do. She twists and turns in her bed and even tries to scream, but nothing works. In her nightmare she's back in the forest, a man holding a knife at her throat and her mother in front of her. A look of panic on her face.
Her father is there too, yelling at the two men, but it's like his voice can't reach them, the knife is touching her mother's throat, painting a horizontal red line in it, a drop falling from the side.
Her mother's lips move, but the voice that comes out is horrible, like if she had been possessed. "It's all your fault" she says "You should have never been born! Why didn't I kill you the first day?! You're a spoiled girl!" And it keeps on saying things that make Christa cry.
The knife at her mother's throat cuts deeper and faster sideways, and she falls forward, Christa watching as she bleeds out at her feet. Her body, after a few seconds, twitches and her head looks up. "Now it's your turn" she says, now in her mother's voice and she sees how her body changes shape to form an exact version of her. She stands up, her face expressionless, and takes the knife from Christa's throat and holds it herself.
She laughs a horrible laugh and says in her voice, "poor little Historia..." She mocks "your mother is dead because of you and," suddenly they're in another place, in a town, and there's a line of people kneeling down, guns at their heads. They all laugh at her.
The imitation of Christa turns and waves her hand, and all the guns go, killing everyone around her but herself and her imitation.
Her imitation gets close to her again and goes behind her, keeping the knife in her throat, just an inch from killing her. She caresses her hair and pulls on it, raising her head, and she cries harder, shaking her head at the figure in front of her.
Ymir.
The tall girl looks like she's in a daze and, without looking away from Christa, she takes out a knife and puts it at her throat. Christa screams before she cuts clean through her girlfriends throat and her imitation laughs at the dead figure in the floor in front of her, pushing Christa to the corpse.
Her imitation takes the knife from her throat away, putting it to her throat now. She laughs as she takes Christa's hand and makes her grab the knife with her. Christa tries to push the knife away from her imitations throat, but her hand is tight.
From behind a familiar pair of arms wrap around her waist and she holds her breath. Christa can feel Ymirs blood dripping on the collar of her shirt and falling through her collarbone, and she can't bear it. Ymir whispers on her ear "do it, for me..."
Her imitation laughs once more and forces the knife through her throat, falling to the floor instantly, a maniac look on her open eyes. Christa still has the knife on her hands and now Ymirs hands are on the knife too.
She forces the knife around and without hesitation; Ymir pushes it to Christa's stomach, sending waves of stinging pain through her abdomen. She gasps, putting her hands on the knife, around the wound.
And when she's about to close her eyes and give up, she feels Ymir's hot breathe in her ear whispering "wake up"
Christa wakes up screaming. She can still feel Ymirs arms around her, but Ymir is holding her wrists tightly, keeping them from moving. Christa is breathing hard, trembling and crying in the tall's girls arms.
Ymir is whispering in her ear. "Christa stop. It's just a dream. It's over. You're safe. I got you" as she tries to calm down, but the panic in her chest is too hard to bear and she can feel the tell-tales of a panic attack surging, or maybe she was already having it.
She sucks in a breathe, or tries to, and gasps, trying to breathe "i can't breathe" she whispers. Turning in Ymir's arms and falling to the floor. She's in her knees and hands, looking at the ground hard, trying to control her breathing.
Ymir is instantly in front of her, her hand on the sides of her face. "C'mon Christa. Shhhh. It's okay. Calm down" she pulls her face to hers and kisses her and Christa stays still, her body freezing. After a few seconds she relaxes into Ymir's touch and Christa separates them, Ymir's forehead resting on hers.
Christa was breathing normally again, her heartbeat steady and the tears had stopped coming down her face. "How did you...?" She laughs shakily. "How did you do that?"
Ymir sits back, running her shaky hands through her face. She laughs too, and Christa finally sees how bad Ymir looks herself. Her forehead is shiny with sweat, she has her jaw bruising and her pupils are wide with fear. But her fear seemed to be slowly fading. "I read once," She said, her voice still shaky "that holding your breathe could stop a panic attack, and you were..." She laughs again "you were holding your breathe when I kissed you"
"I was?" Christa asks to herself mostly. Feeling a small blush rising to her face. Why would she hold her breathe kissing Ymir? She had kissed her hundreds of times; she was her girlfriend after all.
"Yeah" Ymir takes a big breathe "you were" she puts her face in her hands for a second "God Christa," She muttered "you scared the living shit out of me"
Christa crawls to Ymir, sitting with her back to her front and wrapping her long arms around herself. She had always felt safe in Ymirs arms, like nothing could reach her when she was there. Ymir kissed her head and wrapped her arms tighter around Christa.
"How did you know about the panic attacks?" Christa asked. "Because you aren't really a fan of books"
Ymir placed her face on the crook of Christa's neck and kissed lightly "when I was younger" she said, her voice finally had stopped shaking "when my mother died I had a lot of panic attacks. Bertholdt always found me in my room, curled around myself, trying to breathe, and he would hold me like I am holding you right now, holding my arms around myself and telling me to breathe. But when that didn't work he told me to hold my breath, and he would hold his with me, so I would calm down"
Christa nodded, Bertholdt was Ymir's twin brother, "Now I owe Bert" Ymir's chest rose and fell in silent laughter.
"You scared the hell out of me" she said turning the little blonde in her arms to look at her. Christa saw the bruise on her jaw and placed her small hand on Ymir's cheek.
"I did that to you?" She whispered and Ymir nodded.
"Don't worry" she said turning her head to kiss Christa's palm. "I was much worse, you should have seen Bert after my attacks. He was always covered in bruises and scratches. I owe him nights of sleep and a whole lot of wounds"
Christa laughed "sorry" she whispered, kissing Ymir's cheek. "You should have better than me"
"Don't say that" Ymir said, her voice hurt. She pulled the blonde into her arms again and Christa felt safe and calm once more. "If I wanted to be with someone else, I wouldn't be here in the first place. I love you, and only you. Never think I don't"
"Thank you" Christa said and prepared to fall asleep, she didn't care she was on the floor, the cold hard floor. She was with her knight in shining armor, with her only home. Her only love and person who has returned the love she gave.
She clung to her, not wanting to fall asleep. You dream about what you most wish, to have what you want. Why would she want to fall asleep? She looked at Ymir for a second, watching her coffee brown eyes and her tanned skin. Her short brown hair and her everyday gray V-neck. Her old jeans and the freckles on her face. She smiled to herself, knowing everything she wanted was right in front of her.