Ugh. I'm sick or something, my doctor had me do a CT scan thing and everything. So on the one hand, I called out of work and have free time to write. But on the other, my brain feels like maple syrup and I wanna curl in bed and sleep my life away. -fog-fog-fog-fog- But I'm gonna try and write. Let's see. XD
This story is also featured in my The Heart Never Forgets one-shot collection, but it was lengthy and solid enough to stand on it's own so here we go. Unrepentant fluff, angst, and reconciliation alert! Enjoy!~
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Approximately three weeks after Bucky and Steve had reunited [coincidentally only two days before Steve had been set to go look for him], Bucky finally agreed to go outside.
It wasn't that he couldn't have gone out if he'd wanted to, [although Tony might have objected], but once he'd accepted Steve's help and officially started the rehabilitation process...he'd changed considerably. The Winter Soldier was still there, and the parts of Bucky that had begun shining through were still haunted by him, but there was something almost childish about Bucky as well. He was hesitant, uncertain of his actions and constantly looking to Steve as if seeking acceptance or permission, he seemed afraid to want or to voice his returning feelings and desires, and afraid that he might lose control. Bucky was, in a word, fragile, and Steve was learning how to deal with that as much as Bucky was learning how to deal with...being a person. Not a weapon.
So, one sunny morning after having had what Steve considered a good night for Bucky, he suggested cheerfully. "How about we go for a walk? Check out a town a little?"
Bucky, who had been dutifully eating his eggs and cereal, stilled and shot Steve a questioning glance. "...You think that's...a good idea?" he asked after a moment.
"Well, I mean, I think it'd be good to get out and stretch the old legs a little...but it's up to you. What do you want to do?"
Bucky's expression didn't change really, but Steve had gotten to where he could read this new Bucky...at least a little. He was uncomfortable with the question, uncertain. "...If you think it's a good idea..." he finally muttered.
Steve wanted him to say that it was what he wanted, but he'd make do with this for now. "Alright then, finish your cereal and let's paint the town red."
Bucky seemed puzzled. "Why would we do that?"
That had been a favored phrase of Bucky once, and now he was taking it literally.
Before Steve could speak though, clarity dawned and Bucky seemed to realize his error. "Oh...it's...an expression." he remembered. "Yeah."
Steve was careful not to betray the way that made his heart clench.
...
Before long, they'd started their journey and not long after Stark Tower was out of sight and they'd entered a more populated area, Bucky had made a blatant point of moving to the right of Steve and somewhat shoving him aside. Steve couldn't fathom why and Bucky gave nothing away, but after a minute, it clicked. A distant memory.
A car whizzed past, the driver clearly drunk, he swerved up on the curb and only Bucky jerking him out of the way prevented Steve from being hit.
"Hey, a**hole! Get the Hell back here!" Bucky shouted, even as he patted a shaky Steve down. "You alright, pal?"
Steve nodded, his heart thudding in his chest. "Y-Yeah, thanks, Buck."
Bucky always made it a point to keep Steve to the inside after that, and let Bucky walk along the side of the street.
Steve smiled sidelong at Bucky. The little gesture was further proof that his Bucky was in there somewhere, although the way he'd done it, he wondered if Bucky even realized he had done it. That was alright though, unconscious or not, it gave him hope.
He watched Bucky from the corner of his eye, noted the way he sized every detail up. His posture was tense and his movements somewhat stiff. He suspected Bucky was trying to relax, but years of ingrained defensive postures were fighting for dominance. Bucky's eyes scanned skywards, and Steve smiled. "Looking for birds, pal?"
"Snipers." Bucky replied simply. "This area is open. Makes us easy targets."
Steve felt his mouth go dry at that. "...I don't think we'll have to worry about that, Buck."
Bucky's gaze was hard as it slid to Steve. "It's not about 'worry', it's common sense." Bucky's uncertainty in speaking always went away the moment he talked about matters like this. Things that went more in line with the Winter Soldier than with Bucky. He seemed to realize suddenly that his tone was a little harsh, and that Steve was giving him a somewhat pained look, because he averted his gaze and added quietly. "I'll...try to...be less..."
"It's okay." Steve said softly as he slid a hand to his shoulder and tried not to be hurt by the way Bucky still stiffened at contact with him. But it wasn't just him, so he couldn't take it personally. "Do you what you gotta do, pal. I've got your back."
Bucky's jaw tensed slightly like it always did when faced with something that went against his 'training'. The idea of someone having his back was foreign to him. He was tempted to be adverse to Steve's display of emotions and sentiment. But at the same time, it made him want to pull Steve closer and never let him go; to protect the little fool. "I've got yours." he said gruffly, relieved that it seemed to be the right response because Steve smiled at him. He...liked when Steve smiled.
They passed a collectibles store front then, and Bucky paused suddenly. Steve obligingly did so as well and scrunched his nose at the gaudy display of the Avengers. Little toys and large posters were scattered around the front windows, but it was Captain America who took precedence. Presumably because he'd just been involved with all the media coverage over the battle with Shield.
Bucky had moved closer to the window, and peered down at something silently for a long moment.
Steve chuckled and stepped closer. "See something you like, Buck?" he glanced in the window, only to feel his smile falter.
A Captain America action figure was lined up in front of a poster of a slightly smoldering city where a photo of Captain America and a blurry figure in black stood facing each other. A sticker that red 'CAPTAIN AMERICA VS THE BLACK DEATH' was pasted across the top. A crude action figure of the 'Black Death' was put in opposition of Captain America, and it was obvious who it was supposed to be.
Bucky, or rather, the Winter Soldier.
Shield's information had been leaked, but not every dirty secret was out of the closet. Hydra's experiments on Bucky Barnes were still, for the most part, a secret. The Winter Soldier had been caught in a few photohgraphs and videos, and there were some eye-witnesses, but no one had known who he was. Apparently they'd dubbed him the 'Black Death' and made him a villain.
A pair of children ran up behind them then, and pointed at the window gleefully. "Look! They got the Black Death! He looks lame but his arm's kinda cool. All metal."
"I know! Captain America will beat him no problem. The bad guy's always the loser. Whoosh!" he mimed throwing a shield.
"He could block the shield, dummy! Captain America needs a gun. Blam!" The other child mimed a gunshot, and that was as much as Steve could stomach.
"BLAM!" Steve shouted as he clapped a hand in front of the boys' faces and took a menacing step towards them. They didn't recognize him in civilian clothing, but the sudden action was enough to startle them into running off. He scowled after them, disturbed by the children of the day, and then he looked back at Bucky whose expression was absolutely blank.
Steve had no idea what the proper response to this was. How did you deal with your best friend being labeled a villain? "This is stupid. I'll talk to the shop owner about taking it down."
"It's fine." Bucky said stiffly, and he wouldn't meet Steve's gaze. "It's not like it's not true."
"Bucky-"
"-I'm the 'bad guy'. You should have killed me. It's...just irony that you didn't. All the people that could have come after me, and it was you." Bucky's gaze settled back on the display.
Steve felt like the wind had been knocked out of him, and he grabbed Bucky by the shoulder and yanked him around to face him.
Bucky was defensive instantly, eyes slightly wide as his hand snaked out to grab Steve but he fell short and let his arm drop as he corrected the situation. He wasn't being attacked, it was only Steve, he would never hurt Steve. Not again.
"You're not the bad guy." Steve snapped, angry, frustrated, and sad all at once. "Nothing that you did was ever your fault. Don't ever think that."
Bucky met his gaze this time, but there was no softening that blank expression or the clear disbelief he read in those cold eyes. "I would...remember sometimes. I had a chance, at least once. I could have ended it. Saved lives. Stopped me. But I didn't. I was a coward."
Steve stared at him for a long, strained moment before he grabbed Bucky's sleeve and hauled him into an alley. Bucky stiffened but allowed it, and even allowed Steve to back him up against a wall although he seemed tense.
"Don't ever say something that stupid again, do you understand me?" Steve growled, and Bucky actually seemed a little surprised at his response. "You are not..." he exhaled heavily, his emotions in turmoil. "You are not a coward because you didn't...didn't kill yourself. What happened wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve it, and you wouldn't...you wouldn't have deserved...dying." The word was like acid on his tongue where Bucky was concerned.
"Yeah?" Bucky's tone actually held a little something then, it was self-derisive. "And most of the people I killed-brutally sometimes-they didn't deserve it either. You think you can justify my life over theirs? 'Cause I don't. If I wasn't...Bucky," he spat the word, like it was distasteful, "You would have done your job and finished me. You're not thinking straight. Because of me. Except it's not really me. Because the Bucky you want me to be..." Bucky had an expression then too, one that was pained, and twisted, and haunted all at once. "He's dead, Steve." his voice was choked, almost a whisper, faraway. "What they pulled outta the snow that day...I'm just...memories. Not even that, I can't remember my name half the time." he chuckled bitterly. "The man I was died alone in the snow. I shouldn't be here."
Steve took the words like a blow, and felt his eyes water but he forced it down. Bucky didn't need to deal with that right now, he needed strength. Steve needed to be the strong one between them now. Steve had always leaned on Bucky, and now he would make Bucky lean on him if he had to.
Steve took Bucky's face in his hands and forced the other to meet his gaze. "You listen to me, James Buchanan Barnes." he said in his most authoritative, Captain's voice. "Nothing that happened was your fault. You would never have done that willingly, don't you dare feed me any crap that you would. What they did to you...you didn't deserve. I should have protected you. I don't think I regretted anything in my life more than I regretted that day." When Bucky fell. And Bucky seemed about to protest but Steve gripped his face a little tighter and cut him off.
"Your...body, has done terrible things. But you said so yourself, you can't remember your name half the time. You can't be held responsible for what they made you do. Maybe not every one can understand that, but I do, and not just because you're my best friend. Because it's the truth. And maybe it's selfish, but I'm glad you're here. Even if you're not all you, even if you can't be...I'll take you however I can get you, because you're my family. You understand me? And you're wrong. If Hydra wanted those people dead, even if you never became the Winter Soldier, they would have found someone else to do it. You wouldn't saved any lives if you'd...killed yourself. The only difference is that I would have never gotten you back. And I could never say I'm sorry. And I am, Bucky. I am so sorry, for everything...I asked you to join the Commandos, even after everything you'd been through. I couldn't let you go, and then I...I failed you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." In the end, Steve's voice broke as his emotions bled through and he release Bucky to pull away and rub a hand over his face.
But then he felt hands grip his shoulders painfully, and he was startled to see a mortified expression on Bucky's face. His voice was tense, and the halting speech had nothing to do with uncertainty. Bucky was furious. "You...you...f***ing idiot." The words were spat out, and they were so...Bucky. Bucky himself seemed surprised, like he wasn't sure where the words had come from, but then he was right back to being angry. "Are you telling me you've been blamin' yourself all this time?" he demanded, and Steve was taken aback by the old Brooklyn accent that bled through. Bucky's speech up till that point had lacked an accent and been crisp.
"I made that choice. I decided to follow you. And it's my job to protect you. Don't think that just 'cause you went'n got a little bigger, anythin' changed. Whatever happened...that was on me. My life...it was never your responsibility." Bucky said firmly.
Steve was stunned by the display of emotion, by the pure...Bucky of it all. Apparently he'd struck a chord with the other, and it had led him clear past the Winter Soldier.
"I could say the same to you. I shouldn't have been your responsibility, but you always put me first. Even when we were kids. Of course I'd do the same for you, idiot." he retorted back.
Bucky actually seemed indignant. "That's different."
"How's that?" Steve asked, reminded of a very similar conversation years ago.
"You're...you're mine." Bucky growled. Steve's jaw went a little slack as his eyes widened, and Bucky seemed to realize what he'd said. Was that a hint of a flush on Bucky's cheeks. "Not...not like that. I mean...taking care of you it's...we're...you're all I've got." he finished softly, as the anger seemed to bleed out of him. "My family. You're all I've got." he repeated as his gaze lowered to the ground and he released Steve as he turned away. "You don't have anythin' to feel guilty for...you're the only good thing I ever...I ever had..so...of course I'd do...of course I'd take care of you.."
Steve had no idea what to say or to do, he was literally stunned silent. In the first place, even if Bucky were in his right mind, it was just such a huge, emotional admission. But Bucky wasn't in his right mind so this was all...it blew him away. What could he even say to that?
Steve simply reacted to the welling emotions inside of him, he gently turned Bucky a bit before he pulled the other man into a gentle hug. He wouldn't force it on him.
Bucky stiffened at first, but then slowly, his arms came around Steve lightly, as if afraid to touch him.
Steve took that as a sign to continue and he hugged Bucky tightly, tighter than necessary to reinforce his trust in the other and that Steve wasn't made of glass. In turn, though he hesitated, Bucky gripped him back tightly. "It's the same for me, Buck. You're my family. Protecting you is just as important to me as it is to you. There's nothin' I wouldn't do for you, Buck. Not a day where I wouldn't believe in you. And I do. I know you weren't responsible for what the Winter Soldier did. I believe in you, and you need to believe in yourself. You should be here. You deserve to live. And be happy. You have nothing to feel guilty for."
It took a minute, but Bucky sagged suddenly, like he'd been released from a great weight and Bucky's fingers gripped into his skin painfully, but Steve didn't try to move him. "Steve." Bucky's voice was a hoarse whisper as he allowed himself to bury his face in Steve's shoulder a little. It was too much to process, between what he'd experienced and what Steve was giving him in return. He didn't know how to handle it, didn't know what to do with the crushing...love in his chest.
"And you're not a bad guy." Steve added suddenly, voice soft. "Do you remember? When you found out who Captain America's hero was?"
Something clicked inside Bucky, something just out of reach. He felt like he should know the answer, like it was important somehow. "I...I don't...know." he muttered into Steve's shoulder. His hero. Who would that have been?
Steve wanted him to remember, he felt it would carry more weight that way. "Think about it." he urged. "That day, with the Commandos and...Peggy. Agent Carter."
Steve always wanted him to remember, but he didn't usually make such a point of it. Still, he tried, even as his head started to throb, Bucky tried and shadows of memories and snippets of conversations danced in his mind. Were any of them the right memories? "I...can't...I'm sorry.." he finally mumbled and started to pull away.
Steve kept Bucky in place with a tight hug. "It was you." he said softly, and he let the warmth in his heart creep into his voice. "It was always you."
Bucky pulled away then, and Steve released him though he kept light hands on his shoulders as Bucky stared at him with wide-eyed surprise. "...Me?"
Steve smiled. "Who else?"
"But...you..." His reaction wasn't all that far off from his original reaction, all those years ago.
"Steven Rogers, Captain America...same hero. Bucky Barnes. I probably wouldn't be here now if it weren't for you. Wouldn't be the man I am, anyway. If I'm a good man now, or a hero, it's a lot to do with having been best friends with one my whole life."
Bucky was almost comically surprised, the expression was so far from any he'd seen on the 'Winter Soldier's' face. "You can't say that."
Steve lifted a brow. "Think I just did."
Bucky struggled for words. "But...I'm just...I'm just..."
"Just you? And you're amazing, Buck. You certainly always said so." Steve chuckled, a light tease at Bucky's playfully huge ego.
Bucky stared at him. "Why?"
Steve figured he knew what the other was asking. "Because you were brave. And never backed down. Because you knew what you wanted and you fought tooth and nail for it. Because you never took crap from anybody. Because you were smart as Hell and didn't give yourself credit for it. Because you'd put yourself in danger to save a life in a heart beat, not just mine. Because even when life sucked, you'd laugh and just keep on living. Lots of other reasons. And because no matter what, you were always there for me."
Bucky actually looked like he might cry, although whether because the words struck a chord or because he simply couldn't handle everything at once, Steve wasn't sure. "I could say all that about you." he pointed out.
Steve smiled as he punched Bucky's cheek lightly, and in the end, cupped it fondly instead. "Who do'ya think I learned it from, jerk?"
That broke him then, as for the second time since he'd returned, Bucky actually initiated contact and pulled Steve into a tight, crushing hug. The metal of Bucky's arm dug into his back, and the fingers that gripped his neck weren't exactly gentle, but he wasn't sure a hug had ever felt so good. "You're a punk." Bucky said hoarsely, for the first time in too, too many years.
Which in turn, broke Steve, who sniffed despite himself although he managed to contain the damage to his eyes watering just a bit. "Your punk, apparently." he teased lightly.
Bucky actually chuckled a little. "Damn straight." he said, just like Bucky would. And Steve knew that he was wrong about the old Bucky dying alone in the snow, because Bucky was here with him right now. And that meant everything to him. He'd have let the Winter Soldier burn the world to ash just to have this moment with his best friend, his brother, again.
"I got her number." Bucky said suddenly, and as the pair pulled apart, Steve eyed him with a furrowed brow. "Agent Carter."
Clarity dawned, and Steve laughed. "Well...sort of."
Bucky frowned. "I got it. I remember. No woman could resist me." he quoted himself from days past.
Steve smiled, although it might really have been a smirk. "Agent Carter was the one woman that could, apparently. Come on, let's get something to eat and I'll...clarify."
Bucky huffed a little as the pair walked out of the alley, and for the first time, Bucky didn't scan the skies for snipers or look at every passerby like they were about to jump them. "Clarify my arse." he muttered, just like Bucky, and Steve smiled as he clapped a hand on Bucky's back and Bucky didn't even flinch.
"I'm glad you're here, Bucky. Don't leave again, alright?"
Bucky's expression started to slide back into something more deadpan, but right at the end, he gave Steve a little smile as he ruffled Steve's hair like he would have done in the old days. "As long as you want me around...I'll stay."
"Then I guess you're stuck with me forever, pal." Steve drawled.
Bucky grinned then, and it was possibly the best thing Steve had ever seen. "And here you said I was taking all the stupid with me."
"Well, like I said," Steve teased, more than pleased at the reference that meant Bucky's memories were returning, "I learned from the best."
Bucky's answering expression, a mixture of adoration and gratefulness that was more open than even the old Bucky would gave him, made Steve decide that some changes were good after all. But he hadn't been lying, he'd take Bucky however he could get him.
They were family, after all.
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That didn't go quite as expected, but I'm glad. I didn't feel like I was forcing it when I was writing, Bucky and Steve just poured out of me. And Steve managed to emotionally yank Bucky out from behind the Winter Soldier shell and gahhh, the cuteness and feels. Bwahaha! This was therapeutic. I don't feel quite so dead on my feet now. Reviews are like verbal hugs. And if you want to see the Howling Commando-era story about where Bucky gets [but not really] Peggy's number and finds out he's Captain America...then read The Heart Never Forgets cause it's next up. XD Enjoy!~Witchy~