Sins of the Fathers
by Weird Little Stories
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Snape's thoughts during the evening of Harry's first day at Hogwarts.
Lily's son arrived at Hogwarts today and was sorted into the house of his parents. Lucius' son also arrived and was sorted into the house of his parents, as were the sons of Crabbe and Goyle.
And that is the very last time that I can permit myself to think of Harry Potter as Lily's son. Dumbledore is certain that the Dark Lord will rise again, and I fear he is correct. When my former master rises again, his most pressing interest will be in The Boy Who Lived, and he will want to trace my every memory of Harry Potter, my every observation of him, even my every thought.
The Dark Lord is a master Legilimens, and while I am a master Occlumens, even I cannot occlude daily interactions over a period of months or years. I can create false memories of a handful of planning sessions with Dumbledore, but not of hundreds or thousands of interactions with Harry Potter. The Dark Lord's interest in the boy whose failure to die resulted in his own near demise will be all-consuming. Even in the privacy of my own mind, I cannot allow myself to like Lily's son.
Worse, I must hate him, for I know that the Dark Lord will scour my mind for any and all information about Harry Potter. He will expect his loyal servant to passionately hate The Boy Who Lived, and for perusal by a master Legilimens, my hatred must be real and genuine. I must create that hatred in myself — a real and unfeigned hatred — and once it exists, I must feed it, nurture it, and encourage it to grow, like a carnivorous plant that I expect to consume the boy once it has grown large enough.
Dear Merlin, the boy is only eleven years old and by all accounts has been badly treated by his accursed Muggle relatives. Middle age will not have softened Petunia; if she was horrible as a girl, she must be a true harridan now. But I can allow no hint of sympathy, not in my behavior nor even in my own mind.
What must I become, to truly hate a traumatized eleven-year-old boy? How petty must an adult be, to blame a small child for the sins of his father? How sour, how vindictive, how bitter, how evil must I become in order to hate the small child I saw tonight?
But I must. The Dark Lord is immensely powerful and is willing to use methods that Dumbledore eschews. When he rises again, the Light will once again need its spy, so I must once again masquerade as a spy for the Dark Lord. And even those who employ them don't trust spies — rightly so, in this case — so I will be subject to the Dark Lord's constant scrutiny. I must stay in the Dark Lord's good graces; if possible, I must worm my way even further into them. For the Light to vanquish the Dark Lord, I must not fail.
Nor will my own mind be the Dark Lord's only source of information. Of course the sons of Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle will report to their fathers, who will in turn report to the Dark Lord. I couldn't have been fortunate enough for those boys to be a year ahead of Harry Potter or a year behind him, could I? No, the blasted brats must share classes with the boy, must observe my every interaction with the child, must see even the look in my eyes when I regard him.
But my mind, my heart, my soul — what will become of me once I have turned myself into the kind of man who can truly loathe a small child? I can only pray that I will die when the Dark Lord does, so that once my usefulness is at an end, I will not have to live as the horrible thing I must become.
To pay my debt to Lily, I must steel myself to regard her son with passionate hatred. The Dark Lord himself could not have devised a more appropriate torture. It's a pity he will never know about it; he would find it so very appropriate.
From this day forth, I will hate Lily's — NO! Not Lily's but rather James' son. James' son! From this day forth, I will hate James' son. I will be as petty, as small-minded, as bitter and nasty and small-souled as it is necessary to be. For I cannot fail. And I will not. Even this I will do, to bring down Lily's murderer. Even this.
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Author's notes
1. As I was pondering Snape's character and wondering how such an intelligent man who was so passionately devoted to Lily could treat her son so very badly, I thought that Snape's hatred of Harry seemed almost deliberate on Snape's part. And then I wondered if it WERE deliberate, and if so, why that would be. The above is what I came up with.
2. I have a chronic illness that leaves me non-functional most of the time, which means that I am rarely able to reply to comments. I do read them all with great attention, though, and I do cherish every single one of them, even when my health doesn't permit me to reply. I apologize for being so limited in what I can do.
3. Everything Harry Potter belongs to the illustrious Ms. Rowling. I'm just a fan playing in the sandbox that she designed, built and owns, and I make no money from the strange little stories that I write.
4. Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed anything about this story, I'd love to know what you liked or found interesting.
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