Update 9/28/16: Some strange wording has been normalized, some tender moments have been clarified, and some flow has been redirected.
A Half Inch Between Perdition and a Loving Embrace
Sleep was scarce this evening, leaving Terra to wander the dimly lit corridors of the airship cabin. She highly doubted that it was the purring of the Falcon's engines; their mechanical singing was pleasant as a choir of well-oiled pimply-faced cherubs. That alone was usually enough to send her to Snooze Land as its complacent drooling ambassador. She tried to pretend that she was still worked up from the several cups of coffee she had slammed after dinner. She even tried to blame it on her worry for the children left behind in Mobliz. Sure, neither helped, but neither were either the full cause.
She again studied the folded note she had found on her pillow. "Once the ship is asleep, at the bow we alone should meet." This was the reason she couldn't sleep. Who had left this? No signature was left behind, leaving the writer to be a mystery and a tantalizing one at that. All she had to go by was the handwriting itself, but that was no help as she had only seen Cyan's. And this certainly wasn't his flowery and formal script. Sure, the rhyming seemed like something he'd do, but it just wasn't archaic enough. Who could be wanting to speak with her at this time of night?
Sabin? No, probably not. He wasn't one for secrecy.
Setzer? No way. Money and airships were his languages; neither she had much interest in other than as a means to an end.
Could it be Locke? No. He'd be with Celes in one of their cabins. Slim to no chance it was either of them.
Shadow? He talked to no one save his dog. Such a lonely man. Terra almost felt sorry for him.
Relm? The note was missing the doodles and drawings that she was known to leave all over the place. Unlikely it was her. Besides, she'd rather shout obscenities and insults from another room than leave handwritten notes.
Strago? He could barely stay awake past four in the afternoon let alone two in the morning.
Mog, Umaro, and Gau were ruled out just on the principle that the three of them were illiterate for either being non-human or raised as such. Gogo was ruled out because he/she/mimic or whatever they identified themself as wouldn't do anything unless someone else did it first. If that had been the case, then Terra would have had two identical notes and even greater confusion.
Was it Edgar wanting to profess his undying never ending desire to rummage through her underwear? She liked Edgar, truly she did, but she did not look forward to the prospect of slapping him away, and multiple times at that. More than likely with this situation, he and his idle hands were the culprits. But if it turned out to not be him by some slim chance, who could have it have been?
With answers unobtainable from thought alone, Terra stepped out onto the airship's flight deck. She briefly peeked over the nearby railing to watch the world pass below and gasped in awe, as she did every other time. Even with the crescent moon and the stars in the sky, it was too dark to make out many details of the dead wasteland beneath her feet, but that in no way killed her wonderment. Looking out at the sky beyond was as if she were being sucked into a void of blackness that would keep her for the rest of her days. The tiny ice crystals in the silver clouds sparkled in the moonlight, reminding her that she was on an airship and the inky blackness was just sky and not a murderous void.
It was this very reason she loved being on the deck at night. She just wished that the railings were better reinforced. No one wanted an accidental fall to perdition.
The light flitting down from the heavens was bright enough to illuminate the deck of the Falcon and everything bolted to it. Towering masts held the hot air filled balloon in place. Setzer's personal helmsman's wheel for maneuvering and sight-seeing sat lonely and dead center. Like a figurehead, Celes sat at the bow of the ship with her legs dangling over the edge. Wait…
Terra had to rub her eyes to make sure that she hadn't hallucinated this particular scene. Celes was indeed seated precariously on the smooth wooden planks of the deck. The only things keeping her from sliding off were the two safety cross rails and possibly a whole heap of self-awareness. Her blonde hair and white cape, both a pleasing shade of silver in the dim light, whipped around from the lazy breeze of mid-atmospheric sky travel.
It was Celes? Celes was the one who wanted to meet with her in secret? This was an interesting turn of events and one that Terra mulled over in silence. What would Celes want to talk to her about away from the others? Granted, they were friends, but in her understanding of friendship, friends didn't sneak around. Did it have something to do with why the usually cautious woman would do something so foolhardy and potentially life-threatening as sitting on the edge of a fifty-thousand-foot drop? With the slightest lurch or strong gust of wind, she could find herself on a one-way trip to perdition. This was very much unlike her.
Terra considered being overly quiet or leaving Celes where she was to be out of the question. On the other hand, too much noise and she could startle Celes into falling off the airship. Already thin from a year of illness and unconsciousness, she didn't need to be squashed even thinner after smashing into the ground from half an atmosphere away.
As she casually approached, she picked up on the quiet telltale signs of an individual attempting to mask their sadness. She knew the signs all too well, although the younger children almost always failed to hide tears. Celes was crying? Why? What happened? Since when did Celes even shed tears? Sadly, Terra didn't get the chance to ask anything before she was addressed. "You came."
"Well, considering that I was left a tantalizing unsigned note, I had to see what the fuss was about." Terra chuckled softly. "I was almost expecting to find Edgar and his grabby hands here."
Celes looked over her shoulder, allowing Terra to see the streaks of tears and the strands of hair they had collected. "Sorry. I forgot to sign it," she whispered with a tone that betrayed her melancholy. "Can we talk?"
This was an uncharacteristic side that Terra had never seen before. There were no issues with talking, but being a half inch away from perdition was not a good thing. She bent down and offered an outstretched hand. "Sure," she said. "As long as we can move away from the edge." She put forth her brightest smile in the hopes that it would spread like a disease if diseases brought happiness instead of illness. "If you fall, I'll be jumping after you. I really don't want that to happen, though. I'm quite attached to both of us being alive."
Embarrassment filled in the cracks of Celes' smile as she nodded. With the clasping of callused hands, Terra was allowed to haul her to her feet. Her goal had been to move the conversation elsewhere, but before that had been able to happen, she was the recipient of a hug that only an emotional person could give, tightly gripped and damn near suffocating. The whole thing was odd, but she wasn't going to complain. She liked hugs and to receive one from someone who never gave them was the greatest treasure of all. And to view the world from between strands of moonlit silver… Celes' hair gave Terra a glimpse of how the sky would look if moonbeams were real, tangible things that could be seen. It was a wonderful and beautiful sight.
"When this is over… The fight with Kefka, I mean…" Terra felt the back of her dress become bunched in a fist. "I want to go with you."
"To Mobliz?" Terra said with confusion threatening to lift one of her eyebrows. "But why? What could possibly be in Mobliz for you?"
"I can protect you from monsters and bandit raids. Probably the only thing I'm good at." Celes' self-deprecating tone had been too obvious to miss.
Terra couldn't hide the frown that spread from one side of her chin to the other. As much as she'd enjoy the company of her closest friend, she did not like that tone. Something was amiss. She broke the embrace and attempted to study the eyes that kept trying to avoid her own. "I thought you and Locke had made plans…"
"Not anymore. I'm a cold-blooded killer," Celes said with a sigh. "I don't know the first thing about homemaking or how to be nurturing, even if someone smacked me in the face with the manual. We talked and decided to go our separate ways."
"Well, that's a big change," Terra said. "I can certainly understand why you'd want to talk about it." She had no relationship experience to speak of, but she did know (courtesy of Edgar) that first attempts at such rarely lasted forever. While it was sad, she was glad that the two of them had mutually agreed to disagree rather than Hindenburg the airship and kill all on board.[1]
"That's not what I wanted to talk about," Celes said, the levees in her eyes threatening to break once again. "I've been thinking about you a lot lately. And I'm sorry."
Terra was surprised with this new information. If that had been her, she'd be discussing a souring relationship nonstop. She took Celes' hands in hers to show support. "Well, we're friends," she said. "I'd hope that you think of me some of the time. And don't apologize. You have nothing to apologize for."
"I failed you."
Failed? What was that supposed to mean? Celes had saved her life multiple times in battle, just as Terra had done the same. It was because of Celes that they were even standing on this airship having this conversation. "You haven't failed me," Terra said. She studied the pale, tear-streaked face opposite hers and realized that Celes was more upset about this than she had been with discussing her failure with Locke. "You haven't failed me at all."
Celes sniffled and dabbed at her tears with a corner of her cape. "I failed you the most," she muttered. "I knew what Cid had been doing to you in the Devil's Lab. I knew that Kefka had enslaved you, tortured you, and paraded you around the Imperial Palace like some kind of…"
Terra suspected that Celes couldn't bring herself to say the word that had been intended. Slave, pet, experiment. Any of those words or their variants would do; all best described how the Empire, and Kefka especially, had treated her. "I still believe in you," she said as she brushed away the blonde locks hiding a sorrowful face. Celes had a beautiful smile, despite its rarity. Or maybe the fact it was rare was why it was so beautiful to begin with. Terra flashed hers again in the hopes that it would infect the other woman and bring forth its unique wonderfulness.
"I don't understand why," Celes said. She looked away to stare out into the inky blackness beyond the railing, as if she'd find her understanding out there somewhere. "I did nothing to stop it. I knew it was wrong. I hated seeing it. I hated hearing about it. But I could have done something and… I chose to do nothing. Like Maranda, it still haunts me."
Terra sighed. "Celes, look at me." When actions failed to follow the command, she placed her hands on Celes' cheeks, squashing them together and pursing out thin lips. She physically forced their gazes to meet. "You could have done something, but the goddess of time grabbed us by the wrists and directed us where to go for a reason. It's in the past, Celes. You made a mistake, something we're all capable of."
"It doesn't make me feel better. If only I had—"
"It's a past that I don't remember," Terra said with a huff. "And if the stories of what happened to me and what I did during that time are true, I'm quite happy being clueless. Please stop torturing yourself over this."
"I can't help it," Celes continued in protest. "I've killed, tortured, and waged war in the name of some bearded jerk in a palace who gave contradicting orders from afar."
"A bearded jerk who dug his own grave. You've more than made up for it. You brought us all together. You've inspired us all to band together to face Kefka. If anyone deserves happiness, it's you."
"Thank you, Miss Exposition." Celes placed her hands on the railing before her and leaned into it. "But how many innocents died before we got here?" she muttered. "Is this world even all that habitable any longer?"
Terra sighed again and embraced her friend with a hug from the side. "This isn't like you." She watched as falling tears glinted in the moonlight before disappearing either on the railing or over the edge.
"My first thought as a child after waking up in the Devil's Lab," Celes said, "had been wanting death to ease the pain of liquid ice flowing in my veins. After killing innocents and children at Maranda, I thought about running myself through with my sword to escape the realization of what I had done. When I had been accused of treason, taken to South Figaro, and tortured, I wanted nothing more than the sweet caress of death to ease my anguish." She let out a stifled sob with a shake of her head leading Terra to mistakenly believe the rant was over. "'Surely,' I thought, 'this is my punishment for my misdeeds.' Then came Locke to 'save' me from my deserved fate, only to reunite me with you and to introduce me to Cyan; both of you reminding me of my failure to—"
Who was Miss Exposition now? Terra decided that words alone wouldn't stop this lead zeppelin of negative thought and tried the first action that came to mind. She cupped a hand on a tear slick cheek and forced Celes to look her in the eye. With her other hand, she grabbed Celes by the waist to pull her closer. The vocal noise stopped, leaving only the silence of a stiffened, surprised expression and the mechanical sound of the airship's engines and propellers to fill their ears. The entire chain of events felt like it had taken an eternity to play out, but in reality happened so quickly that neither had a chance to dodge the awkward energy that warmth and soft lips created.
At first, it felt as if time had forgotten how to keep flowing forward. Then went Terra's sense of self; what had been her was no longer herself, but an exciting fusion of the two of them. All sense of direction became muddled and confusing. Up became down, left became right, down became forward and slightly to the left. The chilly air became warm and balmy.
It felt like a fast-paced eternity had passed when Terra became aware of Celes loosening from her statuesque posture, wrapping her arms around her neck, and doubling down on trying to press the two of them into one. Terra squeaked out the sides of her busy mouth when she was quickly backed into the wooden railing, effectively becoming trapped. She was now a half inch between a loving embrace and perdition; the only things keeping her from falling were thin boards, warm arms, and rhythmic magnetic lips.
"Why are you kissing me?" Celes whispered in between their deep breaths and dancing lips.
"Why are you kissing me?" Terra parroted back just as breathlessly. She felt hands grab her on the hips and lift her to a sitting position on the railing behind her. That half inch had just become one false move. Her heart was pounding so hard that it felt like it was going to burst through her chest. Her face felt so flushed that she could possibly fry eggs on her cheeks. The danger of the situation only seemed to expand the excitement in ways she could never have imagined. …And she loved it.
"Because you kissed me first."
"Well, you can stop it, then." All movement came to a halt as if time had become even further confused with a Stop spell, allowing Terra to get lost in Celes' eyes. It was hard to discern what kind of thoughts were being thought because of the darkness, but it was heart-racingly exciting just the same. "Are you okay?" Terra said with the softness of a down-stuffed pillow. Truth be told, she wasn't okay. She wanted time to rewind them back to those tender moments they had just shared.
A glowing smile threatened to break through the cracks of Celes' frown, a truth behind a façade that made Terra shiver with warmth. She loved seeing that smile and before she knew it, that smile was mixing with her own. She could feel it spread throughout the two of them like a wildfire. With a brief moment of air, Celes softly lamented, "What have you done to me?"
Terra tried wiggling free and stifling her giggles as Celes moved on to kissing and nibbling her neck and shoulders. "I haven't done anything!" she squealed. She once more gave a half-hearted attempt to push herself free, but there was no budging. She had meant to say, "Other than maybe put a smile on your face," but a majority of that had been mumbled into Celes' open lips when the action had returned to where it had originated. Beyond that, her first thought was that this wasn't the behavior of friends. Her second thought was reminding herself that she had started this mess. Her third, fourth, and fifth thoughts were to throw her arms around Celes' neck, to bugger it all, and to enjoy the fun while it lasted.
Sadly, the fun didn't last as long as she had hoped. The two separated at Celes' lead and merely breathed heavily at each other. Again, Terra tried to read Celes' thoughts through her almond eyes, but could find nothing other than a glowing smile. As a bonus, tears had stopped. Of all the things she could have done to bring out that smile, why she had chosen this method, something she had never done or thought about before, she didn't know. Maybe it had been an adaptation of what she did with her adopted children. A kiss on their little foreheads when they were upset would cause them to hug her in delight.
Maybe that's why she had done it; all for a hug or maybe even a smile. Maybe it had been a method to express to her friend that she did care and felt no ill will towards her or the past. Maybe it had been partially Edgar's fault. "When two people feel strongly for each other, they embrace and kiss," he had said. "Now, Terra, whenever it is that you are ready, I shall welcome you with open arms." Unfortunately for Edgar, it hadn't been him who had been the lucky recipient of an Ultima's amount of excitement. And all of this from a tender gesture as simple as a kiss!
"Do you feel better now?" Terra gingerly asked.
"Why didn't you tell me that you felt this way?" She couldn't figure out if Celes was happy or angry. If she went by facial expression, it was one. By vocal tone, it was the other. So confusing. Although truth be told, she didn't know how to feel about the situation either. She was now questioning everything she thought she knew about her sexuality, not that she had ever really thought about it before this moment.
"I thought that you knew that we were friends."
"No, I mean that you were romantically interested."
Terra could only stare at Celes with a strange combination of horror, excitement, and pleasure that caused butterflies to appear in her belly and her heart to feel as if it were going to burst. That was romance? What was she thinking? Of course, it was. That was what Duane and Katarin did when they snuck off to be alone. Since that was the case, then she could totally be open to the idea. "If that means what I think it means, then I hadn't realized that I was," she said. "Though, I could probably ask you the same question."
"You kissed me," Celes said flatly.
"And just who did the kissing the second time around?" Terra said with a smile and a shot of sarcasm.
"I'm sorry."
Celes withdrew in embarrassment, allowing Terra the space to return her feet to the safety of floorboards. She quickly closed the gap between them and took a hand in hers. "Please, stop apologizing," she said. "I don't like having a friend who never sees the good in what she does." It wasn't long before she felt a trembling hand brushing her hair from her ear. She couldn't help but lean into it.
"I don't deserve you."
"You deserve whatever your heart desires."
"I…want to make it up to you."
Terra chuckled before standing on her tiptoes to rest her forehead on Celes'. She made sure to keep eye contact, despite everything going fuzzy and dark from the closeness. "You don't have to make anything up to me," she said.
"I want to protect you," Celes said. "I want to keep you safe from the dangers of the world. I owe you at least that."
"You don't owe me anything." Terra's heart broke when Celes started withdrawing from the world once again. She embraced her and whispered in her ear, "However, I won't say no on the condition that you allow me to protect you."
"I don't need—"
Terra stood on her tiptoes again to kiss Celes on the forehead. "Yes, you do," she said. "I'm going to make it my mission to protect you from this silly mind of yours that enjoys torturing itself."
Only for a moment did a scowl splash across Celes' face. It soon drained away and left an uncharacteristic shy smile in its wake, the exact kind of smile that Terra melted over. The embrace that they shared became tighter before another kiss weaseled itself into existence at Celes' insistence. If this was romance, Terra now understood why it played such a large part of the human condition. For the longest time, she had been under the impression that such things only happened between a man and a woman. Had Edgar misled her? Or had it just been that she had finally arrived at the right moment with the right person to discover it?
"So… What now?" The awkwardness in Celes' tone was unmistakable, just as it was awkward in not knowing whether to continue embracing or to separate.
"We both had an exhausting day," Terra said. "Why don't we try to get some sleep? It must be really late."
Celes shook her head. "I actually meant 'with us,' but…" She sighed and leaned up against the railing. "You go ahead. I'd like to stay out here to watch the stars."
Terra reinitialized the embrace with Celes. The truth was, she was tired, but something told her that walking away at this point would not be beneficial. "Actually, I think I'd like that too," she said. Any doubt she may have had was tossed overboard the moment Celes' face lit up brighter than the moon in the sky. "And about us. Let's see what tomorrow brings."
Celes had wanted to watch the stars. There was a funny thing about that that Terra realized: her eyes were not on the stars. "I think it's past midnight," Celes said wistfully.
Of course, it never dawned on Terra that she wasn't looking at the stars either. It didn't even dawn on her that Celes once again had her pinned against the railing, a half inch between perdition and a loving embrace. She leaned in close to an ear and whispered, "Then let's see what today brings."
[1] The Hindenburg had been the very first airship created in Jidoor. It had been a well-structured balloon-styled ship, but suffered from a run of bad luck upon its first voyage that unchilled the wine, spoiled the mushroom sauce, and unchecked passengers' coats. This sad tale ended with the airship crashing to the ground in a ball of flame seen from miles away. It hadn't been until an investigation by Figaro, completed years later, did they discover that the captain had managed to sneak his cigarettes on board and lit one up too close to the hydrogen pumps.