Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to James Bond or Keeping Up Appearances. They are owned by their respective UK-based companies. (Please read and review this work afterwards)
One Frost in the House of Bucket
MI6 agent Miranda Frost (a double agent in reality) exited her rented bungalow on Blossom Avenue in Warwickshire, ready to carry out her mission given to her by M a few weeks ago. The mission, which she heartily accepted, was to infiltrate a ring of Russian operatives who were suspected of illegally selling weapons in exchange for British intelligence secrets. This was a serious situation, according to the British government, and the Russians had to be stopped at all costs. Miranda, being fluent in Russian and knowing everything there was to know about Russian affairs, was the ideal agent to carry out this dangerous mission, and she was ready for action.
A lovely young woman of steely confidence and determination, Miranda was also tall, with long blonde hair and piercing blue eyes, but more importantly, she was very athletic, having won the gold medal in fencing at the Sydney Olympics by default. Her athleticism had helped her escape many sticky situations when it was needed. She was also quite smart, having been educated at Harvard University in the States, where she graduated with honors in Russian studies and English literature. It was quite an impressive feat for a lady whose father was a professor at Oxford and mother a classical pianist.
The day was overcast and chilly, so Miranda had made sure to put on some warm attire. This morning, she had put on a low-neck sweater, scarf, black riding boots, and a pair of jeans. The neighborhood in which Blossom Avenue was located was considered to be a decent, middle-class section of town but Miranda wanted to keep as low of a profile as possible. She walked out from her front yard and began to head towards the center of town.
"I must call M at some point today to update her on the situation with those Russians," Miranda said to herself as she strolled briskly down the sidewalk. "I need to tell her that several of those men are possibly living right here on Blossom Avenue and that reinforcements must come in as soon as possible."
As if on cue, as she was walking down the sidewalk, Miranda spotted two burly men jogging in the opposite direction on the other side of the street. She could have sworn that she had seen those two guys before. Then, all of a sudden, it hit her: She had seen the two in pictures M had shown her before she left London. They were named Valeri and Dimitriev, and they were part of the Russian gang suspected of stealing British intelligence.
Miranda gasped in shock, and leaped behind the wall of a nearby house in order to take cover. Luckily, the ground was flat, so she was okay. She quickly ducked below the top edge of the wall and watched as the two Russians kept jogging, then disappeared as they turned into the next street. The fearless secret agent breathed a sigh of relief, then started to get up. Miranda needed to get to the center of town because she needed to meet up with James Bond. He was going to give her some necessary information in order to make her job easier. However, the meeting with Bond would eventually wait for a long while, as she found out all too quickly.
"Good morning, madam!" A high-pitched, shrill female voice, more like borderline screeching, came from behind Miranda. She nearly jumped ten feet into the air, due to the fact that she was taken by complete surprise by a strange woman yelling at her. The younger lady turned around to face the new person who had the nerve to greet her in that sort of manner.
"What brings you to hide in a discreet manner above my polished brick wall?" The older woman asked. She appeared to be about as tall as Miranda, only she was middle-aged, more rounder, and- shall we say- a trifle perfect in the clothing department.
"Uh," Miranda began, "I was, um, trying to observe the birds..."
"Good gracious, dear! You're going to catch your death of cold out in my drive! Why don't you come in for a hot coffee? My neighbor Elizabeth is already inside enjoying coffee and biscuits; we do this every morning!" The older lady said cheerfully. Miranda noticed that the nameplate on the post at the entrance to the drive read "Bucket."
"Well, I am in a bit of a hurry, but that is very nice of you, Mrs. Bucket," said Miranda.
Now the older woman shot Miranda a disapproving look. "It's 'Bouquet,' dear. B-U-C-K-E-T. My husband comes from an old medieval line of French aristocrats! (This actually wasn't true.) Come to think of it, I've noticed you walking around my neighborhood in the past few days. Are you the new young lady who just moved into number 113 down the street?"
"Why, yes I am," replied Miranda. "My name is Miranda. Miranda Frost. I'm a university student doing field research in the area." She gave this explanation to the older lady so that she wouldn't blow her cover as a secret agent.
"Oooh!" Cried the woman, in a tone so shrill that it made Miranda wince, "My Sheridan is at a polytechnic of university standard! By the way, my name is Hyacinth 'Bouquet.' I am most celebrated around this neighborhood and town for my candlelight suppers. People can't resist invitations to my candlelight suppers. They are important social events that are not to be missed!"
Miranda gave Hyacinth, her new temporary neighbor, a strange look. She had only been in the neighborhood a few weeks; however, while attending services at St. Mark's Parish last Sunday, she had been warned by the vicar's wife to beware of "the Bucket woman," the lady who caused everyone around her to live in fear. Yes, Miranda was a secret agent, but she had never met or seen someone as snobbish or self-absorbed as this Hyacinth character.
"Well, don't just stand there, Miranda! Your coffee's going to get cold," noted Hyacinth.
"Really, Mrs. Buck- no, 'Bouquet,' I'm terribly sorry, but I-" Miranda didn't get to complete her sentence as Hyacinth grabbed her arm and began to whisk her into the house. "No, you must come in and have a cup before you go into town!" Hyacinth said as she quickly led her younger new friend into her immaculately-kept home. "I have to know all my new neighbors because they will soon get invitations to my upscale abode! Which, by the way, has a three-piece suite in the lounge. It's an exact replica of one at Sandringham House!" Hyacinth was all smiles as she shut the front door behind her. Miranda rolled her eyes and took a deep breath. She knew she was in for an interesting adventure.
"Oh, take off your boots, dear! I can't bear the thought of those things coming down on my hardwood floors," Hyacinth exclaimed as she was polishing her telephone. Again, Miranda took a breath. She hadn't thought about removing her boots, and she was almost insulted. Reluctantly, she took off the boots and placed them on the spotless floor mat in front of the door. For a rare time in her life, Miranda was speechless. The house was a monument of perfection! There was not a spot of dust on the floors or walls, and everything was polished to an extremely high standard. Clearly, she was in the presence of a woman who was immensely proud of her home.
"Come along, dear, to the kitchen," Hyacinth said to Miranda. The younger woman nervously followed Hyacinth. "Mind the wallpaper!" Hyacinth suddenly screeched. "I can't have anyone brushing up against my wallpaper! I had the walls redone a few months ago. The wallpaper is just like the one used at Windsor Castle!" Miranda rolled her eyes and continued to follow Hyacinth into the kitchen.
There was a nervous-looking, middle-aged woman sitting alone at the table as Hyacinth and Miranda walked in. Elizabeth Warden had lived next door to Hyacinth and her husband Richard for many years. Today, she was wearing a bright blue dress, and her short blonde hair was cropped perfectly and trimmed in a neat manner (as Hyacinth had requested many times before). For some reason, she always seemed to spill things in Hyacinth's house, whether it was coffee, biscuits or any sort of food. No matter what it was, she almost always became a nervous wreck while visiting the Buckets.
"Elizabeth!" Hyacinth shouted excitedly as the kitchen door burst open, causing her nervous neighbor to drop her biscuit into her coffee cup. "I have a guest who'll be joining us for coffee this morning! Now I want you to meet this fine young lady who just moved into number 113 down the street. She's in our area doing field research for her university project!"
"How do you do, madam?" Miranda said as she extended her hand. "I'm Miranda"
"Oh, hello. My name's Elizabeth," said Hyacinth's neighbor. "I live in the house right next door. Hyacinth and I have coffee each and every single morning, don't we, Hyacinth?"
"Oh of course dear!" Hyacinth exclaimed in her usual shrill voice. "She always comes round for coffee, Miranda! It's been a tradition of ours for a very long time. Although Elizabeth is quite prone to dropping things all over the place; I don't know why. Now you sit there- oh, not at that chair, dear! I like to look out the kitchen window!"
Miranda took a long, deep breath, then sat down in a chair next to Elizabeth. They were facing Hyacinth at the counter, where she was preparing more coffee and biscuits. Miranda couldn't believe her eyes- yes, she had been in numerous homes and venues before, but she couldn't remember a time where she had been inside a kitchen as neat and as proper as Hyacinth's. The sink- oh, the sink! It was so shiny that one could see his or her reflection in it. At any rate, Miranda knew that she would be in for quite the visit at the Bucket house.
"What would you like your coffee in, Miranda?" Hyacinth asked her new friend.
"Oh, I'll have it in a-" Miranda never got to finish saying what she had to say, as Hyacinth interjected once again.
"Why don't you have your coffee in a beaker?" Hyacinth cheerfully exclaimed. "After all, I wouldn't want to risk you drinking your coffee from one of my Royal Doultons. You know, the ones with the hand-painted periwinkles! It's the same brand the queen uses at Buckingham Palace!"
Miranda sighed. "Is she always acting like this, Elizabeth? Trying to make sure that she's better than everyone else around her?" She whispered to the longtime neighbor of Hyacinth.
"All the time, Miranda!" Elizabeth whispered back. "She's always inviting all sorts of people to her candlelight suppers. Although her last one was a disaster- Councillor Mrs. Nugent fell asleep during dessert!"
"There you are, dear!" Hyacinth said as she placed a beaker of coffee in front of Miranda. "Now mind the table when you drink it! I've just finished putting my usual two coats of polish on it! Richard knows I like a clean table!"
Suddenly, Miranda felt very nervous. As she tried to pick up her beaker, her hands trembled and she was having difficulty trying to bring it up to her lips. She had never felt so nervous in her life before. Maybe it was the thought of seeing the Russians on the street a few moments ago, or perhaps it was the uncomfortable feeling of being in the house of a well-known snob. Elizabeth smiled to herself. Although she didn't know it, a fearless, young secret agent was now turning into a poor, nervous wreck! That's what Hyacinth's coffee sessions usually did to unsuspecting visitors.
"Oooh!" shrieked Hyacinth in a tone so loud that it caused both Elizabeth and Miranda to drop their beakers on the table with a loud 'clank.' "I forgot the biscuits! Ah, there they are- they're still on the countertop!" She quickly retrieved the plate of biscuits and offered them to her guests. Both ladies obliged and took one each, despite the fact that Elizabeth had dropped one in her beaker earlier. Miranda chomped hers rather nervously, not knowing what "the Bucket woman" was going to do next.
Just then, the telephone rang. "Oooh!" Hyacinth screeched as she jumped out from her chair to race to the phone, and as she did so, Miranda and Elizabeth, as if on cue, dropped their biscuits into their coffee. Miranda let out a little cry as she pondered the fact that she was becoming more and more nervous with the passing of minutes. Unfortunately, Hyacinth popped back in to drop off her own coffee cup, and without thinking, gave it to Miranda. The younger lady shrieked as she struggled to keep both beakers in her hands- they were trembling so hard that coffee was spilling onto the table!
Meanwhile, Hyacinth had gotten to the phone just in time and she answered it with her usual greeting: "The 'Bouquet' residence, the lady of the house speaking! Oh, it's you, Daisy, how are you, dear?"
Turning her head towards the kitchen, Hyacinth announced to her guests, "It's ma' sister Daisy! Unfortunately, she's not the one with the swimming pool, Mercedes and a sauna! And there's certainly no room for a pony!"
Miranda and Elizabeth rolled their eyes, as if they didn't care in the first place. They were hastily cleaning the table so that Hyacinth wouldn't see the mess they had made when she came back in.
"Daisy, how come you're calling round here, dear?" Hyacinth asked as she continued to talk to her lower-class sister. "By the way, is Onslow wearing a shirt? Make sure Onslow's wearing a shirt- he can't go out in public in just a vest! Oh, it's Daddy now! What's wrong with Daddy? He's got a new woman? She doesn't speak much English, you say! How much is 'much?' None, eh? Why on earth are you calling her Mrs. Thing? She's Polish, is she? Well, find out how to pronounce her name, dear! You can't keep calling her Mrs. Thing! What is it? It's Zbynek- Zbygn- Zbyng? Oh, very well then! If you want to call her Mrs. Thing, then do so, Daisy!"
With that, Hyacinth hung up the phone and walked back to the kitchen where her guests were waiting- nervously, at that. Taking her place at the table, she quickly snatched up her cup of coffee, while Elizabeth and Miranda took great care not to tremble so as to avoid spilling more coffee onto Hyacinth's precious table.
"Where were we? Oh yes, we were talking about the plans for this evening! This neighborhood will see very important action! It's important that Richard and I remain socially mobile! Now, do you have any plans for yourself tonight, dear?" Hyacinth asked Miranda.
"Actually, I do have a few plans," Miranda replied. "I was going to finish up a report I started a few days ago on the history of the Warwickshire area." In reality, Miranda had a dinner date with Bond up in Coventry. He was going to tell her about some intelligence he had gathered while spying on the Russians during his field mission.
"Oh, you must save that report for later!" Hyacinth exclaimed in an excited tone. "I don't want you sitting all alone in your home for the evening. Wait- I just had an idea! Elizabeth, this is exciting! Miranda, I want you to come over tonight, to my 'outdoors-indoors luxury barbecue' with finger buffet! You've got to come, dear, Richard and I are having C.P. Benedict here! Yes, 'that' C.P. Benedict! He's the garden center king, as you know! He has been a local television celebrity for years!"
Miranda winced in pain. She was now dreading the thought of having to go back to Hyacinth's house for an event that she had never heard of, as well as that of being in the presence of a woman whom she had barely known for an hour. "Uh, Mrs. 'Bouquet,' what is an outdoors-indoors barbecue?"
"Oh, it's a social occasion I've invented, dear!" Hyacinth replied. "I intend to bring the outdoors, indoors. Yes, Richard is out right now getting some plants to place in the lounge. It will be a superb gathering! It also gives me the opportunity to hold a better event than the Barker-Finches across the street! You know how they are, right, Elizabeth?"
Elizabeth and Miranda looked at each other nervously. As their faces fell, they knew that it was going to be a long, long day with the one and only lady of the house- Hyacinth Bucket, pronounced "Bouquet."