Bleeding Heart (Tifa's Scrapbook)
Note: This work is a companion piece to my first story in the Heart series, Psych Heart.
It is rated M for Abuse, Extreme Violence, and Sexuality.
Also, all song quotes in this chapter are the sole rights of Steve Taylor, and the Sparrow Corporation.
Chapter One- My One Thousand Words
Despair- A poem by Tifa Marie Lockheart
The blistering folds
of my skin run deep
with despair I sense
from before the first punch.
Within the crease
of a life lived out,
the question remains
in the pit of my being:
How did things change
here so suddenly
from romance today
to this hell for always?
12/26/1999
(1 text message sent)
Cloud,
I notice things. Seeing Sephiroth again opened up so many holes in your soul, doesn't it? We've passed the test, and the world is safe, so why are we back at dilly-dally-shilly-shally?
Every time something bad happens, you turn and run inwardly. I've seen a change in you ever since Kadaj, you know. It seems like you're becoming more and more aggressive. I realize that 'you're just Cloud', but why more so now than before? It just doesn't make sense.
Yesterday, you seemed so empty and removed from all of the Christmas traditions that you love. Cloud, let's be honest. Anytime we get together, and make love, it's electric. But you really disappointed me last night. When you had me at my peak, you were silent. The only sounds of the night were my moans and the crickets.
What's up? I know something has to be wrong. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but plenty of men would give their left arm for ten minutes with me. What about you?
Marlene and Denzel are worried. The way you took off without notice, I guess they assumed we had been fighting. Maybe not verbally, but are we, Cloud? This bed's lonely without you.
Desperately Waiting,
Tifa
(Notes from a Christmas Radio)
"Hey, this is Johnny James Jerrason, and you're listening to all the soft rock classics of the nightcap on 92.2 FM, WPSY: Psychic Radio, where we play the tunes in your head and the music of your soul. This next song is a listener request: 'Total Eclipse Of The Heart'. This goes out to Cloud Strife from Tifa Lockheart, who loves you…"
"…Today's Dow Jones Industrial Average closed at a mark of 46 Billion shoes. Today's business commentary is brought to you be B.F. Hudwick: 'When money talks, people listen'. Some businesses facing bankruptcy have been forced to make the most painful of decisions. The real test is to keep the doors open. Even in good times, small businesses have a high 'strangle rate'…."
"…It's 10 PM. Do you know where your husband is?..."
(He'd better not be with some cheap blonde tramp, that's for sure.)
"…You say faith is a crutch for a mind that closed? You guzzle your crutch, and shove it up your nose!..."
"….Nobel prizes would have been nice, but he lost his mind to renegade mice…"
The clock struck 11 PM, and I did something that I'd never done before. I took a bottle of wine from my inventory here at the bar, and just chugged it. I returned to the radio, slightly buzzed.
(I'm way too young to introspect.)
"….So I was a young mother on welfare…."
(Is the baby on welfare, too?)
"…I'd watch it all burn to buy another sunrise…"
(I just know I'll be feeling this in the morning. And if people ask? Answer no one, let them guess.)
I take the last dreadful swig. Since I gave up hope, I feel a lot better. I predict by morning that I won't even care.
1/1/2000
Dear Diary,
Y2K didn't come, but my world feels like it just ended. Cloud came home, late as usual, and was requesting his supper. Keep in mind, this is seven in the morning. Of course, I didn't have it ready. Cloud was more belligerent than ever, but I never expected what would happen next.
Cloud Strife punched me, right in the eye. I know what you're thinking: I'm a fighter, so I could have stopped him. You're absolutely right. So why did I fall to the floor and cry like a baby?
I could see in his eyes the teal and green colors becoming more prominent. He was overloading on Mako.
Suddenly, the stupidest statement I could have ever said slipped through my lips:
"Is that all? Please, do it again! Come on, Cloud! Hit me again."
So that's why I let him get away with it. It's why I've been fighting battles for all these years:
Tifa Marie Lockheart is an extreme masochist.
(scrawled in Sharpie on a 7th Heaven mug)
'It's not a bruise, it's a black-and-blue Olympic medal.'
1/6/2000
Dear Diary,
If I take a look deeply into the person that I have been, and the person that I want to be, they are exactly the same. As for the person that I am now? Eh, not so much. My 'raccoon eye' is healing nicely, and I don't have anymore to accompany it (yet). Somehow, I am conflicted. Once upon a time, I believed that this would have been a 'dealbreaker'. Why do things have to change? Why must I have been built to be a glutton for punishment?
Am I the only woman in the world that skipped for joy when I was sent to my room?
Am I the only woman in the world whose ears perked in anticipation at the words 'You're in for a big spanking when your father gets home'?
Am I the only woman in the world who has experimented with cutting for pleasure, instead of release?
Am I the only woman in the world?