Positive Body Image

A Naruto oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

Rating: M

Genre: Humor

Characters/Pairings: Anko; [Anko x Dango/Feeling Comfortable with the Body She's In]

Summary: Some people complain about Anko being chubby in the epilogue. This is her response to them. [ranty, pro-epilogue, spoilers for end of the series, etc.]

Hey.

Hey. You.

Yeah, you. C'mere.

Yeah, I'm Anko Mitarashi. Yeah I've put on some weight in the last decade. You wanna make something of it smartass?

Oh no you don't. Get back here, dammit. You really think I'm gonna let you run off?

No, you're gonna sit right there and listen to me.

Are you one of those shallow cocksuckers who thinks it's the end of the fucking world just because I've put on a few pounds? That me being fat is some kind of horrible crime on Kishimoto's part?

You do?

Well, fuck you. You think I'm gonna put up with your shallow, sexist bullshit?

Yeah, let's face it. You're just upset about me getting chubby because now you can't jack off to me anymore. Real fucking tragedy.

But you know what? I'm not gonna take your shit. I'm fat and happy with it. I'm comfortable with the body I've got.

You think that's a terrible thing? Do you think I should be like one of those poor neurotic things who drive themselves into an early grave stressing out over their weight? Do you want me to make myself miserable just to maintain your shallow idea of a sexy figure?

Kiss my ass. I don't need your bullshit.

Have you ever been experimented on by someone you respected and admired? And I don't mean grade school science class kind of experiment. I mean sick, twisted, Jekyll and Hyde shit. You ever get sliced open and injected with a cocktail of chemicals, only to be told that the serum your trusted, beloved mentor has injected you with has a 90% fatality rate?

No?

Has the only person you ever trusted, the person who taught you everything you know, and shaped you into the person you are today, ever spit on everything you've ever believed, turned on you and dumped you on the roadside just because you weren't good enough for their sick fucking games?

No?

Then fuck off. I don't need your shallow, self-righteous bullshit.

Yeah, I'm fat. Sure, you could say I've let myself go.

But, so what? I've been putting my life on the line for my village since before I had my first period. I spent the first twenty-odd years of my life watching my friends die in senseless wars, fighting for ideals half of us had given up on.

You ever have someone die in your arms? You ever see more good men and women than you can count die pointless deaths in meaningless battles?

Have you ever been so desperate to kill someone you had once thought the world of, that you were perfectly willing to die as well, just so long as you could take that treacherous son of a bitch out of this world?

No?

You haven't?

Well, whoop-de-fucking-doo. Guess what that means?

Your opinion don't mean shit to me.

Yeah, I'm fat. I'm not as skinny or fit as I used to be. But do I look insecure, bitch?

No. I am Anko-FUCKING-Mitarashi, and I don't give a shit what you assholes think.

I am comfortable with my body. I am free from all of the bullshit that has haunted me since I was just a brat. If I wanna eat dango, I eat some goddamn dango. And if get fat from eating dango, then so what?

I am a positive fucking role model. A modern goddamn feminist.

If you pansy ass little shit-heads wanna bitch and moan about not being able to whack off to me just 'cause I've put on a little weight, then I gotta say that's your problem.

I am Anko Mitarashi. I am fat, and comfortable with the body I am in.

DEAL WITH IT.

A/N: Because someone had to come out and say it.

My personal opinions on certain... matters regarding the, ah, weight of particular characters in the epilogue are...

...like Anko's opinions. Just, y'know, said more politely.

Seriously, I mean I am a guy, and total pervert who has TOTALLY gotten years of mileage off of Anko's character, but... am I really the only person who finds it ridiculously shallow how so many people have been bitching about Anko being chubby in the epilogue?

I'm not even a feminist, and I find that whole fuss to be rather offensive. It's not even like Anko's weight is completely illogical, either – she is shown to eat several servings worth of dango in a single sitting, during the Chuunin Exams arc.

And the epilogue is set, what, ten, fifteen years after chapter 699? It's only natural she'd put on some weight, especially when the world is at peace and she's working a relatively physically undemanding teaching position at the academy.

Plus it would be terribly hypocritical of me to get angry at an author for making a fictional character chubby, no matter how much of a sex symbol that character may have been to a sizable part of the fandom.

Updated: 11-14-14

TTFN and R&R!

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