This Is No Beginning

by Thyme In Her Eyes

Author's Notes: Yup, another entry to the CxA Forum's 100 Themes Challenge. This piece was written with the theme "Chaos" in mind and takes place during the party's visit to Kalm, the day after Cloud tells his story of Sephiroth and Nibelheim. Enjoy, and please leave feedback!

-- THIS IS NO BEGINNING --

It had been raining quite hard the night before, but apart from a rare few overcast moments, the morning was bright and sunny with a cool breeze drifting on the air. Cloud was standing on the higher tier of the town of Kalm, leaning over the wall that surrounded the town and looking out at the world around him. The day was sunny and warm, but he was a sombre sight. His face was distant, rigid and unreadable as he began thinking again and again on things that hadn't troubled his mind for a while until recently, things he'd managed to mold into nothing more than background noise inside his mind. Things he's managed to keep out and stave off.

Sephiroth. Nibelheim. Five years ago… Remembering made his head throb with a sharp pain.

He was restless and keen to move on. When it was just Shinra he was up against, he'd mostly done it for the money, his own vengeance issues and his promise to Tifa notwithstanding, but Sephiroth was another creature entirely. Even five years on, the hatred was as raw as ever. The need for revenge broiled inside of him. He'd never felt so driven in his entire life, and was partially aware that he was towing the edge of rationality himself sometimes, but that wouldn't intimidate him or stop him. He'd follow Sephiroth to the end of the world if he had to, just to put a final end to the nightmare.

Last night he'd told everyone everything about his past, or at least everything he could recall – and he was painfully aware that his best recollection wasn't satisfactory; at least not for him. Since then he'd kept to himself, thinking things over. In the meantime his companions were clearly feeling on edge about Sephiroth, so conversation had fallen by the wayside. The journey from Midgar to Kalm had been cheerful and forward-looking, even celebratory considering their grand escape from Shinra, but the other night things had become far more serious than before and no-one had been left in the mood for talking. Even though the day was bright, the general mood was solemn, and Cloud guessed that the others was still affected by his story and still trying to sort out their own feelings. Everyone had to think about things, about what they were getting caught up in. Cloud didn't blame them – in fact, he was rather grateful for the change in mood. It made him feel unhappy and restless, but at least it gave him time to be alone for a while, to consider and reconsider things. He definitely felt that he needed time to reflect and confirm a few things to himself.

One day he wouldn't have to reflect any more, he hoped. One day everything that had come alive in his memories the other night would stay in the past and never bother him again. Painful memories would go away and revenge would end things. Someday soon, it'd be over. He'd get the chance to settle the score with Sephiroth, and then things would be different. He could lay the past to rest, let it go, get it out of his head at last. All he needed to do was keep moving.

He looked down at the fields just outside of the city. Tifa and Barret were there, practicing and training with each other. Maybe it was their own way of distracting themselves. From what he could see from his vantage-point at a distance, through a flurry of kicks and the colourful flashes of materia-spells, they looked too involved in what they were doing to have room for any unpleasant thoughts. Cloud envied them but felt too distant from both of them, particularly when they were together, to consider joining in and venting his frustrations the way they were.

Red XIII had called the horrible chaos of the Nibelheim incident and Sephiroth's fall into insanity a 'fascinating story', and Cloud supposed that he was right. If only I knew how it ends, he thought. Especially as it looked like it was only just beginning.

Truth was, Cloud wasn't surprised that Sephiroth was back in his life, as he'd always known deep down that this terrible chapter of his life wasn't finished, no matter how many years had passed since it started.

He sometimes wondered why it had to happen the way it did. Back in those days, he'd been Sephiroth's closest friend and war-buddy, and the memory of it still stung, as did knowing he could never understand what drove Sephiroth to do such unthinkable things. As far as Cloud was concerned, it ended with Sephiroth, but in moments of contemplation he forced himself to accept that it hadn't begun with him. Beyond and behind Sephiroth, who was the author of all this madness and bloodshed?

And what about the people he called friends now? Absently toying with his PHS, Cloud bit into his lower lip as he thought things over – he was drawing them all into a war with Shinra and Sephiroth and into the middle of his own personal vendetta, but were they ready for it? Could he look out for them all? They all seemed eager and confident, but what did he really know about judging people and what they could handle? His expectations were being turned on their head practically every day.

He wondered about Tifa especially. Not a word had passed between them since the previous night, and that conversation. He wondered how she felt, what was on her mind. She was hurting too, wasn't she? He'd seen the look on her face as he told his story, saw how pale and numb she seemed. Remembering what had happened was probably causing her more pain than she was letting on, and that made him feel concerned, but he didn't want to say anything. He'd half-expected her to maybe talk to him later about things, about what she was thinking and what she remembered, but instead she'd been as private as he had, if not more. It was a slight surprise to him, but not much. He didn't even know if he wanted to talk to her or not. It was all very confusing, and he didn't like being confused. He wanted to forget the whole thing. But besides, it wasn't as if he could have said anything to make her feel better, so it was probably best that she'd kept to herself – he'd have had no idea what to say to her.

He remembered watching Sephiroth nearly kill her. He remembered watching his hometown burn to the ground, his neighbours slaughtered, his family and friends murdered, and him not being able to do a thing about it. Nothing except watch the destruction and feel the hate rise in him and the pain choke him blind. He couldn't even avenge them. While he'd tried not to give the past and its horrors very much thought until now, it was always at the back of his mind, haunting him and governing all his actions. The past was so important; it always comes back to a person in the future, he believed. Especially his past. After all, there was no forgetting it. The horror, the betrayal, the desperation, the agony, the helplessness, the distress and the anger. The terrible pain. Cloud remembered them just as well as he recalled the scorching heat of the flames. The flames had left no mark on him, but the feelings had.

There were other marks on him however, and he'd refused to mention that when everyone asked what happened next after the confrontation at the Mako Reactor. He touched his chest lightly, just beneath his right shoulder. There was an ugly scar there, one he'd racked his brain over, but couldn't remember receiving. His body remembered what had happened to him, and he wished the rest of him could too.

It was a small mark, considering who he'd faced that night. It was a small mark to carry, considering what he'd failed to stop and all those people close to him that he'd failed to protect.

He blinked, and shook those unhelpful thoughts away. I was too young and too inexperienced back then…I was feeble. But now I'm grown. I will settle this, no matter what it takes. It'll end soon and it doesn't matter how so long as it's really over.

Of course, he didn't have a clue as to what he'd do with his life afterwards, but to put an end to the madness would somehow be enough. It was all he could think to ask for; the rest would be up to him, he supposed. Revenge would cleanse him and make him whole again for the first time in...as long as he could remember, strangely enough.

In a way it didn't even matter that Cloud wasn't sure how to exist after the chaos of memories, scars, fire and pain was finally put to rest. It didn't matter that he was clueless about what to prepare for when the raging storm within his memories was made tranquil and quiet at last. He'd survive well or badly, one or the other, and find his way in the end. And Sephiroth couldn't take any more away from him.

A hand touched his outer-wrist softly, startling him out of the chaos of his past, his need for revenge, and his doubts about the future. Kind and teasing green eyes, always glad to see him, met his own and Cloud smiled in spite of himself, feeling bewilderingly pleased to see her too. She brought another kind of chaos to light when she was around him, but the awkward disorder of his thoughts, the lameness of the few things he said, and the anarchic rebellion of his smiling mouth was always weirdly okay with him. Her smile was friendly and open, always catching him off-guard and melting his walls and bravado, and could throw him so off-course and off-balance that Cloud half-believed she'd leave him out of breath forever.

"Hey," she said gently. "You looked a bit lonely up here."

"Hi, Aeris."

-- FIN --