The Doctor stared up at the night sky from the Tyler's garden !-- page { size: 8.5in 11in; margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } --
Author's note: I wanted more closure for Rose and human-Doctor after season four's finale. I especially wondered what human-Doctor must be thinking and feeling after the whole thing, since the episode doesn't give us much of his perspective. This story is meant to follow his thoughts, so it's intentionally a bit rambling and repetitive. (I also wrote this before seeing the alternate/deleted ending for "Journey's End," so this fic follows the canon ending, i.e. no piece of TARDIS.) Please read and review!
The Doctor stared up at the night sky from the Tylers' garden. His mind was whirling with so many thoughts and so much emotion, it seemed like his head should burst. Yet it also felt...strangely still. He realized, as he thought about his new and unique situation, that he didn't actually know what it felt like to have the full consciousness of a Time Lord inside his head. Not in this head, in this body. He didn't know what it physically felt like. Yet he was still new enough, still close enough to his old self to remember what it felt like. At least he thought he did. And this cacophony of thoughts seemed like a dull murmur in comparison to what he could remember.
When he—the other he, the old him—had left with Donna, he—the new him, that is—had taken Rose's hand and with her watched the TARDIS fade away. He had watched Rose's face, knowing what she must be thinking…how torn she must be. He tried not to take it personally. He shouldn't, at any rate. He couldn't blame her for being confused, angry, frustrated, hurt. How hard it must be for her to wrap her head around the fact that he was real and yet...not. He wasn't the "real" Doctor, not the original. But he was real, and he was the Doctor. Just...not exactly, anymore.
It was so complicated; thinking about it only made it make less sense. He knew who he was, and he knew who he had been, what he had done, what he had seen and thought and felt. He was the Doctor all right, right up until the point that he realized he wasn't. He was part human now. Therefore he couldn't be the Doctor. Not the real one.
He had all of his memories from before the biological metacrisis, yes. He had the same knowledge. He remembered the countless battles; the victories and devastating losses; the many companions, like a second family—all of them dear to him, all important. He remembered the joy, the loneliness, the tears, the rage, the guilt, the fear, and the love. He remembered Rose.
But his path and that of the "real" Doctor had split, and there was no denying that the "real" him was out there, in another universe, traveling in his (because yes, it was his) TARDIS. Was he really the Doctor without the TARDIS, without time and space travel, without the constant roaring hum of the universe in his head? Was he really himself if he was here, in a human body with one heart and a relatively quiet mind, bound to one time, one planet, and one dimension for the rest of his life—which, by the way, had been drastically shortened? And if he couldn't answer that question for himself, how could Rose ever answer it? He certainly couldn't expect her to.
He lowered his head and gazed mindlessly into the grass, wet with fresh dew. Was it possible to feel jealous of oneself? Apparently so. After everything he and Rose had been through—after his hesitation had cost him what he thought was his last chance to tell her what she meant to him—after the Earth and the universe had been saved yet again and they were given a miraculous, impossible, undreamed-of second chance, he had finally, finally held her close to him without restraint and felt her warm lips on his new, human ones...for mere moments before she was distracted by his other self. As the TARDIS had left for the last time with Donna and the other him inside, Rose had chased after it for a few steps before hesitating. It was all too fast for her. How could he blame her for still looking to the other him, the "real" him? Even though it was he, he himself in the here and now, who had finally said what he knew she had for years longed to hear, he was still new to her. A familiar shell, but really just a copy—and if he couldn't understand what or who he was yet, how could she? And yet, here he was feeling jealous of his old self for holding her attention and her heart when he was right there in front of her, willing and finally able to offer her his.
He sighed and rubbed his face in his hands. He realized suddenly that he had a splitting headache. It was infuriating, really, to be given such an indescribable gift—a chance at a life that had only been a fantasy before, the only adventure he thought he could never have—and then have it tarnished by jealousy and fear. Oh yes, fear. Fear that Rose would never stop turning her head to look for that other him, never stop listening for the sound of the TARDIS that would never come. Fear that she would always think of the other him as him, the real him, and that no amount of love could ever make her heart fully his. What if he was stuck here, partly human and aging like one, with nowhere to go and no way to get there, and she decided he just wasn't real enough for her? What would he do then?
He was startled by a light touch on the back of his arm.
"There you are," Rose murmured, smilingly tentatively. Her eyes were glassy and distant. She'd had that look all evening. After the TARDIS had gone from the beach at Bad Wolf Bay, the Doctor had taken Rose into his arms and felt her shake with muffled sobs, clinging tightly to him as if she thought he might fade away too. But then she had pulled away, almost apologetically, and turned to stare blankly out at the water until Pete arrived. Even with a private helicopter, it had taken Pete hours to get there. Rose had spent the ride home in silence as well, and excused herself quickly when they arrived at the Tyler's home. It was a relief simply to hear her speak to him again.
"Rose Tyler," he answered quietly. He tried to smile, but he worried it might look a bit forced. It was hard to smile while his heart clenched with fear that this gift could at any moment become a curse. It had almost been easier when he had known he could never let himself love her.
" 'M sorry I've been so quiet tonight," she said, standing beside him and gazing up at the sky, a sky the two of them saw more clearly than anyone else on the planet. "It's just...this whole thing has been...well, it all happened so fast, and I just don't know..."
"It's okay, Rose," he broke in, swallowing a lump in his throat. "I know it's a bit...well, I haven't quite wrapped my head around it all yet either. One minute I'm me, and the next minute I'm...well, me again," he said quietly. "But what happened to me today has never happened before. I didn't know it could happen, actually. And I don't really understand yet, you know...what it means."
"Are you talking about becoming part human, or about falling in love with one?" Rose said. Her tone was teasing, but her voice shook. He looked at her in surprise. Then a smile spread across his lips.
"Falling in love with a human isn't new to me, Rose Tyler. I fell in love with you long ago."
He saw the tears fill her eyes as she stared into his, and he felt as if she were actually seeing him for the first time that day. She reached a hand up to brush his cheek, but then pulled it back as if she were afraid to touch him. He gently took her hand and held it to his face, turning his head to place a kiss in her palm.
"I know this is all strange and new," he whispered. "But I promise you I am your Doctor, Rose. Inside, I'm the Doctor you met in a shop basement and traveled with through time and space. The Doctor you spent so long searching for, and the Doctor who spent that same time wondering constantly what you were doing and hoping with all my heart that you were happy."
He stared intently at her with damp eyes full of fire.
"I'm the Doctor who thought I had lost you for good, and who never dared to imagine sharing a plain old, brilliant human life with you on this amazing planet. We've been given a gift, a gift no Time Lord has ever been given before, and it's...weird. But I promise you, Rose, I am still your Doctor."
They were both silent for a few moments as her eyes searched his, looking for something she recognized—something to prove that what he was saying was true.
He knew the moment she had found it.
"Doctor," Rose whispered as tears ran down her cheeks. "…I love you."
He smiled through warm tears of his own. "I love you, Rose Tyler."
And this time, it was he who brought his lips to hers.
A/N: strikeThis was originally a one-shot, but since people seem to like it and I've had some more ideas growing in the back of my mind, I've decided to make it multichapter. Chapter Two is soon to come!/strike I tried to write more for this fic, but the longer I thought about it the less I thought this story was good enough to base an entire arc on. Instead, I've started from scratch with a new story, "One Life, Together," that WILL be multichapter and better thought-out than this. If you enjoyed this oneshot, I hope you'll check out my next fic. :)