Jane loved surprises. Unfortunately Maura did not, which is why they were fighting.
"I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of it!"
"How could you say that to me, Jane? You just proposed in front of all of our friends and family!"
"Is that why you're angry? Or are you mad that I asked at all?!" Both decibel and pitch of Jane's voice rose dramatically.
"That's not fair, Jane. You know it's not fair. We've talked about this. Our first date, I told you how I feel. Two months into dating when I met Stacy we talked about this. Our six month anniversary when you 'surprised' me," Maura aggressively air quoted, "by signing a 18 month lease for our first 'joint' apartment, Jane, we talked about this."
"Hey, that's not fair. I said I was sorry. I gave up my $2000 deposit to show you how sorry I was."
"Agh! Jane! And I told you then what I have always told you. It's not that I don't want to be with you! I wouldn't be here tonight if I didn't love you!"
"Well, what is it then, Maura? Because two years is a long time to be with someone without some sort of promise of a future," Jane postured.
"'Promise' of a 'future', Jane?" Maura emphasized sarcastically.
"Stop saying Jane," she muttered under her breath.
"What was that?!"
"I said …!" But Jane let the sentence escalate into nowhere. Frustrated hands shoved into unruly curls. "I'm sorry! Ok? It's just that I thought we were doing so well, I thought you had changed…"
"Careful," Maura cut her off. "Think carefully about what you're about to say," she warned.
"What?!" In any other circumstance, Jane's look of faux innocence would have prompted a stifled laugh from Maura. Instead Maura flashed her best, "really, Jane?" raised-eyebrows look, daring her girlfriend to continue her thought.
Jane, the idiot, took the bait: "It's just, admit it, you're a different person than when we started dating."
Jane couldn't quite meet Maura's eyes for the last half of the sentence, but looked up just in time to see Maura's eyes close and chest expand as she slowly sucked in a breath to collect herself.
Not good.
Jane took one step towards her girlfriend, then hesitated as she saw Maura stiffen at the sound.
"Look, I'm sorry." Jane rasped, hands covering her face. "I didn't mean that."
"Yes, you did." Eyes still closed.
"I love you just the way you are."
"Do you?" Maura challenged, eyes snapping upward, daggers. Jane's face flashed panic.
"You know I do! Why would I ask you to marry me if I didn't?" Jane wailed.
"I think you tolerate me," Maura spat, "at least this part of me."
Jane threw her hands up in protest, but Maura kept going. "Oh I think you'll hope I'll change, maybe even that I have already. But I haven't, Jane! And it hurts me that you wish I had."
"Wait, Maura, that's not what I meant," Jane tried.
"I've never hidden anything from you," Maura accused with a pointed finger, but the flash of anger was quickly doused in a wave of sadness. "I'm sorry, I'm obviously not what you want," the last syllables muffled by her chin tipping downward and swallowed in sobs.
Jane crossed the room in a few strides to embrace her firmly. "Shh, don't cry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, so sorry," she chanted gently, left hand stroking up and down her girlfriend's spine. "I love you, I love you so much. I just… I'd do anything for you. Please. I'm sorry, please don't cry," Jane murmured into her girlfriend's hairline.
Maura tensed just before thrusting her arms between them, fists to Jane's chest, pushing them apart. "I'm sorry too, Jane," her eyes cast down and to the right. Maura held that position for a beat until, almost by reflex, her left hand twitched, clutching Jane's shirt. The action gave Jane hope, but the moment was quickly over as Maura shortly pushed off Jane, spun around, and took a few purposeful strides, separating them.
"Wait," Jane pled, but too late. Maura flung open their bedroom door, to the shocked faces of the few revelers who had the bad sense to remain at the couple's annual holiday party during the row. Jane cringed at both their reactions and her own embarrassment as the details of her recent public humiliation rushed to the forefront of her memory.
Maura hesitated for a second at the threshold of their bedroom, suddenly remembering where and when she was. Jane noticed ruefully that Maura had frozen directly under mistletoe, the same mistletoe that had triggered several festive lovemaking sessions already this season. The moment suddenly became very real, and Jane felt like her knees might give.
Maura regained her poise first. "I'm very sorry to cut the festivities short, but I wish you a very happy holiday season," she addressed the merrymakers. Usually Jane would have smirked at the carefully phrased nondenominational well-wishing, but all she could focus on were the "I's" in the sentence. Not "we," as in "we, as a couple." Was this a subtle declaration of singlehood? And how could Maura be so calm about this?
Maura smoothed her skirt with her palms, crossed the room to the kitchen island to retrieve her purse, and walked out the front door, not once looking back.
Jane flinched at the sound of the door closing and kept her eyes closed as she felt the first edge of a headache laced with nausea hit her.
"Ok friends, party's over!" Jane heard her brother Frankie play damage control while Jane walked into her bathroom, closed and locked the door, shut the lid to the toilet, and collapsed in a heap of lanky limbs.