Disclaimer: Spike is not mine. Shame, too. I'm sure we could cause so much chaos together...

To all my fans,

Thank you for your support, first of all. I'm always happy to see stories and drawings of me (yes, even the shitty ones make me smile). I am glad to finally get some recognition for my numerous talents and whatnot, honest. It's just that, well, some of you are a little too enthusiastic about me. Let me just set a few things straight before you guys continue doing whatever it is you do.

First of all, where the hell do you guys get off writing "Spike x Faye" stories? Granted, she does have the hots for me, but I would never chase after her. Ever. Yes, she dresses provocatively. Yes, she has a good body. I'm a man. I'm not blind. But she's also a demanding, manipulative, power-hungry woman, and you all know I hate that. So why do you insist on making us sleep together? Oh, and I almost forgot—she's almost old enough to be my grandmother. Please, just write things about her and Jet and leave it at that.

And another thing: this whole "Spike x Ed" thing needs to stop. Faye I can somewhat understand since she's a fully-grown woman, but Ed's a damn kid, for chrissake. I don't care how many years later the story takes place, I'm always going to be fifteen years older than she is. Besides, if you haven't noticed, she's a bit…odd. And I don't think she'll be changing anytime soon, so don't write about how she "grows up" and we do it. I can't afford to puke every time I see one; I don't get much food in the first place.

Moving on…. Cosplay. Let's try to hold back a little on Spike costumes, mkay? I'm flattered that you want to dress like me, but please make sure you can pull off this look first. It took me years to perfect the rumpled suit and poofy hairstyle, and I don't want my reputation ruined by some fat thirty-three year old that lives in his mother's basement. Save yourself the trouble by not shaving for a couple of days and going as Ein. Don't put my respectability on the line.

Oh, and please, ladies, stop cross-dressing as me. I don't have a set of tits, and I never will.

Besides all of these complaints, though, I'm fine with this attention. I look forward to reading some (better) fanfiction.

Thanks,

(signed) Spike Spiegel

P.S. I won't even going to address my issues with the "Spike x Vicious" or "Spike x Jet" stories I've heard about. I'm sure you can guess my feelings about those.