Disclaimer: Draco is not mine. If he was mine, I'd sell his virginity to the highest bidder.
To all my female fans,
Thank you for recognizing my perfection and duly obsessing with me. Although I realize that Potter has his share of "fan girls" as well, I am confident that my so-called fan base is much more extensive, and I must thank each and every one of you.
However, it has recently been brought to my attention that certain admirers of mine are being lead to believe things about me that aren't necessarily true. I've decided to write my fans and clear up some things that have obviously been befuddled.
First of all, below is a list of the people that I am not romantically involved with, nor will I ever be:
Potter
Granger
Weasley #1
Weasley #2
Gryffindors in general
Hufflepuffs, too
Loony Lovegood
Mudbloods
Half-bloods
Hogwarts staff
Boys
Anyone who's dead
Animals
Inanimate objects
I've read the stories and none of them even remotely make sense. I do not go around snogging people I hate, and I absolutely don't go around snogging men. And all I have to say about those last two is that some of you have warped, sadistic minds. Honestly, Potter's bloody owl? With me? Sick, that's what it is.
I have also been informed that there are certain drawings you muggles seem to be so fond of creating that feature me in rather compromising positions with the people/things mentioned in the above list. Please save yourself the trouble and burn them. They make me queasy.
Other than this, however, I am very pleased with my followers. As long as you listen to the above pleas and don't do anything barmy, we should be able to get along fine.
With love,
(signed) Draco Malfoy
Ps. One other thing… I don't speak French fluently, or any other language for that matter. I don't know how you girls got this idea, but the only things I know in French are 'oui' and 'merde'. DM