AUTHOR'S NOTE: After writing Harry Potter fanfics dealing with romance, tragedy, angst, understanding, etc., it's time for a little fun. This story involves an incident I briefly touched on in my story "Moving On," and I thought it would be fun to expand on it. Enjoy.
"Mister O'Bannon, if you administered this potion in its current form, you would turn the person's lesions into a flesh eating curse."
Jimmy O'Bannon lifted his eyes to Professor Snape, who stood over his desk. "Uh-huh."
"If this is an example of the work you did back in America, then either Salem needs to a hire a more competent potions professor, or you're simply an idiot . . . or both."
"Uh-huh."
Snape sneered and stormed off, muttering something about thick-headed Americans.
O'Bannon didn't care. He had more important things on his mind than Snape's daily barrage of insults.
He glanced at his wristwatch. Ten minutes to go and his least favorite class at Hogwarts would be done. Then he could return to the big care package he received by owl just before he left for Potions.
Snape finished checking the rest of the class' concoctions and gave most of them lousy grades . . . unless they happened to be Slytherins. He then assigned them another long-ass essay that would take half the night to finish. O'Bannon wondered if Fred and George Weasley would have to do this assignment as well. He still couldn't believe Professor Dumbledore pulled them out of class to serve as tour guides for some VIP from one of the Russian wizarding schools.
How the hell did they swing that? O'Bannon figured Dumbledore would have given that task to someone less likely to create an international incident.
Whatever. Class was over. O'Bannon bounded out of the room, the care package dominating his thoughts. Along with a letter from his parents, he also spied notes from his friends Jared, Rosa and Artimus. He couldn't wait to hear what they had to say on the state of things back at the Salem Witches Institute. His excitement went off the chart when he thought of the Boston Globe sports pages and the huge-ass tin of Mom's homemade lemon bars. O'Bannon increased his gait, anxious to get back to his room to find out how the Bruins and Patriots were doing while scarfing down those lemon bars.
Just don't eat 'em all, man. Spread the wealth.
He knew the guys and girls on the hockey club would swoon when they tasted Mom's lemon bars.
The snow crunched under his boots as O'Bannon headed toward the Gryffindor Tower. He gazed at the white landscape and wondered if it was snowing back home. Given the time of year, he figured all of New England had to be buried under tons of the white stuff.
O'Bannon's pace slowed when he spotted two tall, lanky redheaded twins outside the tower working on a pair of snowmen.
"Wait a minute," O'Bannon muttered under his breath. Brow furrowed, he strode over to Fred and George Weasley.
"Jimmy Boy!" Fred smiled and waved. "How was Potions class?"
O'Bannon's face scrunched in confusion and anger. "Excuse me. Don't you have some Ruski big-wig to show around campus?"
"We did." George shrugged as he pressed his hands against the torso of one of the snowmen. "But the funniest thing happened."
Fred picked up the story. "Yeah. Comrade Something-ovich had to use the bathroom. Well, Peeves clogged up the toilet and it exploded all over him."
"Before he could flush," George grinned.
"Ew! Sucks to be him." O'Bannon grimaced. He thought he got it bad from Peeves when the school poltergeist wrapped him up in a tapestry two days after he arrived at Hogwarts.
"Anyway . . ." Fred piled more snow on his snowman's head. "The good comrade stormed back to Dumbledore's office and demanded to leave here at once."
"We figured no sense in heading back to Potions with the class half-over," said George. "So we decided to put our newfound free time to good use."
"By building snowmen?"
Fred smiled and wagged his finger. "Ah, but these aren't just any snowmen."
"Snowpeople, to be more accurate, Fred."
O'Bannon raised an eyebrow and took a closer look. The snowman on his right . . . correction snowwoman, had a crown of bushy hair, while the snowman had a squat round head and an unsmiling face. They seemed familiar, but . . .
"So who are they supposed to be?"
George shook his head. "See, Fred. I told you no one would recognize them."
"That's because were not finished yet, George."
"Look, I hate being kept in suspense." O'Bannon's eyes darted from Fred to George. "Who the hell are they supposed to be?"
"If you had a better eye for detail, Jimmy Boy," Fred replied, "you would know that this is Hermione Granger, and that's good ol' Viktor Krum."
George slapped more snow onto the Krum snowman. "We decided to do our part to honor the budding romance between these two."
O'Bannon cocked an eyebrow. "Are they really going out? All I've heard are rumors."
Fred gave him a dismissive wave. "Truth, rumors. Either way it'll still be funny. Come on and give us a hand."
"But won't Hermione get pissed when she sees this?"
"Of course she will."
"Uh-huh." O'Bannon's head bobbed back and forth. "Well, in that case . . . count me in."
He scooped up a handful of snow and joined the twins. This would be a good joke to pull on Hermione. That girl took herself way too seriously.
A few minutes later, Fred declared the snow likenesses of Hermione and Viktor complete.
"I don't know." O'Bannon shook his head slowly. "Unless I'm walking right next to them, I wouldn't be able to tell who they are."
George thrust his arms toward O'Bannon. "See, Fred. What did I tell you?"
Fred snorted. "Come on now. Look at the detail in those faces."
"Hang on. I got a way to solve this."
O'Bannon pulled out his wand. He carved the initials HG on the snowwoman and VK on the snowman.
"Now that'll work." George slapped O'Bannon on the back.
"Now for the final touch." Fred waved his wand and cast a spell.
O'Bannon's eyes widened as the snowpeople turned to one another. The Viktor Krum snowman wrapped its arms around the Hermione snowwoman, dipped it back and planted a huge kiss on it.
The snowpeople repeated the movements over and over. O'Bannon threw back his head and laughed.
"Oh, wicked pissah!"
The three high-fived one another.
By now several Gryffindors had stopped near the entrance of the tower and stared at the snowpeople in love. O'Bannon stood off to the side with the twins, chuckling. The crowd of Gryffindors grew steadily until there were over thirty, pointing and laughing at the display.
"Hey, guys," Lavender Brown called out. "Here she comes."
O'Bannon and the Weasleys turned. Hermione marched down the snow covered path, a half-serious, half-cranky expression molded on her face.
"This is gonna be good," Fred snickered.
Hermione slowed as she gazed at the crowd of laughing Gryffindors. She approached the closest one, Seamus Finnigan.
"Seamus. What's going on?"
"See for yourself." Seamus grinned and pointed.
Hermione followed the Irish boy's finger. The snowpeople were macking again when Hermione's gaze found them.
Her jaw fell open and her eyes bulged out of their sockets. Fred gripped O'Bannon's shoulder to support himself while he laughed.
Hermione's head whipped toward them. Her cheeks blazed red with anger.
"I . . . don't . . . believe . . . you . . . three."
O'Bannon pressed his lips together. He could sense the eruption coming.
Hermione didn't disappoint. "OF ALL THE IMMATURE, INSENSATIVE, CALLOUS THINGS!!!"
Fred exploded with laughter. O'Bannon sank to his knees in hysterics. Fred soon fell beside him. George bent over, gripping his knees and cackling.
O'Bannon couldn't hear Hermione's rant over their laughter. One look at her crimson face and he knew she'd entered the realm of beyond pissed off.
That girl needs to know how to take a joke.
With a final, frustrated scream, Hermione stomped into the Gryffindor Tower, nearly knocking down the Creevey brothers.
"Boy was she incensed," said George.
Fred wiped away a tear of laughter. "Maybe . . . Maybe she saw the Viktor snowman was a better kisser than the real thing."
O'Bannon convulsed with laughter.
"You okay there, Jimmy Boy?" Fred helped him to his feet.
"Yeah." He held his aching ribs. "Oh man, I think I peed myself I laughed so hard."
A streak of movement from the Tower entrance caught O'Bannon's eye. He turned to see Hermione stomping back to them, wand in hand.
"Uh-oh. Hey, guys -"
"Explodum!"
The kissing snowpeople burst into thousands of white chunks. O'Bannon and the twins jumped back. Hermione flicked her wand to the sky. The remains of the snowpeople twisted into a funnel reaching twenty feet in the air. The snow tornado swirled and congealed into a giant white dome, which hung directly over O'Bannon, Fred and George.
O'Bannon looked up and swallowed. He glanced at the twins, then Hermione, then back to the ominous dome above them.
"Aw crap."
"Cado!" yelled Hermione.
The snow dome crashed down on them.
O'Bannon fell to his knees. His clothes were suddenly damp. Bits of snow slid down his back and torso. He spasmed as the frigid snow stung his skin.
Fred and George also stiffened from the snow running down the inside of their clothes.
Laughter erupted from the Gryffindor crowd, this time at them. Hermione tilted her head, smirked and marched back into the tower.
O'Bannon got to his feet, grabbing the back of his pants. "Dude, I got snow in my crack!"
Fred got to his feet and shivered. "Well, it didn't go exactly as I pictured it. But seeing Hermione's reaction, it was definitely worth it."
"I'd most certainly agree, Fred." George looked over at O'Bannon. "How about you, Jimmy?
O'Bannon groaned. Every inch of his body was damp and cold. His underwear felt like someone shoved a bucket of ice cubes inside it.
Then he thought about the kissing snowpeople, Hermione's meltdown, and his ribs that still hurt from laughing.
"Yeah, I guess it was worth it."
- THE END -