Disclaimer: Not to my knowledge, but feel free to worship me as you do JKR anyway.
Harry certainly did not expect the sight that awaited him when he entered the Weasley kitchen. He'd caught Ron and Hermione in the middle of some pretty odd situations, there was the one thing with the waffle iron for example, but this had to be the strangest by far.
Yes, his two best friends were engaged in a slap fight.
It looked something like a game of patty-cake gone terribly wrong. They didn't seem to have noticed his entry.
"Er…is this a bad time?"
They stopped and looked at him, a rosy color slowly rising in their cheeks. Then, at almost the exact same instant, they shouted "He/She started it!"
Harry, for his part, had trouble containing both a bout of laughter and an aggravated sigh.
"I didn't start it, you did!"
This was said by both parties simultaneously as well and they began a heated debate of the topic.
"You're the one who slapped me first!"
"That's because you were making fun of me!"
"That thing you were doing with your arms was ridiculous, who wouldn't make fun of it?"
"It was completely immature, not to mention it made you look like some kind of huge, gangly bird!"
"What do you think it made you look like? And how is you slapping my hands more mature then my imitating you?"
"That sentence can't possibly be grammatically correct!"
"And why not?"
"Because you said it, for one—"
"I'll just go, now…" Harry said, but they both rounded on him.
"NO!" they said simultaneously.
How can two people be disagree and saying almost all the exact same things at the same time? Harry thought.
"Why do I need to be here?" he said out loud.
"Because I don't want to stuck with him/her!"
"And what's wrong with me?"
"What's wrong with me?"
"Oh, you want a list?"
"Come on, you two…" Harry said, then, though he dreaded the answer, "What is this even about?"
"He/She was—"
"Okay, new question!" Harry cut them off. "Why do you care?"
They both looked at him for moment. He knew he was about to enter dangerous ground but he sick of this.
"Why do you feel the need to attack every time the other does anything remotely threatening?" he said. "Why are you even threatened? Why do you, when it comes to each other, have such sensitive prides?"
He looked at them both intently, until he could almost see the pressure he'd put on them weighing their forms down.
"What do you mean?" Ron said, finally, voice cracking.
"Oh, don't play dumb, Ron, we both know what he's getting at," Hermione snapped.
Mere seconds before she'd seemed too embarrassed to speak but her agitation with Ron's comment seemed to overcome that.
"I wasn't playing dumb," he said, scowling.
"So you're the real thing then?" she said.
"No! I know what he's talking about," Ron said.
"Then why ask stupid questions?" she said.
"And here I thought we were finally getting somewhere…"
"Of we're not, Harry," Hermione said. "We never will. Because that idiot won't just get up the nerve to kiss me already!"
"Shows what you know!"
And then he kissed her.
Harry looked away. Then he risked looking back a moment later but they were still at it. He turned and…ran away.
AN: I was bored. I wrote and wrote and didn't stop and know it's awful, but –shrugs- that's what happens when technology makes it this easy to post work on the internet.
For every review I get I'll…well, you can make requests. I've done the macarena (however you spell that) in the middle of a bowling alley if that gives you any ideas…