Miss You Most (At Christmastime)
She sat in a chair, curled up in a ball watching the waves crash along the Hawaiian beach. She was lost in her thoughts. So much had happened in the past couple of months that made her question everything, again. Feelings she had long thought were buried seemed to suddenly make their way to the surface. Hetty's words from a month ago were still resonating in her mind. "Are you upset because Mr. Deeks was a good partner, or is it because of something more?"
"Penny for your thoughts."
Kensi jumped when she heard her cousin's words. Her favorite cousin Lori had joined her in Hawaii for Christmas. The luxury of working as a flight attendant allowed her to hop on a flight in an instant. Lori was glad that Kensi had told her that she was going to be in Hawaii until after Christmas. It would give them some time to catch up and for Lori to ask Kensi to be the maid of honor at her wedding. Lori handed Kensi a warm cup of tea.
"Hey, I didn't hear you come in," she told her.
Kensi flashed her a little smile, Lori was probably the only person who could sneak up on her. "Yeah...umm, you looked a little lost in thought there."
"Just thinking."
Lori raised an eyebrow, signaling for an explanation. "About...?"
"Dad, Jack..."
"And?" she probed a little further.
Kensi rolled her eyes; she knew exactly where this was going. She knew she shouldn't have told her anything about Deeks.
"Not about him." Kensi firmly stated.
It was Lori's turn to roll her eyes. Kensi had forgotten that Lori knows her probably better than anyone else. She was there for her after her dad had been killed. She sat with Kensi for months holding her while she cried, unable to control her anger, frustration and tears. At fifteen, she'd had the weight of the world on her shoulders.
"So, have you heard from him since you landed?"
"I don't want to talk about Deeks," she stated as she shook her head.
"C'mon Kens, you're gonna have to talk about it sooner or later," Lori told her.
"I came here to get away from him - I mean..." Kensi quickly backtracked.
"HA, I knew it! You have a thing for your partner!" Lori squealed in excitement.
Kensi let out a loud sigh. She repositioned herself in the chair and rested her head on the armrest. She wanted the thoughts of Deeks out of her head. But she was afraid that those thoughts would be replaced by those of her father or of Jack. Which is why she made it a point to leave California during Christmas.
"Lori, I really don't wanna talk about it right now," she told her.
"Okay, well Jason and I are going to dinner on the beach. Are you sure you don't want to join us?"
"I'm fine. You guys go ahead, have fun."
As Lori walked out of the room, she took a look back at Kensi. She could see Kensi take a deep breath as her shoulders slumped. She knew that Christmas had been hard for her ever since she had lost her dad, then Jack. She hoped that she was finally getting back a little sense of normalcy, especially after last Christmas. But something had happened in the year since. Whatever it was had caused Kensi to retreat back to where she had been before.
Kensi didn't know how long she sat on the chair just staring at the waves crashing on the beach. Thoughts of Christmases past filled her mind. She remembered the Christmas when she was ten; her father had been stationed in Okinawa. She had been so homesick; she'd hated being in Japan. Her dad had promised her that they would have a very quiet Christmas together. Little did she know that her dad would be surprising her by telling her that they were being stationed in San Diego again. She remembered jumping up in his arms. It was the best present he had ever given her.
She wiped the stray tear from her eye. She remembered the first Christmas without her dad. She had spent the holidays with her cousin Lori. She didn't feel like celebrating anything. All she'd wanted was for things to go back to the way they were. For her dad to walk through the door and tell her that it had been a mistake, it had all been a bad dream. He would take her away from all the sadness, pain and anger she had been feeling in the months since his death. Nothing would ever make this pain go away. All she wanted was her dad.
She remembered meeting Jack. She'd been working as a waitress in a coffee shop when she saw him walk in. She could almost feel herself melt when he smiled at her. She didn't know just how quickly she would fall in love with him. She had just started working at NCIS when she found out that he was being deployed with his unit - four years into their relationship and she was preparing to say goodbye. She didn't want him to leave, but she knew that he had no choice. She'd half expected that their relationship would end because of the deployment, just as she had seen many of her friends do. She never expected him to propose to her the night before he was scheduled to report. He'd told her that he had never felt for anyone, what he felt for her. She was his soulmate. He was hers.
The next 18 months would be spent worrying for him and planning their wedding. They would be married on New Year's Eve that next year. She couldn't believe that he would just walk away from her a week before they were going to get married. She searched for him for months after he left. She took a leave of absence, she searched everywhere she could think of. Her search ended in Hawaii, six months later. She told herself that she would come back every year, in hopes that Jack would find his way back to her. Even now, so many years later, a little piece of her still hoped that she would find him, even if it was to say goodbye. The pain of the memories once again brought tears to her eyes.
She shifted in the chair once again as her eyelids grew heavy. She did her best to fight off the sleep that was quickly taking over her body. As she closed her eyes, her thoughts quickly took her to the ones she had been fighting the entire night. She could see Deeks in the ridiculous Santa hat that he'd worn last year at the shelter. She remembered the smile on her face that night, she couldn't remember that last time she had actually smiled during the holidays. It was a nice change of pace. Her thoughts slowly drifted through all they had gone through in the past year. They had grown closer over the past year, but after the firing incident, things had gotten weird between them. She wished that things could go back to the way they were a few weeks before everything changed. She smiled at the thought of him and that silly grin of his. Part of her wished that he had tagged along with her; only if she hadn't been so adamant that he stay behind. Her heart ached at the thought of him spending the holidays by himself.
She didn't know how long she had been asleep. She could feel the cool breeze that had settled upon the room. Her eyes fluttered open to see a figure standing in the doorway, admiring her. She thought he was a figment of her imagination. She rubbed her eyes to make sure that it wasn't something she was imagining. He smiled at her as he quickly made his way to her.
"What are you doing here?"
He looked down at his feet, then looked up at her sleepy eyes, "I, umm. I couldn't pass up the waves of Hawaii."
She slapped his arm and he laughed.
"I guess I forgot to give you your other Christmas present," he said.
"Deeks, this couldn't wait until I got back?"
He pulled her towards him and laid a gentle kiss on her lips. "No."
"I missed you too much, especially at Christmastime."