Summary: Buffy gets a visit from an old friend just when she needs it the most. It's just a short, fluffy, one-shot, Fuffy fic that I couldn't get out of my head after re-watching Tabula Rasa last night. Hope you all enjoy.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters and don't intend to make any profit from them. The song also does not belong to me. The song is "Goodbye To You" by Michelle Branch. It's not really a song fic though. This song is in there because it was the same song playing at the end of the episode "Tabula Rasa," which is pretty much when this takes place.
Comfort
As I sit here at the bar, I find myself completely out of it. My entire world has been crumbling down in the past several weeks since I'd been brought back, and now, at this very moment it feels like it's gone. I feel like there's nothing left. At this very moment, I would welcome death with open arms.
I'd try and drink my pain away, but I've already tried that once before. It didn't help. If anything it made things worse.
I'm really not sure what to do with myself anymore. I just can't seem to find that spark that I used to have, the fire deep down inside that would always tell me to keep going. I might as well just give up. In fact, I think I already have.
Of all the things I've believed in I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes but I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
Within moments all thoughts seem to simply disappear from my mind. I find myself just sitting there at The Bronze tuning out all sounds, all sites, all smells, and most importantly, all thoughts and feelings. I'm completely numb, completely gone.
And then I feel it.
It can't be possible, but I feel the tingle that's telling me it is. That ever so familiar tingle that only one person in the whole world could cause me to have.
My face scrunches up slightly in confusion. I know it can't be real, but I turn around on my stool anyway just to make sure. And that's when I see her.
She's standing there in the middle of the crowds of people with a smile on her face that I've never seen before in the few years that I've known her. I can't even describe the flood of emotions that I'm all of the sudden feeling just from one glimpse at her. It doesn't make any sense, but I'm frozen as my gaze locks with hers.
Dressed in her usual cloths, dark, tight jeans, a skin tight fiery red tank top, black leather boots, and a dark, denim jean jacket to pull it all together, she slowly begins to walk towards me. As she grows closer the smile never leaves her face, and despite the intense amount of mixed emotions running through my mind, I can't help but realize that she's never looked more beautiful then she does right now.
When she finally reaches me, her smile grows even brighter and I can see her eyes light up in a way that can only be described as elation.
"Hey, B," are the only words that she utters as she takes in the site of me, seemingly basking in the opportunity just to be near me.
My breath hitches slightly as I do the same, not yet wanting to break this moment despite the awkwardness and disbelief of it, and the many questions that are racing through my head. Then, despite the fact that a strong part of me is telling me to continue to stay in this moment, the logical part of me seems to win out as I open my mouth to speak.
"What are you doing here?" I ask, trying to shake myself out of my current confusing daze.
I immediately regret saying anything as I watch that incredible smile fall from her face. That may have been my only chance. I may never see that smile again.
"Guess you're not really happy to see me, are yah?" she asks me lightheartedly with a fake smile, clearly attempting to lighten the mood.
My head shakes slightly as I try to think of the best way to respond. "I really have no idea what I'm feeling right now," I settle on for now. And it's the truth. I have no idea what's going on, what to think, what I'm felling, or how to deal with this situation on top of everything else that's going on in my life right now.
A look of worry appears on her face as she spots the look of turmoil on mine. She starts to move a little closer to me, and reaches out a comforting hand towards my cheek. But I pull away.
"Why are you here, Faith?" I ask her once again, more firmly this time. "Better yet, how are you here? Aren't you supposed to be in prison?" The rational part of me is once again taking its hold.
"I don't know what the hell is going on, or what you think you're doing here," I continue heatedly, "But you can't just walk in here, all smiles and expect me to be happy to see you, to not even bother asking what it is you think you're doing. I'm not just gonna…"
"B, shut up," she interrupts me with an uncharacteristically kind smile.
I want to continue my rant, but I can't. I'm speechless in response to how she's reacting. I don't understand any of this but she's looking at me as if nothing that happened in our dark past had ever taken place. She's looking at me as if we've known each other forever, as if we've been friends forever, maybe even more.
All of the rational thoughts seem to fly right out of my head, however, as that beautiful smile once again shows up on her perfect face.
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said…
Without saying a word she slowly reaches for my hand with her own, and I can't for the life of me bring myself to pull away this time. Instead, I allow her to take my hand in hers as she slowly begins to lead me onto the dance floor, walking backwards so as not to take her eyes off of mine for even one second.
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Of all the odds, it just so happens that a slow song is playing as we reach the center of the dance floor. She takes her eyes away from mine for a short moment to find my other hand and take it in hers. Then she looks back up at me, and gently places my hands around her neck and then slowly, and softly she rests her hands on both of my hips.
My body tenses up at first in an attempt to resist, but two soft, reassuring words leave her mouth and the tension seems to just melt away.
"It's ok," she says sincerely. And somehow, I know it will be. I can't explain how or why, but I can feel it. So I let myself do this without protest. I look deep into her eyes as our bodies slowly move to the soft beat of the music.
I still get lost in your eyes and it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right
After a short while of continuing to dance in silence, a small smile finally makes its way to my face which only seems to brighten hers even more. I shake my head slightly in disbelief.
"I don't understand this," I voice with a small laugh revealing to her that I can't really seem to care that I don't understand. "It doesn't make any sense."
"Maybe not," she smiles back, a softer smile now. "Maybe it's not supposed to make sense. Maybe it's just supposed to…be."
My smile grows as I laugh slightly. "Since when did you get all philosophical?" I ask jokingly.
She rolls her eyes at me. "Hey, just because I never graduated High School doesn't mean I don't know stuff."
"Dully noted," I respond as I feel myself becoming even more comfortable in her arms. I can't explain it but despite the weirdness of the situation, something about it just feels so right.
Her facial expression starts to get more serious as we once again fall back into silence. I can see that she wants to say something, but she can't seem to get it out. For some reason, I want more then anything to reassure her that she can say it, whatever it is. I want to tell her that she can tell me anything.
"What's going on in that busy head of yours?" I ask as my face also begins to grow more serious. "Whatever it is, you can tell me."
She looks down for a moment almost as if to collect her thoughts. "I'm worried about you, B," she finally says once her eyes meet back up with mine. "I know that things have been really tough for you lately."
Now it's my turn to look away. I don't know how she knows about what's been going on with me, and I don't know why, of all things, that this is what she wants to talk about, but I go along with it anyway, deciding not to question it like so many other things that I've wondered about in the past few minutes.
"I just need some time is all," I try to reassure her even though I know I sound anything but convincing.
As her eye brows knit together in worry, I can plainly see that she's not buying it. She searches my eyes vehemently before speaking again. I'm not sure what it is that she's looking for, but when she stops searching I'm almost positive she hasn't found it.
"I can't even begin to imagine what you've been going through since you were brought back," she begins to explain. "I understand that wherever you were when you were gone, you were happy, and you didn't wanna leave."
My eyes close as I'm once again reminded of exactly how I was feeling before she showed up. Seeing the affect that her words have had on me seems to break her heart. To try and make up for it she once again chances a comforting gesture. Lifting her hand from its place on my hip, she reaches it up towards my cheek.
And this time, I don't pull away. I close my eyes once again as I lean into her soft touch. I'm not sure how, but it's just the thing I need to calm my racing mind. Her touch feels more incredible then I could have ever imagined and I find myself lost in the moment for a short while.
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Ooh
"I don't mean to upset you, Buffy," she continues softly over the music. "I just worry about you. I worry that you're giving up."
My eyes open up again at the sound of her voice and the absence of her touch as she pulls her hand away and places it back at its previous position on my hip. I really don't want to talk about this but I can see that she's not going to let it go.
Sadness begins to fill my heart as I respond, "I think I already have."
She shakes her head slightly in defiance as if she's sure that what I'm saying is wrong. "No, you haven't. Not yet," she responds. "I know this is going to sound really corny and pep talky, but you can't give up, B. I know that you don't want to be here, but you are, so you've gotta make the best of it."
That bright, dimple filled smile starts to show again as she continues. "Gez, when I first found out that you were back, I can't even describe to you how happy I was. Nothing could whip that smile off of my face for days." I could feel my heart skip a beat at the sound of her words. "I knew that nothing could ever keep you down. Not even death."
A look of uncertainty shows up on her face before she goes on. "You may not be happy that you're here, B," she begins, once again with a serious look this time, "But I am."
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time
I find myself once again lost in her beautiful brown pools. In fact, I don't think I've ever been this lost in someone's eyes before in my entire life. It's like I'm frozen in time, unable to move, unable to speak, unable to think, and unable to breath. I don't understand what's happening, but I don't want to fight it.
"You need to be strong, Buffy," she continues as she brings her hand up once again, this time gently brushing away a stray piece of my hair. "No matter how hard things get, you can't give up. You've gotta keep going. You've gotta live."
"And what if I can't?" I ask as I feel tears begin to fill my eyes.
Her hand rests on my cheek as a reassuring smile creases her face. "You can," she replies with extreme surety. "You're the strongest person I know." She begins to gently stroke my cheek with her thumb. "All you need to do is give this a shot. Life has given you a second chance, and now it's your turn to give life a second chance. You've gotta live your life to the fullest."
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Before I can even process her last few words I watch her slowly lean in towards me, her eyes flicking back and forth from my eyes to my lips. When her lips are mere inches away from mine, her eyes rest on mine, searching them to find out if I'd be ok with what she's about to do.
As a response I allow myself to move those last few inches causing our lips to meet for the first time. The kiss is nothing like I would have expected a kiss with Faith to be like. I was expecting it to be fast, ruff, and filled with passion, hunger, need and lust. Instead it's slow and gentle, our lips barely touching at all, simply testing the waters.
We both pull away slightly to look into each others eyes. What I see in her eyes is also something that I wasn't expecting. As I focus intently on them I realize for the first time how kind and gentle they are. And I never would have thought it would be possible, but I think that the only other thing that I see in her eyes at this very moment is love.
A bright smile instantly takes over my face before we both lean back in to once again taste each others lips. This time we both apply a little more pressure to get the full feel of each other. I feel her softly pulling me in closer with a desire for more contact, so I wrap my arms tightly around her neck hoping for the same.
Needing to taste her more fully, I open my mouth to her. Her tongue brushes against my bottom lip and I respond by sticking mine out as well, effectively deepening the kiss. I never want this moment to end as our tongues continue to massage one another's gently, but passionately. I never imagined that this could feel so good.
However, all too soon, the kiss is ended. We lean our heads up against each other's as we both take deep breaths to replace the air we'd lost. It only takes moments before we're once again looking into each others eyes. But this time her eyes look sad. She has a pained look on her face and I don't understand why.
"What's wrong?" I ask softly with worry in my ton.
"Our times almost up, B," she responds as she once again caresses my cheek with her thumb.
Goodbye to you
(Goodbye to you)
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
(Goodbye to you)
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
(The one thing that I tried to hold on to)
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
(The one thing that I tried to hold on to)
Oh whoa
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
I don't understand what she's talking about, but it can't be true. She just got here, and we've just found this level of comfort that we've been missing for almost three years.
"You can't go," I plead with her as I shake my head and hold her tighter. "Not now. I need you."
"I'm sorry, but I have no choice," she responds sadly. "I wasn't even supposed to be here in the first place."
I turn my head away from her as the tears that have been threatening to fall all night finally seem to be breaking free. I'm upset and I'm angry but I can't seem to yell at her no matter how much I want to. I don't want her to go, but I know yelling won't do a thing to keep her with me.
"Please don't cry," she pleads. She gently takes my chin in her hand and pulls me back to face her. "I'm always gonna be here with you, B. When you're not strong enough, I'll be your strength. When you feel like giving up, I won't let you. All you have to do, is keep trying. Just…live."
And when the stars fall I will lie awake
You're my shooting star
With those last words she leaned in for one last kiss. Savoring the feel of her lips on mine, I drink in every ounce of her that I can before hearing a loud, high pitched beeping noise that jolts me into reality.
- - - -
When my eyes finally open, I'm not where I thought I would be. I'm lying down snuggled up in the covers in my bed listening to my alarm clock go off, with Faith no where in site.
It had all been a dream. An extremely realistic dream, as I still feel the taste of her lips on my own.
I turn off my alarm clock and simply stare into space for a little while trying to wake myself up enough to fully process the dream. I have no idea what it meant, or why it happened, but I can't help feeling slightly renewed.
Deep inside I know it was more then just a dream, and for now, that thought is just what I need to get me through the day.