Title: Rules for dating Kai.
Summary: Kai is very desirable. Any fool knows that. And any fool would love to date him. In hindsight of this little fact, the Blitzkrieg boys decide to set up some rules for dating Kai.
Pairings: None really.
Warnings: Humor. Oneshot. Pointless, really.
Disclaimer: Don't own Beyblade. I got the idea when reading 'Rules for dating my teenage daughter'.
XD I just had to do this. Got the idea from an article about dating. I can so see the Blitz boys as over protective -and murderous- big brothers for Kai. Please enjoy.
Tala peers around the large room that is filled with fidgeting teens from all backgrounds and ages. He glares each one of them in the eyes, almost daring them to say a word. He glances over to his teammates to see that they are doing the exact same thing. He smirks when he notices some of the teens cringe and swallow thickly.
"I bet you are all wondering why you are here, correct?" Tala asks, even though the tone of his voice relays that he doesn't expect a reply.
The nervous group of teens nods quietly, afraid to open their months. Even the usual loudmouths of the group are uncharacteristically quiet. They all sat completely still and in absolute silence as the Russians begin to slowly circle them. Sweat begin dripping down their necks, fearful expressions in each of their eyes.
"It has come to my attention that some of you, all of you, are wanting to date Kai," Tala states as he too begin to slowly circle them like a vulture waiting for his meal to die. "Some of you have good intentions, yes. But the others, they just want to get Kai into the sack."
There was a noticeable shudder amongst a small group of the teens as they know Tala is referring to them. The others that have good intentions somewhat relaxed, only to stiffen again when Tala trained his eyes on them once more. They know that this isn't over yet.
"I think we need to inform you of a few rules that come with dating Kai," Tala says still circling the group. He would stop everyone now and then to lean in close to a teen, glaring straight into his eyes, almost as if he's waiting for them to crack. "Sounds reasonable, doesn't it?" he asks the poor fool he's glaring at.
The teen says nothing and nods his head vigorously.
"Good," Tala smiles, albeit evilly and stands up straight. He continues his pacing, his hands behind his back. "We made these rules, so you better listen up. First: You are allowed to ask him out on a date. However, if he says NO, you are to wait for a week before asking again. You are not to pressure or blackmail him into a date." he leans over and whispers into someone's ear. "Not if you want to live."
"Rule two," Spencer says, speaking up for the first time. "You are to arrive early or ON TIME. You are to never be late. He can be a late as he needs, but you are not. If you do find yourself late, don't bother turning up. Keep driving." he places his hand on a blader's shoulder and squeezes it. "If you pull into the driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up."
"You are to arrive baring a gift," Bryan says from the other side of the room. "Gifts can include flowers, jewelry, small expensive tokens or expensive wine. You are not to turn up empty handed. Promptly display your gift to us on arrival and we will see if the gift is suitable, if not, start running as fast as you can."
"We're sure that you have been told that in today's world, sex without a barrier can be deadly." Tala turns to the group and gives them a death glare that could stop a world destroying comet in it's tracks. "Let us elaborate: When it comes to sex, we are the barrier and we will kill you."
The same fore mentioned group shudders violently.
"We have no doubt the you are all very popular with the fans, with many opportunities to date others," Spencer says, nodding his head in understanding. "This is fine with us as long as it is okay with Kai. Otherwise, once you have gone out with Kai, you will continue to date no one but him until he is through with you. You are not allowed under any circumstances prohibited to dump him. If the relationship is to come to an end, he will end it." He picks up a large, heavy metal paper weight and then crushes it in his hand. "If you make him cry, we will make you cry."
The group stares as the paper weight crumbles to the floor like dust drifting in the wind.
"If you make him cry, for any negative reason at all," Tala continues. "prepare for a long and painful death. Don't bother leaving the country, for we have contacts and WE. WILL. FIND. YOU." he says, emphasizing each word.
The group gulps loudly in fear.
"As you stand in the front hallway," Bryan continues with the list of rules without missing a beat. "waiting for Kai to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not fidget and complain. Instead of just standing there why don't you do something useful, like change the oil in my car? Or other examples include; Taking out the garbage, bringing in the washing, cleaning the dishes."
A few teens nod softly, making a mental note to remember this.
"And when Kai finally does reveals himself you are to immediately tell him how beautiful he is. No ifs or buts about it. Do it immediately."
"You do not touch him in front of any of us," Tala growls. "You may glance at him, so long as you do not peer at anything below his neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of Kai's body, we will remove them," he threatens, then slowly his lips curl up in a sadistic smirk. "With a steak knife."
The group had a sudden image of Tala chasing after them with a steak knife poised over his head, snarling with fangs bared and fire in his eyes. What the hell are they getting themselves into?
"The following places are not appropriate for a date with Kai," Spencer says, counting on his fingers. "Places where there are sofas, beds or anything softer than a wooden stool or folding chair; places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight; places where there is darkness; places where the ambient temperature would induce Kai to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts or anything other than jeans and a turtle neck jumper. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better."
A few of the slow witted teens wonders why hockey games and old folk homes are allowed. They then realize it's because it's hard to get romantic at these venues. Ingenious really.
"Do not lie to us," Tala tells them all flatly, his voicing nothing but threatening. "We may appear to be a some dimwitted has-beens, emotionless jerks, etc. But on issues relating to our teammate and friend, we are the all-knowing, merciless Gods of your universe. If we ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell us the truth. There is a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with any of us."
Five acres is a lot of ground to cover…
The group outwardly shudders again. A few of them were afraid that they may even pass out, their hearts are beating so fast.
"When you do go out for a date, NO TOUCHING!" Spencer bellows over the group, causing a few of them to fall over in absolute fright. "If one of us happens to rip off your arm and then ram is down your throat, what would kill you first? The lost of blood or choking to death? If you succeed in hurting Kai, you'll be the first to find out."
A few of the weaker ones pass out in a dead faint.
"You are not allowed to make the first move. If he wishes for more intimacy then he will initiate it. Until then, you are to do nothing." Bryan eyes of the weaklings of the group with a disgusted sneer and continues. "You are not to nag, rush, or push him into anytime during the progression of the date. Kai is a very honorable young man and does not wish to be pushed into something he does not want to do. For if he does, he becomes uneasy. And a sign of uneasiness from Kai is a sure sign murderous rage expressed by us, the badass, murderous team of Beyblading Russians who have the tendency to become quite violent."
The group of bladers share glances towards each other, all knowing just what the Blitzkrieg boys are capable of doing. And it's not pretty.
"You are to pay for everything. Under no circumstances are you to split the bill will him unless he insists. Only then. You asked him out. You pay for everything."
"You are, however, prohibited to beat the crap out of anyone who tries to chat Kai up during the date," Spencer says with a sharp, affirming nod. "You are to find out his details or remember his appearance for future references. Did you know that it only takes 15 minutes exposure to extreme cold to kill you? Happens in Russia all the time…" he trails off, leaving the rest to the imagination.
The images that the group came up with were far more impressive than anything he could have said, anyway.
"Be careful, be very careful. It takes very little for us to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over the Abbey stone walls, sounding the approaching fleet of more Abbey soldiers. When the flashbacks start, the voices in our heads frequently tell us to clean the Beyblade launchers as we sit at home waiting for you to bring Kai home early," Tala smirks as everyone pales and stiffens in fright.
"As soon as you pull into the driveway," Bryan continues for him. "you should exit your car, with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought Kai home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside."
"The camouflaged faces you see in the window, trees, roof and front gate will be ours," Spencer finishes for him. "Ignore the little red dot hovering around your head and chest and keep on driving."
"Is everything clear?" Tala asks, slowly. The group nod silently again. They begin to wonder if dating Kai will be worth all this hassle. Suddenly they hear the front door open and the ever angelic voice of Kai rings through the silent house.
"I'm home," he says as he steps into the living room. His exotic eyes widen in shock when he sees bladers from every team gathered in his house, looking pale, nervous and sweating profusely. "What's going on?" he asks with confusion, as he timidly curls a strand of his hair behind his ear.
He continues to glance shyly around the room with intriguing eyes. He looks so cute! There, despite the terrifying ordeal they just went through, they realize one thing…
Kai is so worth going to hell and back.
XD Woo! Had lots of fun writing this. I hoped you liked it. I burrowed a couple of the rules from the article. It was fantastic to read.
Kai: Another fic where there isn't a pairing. You feeling sick?
Nope! Just bubbly.
Tala: Yeah, in the head.
Right! …wait…
Bryan: Anyway, please review.