I wonder how much you really knew about me. I knew a lot about you. I knew your favorite color was slate blue, your favorite food was strawberries, and you liked reading poetry.
I wrote poetry, about different things, like emotions, nature, and, a lot about you. Your rose colored hair, jade green eyes, and how much I loved you. But you were blind to that. You loved Hiei. You talked to me about it, how he turned down every pass, flirt, and hope of loving each other. When you cried, I held you, wrapped you up with me in a blanket and rocked you until you calmed down.
You would thank me, saying you felt better, sometimes talk about something else, or leave if it was too late. It's always too late. I've lost you to Hiei. That cold, heartless jerk. He doesn't deserve you.
As if I should talk. As if I deserve you. I'm tall, clunky, ugly, and stupid. That's the joke. Kuwabaka. The oaf. The baka. The aho. I deserve you the least. But, I keep wishing, that one day, you'll love me.
"WHO AM I KIDDING!? HE'LL NEVER WANT ME!!" I throw my kitchen stool to the floor and the doorbell rings. Come to cry more about Hiei? I wish he'd reject you. I want him to.
"Hey, Kurama. How are-" You threw yourself onto me, and instead of crying, you kissed me. I moaned and kissed you back, letting my tongue snake into your mouth. You moaned and wrapped your arms around my neck tighter. I pulled you in and we broke for air. "Kurama, I, I love you."
"I love you too. I've been so stupid. Hiei doesn't care about me, but, you've dealt with my whining for a year. You've cared, and I never noticed before." God, that smile of yours. It fit you perfectly. Just like everything else you did or said.
"I don't care. I've got you now." I picked you up and sat you on the couch. "Want some strawberries? I bought them today."
"I'd love some." I pulled the blanket around you and pulled out a dish of your favorite food. I rinsed them in the sink and sat besides you. You wrapped me in the blanket with you and I wrapped one arm around your waist. I fed you a strawberry and bit my lip at how sensually you did it. I fed you another, and another, and soon, I was on top of you, sucking your lips.
"Kazuma," You sighed as I picked you up. "Take me."
"Hai, Kurama." I laid you on my bed, the plate of strawberries on my night table. We stripped, and I was on you again. "Are you sure?"
"Hai." You were, I was, and gods, did I want you.
I woke-up and looked around the living room. A bowl of strawberries was on my chest, the blanket covering me.
A dream. A stupid, stupid dream. Of course, last night, you said you were going to confess to Hiei. Straight out tell him that you loved him. I lost. Hiei really is the better man…demon. Whatever.
Like I ever had a chance anyways. I'd never deserve you.
The doorbell. Come to share the good news? Come to thank me, then run off to him. Maybe I'd get lucky, and he'd reject you. Then I could try and win your heart.
"Hai?" You lunged on me, but unlike my dream, crying. "Kurama, nani? Did he-"
"He rejected me! He said he never wanted me. That he never wanted to see me again!" You sobbed into my chest. I picked you up, cradling you. I wrapped the blanket once again around us and rocked you. This time, I sang you the lullaby. The one mom sang to me, every time I cried.
Toora, loora, loora Over in Killarney, many years ago Toora, loora, loora
Toora, loora, li
Toora, loora, loora
Hush, now, don't you cry
Ah,
Toora, loora, loora
Toora, loora, li
Toora, loora, loora
It's an Irish lullaby
My mother sang this song to me in tones so sweet and low
Just a simple little ditty in her good old Irish way
And I'd give the world if she could sing that song to me this day
Toora, loora, li
Toora, loora, loora
Hush, now, don't you cry
Ah,
Toora, loora, loora
Toora, loora, li
Toora, loora, loora
It's an Irish lullaby
"That's really nice, Kazuma." You looked up at me, a weak smile on those rose petal lips.
"My mom was Irish. That's where I get this bright hair from. Everything else I get from my dad." I smiled as you leaned back against me. "That's why I'm always hiding somewhere on St. Patrick's Day. Mom always made a big fuss over it 'cause it was the only Irish holiday everyone celebrated."
"I understand. If I remembered my parents, my youko ones, I'd mourn on a special day we had." You frowned deeper, a dark shadow in your eyes. "Which is what I'll do when Kasaan passes on."
I stayed silent, rocking you gently. I needed to get away. Before I do something. Something I'll regret. "I'll be right back. You can have some strawberries."
"Arigatou."
I went into the bathroom, locking the door. I leaned against the wall and sobbed. I had wished this. I had wished he'd reject you, and he did. I wanted you to hurt; then I could get you. I wanted you to cry. I despise myself. Wishing you'd be hurt by the one you loved so I could have you.
I'm worthless. Just like everyone says. Like Shizuru said, 'You're only good for getting in trouble.'
"Kazuma? Are you all right?" You cared about me. Just a little gesture, but no one else gave a damn when locked myself in here. Not Yusuke, not Koenma, not my old gang, not even Shizuru. Lord forbids she cares about me. "Kazuma?"
"I'm fine. I'll be right out." I leaned against the counter and splashed water on my face. My hand fell on my razor blade, and I lifted it to the light. A small spot of dried blood was on it. I dropped it in the trash. I had enough scars. I've shed too much of my own blood.
You were on the couch, eating a strawberry as you pet Eikiechi. I sat beside you and Eikie jumped onto my lap and rubbed against me and purred. I pet him and he purred more.
"Love you too, Eikie." Satisfied, he jumped off my lap and played with his catnip mouse.
"He adores you, doesn't he?" You laughed. Laugh again, please, just for me? It makes me feel happy, hearing you laugh. "Kazuma?"
"Yeah," I looked away, gulping. Breathe, breathe and act normal.
"Are you okay? Are you sick?" You put your hand on my shoulder and I tensed. "Kazuma?"
A tried to talk, but only squeaked. I was going to break. I can't. I can't and I won't. I. Will. Not. Break. Kurama Equals Friend. Kurama doesn't Equal Boyfriend. Ever.
"Kazuma?! What's wrong?!" You turned me to face you and I gulped again.
"Don't...be worried...over me." I managed to choke. "I just, need to be alone."
"Are you sure?" You felt my cheek with that soft, delicate hand. I was ashamed of my ugliness. Those scars I put on myself when I was younger. Because I was why my parents died. I had to beg them to come to my softball game. I killed them.
"Like I hurt you." I felt the tears, building up, begging to fall.
"Nani?"
"I'm the reason my parents died. I begged them to come to a stupid game, and they died in a car crash. Then, I hurt you."
"How did you hurt me?"
"I wished Hiei would reject you. I wanted it to happen, so, so I, could have a chance with you. I love you, Kurama." I kissed you, long and hard, then the tears broke, and I cried as I kissed you. "I wished, that Hiei would hurt you, so I could win you. I treated you like a stupid prize. I'm sorry."
"You wanted me to be rejected?! After all the times you comforted me?! You wanted me to be hurt?"
"I'm sorry, I really am, Kurama!" I pulled you close and cried, but you shoved me away.
"Go to Hell...slowly and painfully!" You hissed and stormed out.
I did deserve that. I did deserve the pain. I wished it on you.
He wanted me hurting. He wanted Hiei to reject me. That, that, stupid, creature!
I ran up to my room, locked the door and collapsed onto my bed. I can't believe him. I really can't.
I picked up my phone and looked at the clock. 8:12. I dialed Yusuke's number and waited.
"Moshi Moshi."
"Yusuke, it's Kurama. Can I talk to you?"
An hour and 18 minutes later, I finished telling him about the times I went to Kazuma's and the night's events.
"Whoa. Kuwa wished Hiei would reject you, kissed you, and cried?"
"Hai. I don't know what to do." I bit my lip and winced. "I was too harsh."
"What good things happened?"
"He made me feel better, until I found out about his wish, he sang this really sweet lullaby for me, and that's it."
"Was it like this?"He cleared his throat. "Toora, loora, loora Toora, loora, li Toora, loora, loora?"
"Hai. How do you know?"
"Did he tell about his folks?"
"Hai."
"I suggest you go see him fast."
"Why should I? He-."
"Just go!" He hung up and I grabbed my coat. I might as well, that tone sounded urgent.
You hate me. I hate me. I think everyone hates me, you know, Kurama?
I have my razor, and I'm cutting my wrists. They're bleeding slowly, so I'll die slowly. They hurt, but not enough. It has to be painful. I slice my neck, now it really is painful.
I'm in the tub, covered in my blood. There's a picture of you hanging in here. I taped it up before I started. So I'm not alone this time. I reach up and stroke your picture's face. I got blood on it. I tainted your picture, like I hurt you.
"Kazuma? Where are you?"
I'm glad I turned out the light in here. You won't find me. I'll die. Slowly, painfully, and without mercy. I have pills I have to take, because I have chronic depression. I took an overdose once, by accident because the pills are small. I took 6 instead of 5. I counted to see why it happened. They're that small. When they kicked in, I couldn't feel a thing. I was blissfully numb. I fell asleep, and even though I had really cut up my arm, I didn't feel a thing. But those were mercy. I felt weak, my vision blurring, and I hurt. All over. Like I deserved.
"Goodbye, Kurama. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I didn't deserve to kiss you."
"KAZUMA!!" You walked in, you found me.
I walked in. Everything was the same. Minus Kazuma.
"Kazuma? Where are you?" I walked into his room, and noticed his laptop was on. I scrolled up to the beginning of a long document called 'Love me' As I read it, I noticed it was a collection of poems. About me. Why he loved me, what he thought about me, why he hid his love. I smile formed on my lips as I read one certain one. About how he'd always protect me, love me, and show his love.
"I was wrong." I stood up and walked by the bathroom. Something was wrong. I opened the door.
"Goodbye, Kurama. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I didn't deserve to kiss you."
"KAZUMA!!" I yelled as I pulled him up out of the tub.
"I'm sorry. I really am." He mumbled. Lord Inari-sama, don't let him die!
"Hush now, you need to get to Yukina." I pulled him up somehow and changed into my youko form to carry him. "Just stay with me."
"You wanted me to die." He whispered as I ran out the door and through the woods to the temple. "You said so."
"I never meant it. I swear, I never meant it." We reached the temple and Genkai ordered me to ay him on a mat she laid out. I did and she pushed me out, telling to wait out here. "It's all my fault."
"He cut himself?" Yusuke walked up the steps to where I sat, head in hands.
"Hai. It's all my fault!" I choked and he rubbed my back.
"No, no, Kurama. Don't blame yourself. He's been like this for a while."
"Nani?" I looked up at him. "What do you mean?"
"Kuwa told me once, after I walked in on him, cutting his wrists. He's got chronic depression. That's how I knew this would happen. That's why I told you to go see him, 'cause he'd fight anyone else."
"I told him to die Yusuke. Painfully and without mercy. I said it."
"Maybe. But, when I walked in on him, he said he deserved a painful death. He blames himself for so much already."
"Kuwabara is fine. He wants to talk to you Kurama." Genkai scowled at me. "Thought you were the smart one." She muttered as she stalked off. Kuwabara had been moved to an extra room and I walked in.
"Kazuma,"
"Hey. Can you ask Yusuke to get my medication for me? Then, come back." I nodded and gave Yusuke the message, then sat on the edge of the bed.
"Don't apologize. I wasn't thinking straight. I hadn't taken my anti-depressants. When I don't, my emotions go crazy."
"That's why you kissed me, and couldn't breathe?"
"Yeah. I was scared, nervous, angry at myself 'cause I hurt you, at Hiei for the same reason, and, I was worried, that I'd break and you'd reject me. Which you did."
"I..." I didn't know what to say, I was to blame for all this. I pushed him over the edge. He should be hating me.
"I don't hate you, and I don't blame you." He sat up and pulled me into his arms. So warm, and safe, like I felt when Kuronue had held me. "Let's just forget this happened. Let's just move on."
I nodded, wrapping my arms around him. I didn't deserve this, but I wasn't about to let go. Not yet, anyway. "Want to hear a lullaby Kasaan sang to me?"
"Sure, Kurama."
Lullaby and good night, with roses bedight Lullaby and good night, thy mother's delight
With lilies o'er spread is baby's wee bed
Lay thee down now and rest, may thy slumber be blessed
Lay thee down now and rest, may thy slumber be blessed
Bright angels beside my darling abide
They will guard thee at rest, thou shalt wake on my breast
They will guard thee at rest, thou shalt wake on my breast
"Kazuma, I don't want to get your hopes up, but," I pulled away. "I could give being you a chance, but I doubt it will work out."
"It's okay. Thanks though." He looked uncertain for a moment, then kissed me quickly. "Alright, Kurama, scram. I'm going to sleep."
"As you wish, Kazuma." I smiled and walked out, meeting Genkai in the living room.
What had I hoped for? Him to say 'I love you, Kazuma' and kiss me wildly? Yeah right.
I scowled at myself and fell asleep.
((Dream))
"Oh, Kazuma," Kurama moaned as I kissed his neck slowly moving up to his lips, then tonguing him for all it was worth. "Mmm,"
Kurama faded away and everything around me turned black. "What, can't I at least be happy in my fucking dreams!?
"Now, now, Kazu, that type of language isn't allowed in me house!" An Irish accent, the same as I remember, scolded.
"Ma?" I turned around and there she was. The same orange-red hair, the same green eyes, beautiful as always. "Is it really you?"
"No, Kazu, Joan of Arc. Come give me a hug, me boyo." I did, and swung her around.
"I missed you so much!"
"Put me down you big lug! You're too much like your Pa! Honestly!" She huffed and I put her down. "What are all these scars from? More brawlin'? Can't you learn?"
"Actually,"
"I know. You blamed yourself for what happened. Well, twasn't your fault. I'd of ended up going one way or another. Can't blame yourself for it. But, these'll have to go." She started rubbing the scars with the edge of her apron like smudges of dirt and my face tingled.
"Ma, do you know about Kurama?"
"I do. And it's good he don't feel for ya, and you need to stop lovin' him. Though, I did like that Jin guy who kissed ya."
"MA!" I whined.
"Ah, I'm only fooling you. Well, I have to go now. And by the way, try wearin' your hair in a tail. Like Pa did. It'd look good on ya."
"Bye, Ma."
"Bye, Kazu. I'll try to visit some other time."
I woke up and Yusuke prodded me. I kept my eyes closed, but he poked me more.
"You're going to wake-up, and you'll take your pills." I opened my eyes groggily and lost my breath when I realized I was looking into gorgeous chocolate brown eyes. But, Kurama. I love him, he was going to give me a chance. "Up, Kuwa. Don't make me yank you up."
"Okay, okay." I sat up and he handed me a glass of water and some pills. I counted them, just to make sure. I gulped them down and he took the glass.
"What do you want to eat?"
"I'm not hungry. Thanks though."
"I asked what you wanted to eat, not if you wanted to eat." He frowned at me. You lost a lot of blood. Genkai said we almost lost you. So, what'll you have?"
"Cheeseburger?"
"You got it." He started walking out but stopped once he opened the door. "Don't do that again. Ever. If I have to make sure you never touch a sharp object again, I will." I heard him whisper something just before he left. "I won't lose you."
Loving your best friend, that's really something. I always envied him. Everybody liked him when we first met. He only fought with a good reason, had friends, but he hated me. Especially 'cause I beat him up so badly.
"Jealousy is a dangerous foe." Hiei. That damned demon caused all this. If he hadn't rejected Kurama, Kuwa would of called me, and we'd talk, and, I could tell him. "We both know you would turn tail the moment you tried to tell him, detective. Ano, who-"
"Shut up. I know I would, but this is your fault. We both know. Kuwa wouldn't of tried to do that to himself, not if you accepted Kurama."
"If I may finish, detective. Who am I to talk? I turned tail and yelled at him. So, I propose a deal."
"Nani?"
"I tell Kurama the truth, if you tell the ningen the truth."
"Kurama is right behind you." I smirked and Hiei jumped, turning to face Kurama. So much for composure. "Bye, Hiei. Remember the deal."
"Shimatta," Hiei cursed under his breath.
"What deal, Hiei? Or am I not allowed to speak with you?" I was mad at him. He didn't have to yell at me like he did.
"I, I'm sorry." His hands were behind his back, and he shuffled his feet. Like a child, caught red handed. "For yelling, and, IliedbecauseIwasafraid."
"Hm, you're forgiven for yelling. But, what was that other part?"
He mumbled something, but I caught three distinct words. "I love you."
"Hiei, I'll forgive you for lying, if you do one thing for me." I kneeled down so I was level with him.
"Nani, Kitsune?"
"Kiss me." He smirked and pulled me close to him, then crushing our lips together. I wrapped my arms around his neck as his tongue pushed it's way into my mouth. I pushed into his mouth and took over the kiss, which apparently annoyed him because he fought back and took over again.
"I'm dominant, understand?"
"No. Maybe you should, prove your dominance?" I smirked and he yanked me up and out the temple door.
"He's happy. And I can move on." It hurt. But I wouldn't let it hold me down.
"You okay, Kuwa?" I turned and saw Yusuke, holding two plates with a burger each.
"Yeah. Thanks, Yusuke." I took one and walked back into the bedroom, plopping down on my bed.
"I know you better, Kazuma. Your upset, and don't try lying, I know when you're upset." Yusuke sat next to me, but I ignored him. I just munched on my burger and refused to look at him.
He doesn't know me as much as he thinks.
"I've read those poems of yours." I choked. How could he?! I've never let anyone read them. "Once I decided to come over for a routine visit, and you weren't home. I looked on your computer, invasion of privacy, yes, but, I couldn't help it. And you need a better password then KURAMA, by the way." He looked hurt for a minute, but it flickered away. Almost. I could see it in his eyes. "I read all that poetry, and it was really good. Quick criticism, rhyming is -not- your thing."
"I only tried once." I muttered.
"And I read that journal thing of yours. You are seriously messed up when you don't take that medication."
"I think I know that. I just tried to kill myself for a stupid reason." I felt tears in my eyes again.
"You saw Kurama and Hiei, didn't you?" He moved next to me and put his burger down.
"Hai. But it'll help me get over him. Ma didn't like him either, and before you say I need to see my shrink, I saw her in a dream."
"What happened to your face? All those cuts are gone." He put his hands on my face, stroking it.
"It's weird."
"Ma rubbed 'em off in my dream." I grinned.
"Kazuma," Yusuke leaned closer and wrapped his arms around my waist. I did the same, I couldn't stop, it was, it felt so right, and I couldn't help it. "I know you like Kurama, but, I love you."
"I don't love you, Yusuke. But I want to." I kissed him, and he kissed me back.
"I'll deal with that."
Koenma shut off his large TV screen and sighed, leaning back in his chair.
"I will never understand you, Arzu." Koenma sighed again, this time chuckling at the mentioned woman. She had incredibly large white angel wings wearing a long, flowing gown that shimmered in different colors. Her hair was blue-black, twisted in braids that curled like vines around the others. The godling continues, his tome bitter and regretful. "I thought Kazuma and Kurama would be with each other…but Yusuke will be happy. I'll never understand the way you work, making people fall in love with the wrong ones..."
"Of course you don't, Koenma-sama. Love is a dangerous angel."