"And it hurts to want everything
And nothing at the same time
I want what's yours
And I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time" -Michelle Branch "Goodbye To You"
I was lucky. For a very small amount of time. Eleven months to be exact.
I was the girl everyone wanted to be like. The girl who got to date Draco Malfoy, the bad boy, the gorgeous one, the one with more galleons than one could want. And, I got to play the part. The princess, the queen, the girl who was so envied for so little of a time.
But it ended.
As it 'oh so often does.'
Love is brief, and rarely does it last eternally. It hurts because for a while you were on the top of the world. The pinnacle of success, your face always smiling. Curls dance around your face. It was short.
For a while, everyone loves you, and you love everyone. You are the chosen one, the lucky one. The one that everyone 'wants' to be like. I was that girl.
No one worth possessing can be quite possessed, one intelligent lady once said. He possessed me; yet, I could never truly posses him.
I'm sure you don't understand let me elaborate.
I was so open with my feelings so ready to give everything for him, and he was a cold shell. I poured my feelings and emotions into this, essentially, brick wall. And he, he did nothing.
And I thought I was in love. I felt like I'd die for him, if only he requested it. I believed everything. I fell into every trap. I claimed my foolishness on 'love' I blamed my behavior on love. He was my rock. He was what I lived for. My very being of existence.
Sooner or later I felt more like a possession than an actual feeling person. I was so, pulled in and intrigued to him that 'I' didn't matter. Only our 'union' mattered. Everything for us. Or him. Nothing for me. It wasn't even balanced.
I no longer went out with friends on the weekends, owl-ed Mum and Dad, talked to Ron about life, stole food from the kitchens, I was no longer me. Everything that had once had meaning went away with the tides. My independence faded, I was attached at the hip to this boy who, frankly, could careless about me. 'I' was so far gone.
I no longer lived for me, or the stars, the moon, the setting sun. No. It was no longer all about me nothing was about me. I cared none about myself. My only form of self-acceptance or happiness revolved around what Draco said, or didn't for that matter. I didn't get happiness from my inner light, my inner candle.
But, giving your trust in only one person cannot be good. And it wasn't.
Like, people never saw us apart. Whenever I was awake, I was with him. No matter what. That was just 'how it was' and that was it. I lost my identity in him. I lost my soul in him.
So, that was how it was. I was addicted to him in such a way it was unhealthy. And, he toyed with me. My mind was no longer mine; my soul was sold to the devil. Slowly, I as a sole being deteriorated.
Have you ever felt like the core was breaking and you couldn't stop it? Like you were some helpless little girl who depended on this boy to make you happy? As though, you were no longer you? As though you were living for no meaning? It's just as I felt my soul got tired. My heart was beating for him.
It's a sick mentality really. To be living off of someone else and their power over you. Very sick. Yet I was convinced I was in 'love' and love is about someone having power over your soul. That you would tag along like some sick puppy.
I would've licked the dirt off his shoes.
It's terrible I hate saying it. It makes me feel so terrible, but I was so vulnerable. So empty. And what hurts, is that I kept coming back to him.
He was like some sick cup of coffee that, however bad for you, was addicting. But I wasn't filled up.
I had to keep coming back.
It scared me, how much I was losing myself. How little of the real "me" there was left. How little I actually liked myself.
I used to be a confident girl. I used to be an 'I don't care what anyone thinks about me' girl. I used to be someone with a backbone. I used to bake cookies with Mum, waltz with Dad, and talk with Ron about everything. I used to love myself. Not the way other people loved me.
It was nice being an independent girl. But no, I then, had to meet the bane of my existence: Draco Malfoy.
The boy that I hated, and loved all in one. I realized that love is not black and white, and that you want to never let the person go, and you want to squeeze them like a cute puppy. I loved him so much that I began to hate the amount of control he had over me over me. But I gave him that control.
I gave in I was so weak. So, we'd break up, and get back together. Because I couldn't live without him.
My family told me I was being stupid, but I didn't care, their opinion didn't matter, only Draco's did.
I don't know, I guess he was a decent boyfriend. He didn't know how much control he had over me, and the little bit he knew about the more he played around me. He used it to his every advantage.
But now, after eleven months, I've gone away from him. And I'm never turning back. Ever. Ever. I mean it, I'm not a young sixteen-year-old girl anymore, I'm seventeen, and I know what I want. I'll never let someone hurt me like that anymore, I'm worth so more than a cheap compliment. I'm worth so more than he ever gave me credit for.
I am not a possession, and I am not a thing to be possessed, I'm a human being. And I love myself.
But yet, I still have this turquoise ring on my hand, the promise ring he gave me. It's still on my finger. And it's staying there. Because I can't let go, of myself.
And nothing at the same time
I want what's yours
And I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time" -Michelle Branch "Goodbye To You"
I was lucky. For a very small amount of time. Eleven months to be exact.
I was the girl everyone wanted to be like. The girl who got to date Draco Malfoy, the bad boy, the gorgeous one, the one with more galleons than one could want. And, I got to play the part. The princess, the queen, the girl who was so envied for so little of a time.
But it ended.
As it 'oh so often does.'
Love is brief, and rarely does it last eternally. It hurts because for a while you were on the top of the world. The pinnacle of success, your face always smiling. Curls dance around your face. It was short.
For a while, everyone loves you, and you love everyone. You are the chosen one, the lucky one. The one that everyone 'wants' to be like. I was that girl.
No one worth possessing can be quite possessed, one intelligent lady once said. He possessed me; yet, I could never truly posses him.
I'm sure you don't understand let me elaborate.
I was so open with my feelings so ready to give everything for him, and he was a cold shell. I poured my feelings and emotions into this, essentially, brick wall. And he, he did nothing.
And I thought I was in love. I felt like I'd die for him, if only he requested it. I believed everything. I fell into every trap. I claimed my foolishness on 'love' I blamed my behavior on love. He was my rock. He was what I lived for. My very being of existence.
Sooner or later I felt more like a possession than an actual feeling person. I was so, pulled in and intrigued to him that 'I' didn't matter. Only our 'union' mattered. Everything for us. Or him. Nothing for me. It wasn't even balanced.
I no longer went out with friends on the weekends, owl-ed Mum and Dad, talked to Ron about life, stole food from the kitchens, I was no longer me. Everything that had once had meaning went away with the tides. My independence faded, I was attached at the hip to this boy who, frankly, could careless about me. 'I' was so far gone.
I no longer lived for me, or the stars, the moon, the setting sun. No. It was no longer all about me nothing was about me. I cared none about myself. My only form of self-acceptance or happiness revolved around what Draco said, or didn't for that matter. I didn't get happiness from my inner light, my inner candle.
But, giving your trust in only one person cannot be good. And it wasn't.
Like, people never saw us apart. Whenever I was awake, I was with him. No matter what. That was just 'how it was' and that was it. I lost my identity in him. I lost my soul in him.
So, that was how it was. I was addicted to him in such a way it was unhealthy. And, he toyed with me. My mind was no longer mine; my soul was sold to the devil. Slowly, I as a sole being deteriorated.
Have you ever felt like the core was breaking and you couldn't stop it? Like you were some helpless little girl who depended on this boy to make you happy? As though, you were no longer you? As though you were living for no meaning? It's just as I felt my soul got tired. My heart was beating for him.
It's a sick mentality really. To be living off of someone else and their power over you. Very sick. Yet I was convinced I was in 'love' and love is about someone having power over your soul. That you would tag along like some sick puppy.
I would've licked the dirt off his shoes.
It's terrible I hate saying it. It makes me feel so terrible, but I was so vulnerable. So empty. And what hurts, is that I kept coming back to him.
He was like some sick cup of coffee that, however bad for you, was addicting. But I wasn't filled up.
I had to keep coming back.
It scared me, how much I was losing myself. How little of the real "me" there was left. How little I actually liked myself.
I used to be a confident girl. I used to be an 'I don't care what anyone thinks about me' girl. I used to be someone with a backbone. I used to bake cookies with Mum, waltz with Dad, and talk with Ron about everything. I used to love myself. Not the way other people loved me.
It was nice being an independent girl. But no, I then, had to meet the bane of my existence: Draco Malfoy.
The boy that I hated, and loved all in one. I realized that love is not black and white, and that you want to never let the person go, and you want to squeeze them like a cute puppy. I loved him so much that I began to hate the amount of control he had over me over me. But I gave him that control.
I gave in I was so weak. So, we'd break up, and get back together. Because I couldn't live without him.
My family told me I was being stupid, but I didn't care, their opinion didn't matter, only Draco's did.
I don't know, I guess he was a decent boyfriend. He didn't know how much control he had over me, and the little bit he knew about the more he played around me. He used it to his every advantage.
But now, after eleven months, I've gone away from him. And I'm never turning back. Ever. Ever. I mean it, I'm not a young sixteen-year-old girl anymore, I'm seventeen, and I know what I want. I'll never let someone hurt me like that anymore, I'm worth so more than a cheap compliment. I'm worth so more than he ever gave me credit for.
I am not a possession, and I am not a thing to be possessed, I'm a human being. And I love myself.
But yet, I still have this turquoise ring on my hand, the promise ring he gave me. It's still on my finger. And it's staying there. Because I can't let go, of myself.