I would like to thank Whizza01 for helping me come up with this idea and Horseyyay for giving me some much needed advice on humour... Thanks guys :D
Disclaimer: I do not own The Hobbit or anything you recognise...
Thorin Oakenshield was suspicious. It was the third time that week that his nephew Kili had snuck out of Erebor with the pretence of going for a walk. Well, this time Thorin was going to see what he was really up to.
Stealthily (for a dwarf), Thorin followed his youngest nephew out beyond the mountain and into an area of new woodland that had managed to break through the Desolation of Smaugs deathly pallor, despite being newly grown it still created a moderately dense hiding spot. Thorin stifled a gasp of surprise as he watched from a distance, Kili bending down and collecting a small bouquet of flowers, Thorin crouched behind a tree and watched curiously as the young dwarf sat on a rock and waited.
Thorin was beginning to think about leaving when suddenly a rustle in the bushes behind Kili made him alert and ready to strike if anything tried to attack him or his oblivious nephew.
Hand gripping his sword Thorin was about to make himself known when a red haired elf leapt from the bushes with a joyful,
'Got you again Kili!'
Thorin watched in disbelief as his nephew turned to her with a yelp and replied,
'Thats a shame because I got you these,' Here Kili brandished the small bouquet, 'But,' He continued mockingly, 'I'm not quite sure if you deserve them.' As holding them above his head would have been pointless Kili held the flowers behind his back and struggled against the elf who was now wrapping her arms around him playfully in her efforts to reach the flowers. To Thorins fury Kili began giggling, yes GIGGLING!, and yelping,
'Tauriel! Stop! They are mine!'
Thorin was ready to vomit, seeing his beloved nephew in the arms of an elf simply turned his stomach but that was nothing compared to what he saw next.
After all the struggling some how Kili had ended up nestled snugly in Tauriels arms, bouquet now forgotten on the ground as the couple whispered at each other before entering into a deep passionate kiss.
Thorin tried to stifle a gag as he stumbled away from the scene. He didn't want to witness anymore of the horrific pairing so resigned himself to returning to Erebor. He strode through the trees cursing and kicking the small rocks and flowers that littered the ground.
Flowers...
That gave Thorin an idea of how to teach his youngest nephew a lesson.
He decided to pick some flowers for Kili…
Fili was bored…
Both his uncle and brother had left the mountain leaving him no one to prank and no one to prank with. So tired of training and being yelled at by Dwalin, Fili ventured off to the kitchens where one could usually find Bombur stuffing his face, but on rare occasions he would be toiling over some new delicious concoction. When Fili found him that day it was the latter, hunched over a pan that was rested over fierce flames. An odd popping noise filled the room and made Fili tense and alert for any incoming danger; as sometimes Bomburs experiments did go badly wrong, much to the anger of Balin who had once been unfortunate not to duck for cover quite in time… the poor dwarf was stained crimson for a week! Luckily the boiling substance seemed to be calming down as Bombur lifted the pan from the fire and set it aside to cool while he prepared some odd looking seasoning in another part of the vast kitchens.
Fili watched in silent admiration as Bombur, with an expert hand, mixed and then spread the seasoning in the pan and mixed it all again.
It was obviously done and a success judging by the noises that the overweight dwarf was making as he filled his mouth with the unidentified substance.
'Made another delicious breakthrough eh?!' Fili inquired as he made his presence known, 'And you didn't fetch me straight away!?' He said with mock hurt
Bombur turned and looked at the expression on the younger dwarfs face and chuckled, mouth still full with his newest discovery; a rather sticky one Fili thought, judging by the dark drips on his large mustache.
Just as Bombur opened his mouth to reply he was cut of by a howling cry of,
'FILI! GET OUT HERE NOW!'
Fili scowled, his uncle really did pick the worst times to find some task for him. Just as he was turning to leave Bombur cleared his throat and held out a small sack partially filled with the new delicacy.
'Aw thanks Bombur.' Fili said taking the sack.
'FILI!'
Fili cringed at the hints of insanity evident in his uncles voice.
'Gotta go!' He yelped sprinting towards the main gates, leaving Bombur to chuckle and wave at an empty doorway.
Thorin lounged on his throne, lolling his head back waiting for Fili to lead his condemned brother into Thorins vengeful grasp. He was glad Fili had agreed to the plan, but was rather surprised at the gusto of which he did. He hadn't told Fili what his little brother had done to deserve such treatment but to the eldest nephew it made no difference, he enjoyed every opportunity to get one up on Kili.
Upon hearing two pairs of footsteps rapidly nearing, Thorin hurriedly straightened up into a more regal pose, pausing long enough to tug a particularly thorny part of the bouquet, which he had cunningly hid under his tunic, away from his armpit. Just as he brought his hands back down, his two nephews entered the room.
Oh he was going to enjoy this…
Kili had returned from the woodland area with a grin on his face. He always enjoyed meeting with Tauriel, she listened to him and appreciated him like no one else would. Although he loved his brother dearly Kili had spent his entire life feeling like second best, as Fili was heir to the throne he always took priority in his uncles eyes. At least Dwalin had a certain respect for him, given his choice of weapon, but in the eyes of his uncle even that made him inferior to his brother. Just because he used a bow and arrow whereas most dwarves chose axes or swords, Uncle Thorin had never liked it, 'Leave all the cowardice and hiding in shadows to the elves!' he had always said, 'We dwarves go onto the battlefield proudly and face the enemy head on!'
But Tauriel had none of those prejudices, she saw him for who he was, an intelligent, witty, moderately handsome (as she always said), dwarf. Not a second best, reserve prince.
Kili loved Tauriel and felt sure she felt the same for him.
So that was why when Kili returned to Erebor he had a smile on his face. Even when Fili ran and greeted him at the gates saying he had to go and meet their uncle in the throne room, Kili still felt on top of the world.
The moment the two brothers walked into the throne room that all changed. As soon as Kili caught sight of the sickly grin plastered on Thorins face he stopped dead in his tracks.
'Oh Kili.' Thorin sing songed, getting up from the throne and walking slowly towards them, reaching inside his tunic, 'You have been out so much recently.' Thorin continued, he stopped walking and found the item he was looking for, 'I missed you, so to show you how much I care... I got you some flowers.' Thorin finished brandishing the bouquet.
Kili stared at the flowers, mind racing, there was only one place around the mountain that you could find flowers like those…
Kilis jaw hung agape.
Oh.
Kili turned and tried to run for the door only to see it guarded by his fiendish older brother who was leant against it grinning and shaking his head. The panicked dwarf was tackled from behind by his fuming uncle who rolled Kili onto his back and sat astride him, holding the flowers in front of him. Thorin then proceeded to reprimand the young dwarf, punctuating every few words with a hearty smack in the face from the slightly prickly bouquet.
'YOU DARE!' *SMACK* 'SHAME OUR FAMILY!' *SMACK* 'OUR HERITAGE!' *SMACK* 'BY CONSORTING!' *SMACK* 'WITH AN ELF!?' *SMACK SMACK* 'YOU BEFOUL OUR NAME!' *SMACK* 'BEFOUL YOURSELF!'
'Uncle!' Kili managed to squeak between blows.
'DO NOT SPEAK TO ME WITH YOUR FILTHY TONGUE!' Thorin roared, punctuated with two more blows with the bouquet. 'CLEANSE YOUR MOUTH OF THAT FILTHY TEMPTRESS!' Thorin didn't beat the flowers around Kilis head this time, instead he pried the young dwarfs mouth open and proceed to use the bouquet as a plunger in his mouth. Kili lay there coughing and spluttering, struggling against the floral tastes poisoning his mouth. By the time Thorin had enough Kili had tears in his eyes and was struggling to breath.
Thorin stood and walked away with disdain, secretly thinking that he should plant some flowers closer to Erebor as it was surprisingly effective - he doubted Kili would be sneaking out of the mountain any time soon.
Thorin allowed a satisfied smirk to cross his face as he stalked out of the throne room.
Fili had thoroughly enjoyed the performance of his little brother being beaten with a bunch of flowers, he had been shocked by the revelation that Kili had been in a relationship with an elf but he soon forgot as he watched the amusing scene.
Stern Thorin holding a bunch of flowers was funny enough, but to see him beating his own nephew, Fili had to make a conscious effort not to burst out in hysterics.
He had also used the time to open the sack that Bombur had given him. It was the first time he had seen the mysterious food and it looked quite bizarre. Strange shapes, usually circular but they had all sorts of ridges and lumps marring the surface, and all of these were covered in an odd sticky light brown substance. Fili hesitantly raised one to his lips and tentatively licked it, still watching Kili and Thorin, his eyebrows shot up and he immediately ate the ball.
It was delicious!
Somehow it was sweet but still strangely salty along with a mixture of some other curious tastes which he wasn't accustomed to.
He chomped his way through most of the contents of the sack, happy to have his full attention back on the entertainment. By the time is uncle was satisfied and left there was only a few of the balls left inside the sack.
Licking his lips Fili watched as Kili waited until he was sure Thorin had gone before sitting up and spitting out the now ruined bouquet that Thorin had left in his mouth for good measure.
Fili grinned at the expression that adorned his dear brothers face, utter disgust as he left his tongue outside his mouth clearly showing the discomforting tastes that stuck to his throat and made him gag.
'You ok little brother?' Fili asked, attempting to smile less but failing miserably.
'Y-yes.' Kili sobbed, desperately trying not to let tears fall as he picked a stem from a nostril and the head of a flower from his ear.
'Here, eat this.' Fili threw one of the balls at his shaking brother. Normally Kili would have protested but this time he threw it in his mouth without question, face relaxing somewhat as he sucked the small ball, comforting sweetness replacing the sickening floral taste.
'Got any more?' He asked after swallowing.
'Sorry,' Choked out Fili, mouth full after downing the rest, 'Here have the sack, there is still some crumbs at the bottom!' He laughed throwing the empty sack to his desperate brother, still sat on the floor.
Fili watched as Kili snatched it up and began inspecting the insides to see if there really was any more, turning on his heel the elder brother went to find their uncle to congratulate him on the excellent punishment. And then as an afterthought, Fili decided to go and visit Bombur to tell him of his genius!
Kili sat on the floor even after Fili left, desperately trying to lick the remains of the sweet substance out of the sack, ANYTHING to get the memory of those damned flowers out of his head!
What were these balls called? Kili inspected the side of the sack to see if there were any markings.
Ah ha! Now he had a name for this delicious food, this 'Popped Corn'.
Ok :) Hope you enjoyed that... sorry if they were too OOC - all reviews are welcome :D
MapleLeafy o_O