THE BALLAD OF FATTY ROSWELL
Written by Mike "Slomoto" Cervantes
Earthworm Jim and all related characters are coppyright Shiny ent.
Narrator: Today, We join our heroes squirming under the mercy of the evil Queen Bloated,
pulsating, Festering, Sweaty, puss-filled, Malformed Slug for a Butt.
(The queen has Jim and Peter Puppy chained against a wall in a dungeon. Jim is not wearing his
suit, As the Queen is holding it in her arms.)
Queen: HahHah, Now that I have your suit, Earthworm Jim, I shall use it's powers to rule the
world. And, just to make sure you don't get it back, I'm going to have my guards make you
squirm under their mercy. ZURBS! Administer the really icky torture to the prisoner.
(A zurb stands in front of Jim and Peter holding a large piece of paper.)
Jim: Sweet sod have mercy, Peter! He's FOLDING A MAP THE WRONG WAY!
Peter: try to stay strong, Big fella...
Jim: You're right, I must try to tune this hideous display out of my mind.
(Jim shuts his eyes and starts to strain. Suddenly he opens his eyes which are now glowing
bright white. The shackles on Jim's worm body shatter and he goes floating around the room.)
Queen (inching her way out of the dungeon.) now, where am I going to get a shoehorn and 50 cans
of axle grease? (Jim floats by.) hey look, a flying worm. Flying worm?
(Jim stares at the Queen. The queen gets hoisted up in the air and goes crashing through the
dungeon cieling.)
Queen: (Still flying through the air) I really must come up with some worse torture techniques.
Jim: (floats into his suit and opens his eyes) Hey? How'd I get here? No matter! (runs over to
Peter and pulls off Peter's shackles.)
Peter: Wow! I thought we were really done for. Good thing your amazing psychic powers kicked in.
Jim: What amazing psychic powers?
Peter: *Sigh* Nevermind, Let's go get some lunch!
EARTHWORM JIM!
The soil he did crawl.
EARTHWORM JIM!
A Super-Suit did fall.
Jim was just a dirt-eating, chewy length of worm flesh,
But all that came to a crashing end. Oh, Haha...
EARTHWORM JIM!
He's such a groovy guy.
EARTHWORM JIM!
He rockets through the sky.
Cruising through the universe, having lots of fun.
Here comes Earthorm Jim you know that he's the mighty one. LOOK OUT!
Despite his great big muscles and his really big ray gun,
Jim is still an Earthworm, but then he's the only one,
with a super suit to make him really super strong.
Jim can be a winner if you only sing along.
THAT'S RIGHT! EARTHWORM JIM!
He's really mighty fine.
EARTHWORM JIM!
A Hero for all time.
EARTHWORM, EARTHWORM, EARTHWORM, EARTHWORM JIM!
Hoo-Ray for Jim!
Gahhrovy!
-
Narrator: *Ahem* Correct. We join our heroes having a bit of lunch at an intergalactic food
restaraunt.
Jim: Give them the 411, voice guy!
Narrator: Very well. Having been open for 20 years, Fatty's Burger Barge has been
delighting the the intergalactic fast food-goers with their friendly family atmosphere and low
prices.
Peter: Is that all it is?
Jim: what do you mean?
Peter: Oh, come on, you can't tell? The food here reeks big onions! I don't know how you can even
digest these "Barge Burgers."
Jim: I like it here. You haven't touched your "hot Tribble pie."
Peter: Um, now that I have a look at it, I don't think I want to eat a anything harrier than I am.
Jim: (Sing-song) Don't mind if I do, fuzz buddy! (takes the pie and starts chewing on it.)
Narrator: Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Jim, his masticatory actions are being carefully
monitored.
(A security camera mounted on the wall zooms in on Jim's eating. In another room, a series of
TV sets are piled ontop of eachother. A Shadowy figure is sitting on a chair watching the
Images of Jim.)
?: Can you believe that? He's actually enjoying the food here. I came up with the recipies
and even I don't like to eat that Tribble pie. McKay! Get your Pimply alien butt in here!
(A short alien wearing a fast food outfit walks in.)
McKay: yes Maste-, ut, I mean, boss.
?: Perhaps you can tell me what manner of beast is that. The one eating 57 dollars worth of
Hamburgers.
McKay: that's no beast. It's Earthworm Jim, the intergalactic superhero that also happens to be
an invertebrate. I have all his action figures.
?: Earthworm Jim, eh? Do you know what this means for us, McKay?
McKay: That your hamburgers taste just like a rotting corpse?
?: yeah, but besides that.
McKay: I give up...
?: That worm is the only being in existance that loves my cooking. If I could get a sample
of his brain fluid, I could add it to my hamburgers. Once the public eats my tainted food, they
will begin to love my burgers, and I will quadruple my income! BwahHaHaHahH!
McKay: Why can't you just make the hambugers taste better?
?: Nonsense, I'm the boss, you'll do what I say. Now, assemble the night workers. We got an
abduction to make.
Narrator: Who is this martian madman? What has he planned for our favorite worm superhero?
Why do I always answer myself in questions? Do I know why? Stay tuned to find out.
-
(Bob the Goldfish gets carried into a bluescreen room by #4. Bob faces the audience.)
Bob: Hello out there in TV land. I am Bob the killer Goldfish. As an animated cartoon personality
I don't get to step out of character very often, But, I'm here to fight back against acusations
that my home, La Planeta De Agua (Arriba) Is an unfit place to live. Roll the film, Boomer.
(the film begins with Bob's narration. A wide shot of La Planeta De Agua is seen.)
Bob: La Planeta de Agua (Arriba) Is home to some of the finest underwater resorts in the tri-
galaxy area. The visitors to this small, watery planitoid get to enjoy many wholesome activities.
Such as, boating, scuba diving, and running from ferocious Tiger sharks. Jus' think of it as a
beach with no land on it.
(The film shuts down. #7 walks in.)
Bob: I happen to know, ladies and gentlemen, that La Planeta De Agua (arriba) is the only place
where gigantic mutant cats 'n tropical fish live in perfect harmony.
#7: Deeh, That's right, Boss.
Bob: #7? I thought I fired you!
#7: You didn't fire me, I quit!
Bob: No, I fired you!
#7: I quit!
Bob: Fired!
#7: quit!
Bob: *sighs* Ok, have it your way. You quit
#7: Yeah. So, do I still got my job?
Bob: FOURR!
(#4 grabs #7 and tosses him off screen.)
Bob: Oh, forget this. Sure ladies and gentlemen, La Planeta de Agua (Arriba) is a pretty
crummy place to live. But, just you wait, De, HEHeh. Once I take over the universe noone's gonna
have a place to live... On the count, You'll all be my SLAVES! MUAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAAAH!
(#4 sits Bob's goldfish bowl on the ground and walks off.)
Bob: Oh, wait, #4, get back here! Get your...Oh, just fade to black...
Narrator: and now, back to Earthworm Jim. Where, after a full day fo fighting crime, our hero
heads home for a long rest.
Jim: It's hard to stay up after 57 dollars worth of hamburgers.
(Jim steps out of the bathroom wearing a pair of blue-striped Pajamas. He unfolds his
bedsheets and crawls into bed. He tosses and turns for a little while.)
Jim: Rrgh. Something's missing...
(Snott hops into bed. Jim picks him up and cradles him like a teddy bear.)
Jim: Much better.
Snott: ShluHughoo...
Jim: Good night, Snott.
(Jim and Snott go to sleep. The room gets filled with bright light and hums in an eerie
tone.)
Jim: (still asleep) Pe-ter? don't make popcorn now...
(Jim's bed starts floating in the air. Jim bumps against the cieling, making him turn
over and put a pillow over his head. The bed crashes through the roof of the house and drifts
into the opening of a flying saucer.)
Narrator: Moments later...
(Jim wakes up to find he's been put in a prison cell.)
Jim: Jimminy! I've been captured. Where the heck am I?
Snott: HucchaSlopps Hecha thop...
Jim: I don't think we're in Turlauk anymore Snott.
Voice: O'course not, you're in this here flying saucer, isn't that wild?
(Jim looks in the cell across from his to see a slghtly overweight man wearing reflective
sunglasses. He has a huge quaff of hair and is wearing a white suit with a blue undershirt.
He's got a bunch of gold rings.)
Jim: Great Googly-Woogly! It's "The King!"
Preston: Who's a King? I dunno no King. My name's Preston, Uh-huh.
Jim: Preston? Do you not know who you are? You're-
Preston: I don't know who I am. I've lost my memory. In fact, I remember the last time I lost my
memory.
Jim: Aw, you're not having a flashback are you?
Preston: 'Fraid so Worm-Boy. Y'see, a few years ago I used to be a pretty important person on
Earth. Until one day, many years ago I was abducted from Las Vegas. A pink alien dude named
Fatty Roswell said he wanted me to conduct brain experiments on a'n junk. He erased all memory
of who I used to be. I later escaped this place on a laundry rocket, which landed in "the land of
The fried Bananas." Wonderful. The Fried Banana people took me in and accepted me as one of their
own. In turn I helped them by driving away their persuers, who turned out to be a bunch of
monkeys. I was known as "Preston, The Monkey slayer." But then, Fatty abducted me again, so now
I'm here. Uh-Huh.
Jim: Fatty Roswell? The fast food enrepeneur?
Preston: Uh-Huh.
Jim: well, he may make burgers just like mother used to make, but no-one imprisons "The King."
Preston: ut, who's this "King" you keep talkin' 'bout?
Jim: Nevermind that, How do you get out of here?
Preston: Well, I used to try sneaking out thorugh the laundry chute, but Since Fatty got himself his
own washing machine. I'm afraid there ain't no way offa this Jailhouse rock.
Jim: I'll get us out. These bars look like no match for my incredible strength! (Jim pulls on
ths bars, which don't budge.) Dang, this isn't working.
Preston: why don't you try going up the air vent in your cell?
Jim: Hey, I thought there wasn't a way out.
Preston: I didn't notice that vent until now, Isn't that wild?
Snott: Squaa, Squaa.
Jim: Excellent suggestion, Booger Buddy! (Jim picks up Snott and tosses him in the air)
Ally-Oop!
(Snott oozes through the vent, and then pulls the screen off.)
Jim: Ok, hoist me up!
(Snott stretches downward and picks up Jim. He carries Jim up the vent.)
Preston: what a couple o' weirdos.
(Snott breaks down a vent in Preston's cell and scoops Preston up too.)
Narrator: Meanwhile, elsewhere in the ship.
(Fatty Roswell is sitting in the contol room when an alarm goes off.)
Fatty: Sweet Sarah Lee! What's going on.
McKay: Sir! The Prisoners have escaped!
Fatty: I'll never get my important hamburger data unless you recover them! Seal all the exits!
McKay: Will do!
Fatty: Oh, and send out the robot guards. I get a real kick out of those...
(McKay exits.)
Fatty: It feels so great kidnapping people. I don't know why I became a legitimate businessman
in the first place. Mother always said I had a career in SUPPERVILLIANY! BUAHAHAHAHAHAAAH
(coughs) I need to work on that...
(Jim kicks open a vent and hops down into a long hallway. Snott hops out behind him and they
both pull Preston out of the vent.)
Preston: I really gotta cut down on the prison food.
Jim: Where are we?
Preston: This here's the storage room. The exit is one mile thattaway.
Jim: you're pointing in the direction opposite from where we were going.
Preston: It's not my fault we're going the wrong way, baby.
Jim: You were leading us!
Preston: Oh.
Jim: Criminy! Are you sure Fatty didn't just steal ALL of your brains?
Robot1: The intruders! Get them!
Robot2: You're not the boss of me.
Jim: Killer Robots? Aww...
Preston: At least there's only 2 of 'em.
(A bunch of other Robots surround Jim, Snott and Preston.)
Jim: (Whips out his gun and starts zapping robots) EAT DIRT! Soul-less human toasters! HAAHAHAHAHAAH!
(Jim blasts a few robots into space dust. More come out of the shadows.)
Jim: Uh, a little help?
Snott: (starts spitting boogers at Robots) Hack-ptooy, Hack-Ptooy! (Morphs into a boxing glove
and smacks robots into the walls.)
Preston: Eat feet, metal boys! Hyah! (Uses Kung-fu kicks and chops on the robots.)
Narrator: A few minutes, and a large amount of wasted production time later. Our heroes have
disposed of the robotic guards.
Jim: Groovy moves there, Preston.
Preston: Yeah, I was thinking maybe I was a great warrior back on Earth.
Jim: (Scratches his head) Something like that. Anyway, let's beat it.
(Jim starts to walk, but Preston trips him.)
Jim: Hey, what was that for?
Preston: Shh, Listen...I hear voices...
(Jim puts a hand to his ear.)
Laymen: So, the boss told us to find a muscular worm, a giant booger, and a guy in a sparkly
jumpsuit?
McKay: Yep.
Laymen: What do they look like?
McKay: You'll know them when you see them.
Preston: Quick, we must hide!
Jim: Where!
Preston: (Opens up his shirt.) Quick, Jump into my wife's deep pockets!
(Jim and Snott hop into Preston's shirt. Preston picks up a giant metal hamburger and holds it
over his head.)
McKay: (Looks at Preston) Is that the new sign for the restaraunt?
Laymen: Our boss has one sick sense of humor.
(Laymen and McKay walk off.)
Preston: (whispers) The coast is clear, Hound-dogs.
(Jim and Snott hop out of Preston's shirt.)
Jim: Whoo-Eee, smells like a heartbreak hotel in there.
Preston: Nevermind that, let's make a break with my blue suede shoes.
Fatty: Going somewhere, boys?
(Fatty is standing in front of Jim holding a ketchup bottle.)
Jim: I'll handle this: Hey, Chubby! What are you going to do, jiggle us to death.
Fatty: (Presses a button on the ketchup bottle, and it morphs into a gigantic ketchup rifle.)
The name's Fatty, and I Jiggle becasue I'm laughing at your misery! (Shoots Jim and Preston with
Ketchup.)
Jim: ...can't... move, Ketchup...solidifying...talking...like...caveman.
Preston: Don't be cruel, fatty. Jus' don't be cruel.
Fatty: Oh, I'm not going to be cruel. I'm going to be RUTHLESS! BUAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAH!
Jim: That's the same as being cruel.
Fatty: HAaHAA- Really? Ok, then I'm going to be cruel!
Narrator: After a few short moments. Fatty set up a deathtrap garaunteed to put Earthworm Jim
into terrible peril.
(Jim and Preston are being held by two big mechanical arms being held over a tub of boiling
vegetable oil. Fatty is pushing buttons on a control panel across from the vat.)
Fatty: Pop quiz, tubby: What happens to the people who interfere with big business?
Preston: Um, they get let go before they get dipped in boiling oil?
Fatty: No, but you're close...
Jim: Ooh! ooH! I know! They get dipped in boiling oil!
Fatty: Correct Worm! Once I start these mechanical arms on auto pilot, they will slowly let go of
their fingers in a deadly game of "THis little piggy" and "That Little piggy" and you two will
have met your maker by the time it takes them to go "All the way home.
Jim: You really should work on your villain dialogue, Roswell.
Fatty: Oit, ah! It doesn't matter, you're still going to die. (Presses a button on the
control panel, making the two pinky fingers of the mechanical hands point out.
Narrator: Is this the end of our hero? Will he become french-fried annelid?
Snott: QuatKiiCach Hee Hlap Hat (Translation: Not if I can help it!)
(Snott hops onto the conrol panel and starts randomly pressing buttons. Fatty slaps Snott off
the buttons, but Snott wraps around fatty's legs causing the fast food felon to land flat on his
face.)
Jim: (Starts struggling) I think Snott weakened the mechanism so I could pull myself free!
(Manages to puull himself free.)
Preston: It sounds like you got yourself a plan, Jimbo.
Jim: do I ever! Geronimo! (Leaps off the mechanical fist.) Wait! What was the rest of my plan?
Snott: Qlaq, Qlaq! (spins his head around.)
Jim: Oh yeah, that's right! (Spins his head around like A Helicopter and lands softly on Snott.)
Ok, Snott. Up up and away!
(Snott morphs into a spring and tosses Jim into the air. Jim catches the fist preston is being
held in and pulls off a chunk of the metal arm, causing the fist to fall off the rest of the
arm. Preston falls and lands on Snott hard. causing him to Splatter. Jim runs over and
frees Preston.)
Preston: Groovy, baby. This fist looks like it could use a tuneup. (Preston molds the giant
hand into the "Ok" sign.) Ok, jimmy, help me crry this thang.
(Jim, Preston, and Snott pick up the hand and run it towards Fatty.)
Fatty: You good-doing slab of protein! You'll pay for this! (Gets flicked into orbit by the
mechanical hand.)
Jim: WooHoo! we did it!
Fatty: (Flying throuh space) Earthworm Jim! I'll get even if it's the last thing I do! (lands on
a giant hamburger bun. Galgamort the destroyer picks up the gigantic bun.)
Galgamort: Ah, Rosy, hon. There's a bug on my hamburg.
Rosebud: Ah, just eat it anyway, Galgamort. Me little cupcake.
Fatty: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Narrator: finally. Back on the space shuttle.
Jim: (Dabs his head with a handkerchief.) Thanks for helping me de-pickle Fatty Roswell. Hey,
why don't you think about becoming a superhero?
Preston: I'd love to worm-man. But I'm afraid my destiny lies on a little farm...In the land...
of the fried bananas...
Jim: Suit yourself (Hands Preston the sweaty hankerchief.) See you later. (Gets up on his
pocket-rocket and flies off.)
Preston: (Looks at the sweaty handkerchief.) Hmm? Wait! Jim! I remember Who I am! I'm taking
this shuttle with me back to Graceland and making my big comeback. Hide all the grannies mama,
'cause "The King" has returned. Uh-Huh!
(A cow falls on Preston.)
Preston: Aw, dang...
THE END!