Forward: I am so sick and tired of Dante's character being ripped to shreds, so I decided to write something that's been on my mind for some time. It may expand to other characters from Devil May Cry that suffered under the rampant horrors of evil Marysues but who knows.

Disclaimer: I don't own Devil May Cry and if I did own it, I would bitchslap every writer who has the nerve to bastardize Dante's character in such a gruesome way, especially when the story's not a damn parody.

Keep in mind that flames will be laughed at, while I entertain myself with a cup of cocoa and oatmeal cookies.

Warning: Rated T for some words that may have escaped from our favorite demon hunter's potty mouth, among other things. Believe me, he tried to keep this as clean as possible.

Dante's letter/guide/ranting for writers

He's mad as hell and sure as heck won't take it anymore

Dear writers/psychotic fanbrats destroying my poor characterization

I'm pissed off right now.

I am mad as hell and I'm not taking this anymore.

My name is Dante.

Plain and simple.

My name is NOT Dante Sparda. Contrary to what you heard/thought/had in your sick fantasies, it's simply Dante. Sparda is reserved for my father, and without him I wouldn't be here today, eating pizza and kicking ass. He's the demon knight who rebelled against the forces of darkness…he didn't have to do it, but he had something called a 'conscious'. He met a woman named Eva, and soon enough you have me and my psychotic brother to deal with. Don't even think about writing him out of character anymore because even he's pissed with this whole thing and would love to shove a sword through a fanbrat's head right now.

But anyway, this is mainly about me.

I own a shop called Devil May Cry. I changed it to Devil Never Cry in my first videogame. If you had enough skills to get pass Mundus, you would know that in my awesome ending. True to the name, you can see that I hunt demons for a living. I'm a half demon myself, taking on my father's role in keeping this nice little world a safe place. Now that I established that, allow me to make things crystal clear here.

I am NOT your little plush toy.

I am NOT your masturbation session.

And I am NOT your sex god.

I know I'm damn good-looking and everyone wants me, but seriously I don't have time with hyperactive sues trying to get into my pants. I have a world to look after and I have demons to slaughter. I am a man who hunts, kills, maims, destroys, petrifies, and scares the living hell out of every demon I face. Certain demons fear me and they have every right to fear me because I'm THAT DAMN GOOD.

Please keep that in mind, otherwise I will be forced to beat the hell out of you with this handy sword I have here. And if you did your research well enough, you would know some of my weapons by now.

What is with this whole business of giving me some new partner? The only partner I ever will have is Trish.

Yes, Trish.

This was a woman who threw a motorcycle through the window of my business, slammed a sword through my back, and betrayed me among other things. It's ironic, because I never wanted to see her again but as it turns out, she was created to look like my mom, so that idiot Mundus can get rid of me for good. But of course, I kicked his ass and made him pay for his ridiculous plans.

And once again, if you did your research you would know that.

No, I won't get into something you should have read about yourself.

I don't have time for romance.

I have a business to run, and if you forgot the damn name it would be Devil May Cry. I hated that awful name and decided to change it back.

I'm not that desperate to get laid. If I wanted to get laid, I would head on over to the local bar. Don't get me wrong, I love my babes but for you, of ALL people to pair me with some hyperactive slut who either has MY strength, is probably a demon/vampire/gnome/some freak of nature, AND beats my brother Vergil in hand to hand combat…this is where I have to draw the line here.

That's a big no-no.

I barely survived fighting MY brother when he was plain ol' psycho Vergil, and when he was an even more psychotic Vergil in shiny dark armor with a shiny sword.

Can you explain to me how in the world does this Marysue beat MY older brother?

What?

You say that she's 3/4th demon?

…That's plain bull if you ask me.

And then you have this damn obsession with vampires. Hey, they're demons too you know. They're the lowest of the low in the underworld…hell I eat them for dinner with this handy sword I have here, not to mention some good holy water. I've had bad experiences fighting that damn Nevan and you have the damn nerve to pair me with your vampire sue? What, am I supposed to be impressed with her cleavage or something? Am I supposed to be impressed with her 'seductive' methods? Am I supposed to beg her for some rough action while wagging my tail like a deprived man?

Just who in the HELL do you think I am?

Words cannot express how annoyed I am with how I'm being mauled here. I am sick and tired of being ruined to the point I'm not even a man anymore. I would rather be paired with Vergil here than your sparkly poo character…

-crickets chirp-

On second thought…nevermind. But here, let me give you some tips on NOT ruining my characterization.

#1-I work alone. My partner would probably be Trish but then again I'm not helpless.

#2-DO NOT pair me with some multi-colored chameleon of a Marysue. I have no uses/interests for those creatures. They're eviler than any demon lord I've faced in a lifetime. And what, she's more powerful than I am? You want to see true power? Make me in character and I'll show you what I do with pathetic sues who dare to steal my spotlight.

#3-I DON'T DO NICE. I'm a badass with a reputation to uphold. I single-handedly took down a huge statue that's supposed to be Mundus. I fought my brother from since he was normally psychotic to the point where he just plain snapped.

I'm the one who carries the awesome weapons, and I'm the only one who can pull off the hotness.

Got it?

Good.

#4-And if you ever, EVER think about pairing me with any sparkly poo chicks from the farthest parts of hell, I will personally kick your ass…no pun included.

Hoping that you'll keep me in character, and keep your sick fantasies to yourself;

Dante