The Hero With No Fear
'The Hero With No Fear,' the title of the HoloNet news article declared in bold, black lettering. Anakin Skywalker stifled a laugh and shook his head, as he skimmed through the paragraphs of unnecessary glorification. With the war continuing to rage, media outlets barely needed to forage for story content. Any event or individual could be utilised to instil hope or fear in civilians across the galaxy. This time, it appeared to be his turn. The article painted him as a fearless hero, a good-hearted saviour, the golden boy of the war, and most importantly, a protector civilians could willing put their faith and trust in.
Anakin placed the datapad down beside him on the bed. He wondered what he had done to earn such a title. Perhaps it was the way he often threw himself into danger. He rarely feared for his own personal safety, especially when it came to protecting those he cared for. However, something about this glamorous, media-manufactured identity caused waves of guilt to swell inside of him. 'The Hero With No Fear' was a mask, a wishful lie, and despite the opportunity to hide behind it, Anakin only felt the stinging reminder of the many fears that plagued him.
Anakin tried hard to subdue his fears, to push them away into the back of his mind, but they always lingered there. They never truly disappeared. He felt them rustling in his brain at night when he tried to sleep, leaving him restless. When triggered, his fears took control. They guided his decisions. They flashed like warning signs at every corner. No amount of meditation or training could wipe them from existence.
The most overpowing fear he possessed was the fear of loss, the painful consequence of forming attachments. The thought of losing something, someone, he held dear was beyond unbearable. He had felt the pain before, following the death of his mother. It felt like someone had crushed his heart and ripped it out, leaving a hollow space in his chest. It felt the galaxy caved in on him, leaving him alone in a never-ending sea of darkness. He feared that feeling; he never wanted to feel it again.
He feared living in a world without those he cared about, especially Padmé. She filled that hollow space inside of him. Her presence calmed him, comforted him. Without her, he was not complete. His fear of losing her only subsided when he was home, in bed beside her, and able to protect her. He also feared losing his former master and his padawan. Anxiety plagued him constantly whenever they were in danger during missions. It pounded in his chest and rippled through his limbs like an electric current. It powered him, urged him on, until he knew they were safe.
Stemming from his childhood, Anakin knew he also feared becoming a slave again. With each capture he endured on missions, a spark of anxiety flickered to life in his brain, and he begged, he pleaded, silently to himself that this capture would not somehow lead him back to a life of slavery, a life of dehumanisation, inferiority and... helplessness. He hated feeling helpless. Being helpless meant he could not help those he loved. He had witnessed his mother die, and watched as her life slipped away, tormented by the fact he was helpless to prevent it.
Lastly, Anakin feared failure. He feared failing to be keep those he cared about safe. He feared failing to live up to everyone's high expectations. He feared failing to fulfill the prophecy, the only real reason he had been accepted into the Jedi Order in the first place. He feared letting those he cared about down. These fears caused pressure to weigh down on him, threatening to release a crushing boulder of guilt, should he fail.
Perhaps his willingness to put himself in harm's way for others simply demonstrated his desperation to prevent his fears from becoming a reality.
Let go of your fear, Jedi often said.
Let go of it how, exactly? Anakin thought with frustration. Drop it off the edge of a cliff, or from the top of the highest Coruscant building? Blast it up into space? Throw it in a river of fire and lava and watch it disintegrate? Fear isn't something you can just 'let go of'. That's not how it works.
I sense much fear in you, Yoda's words to him as a child echoed in his mind. Fear led to the dark side. He needed to push his fears aside.
But his fears served a purpose, didn't they? Yes. His fears warned him to keep those he cared about safe. When he ignored them, he suffered. They suffered. When he ignored them, his mother died.
Stop thinking about it, Anakin scolded himself, but it was too late. Fearful thoughts continued flooding his mind, drowning him. They circled like a vortex, pulling him under as he struggled to surface. They crashed like waves, like a never-ending avalanche, pouring down one thought after the other.
Deciding he needed a walk to clear his head, Anakin rose from his bed. As he feet connected with the floor, he felt his legs tremble beneath him. Carefully, he lowered himself into a seated position on the floor, and leaned against the wall. His chest tighted, making it impossible to inhale deeply. His breaths became shaky and shallow. Everything inside his head seemed muddled and unclear, everything except his fears; they sounded loud and clear. They whirred continuously like sirens, their deafening warnings slowly driving him insane.
The Hero With No Fear, he thought to himself, as he attempted to re-establish the calm rhythm of his breathing. They couldn't be more wrong.