Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 7
EPISODE 15
Airdate: December 30, 2018
"Goodbye 2018, Hello 2019"
#TYH713
SCENE 1
The Jennings Household
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
RK and Buster exit the car and walk towards the front door.
BUSTER: I can't believe New Year's Eve is five days away. It feels like just yesterday, we were saying goodbye to 2017 and singing songs. Now we have to do it all over again. We're so old.
RK: We'll be okay, man. I'm just glad that Christmas is finally over. They'd been promoting that shit since Veteran's Day.
BUSTER: That's nothing. I saw a Christmas commercial the day before Halloween.
RK and Buster see a TV near the front door.
RK: What the hell? KG ordered a TV?
BUSTER: It's like a two-day Christmas. Let's open it!
RK: Wait a minute, Buster. Let me explain to you exactly what will happen if we give this TV our attention. We bring it into our home, then we indulge in it, then KG will end up asking about its origins of which we have no knowledge. Finally, we'll have to spend countless hours figuring out where this TV came from. And what was the number one rule I taught you about being on vacation?
BUSTER: Be as lazy as God intended?
RK: That's right, my boy. So, why don't we just leave this outside for now? Let KG deal with the headaches. In the meantime, we're going to give Earl, a valued member of the family, our attention.
BUSTER: I like the sound of that. Let me hit the bathroom first.
Buster runs upstairs to use the bathroom as the Jennings' telephone starts ringing. RK picks it up.
RK: Jennings and Newman residence, talk to me.
PETE: Hi, this is Pete, I'm...the owner of the Westboro Complex here in Seattle. Is Buster there?
RK: No, this is his friend RK. What do you want with my roommate?!
PETE: Relax, Buster gave me this number as one of his contacts. Listen, I wanted to let Buster know that his condo has been fully restored and if he's ready, he can move back in this week. Is he around?
RK: Uh, uh...we didn't order Chinese food.
PETE: What?
RK: Nobody ordered Chinese food, you stupid kid! Stop with the prank calls!
PETE: Excuse me, I'm not here to play any games with...
RK hangs up the phone.
RK: I'm on vacation. Why do I have to deal with all this shit?
SCENE 2
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Bitch Clock is watching TV when Sparky walks into the room.
SPARKY: Hey Bitch Clock. What are you watching?
BITCH CLOCK: This dumbass show called Mom. I'm telling you, this is one of the most offensive things I've ever seen on TV.
SPARKY: What are you talking about?
BITCH CLOCK: It's full of stereotypes. It makes alcoholics look like a bunch of whiny losers who hate who they really are and think that AA meetings can change them.
SPARKY: I still don't get why that's a problem.
BITCH CLOCK: It's a blatant misrepresentation of our culture. See, when Chuck Lorre made Two and a Half Men, a lot of people were too stupid to get it. Was it raw? Yes, but he wanted to do something for our people. I can't believe CBS made him sell out like this.
SPARKY: You know what, Bitch Clock? You're right. Maybe you should write to CBS and let them know how offensive this show is.
BITCH CLOCK: That's a great idea. I could really change their minds about this. In the meantime, I'm going to protest and get some beers out of the man cave.
SPARKY: Yup, fight the power.
Bitch Clock runs upstairs to the attic.
SPARKY: One day, he'll get a job. One day. Wait, what's this?
Sparky picks up a book from the coffee table.
SPARKY: "The Unauthorized Thoughts of Bitch Clock, by Bitch Clock." Yes, yes to the tenth power.
Sparky opens up Bitch Clock's diary and begins flipping through pages.
SPARKY: This might be the craziest book I'll ever read. "April 17, 1992: Earlier tonight at the bar, I spit in a chick's ear for thinking that Full House was a better show than Twin Peaks. Now, I'm getting sued for sexual harassment. I'm starting to think everything she says is just to get a reaction."
Sparky flips through more pages.
SPARKY: "November 23, 2005: It's the thirtieth anniversary of my first drink. My high school science teacher once told me that alcohol would kill all my brain cells and I would die. Three decades and a couple DUI's later, I'm still alive. But guess who isn't? By the way, I pissed on my high school science teacher's grave the other night." Okay, I didn't need to read this.
Sparky continues flipping ahead.
SPARKY: "December 21, 2018: It's almost done. I was able to get all the illegal dynamite I could buy, and now I'm ready for my final mission. I was called by God to leave this Earth, and I'm taking all of Times Square with me?!" Bitch Clock's a terrorist?!
Sparky puts the diary in his pocket and begins walking upstairs but sees Bitch Clock walk downstairs. He stops dead in his tracks and his eyes widen.
BITCH CLOCK: What? You noticed my fresh new cologne?
SPARKY: Yes. That is exactly what I noticed. It's like an explosion of aroma. Bye.
Sparky runs upstairs in fear. Bitch Clock shrugs and continues walking downstairs with his beers.
SCENE 3
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
The next day, RK is hanging out with Wade and Jaylynn.
RK: And then I had to make up a lie that Pete thought we ordered Chinese food.
WADE: Why?
RK: Because I didn't want to have the conversation anymore? Man, this is bullshit. Once the new year comes in, Buster's not gonna live with me anymore. All the weeks we spent bonding will go to waste. I can kiss the RK & Buster era goodbye.
JAYLYNN: The RK & Buster era? Eh, sounds forced to me.
WADE: RK, you can't get too upset about this. I mean, Buster living with you and KG was only supposed to be temporary.
RK: I know, but I'm going to miss him being around all the time. It was like having a second brother in the house. Man, I am over 2018.
WADE: That's your attitude every year.
RK: No, it's not. 2018 was shit. 2019 is where it's at.
JAYLYNN: Yup, the classic RK New Year's rant.
Cut to a flashback of RK, Wade, and Jaylynn watching TV at RK's house on December 31, 2017.
RK: Man, I am over 2017. Who's even going to remember this year? In 2018, we're making moves.
Cut to a flashback of RK and Wade walking outside on December 31, 2016.
RK: Man, 2016 can eat a big bag of unsalted peanuts. All these celebrities dying? Things are gonna be different in 2017, just wait.
Cut to a flashback of RK staring directly at the camera in his living room on December 31, 2015.
RK: F*** 2015! AND IF YOU DON'T THINK THINGS ARE GONNA BE BETTER IN 2016, THEN F*** YOU TOO!
Cut back to the present day.
RK: Well, is it my fault that every year always disappoints me? At least I'm optimistic at the beginning.
JAYLYNN: So what are you gonna do about this Buster thing?
RK: I don't know. I just know that I'm not ready to let him go back to his condo yet. This calls for one last RK Jennings signature moment before 2018 is over.
WADE: Well, hopefully, you get what you want and Buster doesn't get hurt. In the meantime, I'm headed home. I want to start my New Year's traditions early.
JAYLYNN: What New Year's traditions?
WADE: Just the basic stuff I learned from my parents. Putting grapes on top of every doorway in the house, getting rid of the junk from the year that's ending, and making sure there's not a single trace of chicken in the house.
JAYLYNN: What's wrong with chicken?
RK: His parents think it's bad luck.
JAYLYNN: Well, when I was in Portland, all me and my friends would do is see who could stay up the longest after midnight. Hey, maybe I can mix my traditions with yours.
WADE: I don't think so. It wouldn't be much of a contest.
JAYLYNN: Wait, what? Are you saying you can stay up longer than me?
WADE: As much as you're losing the redness in your hair.
JAYLYNN: I wanted to wait a few more days to dye it again! And what makes you think I wouldn't stay up longer than you?
WADE: Well, there was that sleeping contest we had a long time ago and Buster stayed up longer than you.
JAYLYNN: I was a little girl back then. And you know what? I don't like your cockiness, man.
WADE: Oh, really? It's not "awesomesauce" that I'm confident in my abilities?
JAYLYNN: It's nowhere near awesomesauce. I'm throwing down the challenge. You and me, one-on-one on New Year's Eve. We'll see who stays up the longest.
WADE: It's on. Let's just hope your Jaylynn stuff doesn't make you chicken out.
JAYLYNN: My Jaylynn stuff can take a holiday, son.
RK: F***, I wish I could get in on this.
SCENE 4
The MacDougal Household
Interior Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
That same day, Halley walks into Sparky's room while a nervous Sparky holds Bitch Clock's diary.
HALLEY: Hey Sparky. Why did you need me to come here as fast as I can?
SPARKY: Because yesterday, I read something really disturbing. I can't even believe it.
HALLEY: Oh no. Did you read that fake story about the dead kid inspiring Rugrats again?
SPARKY: No, not that. I read something in Bitch Clock's diary that I really shouldn't have read.
HALLEY: Wait, you read Bitch Clock's diary?
SPARKY: I know, it was an invasion of privacy and I had no business reading it.
HALLEY: No, I'm just shocked he even has a diary. Let me check this out. Where is it?
SPARKY: I bookmarked it.
Sparky hands Halley the diary. Halley goes to the bookmarked page and begins reading it.
HALLEY: Oh my God. This is for real?
SPARKY: Yup. It's insane.
HALLEY: You sure he wasn't drunk when he wrote this? He probably doesn't even remember it.
SPARKY: He wrote that less than a week ago. And he has the means to do it.
HALLEY: Dude, there's another page in here where he rambles on about cows, rainbows, and some girl named Sherilyn Fenn. I don't think you have anything to worry about.
SPARKY: Well, I can't say so for sure. When I get the chance, I'm going to leave this diary in the same place I found it. Then I'll check to see if he's written anything new.
BITCH CLOCK: Hey guys?
At that point, Sparky hides Bitch Clock's diary under his pillow.
SPARKY: Hey Bitch Clock. How are you doing, holmes?
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah. Listen, I'm looking for my di...man journal. My personal blue notebook so just let me know if it turns up.
HALLEY: You can't remember where you left it?
BITCH CLOCK: Well, I thought I left it on the coffee table. But I guess I got so loaded last night, I can't remember if I put it somewhere else.
SPARKY: I'm sure you'll find it. As the great Jesse Jackson once said, keep hope alive.
Beat.
BITCH CLOCK: Look, I know it's awkward for you guys to do anything with me here, but you don't have to make it so obvious. Kids these days.
Bitch Clock leaves the room.
HALLEY: That was a close call.
SPARKY: You're telling me. This is one of those times where his drinking actually saved me.
HALLEY: So when are you gonna put back the diary?
SPARKY: Probably tonight. I just have to make sure he's not around. But I guess this is what life is about. One minute, you're telling your alcoholic alarm clock to get a job, and the next minute, you find out he's going to be a domestic terrorist on New Year's Eve.
Beat.
HALLEY: No. That's not what life is about for anyone, sweetie.
SCENE 5
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK walks into the house and removes his jacket when he hears something that makes him stand in place.
KG (V.O.): Buster, why did you leave this dish in the sink?
RK: Oh no.
Cut to KG and Buster in the kitchen.
BUSTER: It was your dish. Why am I responsible for it?
KG: Because what's the point of washing your bowl and nothing else?
BUSTER: I'm earning my keep. I thought we were all about personal responsibility in this house.
KG: We're also about common sense in this house. Now, take care of this dish before I make you take care of it.
BUSTER: But you're already making me take care of it.
Beat.
BUSTER: Oh, I get it.
RK: Hey KG, could I talk to you in the common room?
KG leaves the kitchen and goes to the living room to meet RK while Buster washes the remaining dish in the sink.
KG: Common room?
RK: I'm just trying it out. Anyway, what was with that power trip in the kitchen just now?
KG: That boy needs to learn a thing or two about not being a pig. He went down here, washed his dish, and left the dish that was already in the sink just sitting there.
RK: It's not that big a deal. Everybody does that.
KG: Nobody does that!
RK: Look, I know you get off from intimidating kids, but I need Buster in a good mood. His condo is restored and he's not going to want to live in a house with some teenage ogre knocking about.
KG: Wait. Buster can move back into his condo? The nightmare's over? I'm free?!
RK: No, you're not. As long as I'm breathing, Buster's staying in this house for as long as possible.
KG: Like hell he is. It's time to get on with our lives.
RK: KG, please, you can't say anything to him. If Buster realizes how fun it is to live with us, he won't want to move out after all. Isn't that the American dream, KG? To have two younger brothers?
KG: Nah, I'm good. Buster can...
At that point, Buster walks past the Jennings boys.
KG: Can Buster fix it? Yes, he can, because he's Buster the builder!
Buster gives KG a confused look and walks upstairs.
KG: I just saved your white ass. Look, I trust you to do the right thing so I'm staying out of it. But just do the right thing. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
RK: Believe me, I will. The RK & Buster era needs a happy ending.
KG: The RK & Buster era? Are you and Wade not speaking to each other or something?
RK gives KG an annoyed look.
SCENE 6
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The next day, Bitch Clock is on the phone as Sparky walks downstairs.
BITCH CLOCK: Damn you, Carl, this isn't right! I needed those tickets to New York City by tonight. Now, my whole trip is delayed. Thanks a lot, jackass!
Bitch Clock hangs up.
SPARKY: Who was that?
BITCH CLOCK: Oh, my man Carl. He was supposed to hook me up with plane tickets to JFK.
SPARKY: JFK. Isn't that a New York City airport?
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, so is LaGuardia. Are we talking about famous airports or are we having a conversation here?
SPARKY: I'm just curious as to why you would need to go to New York.
BITCH CLOCK: Dude, New Year's Eve is just around the corner. Being in Times Square with a whole congregation of drunken idiots? That's like a modern-day Woodstock for me.
SPARKY: What's Woodstock?
BITCH CLOCK: Man, the school system just gets worse every year. Anyway, now, I have to think about other ways to get there. This is going to be a historic night.
SPARKY: A historic night, you say?
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, historic. The bomb. I'm going to end 2018 with a bang.
SPARKY: OH, SHIT!
Beat.
SPARKY: When something goes bang on New Year's, that's what you say.
BITCH CLOCK: That's true. Alright, I'm going to see my date. Catch you later.
SPARKY: Later.
Bitch Clock leaves the house and Sparky screams as he runs downstairs and leaps onto the couch to take the diary and read it.
SPARKY: No way. No freaking way.
Sparky takes out his phone and calls Halley. Halley picks up.
HALLEY: Hey Sparky, what's up?
SPARKY: EVERYBODY'S GONNA DIE ON NEW YEAR'S!
HALLEY: Man, you don't have to scream in my ear. Feels like some dynamite went off.
SPARKY: No. No dynamite, no dynamite at all!
HALLEY: Sparky, calm down. What's going on?
SPARKY: Look, Bitch Clock was just on the phone talking to one of his guys about getting plane tickets to New York. And he was using vague language with me. Talking about bombs and bangs and whatnot. He's sick in the head.
HALLEY: That could mean anything.
SPARKY: Oh yeah? Well, Halley, in Bitch Clock's diary, he wrote a new entry. And it reads: "My plan to commit mass destruction on New Year's Eve is in danger of being compromised. Turns out my adolescent roommate and his unappealing girlfriend are slowly catching on to me. I'm not worried that much, but I'm keeping my eye on them for now."
HALLEY: Wait, did he seriously call me unappealing?!
SPARKY: Halley, you and I both know that's never been true. Look, Bitch Clock is just a few days away from a rampage. I thought he was weird, but I didn't think he ever wanted to hurt innocent people.
HALLEY: Yeah, you're right. Don't worry. You're not alone. I'm going to help you stop Bitch Clock from ruining New Year's. We're going to keep our feet on his neck from now until...well, until we no longer have to.
SPARKY: That's what I want to hear. Thanks Halley. That psycho is going down!
HALLEY: Oh, but Sparky, just one more thing.
SPARKY: Yeah?
HALLEY: You start another phone call by shouting at me, and I'm not talking to you for a week.
SPARKY: Ah, please.
Sparky hangs up.
SCENE 7
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Anja is reading when Jaylynn walks in.
ANJA: Hey Jaylynn. Happy New Year.
JAYLYNN: The new year doesn't start for a few more days.
ANJA: Eh, I'll do what I want. So what's up?
JAYLYNN: Listen, Anj, you gotta help me. I challenged Wade to a contest to see who could stay up later on New Year's Eve. There's just one problem.
ANJA: What's that?
JAYLYNN: I can't stay up later than him! I get dazed and confused after 12:33 on New Year's.
ANJA: So why did you challenge him?
JAYLYNN: Because he didn't think I had what it took. He was testing my skills. And where I come from, if someone calls you out, you need to take it to them or else you're pussy.
ANJA: How many times did someone call you out in Portland?
JAYLYNN: Only a few times, but trust me, I know what I'm talking about.
ANJA: Well, I don't know why you came to me. I don't celebrate New Year's as much as everyone else does.
JAYLYNN: Let me guess. Because you're Muslim?
ANJA: Dude, just because I'm Muslim, doesn't mean I live my life in a plastic bubble.
JAYLYNN: Well, it just seems like your answer to everything. "Anja, why didn't you do your homework last night?" "Sorry, Mrs. Abernathy, I'm Muslim. My religion forbids it."
ANJA: You're really lucky you're not someone else. Anyway, I guess I could help you with your game. Have a seat.
Jaylynn takes a seat on Anja's couch.
ANJA: Now, the key to beating Wade is to make sure you don't get tired. And before you have some snarky comment about how you already know that, let me explain. See, most people just feel like if they can keep their energy up all night, they won't get tired. But once all that energy is gone, they crash and burn.
JAYLYNN: So, without energy, how can I stay awake for a long time?
ANJA: Stay preoccupied. Keep sleeping and being tired out of your head. If you're constantly busy with something, you won't worry about what time it is. You'll just be focusing on whatever you're doing until you finish it.
JAYLYNN: So, a hobby?
ANJA: Kinda. The more you have to do, the less tired you'll be.
JAYLYNN: I guess I could see what activities I can do after the ball drops. Thanks Anja.
ANJA: No problem.
JAYLYNN: You know what? Screw it, I still need the edge. You have any Folgers crystals in your cabinet or wherever?
ANJA: Eh, I don't drink coffee.
JAYLYNN: So, the answer to that question is...
ANJA: Man, put it together.
JAYLYNN: Right. You never have Folgers crystals when I need them.
Jaylynn walks out of the house.
ANJA: Yeah, like not having Folgers crystals is the reason our friendship is falling apart!
SCENE 8
The Jennings Household
Interior RK's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
RK takes a box out of his closet labeled "New Year's Gear" and begins looking through it. He finds a golden top hat that reads "Happy New Year" in black lettering.
RK: It's almost time to party.
RK puts on the hat and takes out a noisemaker. He looks around for someone nearby, blows the noisemaker, cackles, and begins dancing around with the noisemaker in his mouth. Buster is shown watching RK, and RK screams when he sees Buster at the door.
RK: Oh, hey Buster.
BUSTER: What are you doing, man?
RK: Well, I'm practicing my New Year's dance. When the clock hits midnight and 2019 comes in, I'm going to do this.
BUSTER: Really? Can I do the dance too?
RK: Sure. I have extra hats and noisemakers.
BUSTER: Ah, noisemakers. You know, Wade told me that in South Africa, they use these at soccer games.
RK: I don't think this is what they use.
BUSTER: Well, whatever it is, it has to be annoying. Oh, man, I have to wear this black hat.
At that point, the telephone starts ringing. RK gasps.
RK (V.O.): RK, it's alright. It will ring, and that's it. It's probably nobody. Unless it's Pete. What if it is Pete? What if he ends up leaving a message on your answering machine? Whatever you do, RK, do NOT let Pete leave that message.
RK: GAH!
RK runs out of the room and heads downstairs to intercept a potential call from Pete.
RK: Hello, Jennings and Newman residence. State your business.
PETE: Yeah, RK, can I please speak to Buster?
RK: Oh my God, you always want me to order the Girl Scout Cookies and I keep telling you the same thing: Four boxes of Samoas and two boxes of Trefoils.
PETE: I'm not selling you cookies, you crazy weirdo, I'm trying to get in touch with a tenant!
RK: You better bring me my damn cookies before I call the cops, you wacko.
RK hangs up the phone.
RK: I really need to block this idiot's number.
SCENE 9
Sparky and Halley leave the curb near Sparky's house and drive away the next day.
HALLEY: So, the plan here is that we're going to follow Bitch Clock around and make sure he's going to do something crazy on New Year's Eve?
SPARKY: Pretty much. I mean, we're not dealing with a criminal mastermind here. It won't be that hard to find out.
Sparky turns on the radio. "What Kind of Girl" by Cimorelli starts playing.
HALLEY: Really?
SPARKY: Hey, this song is a banger.
HALLEY: Yeah, for them. You can't play this stuff in a car.
SPARKY: Okay, well, the next time we're in your car, I don't want to slide around listening to Maroon 5 or Imagine Dragons.
HALLEY: Hey, Maroon 5 goes hard.
SPARKY: I'm sorry, I didn't know we were back in 2012.
Halley gives Sparky an annoyed look, while Sparky responds with a devious smile.
SCENE 10
Oryon's
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Halley exit the car and stand in front of the bar.
HALLEY: Sparky, what are we doing here?
SPARKY: Oryon's is one of Bitch Clock's favorite hangout spots. We're definitely going to spot him here around this time.
HALLEY: If you say so. Hey, when we get back in the car, could you play "What Kind of Girl" again?
SPARKY: Oh, so now it's something you can play in a car.
HALLEY: It got to me, I admit it.
("Time of the Season" by The Zombies plays over the bar's loudspeakers)
Sparky and Halley walk into Oryon's and begin surveying the bar. They walk over to a booth near the window and take a seat.
HALLEY: So, are we ordering something or what?
SPARKY: Well, I wanted to see if we could find Bitch Clock first.
HALLEY: Really? Who knows how long that will...
Halley sees Bitch Clock in a nearby booth talking to a large, heavyset man wearing a leather jacket and a skull cap.
HALLEY: Oh, there he is.
SPARKY: Where? Wait, who's that?
HALLEY: Maybe that's one of the guys he's working with.
SPARKY: Of course.
The man pulls out a briefcase and opens it to reveal several stacks of cash inside. He then nods his head as Bitch Clock rubs his chin.
HALLEY: He's paying him for being a terrorist?
SPARKY: Yeah, I bet to that bastard, Bitch Clock is like a professional hitman. I can't believe this. I thought I knew that guy, but I guess I never did.
HALLEY: Well, we can't let him get away with this. We should go to Times Square and follow him there so we could stop him.
SPARKY: You really want to miss New Year's with the guys?
HALLEY: If I don't miss it, that ball's never dropping in Times Square again. Besides, maybe we can help Bitch Clock and talk him down from doing anything.
SPARKY: Yeah, you're right.
Beat.
SPARKY: We go to New York way too much.
HALLEY: Yeah, if I don't visit there at all next year, it will be way too soon.
The "Let It Roll" instrumental plays briefly in the background as Sparky and Halley watch Bitch Clock shake hands with his partner.
SCENE 11
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
Later that day, the members of TSE and Halley are hanging out.
SPARKY: Halley and I called this meeting to let you guys know that we're not going to be here for New Year's Eve.
Buster, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn all groan in disappointment.
JAYLYNN: RK was right. 2018 can go choke on something.
WADE: This is unacceptable, guys.
BUSTER: Yeah, spending New Year's Eve together is a tradition! What if, one day, I just decided to stop doing McChicken Day?
SPARKY: You wouldn't!
BUSTER: Wouldn't I? No, I wouldn't, because I respect tradition.
RK: Look, guys, I know this is horrible, kick you in the nuts and throw acid in your eyes news, but maybe Sparky and Halley have a good reason for not being here for New Year's.
HALLEY: We have reason to believe that Bitch Clock is secretly a domestic terrorist and he's plotting to attack Times Square on New Year's Eve. So we need to go to New York City and stop him before he hurts anybody.
Beat.
RK: That sounds so ridiculous, it has to be true. Enjoy the city, kids.
RK leaves the booth and walks out of Ike's without saying another word.
JAYLYNN: Well, we're not so easy to convince. If you guys have your own New Year's Eve plans, you can just tell us.
SPARKY: We're not lying about this, we're serious. You think I would go to all this trouble to make up a story about me and my girlfriend traveling cross-country to stop an alarm clock from pulling off a terrorist attack?
JAYLYNN: I dunno. I don't put nothing past nobody.
WADE: Look, it's clear that Sparky and Halley have something going on for New Year's that they have to withhold from us. I say we do the right thing and respect their privacy.
JAYLYNN: Okay. But you guys better have proof of this "terrorist attack" or 2019's not going to start well for you.
BUSTER: Wait, I still don't get it. How can you kick someone in the nuts and then throw acid in their eyes? Wouldn't it be easier to do it the other way?
SCENE 12
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
On New Year's Eve, RK is setting up the coffee table for the New Year's party. KG walks downstairs in a tuxedo.
KG: Yes, it's me, your brother KG. Take notes, baby bro. Study me. Admire me, be in awe. This is the proper way for a man to dress on New Year's Eve.
RK: Well, it looks like you're hitting the town. Where are you going? Yacht party? Black tie gala?
KG: No, actually, Trevor's inviting a bunch of kids from junior high schools all over the city to his house for New Year's.
RK: Wait, you put on a snazzy tux just to hang out with the same people you see all the time?
KG: No, kids from other junior high schools. There might even be some high school kids there.
RK: Dude, I really think you should bring a change of clothes. You might be overdressed.
KG: Everyone's going to admire the tux way too much to care. So, how are you doing with this whole "don't tell Buster that he can move back into his condo" thing?
RK: Well, I have it all planned out. Tonight, during the New Year's party, I'm going to make sure Buster has the time of his life. Then, tomorrow, I'm going to dramatically reveal the state of his condo, which will force him to make a decision. But because of all the goodwill I built up throwing this party, Buster will be so moved, he'll sell the condo, and choose to stay.
KG: You, um...you been smoking something fierce, man?
RK: Dude, this is a great plan. Wade and Jaylynn are busy with their own stuff, I blocked Pete's number so he can't call the house anymore, and Buster already loves being here. This isn't even an RK Jennings signature moment. It's an RK Jennings signature production.
KG: Great. That kid's gonna leave so many bowls in the damn sink.
SCENE 13
New York Marriott Marquis Hotel
Interior Hotel Room
New York City, New York
From the balcony, Sparky is looking down on the large crowd gathering on the streets of Times Square.
SPARKY: Wow, it's like the Super Bowl down there.
HALLEY: Yeah, if the Super Bowl was being played in nine different stadiums at once.
SPARKY: Hey, you think it's weird that Bitch Clock made it to New York after we did?
HALLEY: Yeah, I was gonna mention that. I guess we have more time on our hands than we think.
SPARKY: I still can't believe this. I have to stop him from bombing the crowd at midnight or filling up the ball with deadly explosives. I don't know what that fight's even gonna look like.
HALLEY: I could hold him down for you so you have more of an advantage.
SPARKY: That's a great idea. He might have a gun, he won't be able to reach for it that way.
SCENE 14
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are watching the New Year's special on ABC.
JAYLYNN: I wonder who's performing this year.
WADE: I don't know. I think this might be the first year I don't know any of the performers.
JAYLYNN: Did they announce them?
WADE: They had to have. How else are they going to get the ratings?
RK: I don't think anybody really watches this show for the performances anymore. You know, unless Mariah Carey's up there, what's really to talk about?
WADE: True.
JAYLYNN: You know, with that in mind, Wade, these performances could end up being really bad. And really boring.
WADE: You can say that again.
JAYLYNN: And since it's really boring, that might make you really sleepy, wouldn't it?
WADE: Oh no. You're not about to psych me out, Hernandez. Check this out..
Wade changes the channel to an NBA game.
BUSTER: I don't think the Warriors can help us count down.
WADE: We don't need to spend the night watching some lame New Year's show. When it gets to 11:30, we'll go to ABC. Because nobody's sleeping on my watch. Not even me. I just want to make that clear.
JAYLYNN: We'll see.
WADE: I made it clear!
SCENE 15
New York Marriott Marquis Hotel
Interior Men's Bathroom
New York City, New York
Sparky exits the bathroom stall and begins washing his hands.
SPARKY: There's nothing cleaner than a Manhattan hotel bathroom.
BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): Come on, man, let's just give it up.
SPARKY: Oh, shit!
Sparky runs back inside the stall as the bathroom door opens up, revealing Bitch Clock and a younger-looking man with several tattoos, a Brooklyn Nets cap, and Coke-bottle glasses on. To avoid suspicion, Sparky stands on the toilet and tries to listen in on the conversation.
BITCH CLOCK: I wanted to hit all of Times Square tonight. I don't give a shit if they're ready or not, I've been waiting my whole life for a night like this.
SPARKY: Of course, you have, you evil son of a bitch.
DJ CRAZY GUNS: Bitch Clock, it's okay. Our job's not done yet. Just change plans.
BITCH CLOCK: Fine, I'll aim for a smaller crowd. Where are you spinning again?
DJ CRAZY GUNS: At the Carnation Discotheque.
BITCH CLOCK: What kind of fruity clientele go there?
DJ CRAZY GUNS: Relax, it's just a name. Oh, and make sure you carry your gun with you.
BITCH CLOCK: Of course. If something goes wrong, my nine will handle the rest.
SPARKY: This guy is a sociopath!
BITCH CLOCK: Okay, let's get out of here before people start questioning what we were doing.
DJ CRAZY GUNS: Right.
Bitch Clock leaves with DJ Crazy Guns. Cut to Sparky in the bathroom stall.
SPARKY: I'm not letting Bitch Clock ruin New Year's for everybody at that Carnation place. It's time to take action. Beat. Wow, there is so much space in these uptown stalls.
SCENE 16
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Later on, the kids are still watching the game.
JAYLYNN: You know, we don't have to watch the ABC show. There are other ones. Fox, CNN, Telemundo.
WADE: Man, you might as well just give me the victory now.
JAYLYNN: No, you're giving me the victory. You're going to get bored way faster than I will.
WADE: I have the propensity to withstand uninteresting activities.
BUSTER: Wait, I'm confused. What's going on here?
Buster's phone starts ringing.
BUSTER: Hmm. Nobody ever calls me on New Year's Eve. I bet it's some kid from school who wants to rub it in that he has a girlfriend and I don't.
RK (V.O.): Wait a minute, it's Pete. It's gotta be Pete. Dammit, why I didn't block him on Buster's phone too?! The one fatal flaw in my plan! You know what? It's okay. Maybe it's not Pete. It's probably just some punk kid like Buster said.
BUSTER: Hello? Oh, hey Pete, long time no see.
RK's voiceover begins screaming as his eyes widen.
RK: You know what? I think we're low on the bean dip. There's a real bean dip shortage going on in our country, God help us.
RK takes a bowl of salsa from the coffee table and walks into the kitchen.
WADE: That wasn't even bean dip.
BUSTER: No way, are you serious?! YES! Pete just told me that my condo is finished. I can move back home!
WADE: That's great, Buster.
JAYLYNN: Wait, but didn't we already know that?
Wade elbows Jaylynn in the stomach.
JAYLYNN: Got it, but you're gonna pay for that.
BUSTER: This is amazing news, I feel like I was just touched by angels or something. Wait, you already talked to RK about this?
Wade and Jaylynn give each other worried looks. Cut to RK looking inside the refrigerator for some bean dip.
RK: Where is that bean dip? You know, it's funny because bean dip is a real American treat, but not many people know that. It goes great with everything. Parties, fiestas, Super Bowl mixers. I mean, why sleep on bean dip?
BUSTER (V.O.): Because it was made by a liar?
RK's eyes widen as he closes the refrigerator and then turns around to see an angry Buster.
RK (V.O.): Okay, RK, this is a very difficult situation. You need to be strategic here. Just try playing it off like you're not trying to jump out a window on the inside.
RK: Um, I couldn't find the bean dip.
RK (V.O.): You shifty motherf***er, I should hit you with something.
BUSTER: RK, how come you talked to Pete and didn't tell me?
RK: Pete? Nah, I don't know no Pete. You sure you're not talking about Pete Wentz?
BUSTER: He said he called the house like nine times in the last week!
RK: Okay, Buster. You expect me to keep it real with you, so I'm going to be honest. There's at least a 95% chance that Jaylynn was in on it.
BUSTER: DUDE!
RK: Okay, okay, I did it. I'm guilty, I confess. I never told you about your condo being repaired and I blocked Pete's number so he would stop calling the house.
BUSTER: What? Why would you do that?
RK: To get you to stay here. If I told you about the condo tomorrow, maybe you would change your mind about leaving.
BUSTER: I wasn't even thinking about that until now! But apparently, I'm not a big boy and I can't make any decisions for myself.
RK: I don't think that. You're a big boy, man. You're humongous.
BUSTER: Don't lie to me, I see right through you with my eyes. You know what? Why don't you have a happy new year without me? Maybe Wade and Jaylynn have some thoughts on what I should do with my life.
Buster leaves the kitchen and runs upstairs.
RK: Buster, wait!
At that point, RK gets a phone call. He sees that it's from KG and he picks up.
RK: KG, what's going on?
KG (V.O.): Turns out you were right, bro. I was overdressed. Now, everybody's calling me a fancy boy. I didn't mind it at first, but now, it's crossing the line into bullying.
RK sighs.
SCENE 17
New York Marriott Marquis Hotel
Interior Hotel Room
New York City, New York
Sparky runs back into the hotel room and stares directly into Halley's eyes.
SPARKY: We got him.
HALLEY: I don't know if you staring at me like that is cute or creepy.
SPARKY: Halley, we got him. I overheard Bitch Clock talking to some guy about changing plans and aiming for a smaller crowd. And he's bringing his gun to the place too.
HALLEY: Wait, he's going to shoot up a place?
SPARKY: Yeah, I guess domestic terrorism was too much for him to handle. He's headed to the Carnation something. Carnation Fromagerie, I don't know.
HALLEY: The Carnation Discotheque?
SPARKY: Yeah, that's it! How do you know about it?
HALLEY: My older cousins go there all the time. I don't really want to talk about what they did there, but it's a trendy nightclub here in Manhattan. I bet the guy he was talking to works there and is secretly plotting with him.
SPARKY: Well, he asked the guy where he was spinning tonight.
HALLEY: Bitch Clock is plotting with a DJ to shoot up a nightclub?!
SPARKY: What is wrong with that drunk?!
SCENE 18
Carnation Discotheque
New York City, New York
("One Kiss" by Calvin Harris featuring Dua Lipa plays over the nightclub's loudspeakers)
Sparky and Halley walk into the nightclub and see several adults pumping their fists to "One Kiss" amidst a bunch of strobe lights and DJ scratching.
DJ CRAZY GUNS: WHO'S READY FOR 2019?!
The clubgoers begin screaming "YES!" as Sparky and Halley cover their ears.
HALLEY: Yeah, this really isn't a place for kids.
SPARKY: It's okay. All we need to do is find Bitch Clock and let the authorities deal with him.
HALLEY: There he is. He's talking to the DJ!
Cut to Bitch Clock talking with DJ Crazy Guns.
SPARKY: Let's get him!
Sparky and Halley run to Crazy Guns' stand and creep up behind Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: Whose breath is that on my neck?
HALLEY: I guess it's not appealing, huh?
BITCH CLOCK: You gotta be kidding me.
Bitch Clock turns around and sees Sparky and Halley punching him in the face simultaneously. DJ Crazy Guns begins playing "God Is a Woman" by Ariana Grande and then tries to break up the altercation.
DJ CRAZY GUNS: What's going on here? Break it up, what the hell are you doing?!
BITCH CLOCK: Sparky, Halley, what in God's name are you doing in Times Square?
SPARKY: To get Ryan Seacrest's autograph. What do you think we're doing? We're here to stop you!
BITCH CLOCK: Alright, look, I know you have a lot of questions, but...
HALLEY: Yeah, we do. Domestic terrorism? Mass shootings? Dude, the word for the new year is job.
SPARKY: Yeah. You might have a gun up in your waist, but you can't shoot up the place!
Beat.
BITCH CLOCK: Did you guys steal from the ecstasy stash I'm selling?!
SCENE 19
The Jennings Household
Interior Buster's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Buster is using his phone when RK walks in.
RK: You have time to hear out your roommate?
BUSTER: I don't know. Are we roommates? Are we friends? Are you even RK? Nobody knows.
RK: Look, Buster, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about your condo. I just wasn't ready to see you move out yet.
BUSTER: Well, I had to at some point. We never agreed to always live together like some awkward sitcom that only lasts one season.
RK: See? That's what I'm gonna miss. Me sharing my knowledge of the world with you. Buster, I was selfish, inconsiderate, and I tried to manipulate you just so I could get what I wanted. But the only reason I did all this was so you could stay here. It's not going to be the same once you move back home.
BUSTER: Yeah, I see what you mean. We did make a lot of memories.
RK: And we're still making them. Remember last week when we went shopping for Christmas cards? And...and they had some Jonas Brothers cards?
BUSTER: Oh, shit, that was awful!
RK and Buster begin laughing about the memory.
RK: Yeah, did 2008 drop those shits in there?!
RK and Buster continue laughing.
BUSTER: Jonas Brothers. Those were good times.
RK: You know, Buster, we already lost Sparky to some cartoon crap in New York. We have to ring in the new year with you.
BUSTER: You really mean that?
RK: Yeah. If this is going to be one of our last days as roommates, I want it to mean something.
BUSTER: Then let's give 2018 something it will never forget.
RK: That's my boy.
At that point, Jaylynn walks into the room.
JAYLYNN: Oh, there you guys are. RK, do you have any Folgers crystals?
RK: If you're looking for an advantage against Wade, there's nothing I can do for you.
JAYLYNN: F***!
SCENE 20
Carnation Discotheque
Interior DJ Crazy Guns' Office
New York City, New York
Sparky, Halley, Bitch Clock, and DJ Crazy Guns are all in the house DJ's office.
SPARKY: Wait, let me get this straight. You never had plans to blow up millions of people at midnight or shoot up this club, but you were just selling drugs?
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah. I struck a cross-country deal with some clientele to give ecstasy to these drunks at half-price. I got paid so much money, I thought about giving up my weed business. I didn't, but I still thought about it.
HALLEY: Well, what was with that weird shit you wrote in your diary?
BITCH CLOCK: I knew Sparky read it because he left his bookmark in there. I took it out and decided to mess with him a little bit by making him think I was actually gonna do something crazy tonight.
HALLEY: See, this is what you get for reading someone else's diary.
SPARKY: You read it too!
HALLEY: I know, we're all we got.
SPARKY: Wait, so that thing you wrote the first time in your diary was just drunk nonsense?
BITCH CLOCK: Pretty much. Most of what I write in my journal is just me trying to fill up the pages. I can't even remember what I wrote a month ago.
HALLEY: Well, we almost got trampled by six million New Yorkers for nothing.
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, I'm sorry I read your diary. I guess I let my imagination get away from me.
HALLEY: Me too. We were just so convinced you were serious.
BITCH CLOCK: I forgot, who are you?
HALLEY: I'm Sparky's girlfriend, Halley!
BITCH CLOCK: You hang out with Buster and that Jaylynn girl, right?
SPARKY: Yeah, we'll see you next year, man. Let's get back to the hotel, Halley.
HALLEY: Please, before I punch this guy's teeth out again.
Sparky and Halley leave the office.
DJ CRAZY GUNS: You took some of the E you were supposed to be selling, didn't you?
BITCH CLOCK: Get off my back, bitch, it's a holiday.
SCENE 21
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are all waiting for the ball to drop.
RYAN SEACREST: And the countdown has officially begun for West Coast viewers. 60 seconds on the clock, so now it's time to talk up a storm until the ball drops here in Times Square.
WADE: When it hits midnight, it's on.
JAYLYNN: You better get ready for 2019 to start with your ass kicked.
RK: You know, Buster, I was thinking and honestly, I'm okay with whatever decision you make.
BUSTER: You mean, if I blow the noisemaker first? Because I kinda want to.
RK: No, your living situation. Whether you stay here or go back to your condo, we'll still be friends.
BUSTER: Thanks, man. And I want you to know that I really appreciate everything you and your brother did for me. I didn't really feel like I had a place to live until I moved in with you guys.
RK: You know, that actually makes all the bullshit that happened this year mean something.
JAYLYNN: Alright, here we go!
KIDS: TEN! NINE! EIGHT! SEVEN! SIX! FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The kids hug each other and toss confetti into the air, then RK and Buster perform their New Year's dance while blowing their noisemakers.
SCENE 22
The Westboro Complex
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
A caption shows up on the screen that reads: "January 7, 2019." Buster stands in front of the complex with a smile on his face and bags in his hands.
BUSTER: I'm back.
Buster walks into the complex, but as in "Welcome Home, Mr. Newman," the camera does not follow him and he is only filmed from the back. Buster uses his foot to close the door from behind him, and the screen fades to black.
("The Games We Play" by Pusha T plays over the end credits)
POST- CREDITS GAG
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Early in the morning on New Year's Day, a visibly tired Wade and Jaylynn are both still awake at 3:46 AM.
WADE: I will never let you out of my sight.
JAYLYNN: You better not. Because when auntie Jaylynn does something, she wants the whole world to see her do it.
WADE: You have such a big ego.
JAYLYNN: I know.
WADE: But you're so pretty.
JAYLYNN: Shut up, you're way prettier than me.
WADE: That's splendid, man.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Hey, look, is that a pharmacist?
WADE: What?
Jaylynn tries to headbutt a confused Wade to knock him out and win the contest, but the impact causes her to get knocked out as well, and she collapses on the couch while Wade falls onto the floor. Fade into the morning, when RK walks downstairs, sees both Wade and Jaylynn asleep, sighs, and then looks directly at the camera.
RK: I didn't see anything, you did. Does it matter who won?
Cut to black.
©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
HAPPY NEW YEAR
NEW EPISODES RETURN ON JANUARY 20