Babysitting a kindergartner may not be so bad at first glance, but in Wario's case, it's likely a different story - and not just because he doesn't do babysitting. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this short fic!
DISCLAIMER: WarioWare Inc. and the Mario series belong to Nintendo. Bomberman is a property of Hudson Soft in spite of the company having been absorbed unto Konami as of March 2012. Contra is owned by Konami. All other franchises mentioned throughout this fic, especially those by Disney, are properties of their respective owners.
-Wario's junior headache-
One morning in Diamond City, Wario got a phone call from Mona while he was asleep in his bed at home. He was up all night game-jumping with Wreck-It Ralph, Vanellope von Schweetz, Fix-It Felix Jr., and Sergeant Tamora Jean "T.J." Calhoun at the Game Central Station within Blaze Bomber's Diamond Arcade World until about 6:00 AM, competing in various sports games - outside Sugar Rush, of course - against the other characters visiting from Street Fighter II: The World Warrior and Soul Calibur II after closing time. For tonight, they raced in Raw Thrills' H2Overdrive and Dirty Drivin', and went for an 18-hole round of golf in Golden Tee Fore! Complete as part of Game Central Station's version of the real-life PGA Tour, only they call it the PAGA, or Professional Arcade Golfers Association, Tour. Although Wario knew the fact that its real-life counterpart was played primarily by men with the stroke play scoring system, women and children were allowed to compete here as well. Of course, kids like Vanellope still needed to be accompanied by a trusted adult caddy in case they get wild over a missed shot.
Regardless of whoever won, Wario didn't give a care as he began falling asleep near the end, having stayed up all night. He realized it was time he took his leave when his watch read 6:00 AM, but he made a promise to come back sometime when Felix reminded him that Calhoun was scheduled to enter a melee tournament in Soul Calibur II amongst seven of its best fighters in one-on-one matches, not to mention her fellow soldiers of Hero's Duty would be watching from the audience as well. As for Wario, all he wanted was to get some sleep because, lucky for him, it's Saturday.
"Aw c'mon, Mona! Have a heart, will ya? I've been up all night taking it easy from running things at WarioWare Inc., and I just got home and ready for bed. Call back later, it's only eight in the morning!"
Wario, I only need you to look after my niece for a few hours, assured Mona. Is it okay if I bring her over?
"Um...yeah, but can't you have Kat and Ana's sensei babysit her at Diamond Dojo?"
No, Wario. They're getting ready for their ninja exercises with Yuffie Kisaragi. She's their mentor on behalf of their sensei, remember?
"I know that, but..."
Though his next suggestion was to have Mona's niece hang out with 9-Volt and his mother, and Phoebe at either of their houses, he knew they weren't available since they're staying at Video Game Dream, Phoebe's distant kingdom-like homeworld before she wished to live next door to 9-Volt, for two days with her benevolent father, the king. As much as Wario wanted to ask Mona to just send her niece over to me, Ami, Bill, and Lance at our house, he also knew we're busy with Arctic Bomber and Blaze Bomber on a mission to prevent Purple Basilisk and the Chaotic Bombers from breaking into Sugar Rush through the Game Central Station within Litwak's Arcade in their plot to resurrect Turbo. In other words, with no one else available to take Wario's place, he reluctantly gave in to Mona's plea.
"Ohhh...alright, alright." He groaned momentarily. "I'll take care of your 5-year old niece for you. Just one question: why me if you can't babysit her? I mean, let Princess Peach do the job in the Mushroom Kingdom. She likes people."
Mona giggled over the line. True, but the thing is, my cousin's taking me someplace for a few hours and putting someone I trust in charge of her daughter, Brianna.
Wario was picking his nose. "Let me guess: you're going shopping at Diamond City Mall."
No, silly.
"Bowling at Diamond City Lanes?"
Not today, although my cousin said she'd love to sometime. We're actually going over to the Mushroom Kingdom to meet up with Peach and Daisy for an 18-hole round of golf at Peach's Castle Grounds. They've intended it just for the four of us grown-ups, but trust me, Brianna's not bad once you get to know her.
Wario yawned once more. "Ugh...okay, fine. I'll stay awake and babysit your niece for you..."
Thanks, Wario! We'll be over in about 10 to 20 minutes. Bye! Then Mona hung up.
"I really hope that little girl isn't rambunctious like some of the others I see on TV, like Arthur's kid sister D.W. or Ed's evilly bratty sister Sarah...meh, at least 9-Volt's not so hyper all the time ever since he came here with Kat and Ana. Nowadays he's 9 and they're only 6, but nowhere as rambunctious like D.W. or Sarah..."
He tried calling his fraternity brothers, Billy and Sid, only to be prompted to leave a message on their cell phones. "It's me, your old buddy Wario! Could you come by and help me babysit this kid named Brianna who just so happens to be Mona's niece? I'm really freakin' tired from all the game-jumping I did last night inside that digital realm of the arcade center I told you about..."
He didn't really know a whole lot about Mona's cousin nor her niece throughout his career as President of WarioWare Inc., though she told him one time that Brianna loved to watch kids shows on Nick Jr., PBS Kids, and even Disney Junior. Kat and Ana, on the other hand - as far as Wario recalled - preferred some good cartoon shows like My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Captain Planet and the Planeteers, and most of all, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the latter two of which 9-Volt also loved to watch besides The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!, Sailor Moon, etc. Speaking of 9-Volt, how Mona managed to babysit him just right on behalf of his mother before the birth of WarioWare Inc. was something Wario would never know for sure. Maybe taking care of a kindergartner like Brianna for once won't be so bad after all...
...Or, so Wario believed. His train of thought came to a halt as he heard a doorbell ring 15 minutes later. Opening up, he saw Mona in her traditional WarioWare outfit: a brown helmet with goggles, red tank top and shorts, a white coat on her back, and red boots, just the way she often showed up in for her part-time shifts at WarioWare Inc. Brianna, on the other hand, was a girly girl with pigtails on both sides of her curly blonde hair, and wore a pink frilly dress which gave her the appearance of a young princess - or in Wario's case, what Peach might have looked like back when she was in kindergarten with Mario, Luigi, and Daisy. He figured she and her mom likely watched tons of animated films featuring "Disney Princesses" as they were often coined nowadays.
"Please don't be hyper, please don't be hyper..." he said to himself.
"Auntie Mona, who's that?" asked the kindergartner.
Mona smiled in response. "That's Wario, the man of this house and President of WarioWare Inc. Say hi, Brianna."
The girl waved her hand sheepishly. "Hi."
"Uh, nice to meet you, I guess." Wario yawned again, this time covering his mouth.
"Well, I better be going, but we'll be back before it gets dark, okay?"
"I have a feeling this is gonna be one of those days..."
"C'mon, it'll be fun! All you gotta do is keep her occupied with some DVDs we brought over for you to watch with her. There's Dora the Explorer, Ni Hao, Kai-Lan, Little Einsteins..."
Wario thought for a moment, Aw, you've gotta be kidding me...seriously? Well, there's also Doc McStuffins, which Kat and Ana like to watch because of its concept and the main character, but still...
Mona continued, "...Arthur, and a couple good films from the olden days like Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Sleeping Beauty, and The Little Mermaid..."
Meh. I guess these cartoon movies won't kill me. I mean, they're freakin' Disney classics, right?
Brianna jumped up and down cheerfully whilst saying, "Sofia the First! Sofia the First!"
The girl's redheaded aunt giggled happily. "That's right, sweetie! Sofia the First: Once Upon a Princess, which started it all, as well as the other two DVD sets in the series: The Floating Palace, and Ready to Be a Princess!"
"...Yep, definitely gonna be one of those days," said Wario. "Alright, you win. I'll take good care of her till you come back, Mona."
Despite his lack of knowledge on what the aforementioned show was along with its premise, he reluctantly went along with his duty for Mona's sake because she asked him nicely. As soon as she and her cousin left for the Mushroom Kingdom to meet up with Peach and Daisy, Wario walked back to his couch just before Brianna hopped onto his lap. "Whoa! This kid's got some spunk!"
"Uncle Wario, can you read something to me?" asked the would-be princess. "I want a storybook about princesses and ponies!"
"Hold on a minute, I got a book like that somewhere. I forget which one Kat and Ana brought here a while ago...eh, screw it. I'm tired anyway..." He randomly picked out a storybook either way, and started reading to Mona's niece. "Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful humanoid pony in a castle where she's a princess and...and...zzzzz..."
In the meantime, Brianna opened a nearby drawer and fished out an air horn, which she blew in Wario's face.
"AAAAAAHH! I swear, officer, I didn't steal anything from the Diamond National Bank! Honest!" Looking back and forth, he didn't see anything and breathed a sigh of relief. "Whew...don't DO that!"
"What happened to the pony princess?" Brianna asked curiously.
"Ahh, I dunno," replied Wario. "She's probably addressing her royal subjects or something until a wicked dragon came flying by to kidnap her..."
"Which dragon, Uncle Wario?"
"How do I know which dragon? I haven't even started yet! Maybe if I catch 40 winks, I can dream up a plot and an ending to this fairy tale..."
"NO! I wanna watch Sofia the First!"
That girly show in CGI I don't even know jack about, and yet it's super-popular these days, not to mention filled to the brim with stereotypes?
"Put it on or I'll tell Auntie Mona and my mom you fell asleep and left me all alone!"
As a response to Brianna's snappy remark, Wario tilted his head to the side whilst keeping it straight with his left hand to the cheek for support, his eyes halfway open. "Okay, okay...you and I will watch Sofia the First. Just lemme grab something to drink real quick so I can keep myself awake for ya. But only on one condition: that you don't tell anyone else. Not Aaron, Ami, Bill, Lance, Arctic nor Blaze of the six heroic Contras; not even 9-Volt and his best friend Phoebe; and especially not Wal-excuse me, Uncle Waluigi."
Brianna curtsied like any princess would do. "Princess's honor."
Wario muttered, "Don'tcha mean scout's honor? Ah, nevermind...man, it's like she's Sarah reincarnated...! Seriously, how does Mona do all this stuff right when she was still 9-Volt's babysitter? Everybody knows Wario does NOT do babysitting, but nooo! Mona's cousin insists that I do it..."
And so, Wario went to the kitchen and got out a bottle of Chuckola Cola from the refrigerator for a good enough swig to keep him awake. But when he got back, he saw Brianna coming back from his room with a Bob-omb in her hands, having mistaken it for a ball. "AAAAH! Put it down, Brianna! That's dangerous!"
"No, that's a ball!" denied Brianna.
"It's a Bob-omb, dummy! Don't you know it can explode if the fuse is lit?"
Brianna took a quick sniff and notices something odd, at least in her mind. "It smells bad." She pulled out the top like a cork and dumped out all the gunpowder on the floor. "Ewww! I hate ground pepper!"
"That's gunpowder..." corrected Wario.
The little girl ran off into the bathroom with the now gunpowder-less Bob-omb, while Wario hurriedly cleaned up the mess and dumped it in the trash before coming after her. From there, he saw her cleaning the Bob-omb in the bathroom sink with a wooden brush, covered in soap and water. "Now it smells good!"
Wario smacked his forehead. "Aw, great...a perfectly-good Bob-omb in case of treasure robbery gone to waste. Waluigi is SO not gonna like this..."
Brianna huffed at him. "Bob-ombs shouldn't have to explode! They're too shiny and adorable little balls of sunshine to go boom!"
"Note to self: buy a combination lock for the closet to keep everyone out."
Brianna skipped along back to the sofa, holding the Bob-omb on top of her head. "Last one to turn on Sofia the First is a rotten egg! Wheeee!"
Wario tried to get her to slow down but failed. "Hold up a second! Aargh, this obviously screams TMS: Too Much Sugar!" He got out his cell phone and called Billy and Sid again, only to - unsurprisingly - be prompted to leave a message at the beep. "A little help here?! Agh, this kid I was trying to tell you about, she's freakin' hyper! C'mon, you know I suck at babysitting!"
He hung up again and continued talking to himself. "I keep forgetting they're in Las Vegas for that tournament on Mortal Kombat: Komplete Edition, Injustice: Gods Among Us - Ultimate Edition, Tekken Tag Tournament 2, Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3, Super Street Fighter IV: Arcade Edition, Street Fighter X Tekken, and even The King of Fighters XIII all on the PS3 and 360..."
Brianna's voice was heard from afar. "Oooh, what're these?"
Wario gasped in shock. "My collection of Call of Duty, Halo, and EA Sports games for my 360! Wait, is she also reaching for Mortal Kombat: Komplete Edition and Injustice: Gods Among Us - Ultimate Edition too?! Oh nooo, Mona and her cousin are gonna kill me!"
Running as quickly as he could, he finally caught up with Brianna again and snatched his games from her hands, while putting Sofia the First: Once Upon a Princess on pause, stopping momentarily to catch his breath. "Don't you EVER touch these games in my house!"
"Wh-why not?" asked the kindergartner.
The President of WarioWare Inc. tried his best to explain. "Because...because...they're extremely violent, and have the secret ultimate power to, uh, destroy the beautiful kingdom of Enchancia beyond anything that even...what's his name...Cedric the Sorcerer could possibly begin to imagine! Not even the show's benevolent, kid-friendly Disney magic can prevent this holocaust from brainwashing the entire cast with the evil power of violence and brutality, which could make the boogeyman look harmless as a bunny! Rumor has it that the sorcerer only wants to rule the kingdom rather than destroy it because the aforementioned power can destroy him too!"
Brianna gasped at the thought of violence and brutality corrupting the characters of her favorite show. "Then that means...EVERY PRINCE AND PRINCESS FOR THEMSELVES!"
"Wait, that's not what I-" But before Wario could even finish, Brianna grabbed all of his X-Box 360 games and threw them out the window to his backyard.
"Save Enchancia and the Disney Princess world from all those awful, violent and scary games!"
At least she didn't grab and throw Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy!, and Monopoly Streets out too, thought Wario, but this is getting outta hand!
Brianna hopped up and down as though she had indeed eaten too much sugary products before she came here with Mona. "C'mon, Uncle Wario! Princess Sofia and her friends are counting on us to save the day, just like in the show!"
Wario panicked. "No no, wait! What I really meant to say was...aw man, what have I done to my own library of X-Box 360 games? What am I gonna say to Billy and Sid when they return from Las Vegas?"
The girl ignored his nervousness. "And cast a spell to turn all the scary games into happy, fun-filled and Enchancia-friendly party games! My mom says bowling and go-kart racing are super-fun for kids!"
"But golf, football, soccer, and basketball are super-fun too...agh, I need my 40 winks now, but I think I'll settle for 30."
Even though he told Brianna that make-up story of his, it wasn't completely true. Because of the fact that Sofia the First is on Disney Junior, all forms of violence were strictly prohibited like with the shows on Nick Jr. (i.e. Dora the Explorer). Needless to say, anything that would be harmful to the characters of a preschool or educational cartoon show would either be censored altogether or magically transformed into a completely harmless object: bombs into bouncy balls, tanks of any kind into carriages pulled by horses, and so forth. Approximately two hours later, the Disney movie that started the Sofia the First series was over, even though Wario fell asleep almost 20 minutes in due to having stayed up all night. Fortunately, he was able to wake up for a couple more hours to put in the other two DVDs at Mona's niece's demand, and by the time they were done, Mona and her cousin returned home from the Mushroom Kingdom, now accompanied by Peach and Daisy.
"Hey, we're back!" announced Mona.
"Your daughter looks so cute, Lisa!" said Peach.
"Lisa?" Wario asked confusedly.
The woman giggled in response. "Guess my cousin forgot to tell you my name, huh, Wario? Eh, no biggie."
Daisy, on the other hand, was eyeing some of the DVDs Mona and Lisa brought over, and said to Peach, "I'm not a huge fan of Sofia the First, but I can see why you like it."
Peach nodded. "Mm-hmm. Speaking of which, there's a convention going on in Toad Town, and guess what else? Mario and I volunteered to cosplay there as King Roland II and Queen Miranda!"
"Really?"
"Peach figured that since Sofia the First had become very popular with children lately," explained Lisa, "she thought it'd be helpful if she and Mario promoted it in the Mushroom Kingdom. You can dress up as Belle, and I'll go as Aurora."
Daisy declined her friends' offer. "Nah, count me out. I'm heading over to Luigi's house to take him go-karting with me, but hey, feel free to cosplay as Belle if you like. Whichever one floats your boat."
"I bet you can already guess who I'm going as," said Mona, pointing at her hair as a hint, prompting Wario to smirk.
"Ariel, because your hair is red like hers, right?"
The redhead smiled at Wario. "Yupado! Though mine's more reddish-orange than what you pointed out, but I don't mind."
As she picked up her relatives' DVDs, Lisa added, "Well, we gotta get going now! Thanks for looking after Brianna for me and my cuz!"
In the end, Wario finally got himself some peace and quiet by going straight for his games that Brianna threw out the window to the backyard, picking them all up and putting them into the closet in his bedroom. Then he thought to himself that perhaps it's for the best he shouldn't have any kids right now. They can be quite noisy, but at least not all of them are hyperactive.
...But the following day after, Mona and Lisa brought Brianna over to Wario's house once again. And like yesterday, Brianna woke him up by blowing her air horn near his bedroom. He immediately got out of bed and opened the closet to put on his clothes, only to notice a certain change in the Call of Duty game cases.
"What the? AAAH! Who wrote 'doodie' and glued it on each of my Call of Duty games?!"
Brianna laughed on the floor, kicking her feet excitedly. "You said 'doodie'!"
At the sound of her voice, Wario could only feel flabbergasted. "Ohhh, nooo!"
"Don't be such a sour puss, Wario!" exclaimed Lisa. "Brianna's not so bad. I mean, look at her."
"If you're thinking of subjecting me to another session of that girly Disney cartoon about princesses, you can forget it!"
Mona, however, had something else in mind. "No, not that. We were thinking of inviting you to go to the Super Mini Mario World Theme Park in the Mushroom Kingdom with us."
"You mean like the same park that showed up in the Mario vs. Donkey Kong 2: March of the Minis and henceforth?" wondered Wario.
"Exactly! They're having a special event called 'Bring Your Princess to the Park Day', where parents bring along their daughters who are dressed up like real princesses. Thankfully, the Disney Princess dresses are acceptable."
"By the looks on your faces, I can tell this is why Brianna's dressed up like Princess Sofia or whatever her name is. Come on, that show's too girlish!"
Wario's girlfriend didn't like his attitude nor what he just said in front of her niece. "Hey, be nice to Brianna or no Mortal Kombat, Halo, Call of Duty or the EA Sports games you have on your 360 for a month."
"D'oh!...oh, okay, I'll stop calling Sofia the First a childish girly show just because it's on Disney Junior for ya...heh, I bet even the six Contras find it girlish too."
"Just for the record, buster," interrupted Mona, "they're neutral towards it, as in they only read about it online but chose to stick with what they like to watch instead."
In the meantime, Brianna asked Lisa, "Mommy, does the park have a bowling alley? I wanna be super just like Auntie Mona!"
"Hee hee, I've always wished I were good like her, but I really stink at bowling. Maybe this park has one along with lots of attractions and Mini toys to check out."
Brianna smiled, clapping her hands. "Oooh, goodie! Mini Mario, Mini Peach, Mini Toad, Mini Donkey Kong and Mini Pauline toys!"
Wario, finally admitting defeat, said one last thing to himself before heading out with Mona and her relatives, "I suppose the moral of the story is that whatever the young princess wants, the young princess gets. Oh, this is so humiliating to a professional treasure hunter like me, and like I said, TMS: Too Much Sugar!"
THE END
(Ending Credits)
Wario - CHARLES MARTINET
Mona - LESLIE SWAN
Brianna - SANDY FOX
Lisa - TABITHA ST. GERMAIN
Peach - SAMANTHA KELLY
Daisy - DEANNA MUSTARD
[End Credits]
That's all for now, but hey, at least I had a good time making my short fic! Oh, by the way, I've only read about Sofia the First on Wikipedia but did not bother watching it. Instead, I took it as part of the idea on what Mona's niece (a fan character I made up for the story) would be like.