Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, if I did, Deidara would be the only character....

Matt is copyrighted by me and only me.

Title: The Maid Did It II: Akatsuki Asylum!
Summary: Pein's losing his control. Deidara's cooking sucks. Itachi's sent to a mental hospital. Kakazu's going bankrupt. Zetsu's in love....with a palm tree?! How could this happen?! The Maid did it of course!
Genre: Humor/Parody
Pairing(s): None
Rating: T

Mission One: Déjà vu

It's 11:30 p.m. in my boss's liquor bar in the middle of Los Angeles, California. His small establishment was squished between two buildings and has only ten to twenty or so tables that have forty chairs that come with it. You can count the other ten that surround the counter where the drinks can be served for $10 per bottle. The glass stained windows were dusty and worn out, their colors are blue, green, and yellow, you know, the regular shit. Lights were dimmed down so only the ones at the counter above my head were on. Water dripped from the ceiling of the Grade B bar, I placed a bucket to prevent the wooden floor from getting damaged.

Smoke filled the room from my cigarette that I smoked heavily. My usual black apron is stained with random beverages that I accidentally spill once in a while, along with my jeans. I wore a simple, white shirt saying several Japanese kanjis on it that my friend randomly drew on. Unfortunately, I have no idea what the hell it all means but I kept it anyway since it looked cool.

I gave a sigh as I heard my boss call out from the back door,"It's your turn to close, Matt!"

"Yeah, yeah, Old Man," I replied after the door slammed close.

Heh, guess it's my turn again to close this damn bar.

Carefully, I put the last glass cup on the shelves behind me and locked the cabinets that contained the alcohol. For three years, I've been working my ass off on being the only employee here. The money I earned goes automatically to my apartment, motorcycle, and other payments, so I don't really have that much to spend on anything. My salary was....low.....so low that it makes people working at fast-food restaurants richer than me. Back at Hellsing, though, I earned a lot of money since I worked as a....um....maid-I mean-butler, yeah, butler. Yep, $30 an hour was enough for me. I've been saving my money in the back to buy a small house outside of Los Angeles and possibly get a better job there.

I scanned the bar one last time to ake sure everything was in place for tomarrow....

Yep, everything's cleaned, time to go.

Now, before I go home, let me explain who the hell I am....well....The name is Mathew Wingates. I'm 19, my blood type's A, I'm a Scorpio, and I love Hellsing, Trinity Blood and Negima....but enough of me, back to the bar scene.

Just as I was gathering my stuff from under the counter, I heard the front door open and the bells ring. Huh, funny, I thought I locked it, placed a "Sorry, we're closed" sign, and turned off the neon "Open" sign. I turned up to see a man dressed in a black cloak with red clouds and a high-chin collar. Hm....I swore I've seen those clothes before but where?...

"Hm....I swore I've seen those clothes before but where-?"

"Oi....Matt, don't you remember me?" spoke a low tone voice, the man advanced to the bar and took down a stool to sit on it. "Sake, un..."

"Uh...I dunno who the hell you are but for one, we don't serve sake, and two, can't you read? We're closed....."

His conical straw hat covered his face in the dim light, a hand with dark, purple nail polish drummed against the counter patiently.

"Then get me something strong, quick, yeah...."

I stared at him.

"Got money?"

He reached into his cloak and pulled out several bills.

"You take Ryō?"

"....we take Visa...."

"I don't have that, much less even know what it is..."

"Hmph," I scoffed while taking the so called "Ryō" from the table and inspected it. "...it looks cool so....I guess I can set you up with a drink...."

I turned around to open the cabinet and pull out several cups. Skillfully, I set up three cups and three drinks: Margarita, rum, and beer. I poured each of the three drinks separately with style, since I was able to toss the bottles up, around, and behind me without dropping them. I mixed the three drinks together in a single glass and added an olive, the man stared at me, amazed at what I did.

"Stunned? It's just a thing I do around once in a while....took me three months to learn how to juggle the bottles without breaking them..."

"Sugoi," he murmured as he took the drink.

"It's a Tropical Horizon. It's strong, so don't go driving..."

He drank it.

"Pretty good, yeah..."

I nodded as I started to clean the two extra glasses, I spoke to him,"So...what brings you here?..."

"Nothing much, Matt....you did say to me to go here anytime I needed a drink..."

I paused.

"How do you know me?"

He laughed slightly.

"Oh, you forgot who I am, un?"

"Sorta, yeah, people can't really identify you if you're dressed like that..."

"Hmph...."

Slowly, his rough hand lifted the straw hat off of him. I gaped at him and said,"Whoa....didn't know that girls had such low voices-"

"HEY! I'M A MAN!" he roared at me. He reached for his drink again. "But anyway, back to the issue at hand....it's me....Deidara, yeah..."

"Deidara?" I asked, my mind raced to find out who he was. "Deidara, Deidara, Deidara.....oh! The Akatsuki! You and Tobi helped me get Integra out of prison!"

"Ding, ding, ding!" Deidara smiled sarcastically. "We got a winner for being the most Stupidest Person I've ever met-"

"Shut up..."

There was a change in the mood he was in. He held a serious tone,"Would you mind?"

"Mind what?"

Deidara swayed slightly, he was starting to feel the affect of his drink, as he hiccuped,"....would you (hiccup!) mind joining the Akatatsuki (hiccup!)...."

I raised an eyebrow in interest,"Ho? The Akatsuki....the high criminal organization?"

He slowly nodded,"Man......(hiccup)....that dink is....yeah...."

"Nah....don't feel like it-"

His hand reached out for my collar and pulled me in close to his face, he breathed,"I....we....need someone like you....(hiccup).....to help us, yeah...."

"Why me? You just called me the most 'Stupidest Person' you ever met...."

"But duuuuuuuuude....you're special to me....I love you as a brother.....no, more than a brother....a wife, un!"

"EH?!" I shouted, I wriggled out of his grip. "Fine! I'll join..."

"Gooooooood!" Deidara clapped his hands together, knocking over the drink. "Whoopsie....clumsy meeeeee, uuuuun...."

I groaned,"I just cleaned up, man..."

"Heeeeh....forget about that, come with me....I'll take you to a maaaaaaagical world!" His arms swung out drunkenly and, unfortunately, they hit me in the head....hard, causing me to black out. "Oops...un....better kidnap him while I got the chance, heh, un!" Quickly, he clumsily jumped over the counter (while knocking over several chairs during the process) and lifted me onto his shoulder. He staggered all the way to the door and bumped my head into the glass window, causing it to break. "Oopsies again, un...." Deidara made his way to the street. "Birdie! Birdie!"

.:Akatsuki Base-Next Morning:.

Hidan, Zetsu, and Pein sat at the brakfast nook with their morning coffee in front of them, Itachi had made his way to the kitchen and started to prepare his along with toast. The front sliding door opened and in came Deidara with me sleeping on his shoulder. He made his way to the living room and tossed me onto the sofa where Kisame was watching the news.

"Oi, Deidara, is this why you've been gone all night?" Kisame pointed at me since I was sleeping in his lap.

Deidara started to clear his throat as Pein and Itachi advanced on him, Hidan watched from a distance while Kakazu entered the scene.

"Everyone....it took a while, but I found the right person...."

"The right person to give away our hideout, are you an idiot, Deidara?" Pein raised his voice.

The artist laughed and shook his head nervously,"No, no, Leader-sama....this is Matthew Wingates....I've met him earlier while I was on a mission, he gave me important information on where the Three Tailed Beast was..."

"...go on..."

"Well...I thought we could use help around here with our chores...that way, when we're on missions, we don't have to worry about the household things..."

"So," Kakazu started,"how much does he charge?"

I groaned slightly,"Deidara, what did you-" When I woke up, I looked up to see Kisame. I screamed like a girl and jumped up. "SH-SH-SHARK!"

"How about asking him yourself?" Deidara said.

"Huh? What? Money?"

"Hey kid, how much money do you charge when you work?" questioned Kakazu, I backed away from him.

"Uh...$10 an hour..."

"That's barely nothing....you're hired!"

"For what?"

Before Deidara could explain, Pein spoke,"Hm...we could use a servant around here....it'll save us a lot of time...."

"H-hey!" I stuttered while getting up. "I can't work as a butler again! Now...I've worked with a secret organization, yes, I got experience but you can NOT make me work as a servant all over again!"

This is starting to feel like déjà vu, instead of Hellsing, I'm at the Akatsuki Base...and instead of standing up to Integra, I'm going against Pein....who is dealier than Integra, man I miss that Hell-bitch already.

"I come from California, I'm an American citizen, that gives me rights to be where ever, do what ever, and when ever I want...the terrorist-for-hire kidnapped me and brought me here...against my rights...""

"Okey, but we still can't let you go since you know all about our secret hideout....I'll have you work under us, and you can't leave the base without an escort or unless I allow you to, understood?"

I pondered over that while looking at Deidara, who nodded silently.

"Uh...as long as you don't kill me, then fine....I'll work," I agreed grudgingly, I clapped my hands together and rubbed them reluctantly. "When do I start?"

"How about now?"

"Oh, goody....what am I?"

"You'll work as our Head of Household Maid..."

"YES! I GOT SOMETHING BETTER THAN A-wait-WHAT?!" I shouted, causing the entire base and Zetsu's garden outside to tremble. "I'M A MAID.....AGAIN?! BUT THAT'S FOR GIRLS!!!"

Hidan covered his ears as I yelled, he rolled his eyes while murmuring,"I can't wait to fucking kill this bastard...."

Note, if you read "The Maid Did It!", you would have a good idea who Matt is. It picks off after Matt is given a two months of rest after his advenures with the Hellsing Organization....from Hellsing. The ending part of this chapter is similar to the first chapter of "The Maid Did It!"....so....

...let the chaos begin....

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