I Can Love You
By S. Mark Gunther
I was just thinking that I have been missing you for way too long
There's something inside this weary head that wants us to love just instead
But I was just thinking, merely thinking...
I've got loads of pictures
I've got the one of you in that dancing dress
But man I feel silly in that dim light
Just after doing you by the sight of my kodak delights
I am sinking, merely sinking...
I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe
I'm a singer without a song
If I wait for you longer my affection is stronger
I, I was just thinking and thinking, merely thinking
That this boat is sinking...
--from 'Teitur - I Was Just Thinking'
Late in the evening, the Brotherhood house sat silently in the middle of the street in the middle of the town the Brotherhood inhabited. Wanda woke up out of her sleep and walked downstairs for a drink of water. She had had a rough day with Todd and Pietro and had taken her frustration out on Todd by hex bolting him more then a few times into a wall. Almost as soon as she did it, she felt bad but she couldn't stop. She couldn't stop the feelings of anger coursing through her veins. She willed herself to stop, finally, and drug herself to her room without pausing to even look at Todd's unconscious form.
She walked into the kitchen and poured a glass of water from the faucet. As her hands brought the glass to her lips she remembered that the arguement had started because Todd, in running from an insanely irate John and Pietro, had tripped over her and stained her newly cleaned red leather trench coat. The thought of Todd's body being blasted and shot into as she did just because of her anger caused a deep tremor in the pit of her stomach to course throughout her entire body. It caused her to drop the glass into the sink. It didn't break, though Wanda's feelings and emotions had begun to swirl so much that it didn't really matter if it had or not.
Wanda could feel her body and heart revolting against her mind as she gazed out of the Kitchen window into the darkness. She could see all the little demons inside of her mind playing and leaping and gamboling around her soul; the demons had, apparently, taken residence in the one part of her body she felt was untouchable. Then, as soon as the images reached their zenith, they were replaced with images of Todd kissing her at Arrowrose, Todd holding her in the ski lodge, Todd always taking to her side for things that would damage or irritate his "cuddlebumps". She felt her face smile sadly as she heard an echo of Todd's voice calling out to her in her mind. Her eye teared for a moment before she stubbornly shook it away and turned to leave.
'I can't like him. I just can't. He's Toad...he's not even a human being,' she thought. Then as she reached the door she remembered all the times that he had been more humane to her then she was humane to him. She remembered all the times when she was having a bad day and he'd tell the entire house to shut up for her. Wanda could see him sitting out in front of her door during the brief flu season they had just endured, a care package at his feet and a blanket at his side in case she needed it. She could see him at her feet, looking so peaceful, sleeping in wait for her to emerge. She hadn't wanted to wake him...but did just to yell at him for being in the way. Wanda felt her shame grow once again as she realized that he really did love her, in his own unique way. She felt ashamed that she, at least, couldn't treat him with more respect.
'Toad, why do you have to even be in my mind like this now? Why?' Wanda walked slowly into the hallway, passing by the TV room. She wouldn't have even stopped were it not for the flickering light from the television set silohuetting Todd's slight frame on the couch. She looked at him and he seemed to be staring off into the fuzzy snow with a lost look on his face. His amber eyes shone in the darkness yet they seemed almost muted and flat when compared to their normal, lustrous shine. She just looked at him for a moment.
"Toad?" Wanda said with a flat voice. Todd didn't move, so Wanda came closer and called again. "Toad!"
"Yes?"
"What are you doing here?"
"I was thinking. I was drinking. I was thinking and drinking, cuddles," Todd said in a flat voice, matching Wanda's tone. He turned his head and smiled at her but nothing joyous was in the smile. Wanda saw this and looked at him for a long moment before speaking again, her voice slow and measured.
"You've been drinking?"
"Yup. Had a couple of shots to help me think, yo. It worked. I don't feel nothin' now and I'm completely pain free," Todd shakily replied. He grimaced suddenly as a momentary lapse of pain ripped through his back. once the moment passed, he grabbed a bottle that sat by his arm rest and took a long swig. Wanda was so involved in seeing that she didn't even have the inclination to hex him, to stop him, to save him...from himself.
"You shouldn't do that. We're mutants. We can't take alcohol like that, Todd," Wanda said, Todd's name escaping her lips before she could even realize it.
"Well, I shouldn't be chasing after you because it's hazardous to my health, cuddles, but I just want you. I love you, yo, even though one day it just might kill me. So I figure a couple of drinks won't hurt to help me think," Todd said with a sad smile. Hs leaned his head back and laughed for a moment before the laughter mutated into a mix of crying and groaning. Wanda watched him drop the bottle to the floor, the sticky liquid pouring out onto the floor. She walked over and pulled him into her arms. She marveled as to how light he truly was...but how much he could lift.
"Come on, you."
"Where...where we goin'?"
"I'm taking you to your bed and we're getting some sleep."
"Really? We're going to bed? How wonderful, yo," Todd said before slumping over as another groan inducing wave of pain flashed through him. Wanda sighed and carried him up the stairs, his thin body growing only slightly heavier as she climbed upwards to his room. She entered his room and immediately smelled Todd's unique smell. It wasn't a stench but merely a smell of green grass and growing things and water. She vaugely remembered that he was, in fact, amphibian and that it would be perfectly natural to be close to his fellow frogs and toads in smell. Wanda laid Todd down and sat next to him.
"Where are we?" Todd asked shakily.
"You're in your room. I'm about to leave. Todd, if you ever drink again, over me or anything else, I will personally kill you. We don't need you drinking yourself to death, you little wart," Wanda said, an odd tonal darkness in her voice. She felt her heart finally beginning to heal more and faster as she saw Todd's lithe frame on the bed all bunched up and twisted. He looked at her disjointedly and nodded.
"I won't, sweetie. I won't."
"Good. Now goodnight."
"Wait! Please...don't go..."
"What is it?" Wanda asked tersely, her inner struggle continuing without rest.
"I...I'm sorry for pissing you off, so much, Wanda. I just...sometimes I just feel so much love for you that I want to express it all that I can," Todd croaked, his voice oddly clear yet oh so distant. "I know I bug you and I know you don't really see me as someone you'd ever be able to love...but I love you. I want you to know that, yo. You're my cuddlebumps. You're the reason I wake up sometimes, now that we're alone here in the house. You're my reason to keep going; my hope for tomorrow."
"Todd, stop..."
"No. You need to hear this," Todd replied, his amber eyes sliding into fire red for a moment, the alcohol in his body overriding his good common sense. "I...I'm going to try and clean up more for you, Wanda. I know I get kind of strong but I've finally found a soap that won't make me as sick as I can get when I wash...and I'm trying to get money for clothes so I don't look like a total bum. I'm just asking for time, yo."
"Time for what?" Wanda asked, her throat oddly tight.
"Time for me to get better for you. You're who I want, yo. I love you." Todd clung close to Wanda for a moment, his arms wrapping around her waist. Wanda sat silent for a moment, feeling him close to her for the first time in a long time. She could feel the side of her nightgown become stained with his tears, the skin on his cheek rubbing against her side. She could feel his hairs tickling her arms. Wanda liked this Todd, the real Todd against her...and she couldn't deal with it.
"Todd, I'm going to bed. We'll talk in the morning." She tried to lift herself off the bed but found that Todd's lithe arms had clamped down on her, his whimpers coming out more and more.
"Why do you hate me, Wanda?"
"What?"
"Why do you hate me so much, Wanda? Why do you feel like you could never think that I could help make you happy?"
"It...it's not that." Wanda finally said. "I don't hate you. I might not like what you do at times but I don't hate you."
"Then what?"
"I don't know...being gone so long...and in the asylum...I don't know love anymore. From anyone, even you."
"I see." At that, Todd's arms slid from around her sides and he rolled over to his other side, his back shivering a little. "Would you mind covering me up before you leave, Wanda?"
"Sure." Wanda spread a blanket that was on the floor over him and he laid there for a moment. "Are you sure you're going to be alright?"
"Yeah, yo. I'll be alright. I got a bucket here if I need to puke so I'll make it through the night." Todd didn't turn and for a long moment Wanda just stared at the little lump of frogboy in the thin blanket. A deep sigh slid from her lips as she turned to leave.
"Wanda?" She turned and looked at Todd, who still had her back turned to him. "If you ever want to learn what love could be...you know where I am. I do love you, cuddlebumps. I love you, Wanda and I always will."
Wanda turned and left the room, her face flushing for a moment as she slid into her room. She leaned against the door to still her heart from beating and racing, to stop the ebb and flow of the room as it weaved in her mind. She slid down till she sat on the floor, her back against the door and her face scrunching up tight like a clam. Tears began to roll down her face, slowly but determined. She choked back a sob...then another, till she was softly crying, her feet lying spread out against the floor.
Wanda could see in her tears the boy who loved her...and the distance between them. She hated the very sight of herself unable to love someone who selflessly loved her without worry or fear. She hated herself more then ever.
A/N: OK, this might seem like your normal Tonda...and it might be. I'm just wanting to write something different. I might add some Tabitha/Lance in here if people think it could work. This was written one night when I just wanted to finish a thought. I also wanted Wanda to be as IC as she could be without making her rigid. I might sequel this...but not now. Other fics have priority. But please review if you want more. No matter when.