A/N: In order to understand the joke, it's important to know that "Nikuman" is a meat (typically pork) filled bun, convenience store type food in Japan. A pork bun if you will. Couple that with a pug dog...and now you get my sense of humor. I love you Chouji!
Disclaimer: I had to search far and wide for a real image of Masashi Kishimoto, because he's not me. For starters, I'm a girl...
o-o-o-o-o
"Nikuman!" Chouji called rattling the food bowl. "Damnit Nikuman, where are you?"
Akimichi Chouji was normally known for his good heart and friendly demeanor. But not today, his mother's black pug, Nikuman had gone missing while he was supposed to be dog-sitting. Truth be told, there was only one animal in the world that he couldn't stand...and that would of course, be Nikuman. There was something about her, maybe it was the bulging eyes that reminded him of Ino in fangirl mode, or the grunting, so reminiscent of a hard training session. However, the dog, for her own perverse reasons, absolutely adored him. Everytime Chouji stopped by his parent's house the little dog stuck to him like glue; grunting, wheezing, and shaking her little pig tail any time he looked at her. That's why this current situation was so weird, the combination of Chouji and a full food dish should send the dog into ecstasy. But she was nowhere to be found.
"Nikuman!" He called louder.
He'd only gone out for a few hours. Shikamaru had stopped by to see if he wanted to go to breakfast, his treat. There was no way Chouji could say no. It was only a few hours!
"Nikuman!" He called again slightly desperate. Where had that damn dog gone? He walked to the backdoor still rattling the food dish.
"Nikuman?" He called opening the door. Scanning the yard he wished he could do byakugan like the Hyuugas. Chouji sighed, if he lost that dog no amount of training or jutsu would save him from the wrath of his mother, Akimichi Tenshiko.
"Nikuman!" He bellowed standing in the middle of the yard.
To his great relief, he heard a whimper coming from over by the blackberry bushes. When she saw him, Nikuman began making excited grunts.
"How did you get in there," Chouji asked as he worked to free the frightened dog from the thorns. After a few minutes of accomplishing nothing but adding an impressive amount of curses to his vocabulary, Chouji gave up. He wiped sweat off his forehead and sat on his heels wondering what he should do next. The old lady next door had roses and she pruned them all the time, perhaps she had something he could borrow.
"Hold still girl, I'll be right back."
After begging, pleading and finally resorting to promising to give the neighbor lady his mother's recipe for oden, Chouji raced back to where the pug was still whimpering.
"I'm back," he smiled reassuringly. "It's okay, I'll have you out of there in a minute."
Once he'd managed to clip a few branches, Chouji was able to reach into the blackberry bush and pull out a squirming pug. Holding the dog under one arm and picking up the food dish with his free hand, it wasn't until he'd set Nikuman down on the kitchen floor that he noticed the blood.
"Oh Nikuman, some of those cuts look pretty bad."
He wet a cloth and tried to wipe at what looked like one of the worst areas. Nikuman growled.
"Easy girl," he said. "I just need to see how deep this is."
He tried again with the same result.
"Okay, this isn't working."
Chouji walked down the hall and grabbed a large towel. He carefully wrapped the small dog in the towel and walked out the front door.
o-o-o
Inuzuka Hana peered into the ears of Akamaru, her brother's giant white dog.
"Well done," she smiled patting the dog's back. "He's really starting to take grooming seriously ne?"
Akamaru wagged his tail knocking over several instruments on the table. Hana sighed but continued the examination. Her brother, Kiba, was asleep in the waiting room. He and Akamaru had just returned from a mission in Numa no Kuni, they'd given their report to the Hokage, and stopped for a check up before going to visit Kiba's girlfriend, Haruno Sakura.
The sound of the bell over the door woke Kiba who had a thin line of drool hanging from his chin.
"Oi, Chouji," he called smothering a yawn. "What are you doing here?"
Chouji held up the bundle in his arms.
"Nikuman got stuck in our blackberry bush."
"What does that have to do with me?"
"Not you, your sister."
"Why would my sister care if you got nikuman stuck in a blackberry bush?"
"She's a vet."
"So? I still don't see..."
The bundle in Chouji's arms whimpered.
"Nikuman?" Kiba asked finally understanding why his sister would care about a Pork Bun being stuck in a blackberry bush.
Silently cursing his father's sense of humor in naming the dog, Chouji unwrapped the towel and showed Kiba.
"My mom's pug.
Kiba grinned, how like an Akimichi to name their dog after food. He'd been smelling bloody dog, and had just begun to worry about Akamaru. Breathing a little easier, he leaned down reaching his hand into the towel.
"Don't you worry little one," he said scratching the pug behind her ears. "My sister's the best, she'll have you fixed up in no time."
Kiba stood up and was stretching his arms over his head when an exam room door opened.
"Onee-chan, is Akamaru done yet? Sakura's expecting us."
Hana's eyes widened, "Oh, well heaven forbid if Sakura-chan has to wait. No, no, don't worry. I live to serve the whims of otouto-chan," she finished with an elaborate bow.
Kiba rolled his eyes.
"Done?"
Hana laughed.
"Hai, and so's Akamaru. Everything looks good, just keep that scratch on his nose clean. And tell Sakura-chan that Mom's going to be home in three days, so I'm making a special dinner. I expect both of you to be there at six."
Chouji still couldn't believe that Kiba of all people had managed to make Sakura forget about her love for the Uchiha. Maybe someday he'd ask for advice on how it's done.
"So what's this?" Hana's question broke through Chouji's thoughts.
"Oh, this is Nikuman."
"Nikuman? How sweet, I haven't had a chance to have lunch yet. Kiba, your friend is so nice."
Kiba laughed. "Lunch is going to have to wait a little longer. This particular Nikuman is still breathing, see?"
Hana began laughing as Kiba and Akamaru left, the little bell above the door jingling. Opening the towel better, Hana was able to see the little dog who grunted when she touched it.
"C'mon and bring her to the back so I can have a better look."
o-o-o
Following Hana down the short hallway, Chouji noticed the way her ponytail swayed from side to side. Once more he was reminded of Ino, though her ponytail never swayed. It bounced.
"Go ahead and set Nikuman on the table while I wash my hands," Hana said closing the door.
Chouji was struck by just how many people in Konoha had pets. The walls of the exam room were covered with photographs of different residents with their dogs, cats, and even a scarlet macaw perched on the arm of a little girl whose hair was equally vivid.
"Are these all your patients?"
Hana looked up from cleaning Nikuman's wounds.
"That's about half of them," she replied before looking back down and wincing. "You poor thing, it looks like you had quite the adventure. You must've been really scared."
"I was," Chouji replied turning to look at the vet. "I spent twenty minutes looking for her, I was so scared my mom would come home and find her gone..." Chouji drew in a long shuddering breath before closing his eyes. "If I hadn't found that dog I'd be a dead man."
Hana nodded but decided not to tell him that she had been talking to the dog.
"You did the right thing by bringing Nikuman in, Chouji-san. A couple of these cuts are really deep."
Chouji's face paled, "will she be okay?"
Visions of his mother's angry face swam before his eyes, and he knew in his heart that no enemy he would face in his life would ever be more fierce.
"She'll need stitches, and I'll give you a cone to put around her neck so she doesn't chew on them." When she saw the green tinge to Chouji's face she smiled softly and patted his shoulder. "It'll be okay, really. I've done this a million times. Trust me."
Something in Hana's eyes made Chouji feel instantly at ease.
"Okay," he sighed. "Okay, I trust you."
Hana smiled again and this time Chouji noticed that she had a dimple on the right side of her mouth. Remembering that she was Kiba's sister, he blushed slightly before turning to face the wall of pictures again.
"You see that lovebird with the orange head? The picture next to Akamaru? Her name was 'Hime', and she was a terror. I had to wear extra thick gloves whenever she came in to have her wings trimmed. A complete menace. Not like sweet little Nikuman here."
The pug let out a long grunt. She was happy. Sleepy, but happy. Chouji rolled his eyes.
"Don't you like dogs Chouji-san?"
"Maybe on a bun with ketchup," he shrugged.
Hana chuckled, "you're witty. Kiba never tells me these things about his friends."
"Well, some people bring it out more than others, I guess," he replied still staring at the wall.
"I'm glad I'm one of those people." She smiled finishing up the stitches, "now all we need is a cone."
Chouji brightened, "waffle or cake?"
"Plastic actually," Hana smirked. "But if you're nice, I'll let you buy me a waffle cone at the sweet shop. Remember, I haven't had lunch yet."
o-o-o
True to her word, once she put the cone around Nikuman's neck, Hana and Chouji walked over to the Amaguriama Sweet Shop. As they were sitting outside enjoying the afternoon sunlight, they were seen by Chouji's teammate, Yamanaka Ino. Ino was on her way through town delivering flowers for her parent's shop. When the blonde saw her teammate laughing with the older girl, she stopped in her tracks. She felt an odd twinge in her stomach, this was so wrong! Inuzuka Hana was way too old for Chouji, and the next time she saw him she'd tell him so. Especially when there were so many more suitable girls his own age. In fact, she should tell him right now.
Making her way toward the pair she was stopped again when she heard Hana's voice exclaim, "Chouji-san, I'm really surprised you don't have a girlfriend. Whoever gets you should consider herself lucky."
"Yeah," Chouji replied. "Well, we'll see if it ever happens."
Something about what Chouji said made Ino suddenly feel intensely sad. She turned on her heel and continued on with her deliveries, leaving Chouji to enjoy himself without her interference.
o-o-oOWARIo-o-o