Just a Smile

I watch you from across the room, laughing with your friends, your eyes sparkling. I want to hate you just because others like you so much, yet it's impossible. I can't stop watching you; I'm strangely fascinated. You seem to love your life, even though you're a sloppy-looking Mudblood with no money. I hate mine. I can't understand it. Why is someone with nothing so much happier than someone with everything?

There's a longing in my heart, to talk to you, to know you. I feel envious of the people around you. They get to share your laugh, your smiles.

I know who you are. A former Hufflepuff Head Boy, several years ahead of me. I've never spoken to you and I'm certain that you don't know who I am. You are a Muggleborn and I am a Black. The two just don't mix. So, I can only watch you, only wonder how my life would be different if I was born a Muggle. Or a halfblood. Or even a Weasley.

I first noticed you in my fourth year at Hogwarts. You were always laughing. You don't know this, but every time I've seen you since then, I've felt drawn to you, unable to take my eyes off of you.

"Andromeda, are you okay? You're so quiet tonight," says the young man across from me. What he doesn't realize is that I'm sick of all the bullshit. I hate pretending to be interested in what he has to say, to make polite conversation, to be a perfect little Slytherin pureblood girl. I want to be more like you, Ted Tonks.

"I'm sorry," I tell him. "I thought I saw someone I knew."

He continues talking about some mundane topic. The weather, or Quidditch, or something like that. He is a pureblood, someone that my parents like very much. I'm twenty-two years old now which is--in my parents' opinion--too old to be single. I will marry this man later this year. I don't particularly like him… but at least I don't hate him. That's the best thing someone in my situation can ask for. You probably can't understand; you get to marry whoever you choose.

A raucous group of ex-Slytherins joins our table. One of them puts his arm around me and starts talking to me with his face close to mine. His breath reeks of firewhiskey and I feel sick. My companion does nothing.

"I'm going to get some fresh air," I yell to him over the noise. He just nods, then forgets about me. I pull away from the disgusting person hanging onto me and walk out of the pub.

Going outside is like leaving a cage. A cage that I know I'll have to return to. But at least I can breathe for a few minutes. I sit underneath a streetlamp. There is nobody on the road and the sounds of the bar are faint. I can hear the crickets chirping. I wish I could stay out here forever.

"Hi," a voice says behind me. Actually, it's your voice. I am surprised. "You're Andromeda Black, right?"

I don't know how you know my name, but it makes my heart feel a little warmer, a little less empty. "Yes," I say. "How do you know my name?"

You laugh a little. "Everyone knows who you are."

I have no idea why. It's not like I have a bad reputation. Unlike both of my sisters, I spent my entire time at Hogwarts trying to blend in, and I was fairly successful.

"I'm Ted Tonks."

"I know," I say quickly. Too quickly. I sound nothing like the confident and poised witch my parents raised me to be. The girl my parents raised would make a haughty remark like Tonks, is that a Muggle name? even though she knows perfectly well that it is. But I no longer give a damn about the girl my parents raised. I'm tired of that girl.

"What are you doing out here?" you ask.

"Just… enjoying the night."

"It's nice, isn't it?" Then you sit down next to me.

A few minutes pass by. We don't speak, but I feel comfortable just sitting near you. I hope you never leave.

Eventually, you stand up. "I should be going. It was nice talking to you," you say.

My heart feels empty again as you turn to walk away.

"Wait," I say, standing up. My heart begins pounding because, for some reason, I'm being impulsive. Black daughters are never impulsive.

You turn back to look at me.

"What is it?" you ask in a tender voice.

You sound so kind that I can't think of anything intelligent to say. I just stand there like an idiot for a few moments. You don't move. Finally I say something peculiar, at least for me. "Are you free tomorrow night?"

You look, appropriately, surprised. "Er, y-yes. I have no plans."

I can feel myself getting bolder. Never in my life have I even considered asking a boy out, but still I say, "Would you like to go out to dinner with me?"

"Well…I…um... yes! I'd love to have dinner with you."

Is it just me or do you sound nervous?

"But wouldn't your boyfriend care? What's his name again?" Although it's a logical thing for you to mention, I find myself wondering: why are you spoiling the moment by bringing him up?

"It's not important," I say. "He's not important. I don't even like him." You're quiet for a moment, probably wondering why I would have a boyfriend I don't like. As I said before, it's not something you can understand.

"I'll go to dinner with you on one condition," you say. Oh great, I think to myself. I try to think of all possibilities in my head. Do you have a girlfriend you want to bring? Or maybe you want me to bring my younger, more beautiful sister?

"What condition?" I ask.

"It's not difficult," you say, probably seeing the worry on my face. "I want to see you smile tomorrow. A real smile, not a fake one, not a smirk. I've known who you are for the last ten years. And not once have I seen a genuine smile on your face."

Your words make me feel like crying because I know that they're true. I respond quietly. "I haven't had much to smile about."

"Well, then, we should change that," you tell me. There is no pity in your voice, you speak plainly.

"We can try," I say.

"Okay," you respond. "So, I'll see you tomorrow night."

My heart is pounding with excitement and anticipation.

You go back inside. Within about twenty seconds, you're back outside. "I'm sorry; I was so nervous about talking to you that I didn't ask you what time and place."

"You were nervous?" I ask. Even though the lighting is bad, I can that see your face is a slightly red, that you look a little embarrassed. A smile creeps onto my face.

You laugh a little bit. "Now, that wasn't so difficult, was it?"

"What?" I ask.

"You smiled."

"I did, didn't I?" I say with a small laugh.

"It's a beautiful smile," you say. "I hope to see more of them in the future."

And you will. Later I will truly realize how many smiles, how much laughter there will be in the years to come.