Bombs Up In My Face
I stared up at the crumbling plaster ceiling of my bedroom looking for an answer that I knew wouldn't be there. The question was a truth that I had tried so hard to hide from everyone, including myself. I glance from the ceiling down to the beat up brown waste basket in front of my window. It was full, full of the porno mags I use to be so proud of; the mags that use to make me, me.
They no longer gave me pleasure, no matter how hard I tried. All the trying and the pictures would just become the opposite of what I was trying to get out of them. I just needed them to disappear, but even with them gone I still wasn't ready to say the words that I needed to say; because if I say them then the person that everyone defined me as would be gone. I wasn't ready to lose that.
When I came to the realization of which I really was it was like a bomb going off in my face. How had I been so blind to the truth for so long? Or was it that I had made myself blind? It's funny I never looked at myself as someone who went deep into thoughts like this.
My friends never thought much of me as other than a womanizing porn freak; at least outside of our stupid super hero personas. But even then it wasn't that different. Even pretending they never acted like I was different.
"Oh, how I hate feeling different," I said out loud.
I felt like I needed to go out to clear my head and see some friends even if I had to pretend to be happy. But they were still in class. I faked illness so I wouldn't have to show up today. I didn't feel like a day of stress at school would help. Looking at the clock on the wall, I knew that school was almost over and someone would be here to drop off my homework.
I got out of bed brushing my hand through my blond hair to try to make it look half way decent. I didn't want who was coming to think I was worse off then I already was. I heard my parents going at it again and knew that I had better wait outside. Pulling on my orange parka I stepped outside without my parents even noticing.
I didn't wear the hood much anymore I no longer cared who saw my face. I lit up a cigarette and took a seat on the cement step leading up to the front door and waited. I figured it was best to make sure to go back to school the next day; it was either that or stay home and be bored. I took another drag off the cigarette and looked down the street and saw a blond haired person making his or her way past the train tracks.
I only hoped that it wasn't Bebe that was the last thing I wanted to deal with. It wasn't until the person started walking up the path to my house that I found that it was Butters. Sometimes it was hard to tell if Butters was a guy at all; he looked so girly but I guess that's what made him look cute. Wait did I just say cute?
I cleared my head of the thought and greeted Butters. But stopped when I saw that he was hurt and crying. There was a small gash on his forehead and a few smaller cuts. He saw me looking at the wound and looked away from me.
"Butters what happened to you?" I asked as he still refused to look at me.
"It's nothing, Kenny, it's just a scratch. I'll be fine," Butters said trying his best to force a smile.
Without even realizing what I was doing I wiped away a few stray tears from his face. This caused him to blush a bit. He looked so much cuter then any girl I ever saw. I saw that one of the cuts on his face was still bleeding.
"Let's go inside so you can clean yourself up, ok?" I asked with a smile.
Butters simply nodded unsure what to say. I took his right hand and led him into my house and straight into my bedroom so he didn't have to deal with my parents that were still fighting.
"Ken, really I'm fine I don't want you to worry about me," Butters said trying to assure me.
"Just let me take care of this for you, ok?" I said and had him sit on my bed as I went into the bathroom to get a towel and rubbing alcohol.
As I re-entered my room Butters was still sitting on my bed but he was crying softly. I took a seat next to him and wrapped my right arm around him. I just wanted him to stop crying.
Finally his tears stopped falling and I had to ask him who did this, but first I wanted to clean him up. So I carefully used the part of the towel that I poured a bit of the alcohol on and cleaned up the cuts and the gash on his face. Butters winced in pain briefly but then relaxed again.
"Who did this to you?" I asked finishing up.
Butters stayed silent, I could see that he was holding back tears.
"Please, Butters, I just want to know," I asked again as I used my free hand to hold one of his.
"It was...Cartman. He pushed me into a bush and ran off," Butters answered softly.
I didn't need to ask why. It was obvious why Cartman did it. Even when we were all younger that was always the reason that he got hurt and teased. Even I did it to him though I knew that it wasn't fair.
"Butters, you don't have to put up with all that crap. You just need to stand up for yourself," I said setting the towel on the floor.
"How can I, Ken? It doesn't matter, they would do it anyway. It's because I'm gay. That's why everyone hurts and teases me," Butters said looking like he was going to break down in tears.
I stayed silent and realized that I had always known but this was the first time I had ever heard him confirm it.
"Ken, you don't know what it's like to be the only one in school that's this way. I feel alone and I really don't know what to do anymore. It's like a bomb going off in my face all the time," Butters said
He placed a pile of papers on my bed and headed for the door. I couldn't just let him go, not like this. I had to say something; I had to get him to say. So as he looked towards me I said, "You are not alone."
Butters paused and just looked at me, his blond hair falling in the way of his eyes. I knew I had to continue or he would leave for sure this time.
"You were never alone. I've just haven't been able to accept it," I said softly.
"Kenny you mean you're..." Butters stopped unsure if he should say the word.
I nodded my head and pointed to the trash in the corner. Butters saw the mags and then back at me unsure of what to say.
"I haven't been able to say it. I still tried to fight it but I knew that I couldn't anymore. So I threw them all away this morning," I answered trying my hardest to get the words out.
"Ken, when did you start thinking like this?" Butters asked softly.
"Months I think. It just finally reached point that I couldn't lie to myself anymore. Then there was you, I think I..." I said trailing off.
I looked at Butters face; it took a moment for him to understand what I said. But once he did he smiled slightly. He started to stutter trying to get some words out and I decided to stop him by placing a kiss on his cheek.
He blushed even more than before. I sat and waited for him to compose himself.
"Ken, I...me too. I like you too," He finally answered returning the kiss of his own on my cheek.
I then took a chance and brought my lips to his. The kiss was short but very sweet. Looking at his face I could tell that he enjoyed it too.
"Does this mean that we're...dating?" Butters asked a little unsure.
"Of course it does," I said bluntly.
He smiled at me and sat back down next to me on my bed. His hair once again fell in front of his face. I brought up my hand to pull it away.
"Sorry, I know I should probably get it cut," Butters laughed.
"No, it makes you look cute. But I think I have something that might help," I said getting up from the bed and walked over to my dresser and pulled out one of the beat up drawers. I finally found what I was looking for. It was once my sisters before she went goth or whatever it's called now, I kept it just in case she would become her old self again.
I walked back to Butters and handed him one of my sister's old pink barrettes. He looked at it unsure of what to do with it. So I took it from his hand placed it in his hair.
I looked at him and he was blushing like crazy having such a girly thing in his hair. I thought that it made him so much cuter and placed a kiss on his forehead.
"Ken, people will beat me up more if I wear this," Butters said softly.
"They're not going to touch you; I'll make sure of that. Besides I can tell that you like it," I answered, pulling him into a tight hug.
"Thanks for the gift, Ken, I love it," Butters said hiding his face into my chest.
We slipped back on the bed and as Butters kept his face against my chest he wound his arms around me. I looked back up at the ceiling, this time, with a smile.
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