"Crossroads"
By Adrienne
Author's Note: Dedicated to all the wonderful Lubies out there!
Spoilers: Everything through Season 7
Luka sighed as he put down his last chart. It had been a long day. He still couldn't believe that father had gone on a shooting spree. Nine were dead, and five more severely injured. Days like this made him wonder why he was a doctor at all, and to top it off, Abby was mad at him. Luka hadn't meant to go behind her back when he turned in her med school application, he truly thought that she had simply forgotten.
Why didn't Abby want to go back to med school? She had talked about it for the last year and now suddenly she changed her mind? Something wasn't right about that. Was it the money? The workload? Was she afraid? Thoughts raced through Luka's head and he walked off, anxious to talk with Abby.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"I don't want to be your friend anymore…I don't want to be your friend anymore…" Those words rang over and over in Abby's mind. She still couldn't believe Carter had said that. Abby had suspected Carter had a crush on her for some time now, but had tried to ignore it. She just didn't feel that way about him, and her life was complicated enough. But this changed things because she valued their friendship so much.
And then there was the issue of her med school application. Abby wasn't really mad at Luka for turning it in; she did leave it lying out, and he was only trying to be helpful. Luka had basically offered to pay her tuition, and that scared her to death. They hadn't really made any sort of commitment, and Abby wasn't sure she was ready to. It had been less than a year since her divorce, and she had vowed that the next time she wouldn't get hurt.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Luka found Abby in the lounge, lost in thought. He sat next to her on the couch and she offered him a weak smile.
"Are you off?" he asked.
"A couple of minutes ago."
"Ready to go home?"
"Actually, I just want to be by myself tonight."
"Oh," Luka replied, slightly hurt. "Is something wrong? Are you mad at me?"
"No, I'm not mad at you," she assured him. "There are just a few things I have to take care of."
"Abby," Luka began, "if there was something wrong, you would tell me, right?"
She sensed he needed the right answer so she softly whispered, "Yes."
Luka smiled a little uncertainly and leaned in to kiss her. Abby pulled away after a few seconds and he took that as his cue to leave. Before he stood up, Luka took her hand and looked into her eyes. "Abby, I'm here for you if you need me, no matter what happens."
"I know," she said softly.
"I love you," Luka told you. Abby's eyes widened, and she looked a little startled. "You don't have to say anything. I just wanted you to know." Luka kissed her forehead, gave her hand one last squeeze, and left.
When she heard the door close, Abby let her face rest in her hands, and she sighed. Luka loved her, she thought. In stead of being thrilled, though, she was scared. Scared of the future, scared she might not be capable of loving him. Abby's thoughts were interrupted by Carter, who walked into the lounge. He paused when he saw Abby.
"Carter," she said, and he simply nodded and went to his locker. "Is this how it's going to be? We won't even talk to each other anymore?"
"It's not that easy, Abby. Things are different."
"They don't have to be…Can we at least talk about it?"
Carter sighed resignedly. "I'm going to Doc Magoo's to get some coffee."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Abby…I'm sorry for what I said, about not wanting to be your friend anymore…it's just that…When I got back from rehab, you were the only one who didn't pity me, the only person I could really confide in, and I just…fell in love with you."
Abby looked down at her cup of coffee when Carter said this, not wanting to have to meet his eyes. "John," she began, "your friendship means so much to me. You've been there for me through everything and I'm so grateful to you for that…I do love you, just not like that."
Carter nodded slowly and quietly he said, "I understand."
"I don't want to lose our friendship."
"Neither do I…I just need some time."
"Okay…Carter, there is someone wonderful girl out there for you who's going to make you so happy someday. Someone who will love you, someone you'll love so much that your heart races just thinking about her." Carter looked at Abby with a sad smile.
"Are you in love with Luka?" he asked.
Abby was surprised by the question. "I don't know," she answered truthfully. Carter's pager began beeping and he stood up.
"Well, I have to get back to work."
"I'll see you tomorrow," Abby told him, and he leaned over to kiss her forehead.
"Bye." Carter left and Abby felt the tears well up in her eye. God, she hadn't wanted to hurt him, but there wasn't any other way to say it. She told herself all of this was for the better, and brushed the tears away.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Luka walked out of the hospital for the second time that night. He had forgotten his keys in his locker, and he had to go back to get them.
He was worried about Abby, and wondered what she was doing that night when he saw her through the window of Doc Magoo's. She was sitting in a booth, talking to Carter. Luka felt a wave of emotions surge through his body. Anger, jealousy, loneliness, longing. Why could Abby talk to Carter, but not him? He knew that he hadn't been there for her in the beginning of their relationship and that's why she turned to Carter, but things were different now. He was here for Abby and would do anything to make her happy.
Luka's thoughts were interrupted by someone calling his name. "Luka!" He turned around to see Kerry walking out of the ambulance bay.
"Hi, Kerry."
"Hey, are you off?"
"Yeah, a while ago," he replied morosely.
"Is something wrong, Luka?" Kerry asked with concern when she noticed his gloomy demeanor and expression.
"No, no…" Kerry looked at him, knowing he wasn't telling the truth. "Well, Abby and I…we're having some problems."
"I'm sorry…Have you had dinner yet? We could get something to eat, talk about things…"
Luka hesitated slightly, but then thought: Why not? "Yes, I would like that very much."
"Great."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"That was something today, wasn't it?" Kerry commented.
"Yeah, pretty scary. Do you think Adele will be okay?"
"Probably, but we won't know for sure until tomorrow."
"So, Romano fired Legaspi?"
"He tried…I, uh, I told him."
"Told who what?" Luka asked, confused.
"I told Romano I was gay, and that I knew he was firing Legaspi just because she's a lesbian. He did that a couple years before with Maggie Doyle, but he won't get away with it this time."
"That's great, Kerry."
"I want to thank you, Luka, for not saying anything about my relationship with Kim."
"It's no problem. I understand how it could affect your position at the hospital."
"Yeah…I'm glad I told Romano, though…I was tired of hiding, and why should I be ashamed?"
Luka shrugged, "Sometimes the opinions of others make it difficult for us to be ourselves."
Kerry smiled. "How'd you get to be so wise?"
"Life…So, did you tell Dr. Legaspi how you feel?"
"Yeah, I did actually…"
"What happened?"
"She said that nothing had really changed since we stopped seeing each other."
"I'm sorry," Luka said sincerely.
"So am I," Kerry replied sadly.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Mark Greene walked into Doc Magoo's, exhausted. He ordered a cheeseburger and fries at the counter when he spotted Abby sitting by herself. She seemed to be troubled by something, so Mark walked over to her.
"Want some company?" he inquired.
"Oh, Dr Greene," Abby said, startled. "Of course. Please sit down."
"Long day, wasn't it?"
"They always are."
"You okay, Abby? You seemed kind of upset about something today."
"Oh…I suppose so."
"Your mother doing okay?"
"Yeah, she called yesterday. She likes her job, has a place to live, but who knows."
"Must be tough," Mark commented sympathetically. Abby simply nodded.
"Is Adele okay?" She asked.
"She should be, but it's still iffy for the next couple days."
"How are Dr. Corday and the baby?"
"They're good. Elizabeth's exhausted, though."
"I can imagine."
"I have a picture, right here," Mark said, pulling it out of his wallet. Abby looked at the picture of Mark and Elizabeth, who was holding Ella. They were both smiling, and Ella was peacefully asleep.
"She's beautiful," Abby said, wistfully.
"Isn't she?" Mark replied, proud of his daughter. "So, are you going to tell me what's wrong, or am I going to have to pry it out of you?"
Abby sighed. "Well, it started out with an argument I had with Luka."
"What was it about?"
"My med school application. I didn't want to go back, but I didn't tell Luka, and he turned my application in."
"I thought you were going back next semester."
"I don't know…I need some time to decide if it's really what I want to do…And then Luka offered to pay my tuition, but it just doesn't feel right to me."
"I can understand how it wouldn't," Mark told her.
"And then he and Carter haven't been getting along…and today Carter told me he was in love with me."
Mark was taken aback by this revelation. "Wow. What did you say?"
"I told him I didn't feel the same way, but didn't want our friendship to end over this…And to add to all of that, Luka told me he loves me today…and I'm not sure how I feel about him."
"How long have you two been together now?"
"About seven months."
"Do you want a commitment right now?"
"I don't know…I know Luka does, that he wants a family. He would be a wonderful father, but I don't know if I would ever want to get married again."
"What does your heart tell you?"
"…That Luka's a wonderful man. He's sweet and kind, thoughtful. He tries to make me happy…and I'm lucky to have him."
"Abby, sometimes you have to just go for something no matter how scared you are, because if you don't face your fear, you'll never be happy." Abby took his words to heart, contemplating them seriously as she walked home that night.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"I'm not very experienced at matters of the heart, as you already know. But I've seen you and Abby together. Your face lights up every time you see her, anyone can see that," Kerry told Luka.
"When my wife died, I never thought I would love anyone ever again…and then I met Carol, she was a single mother and she reminded me so much of Danijela. I loved the idea of being with Carol and taking care of her girls…But then Carol left, and Abby came into the picture. She's such a strong woman, but she has this wall around her, and won't let anyone in…except Carter…I don't know what I'd do if I lost Abby…"
"She's probably scared of commitment, like anyone is. Her divorce has only been final for a year; she has a lot of things to deal with. Her mother, med school, it's a lot to handle."
"It's like we're at a crossroads right now. I know which way I want to go, but she isn't sure."
"You just have to give her time, and listen to her, let her know you're there."
"I just don't understand why she will talk to Carter, but not me," Luka told her miserably.
"I don't know. Maybe she's afraid of letting herself get too close because she could get hurt again."
This had never occurred to Luka before, and he realized Kerry was probably right. "Thank you, Kerry."
"Go to her apartment, Luka, make sure she's all right."
"I will."