Author's Note/Disclaimer: I do not own Harry or anything related to him. Property of JKR! I also do not own the Owner's Manual series. Property of Theresa Green! (found here: www.fanfiction.net/~theresagreen ) This isn't nearly as funny as the originals, or even the others not written by Theresa, but I had to do it! Oh, and Theresa, anyone with a GANDALF manual in the works? I'm not volunteering, merely curious! ~*~
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a HERMIONE GRANGER!
Please follow the guidelines in this manual carefully to ensure your HERMIONE functions at her optimal capability.
INSTALLATION
When you receive your HERMIONE, unwrap her from her Hogwarts robes. It is not necessary to remove any other garments at this stage.
Your HERMIONE should arrive fully assembled and powered up. Please check that you have all her accessories (see below.)
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Name: Hermione Granger
Type: Witch
Manufacturer: Muggle Models, Inc.
Weapon: unicorn hair and yew
Weapon Length: 10 1/2 inches
ACCESSORIES
(a) Hogwarts robes
(b) Wand
(c) Hogwarts, A History and other texts
(d) CROOKSHANKS unit and components
(e) Quill, ink, and parchment
Note: Other books and cauldron sold separately.
OPERATING PROCEDURE
Your HERMIONE has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. As the best friend of HARRY and the smartest girl in the school, she comes in handy around your own home, not just Hogwarts:
Research: HERMIONE is the smartest girl at Hogwarts for a reason! She spends too much time in the library, but this could be used to your advantage.
General Repairs: Due to her know-it-all nature, anything that needs fixing will be immediately fixed by HERMIONE. Remember HARRY's glasses?
Mouser: Thanks to HERMIONE's pet CROOKSHANKS, you never have to call an exterminator again. Just let the cat loose and soon your house will be vermin-free and stay that way!
Just about anything else!: Thanks to HERMIONE's abilities as a witch, she can use her wand to do just about anything you need done, domestically speaking. Never use a vacuum or dishwasher again: HERMIONE can charm everything to wash itself.
*** CAUTION *** HERMIONE's braininess can be nerve-wracking, nay annoying, at times. Try to interest her in things not pertaining to academia. She is NOT suited to Quidditch.
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS
HERMIONE is perfectly compatible with most Wizards and Muggles. Keep away from any VOLDEMORT or DEATH EATER units in the area, particularly DRACO MALFOY.
HERMIONE has three major settings:
(a) Hostile
(b) Friendly
(c) Romantic/Slash*
*** NOTE *** HERMIONE will automatically switch into Hostile mode when she encounters VOLDEMORT or DEATH EATERs, and it is her *default* setting with DRACO. Normally, HERMIONE will retreat when encountering 'evil' units. She can be switched into Friendly with DRACO, but the feature is disabled against VOLDEMORT or any DEATH EATER and they will remain in Hostile no matter what setting you adjust her to be.
*Due to her youth, the Romance/Slash setting cannot be adjusted and is set at a PG-13 rating.
CLEANING
Your HERMIONE model is perfectly capable of cleaning herself regularly and will probably do so without needing to be told.
RECHARGING
After long periods of use, your HERMIONE's energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your wizard:
Food: Most any normal food will do.
Drink: Pumpkin juice is preferred.
Sleep: Automatically sleeps at night.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS/TROUBLESHOOTING
Q: Can I purchase a second HERMIONE?
A: One HERMIONE per household, as with all models in the Hogwarts World line.
Q: My HERMIONE refuses to read, preferring to flip through comic books!
A: Reintroduce her to Hogwarts, A History and other non-Muggle works; she should be fine within three chapters. Take away the comics just in case.
Q: My HERMIONE isn't as bright as she's supposed to be, and talks incessantly about Quidditch!
A: You've mistakenly been issued a KATIE BELL. Return for an exchange, if quantities are in stock.
Q: HERMIONE refuses to do anything BUT read, muttering about OWLs and NEWTs.
A: HERMIONE is suffering from Smart Girl Overload. Her brainiac programming needs a break or her head will probably explode. Find your nearest HARRY and RON models and ship them to Diagon Alley, or anything remotely resembling it. Do NOT let her near a book store.
Q: My HERMIONE was set to Romance and encountered a Hostile RON.
A: Someone was careless here as RON/HERMIONE default interaction is Friendly bordering on Romance! Check the settings of other units before letting your HERMIONE around them. We are working on software to remedy accidents like this, but we implore owners to be more careful. We will charge for repairs.
Q: HERMIONE found my mirror and won't put it down. She takes it everywhere, using it to look around corners.
A: Most likely, HERMIONE is having a relapse from the trauma of being petrified. Explain to her that there is no more basilisk and that you need your mirror. If she refuses to part with it, buy her a mirror of her own. She'll eventually figure out everything's fine and stop.
Q: HERMIONE refuses to use magic around my house. She insists it's in violation of the Underage something or other…?
A: Hogwarts students aren't supposed to use magic when they aren't in school. Explain to HERMIONE that it's okay and if need be, find an ALBUS unit to reassure her. Have the nearest RON, HARRY or any other STUDENT model use magic in her presence to show they aren't being reprimanded by the Ministry. It might take a while but she should come around and start to use magic after ensuring to herself that it is safe to do so without repercussions.
Q: My HERMIONE found my collection of HERMIONE/SNAPE fan fiction, has locked herself in her room and refuses to come out!
A: Your only option is probably to get a new HERMIONE; this one is probably scarred beyond reason. You could try finding your nearest SNAPE model and have him talk to her rationally that he still hates her sorry Gryffindor guts and that some people are sick and twisted and think things should be otherwise, and see if she can be calmed down, but more than likely not. And I hope you learned not to leave such things around where people could find them.
Q: I find HERMIONE's bossy intellectualism annoying. Can I get a refund?
A: No. You should've known better than to buy a model known for her bossy intellectualism. See your nearest Hogwarts World retailer for the possibility of an exchange.
Q: My daughter and/or son has become increasingly withdrawn since I got my HERMIONE. S/he refuses to spend time with her, and it upsets me. I bought my HERMIONE to be a companion for little Suzy/Johnny!
A: Ask yourself if you are spending too much time with your HERMIONE. Have been neglecting your own children? Do you buy things for HERMIONE and not them? Does she make them feel inferior? Have her help them with their own homework and other sundry bonding activities.
AVAILABILITY:
HERMIONE is available sold separately or as part of the Dream Team set with RON and HARRY. Set units not marketed for individual sale.
GUARANTEE:
Your HERMIONE comes with a lifetime warranty.
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A/N 2: I found this easier to write than Harry's. Yes, I know parts of it are the same or slight variations, but when you think about real owner's manuals for products of the same nature/line/whatever, isn't that generally the case? Hope I managed to amuse a few people, at least. I wasn't able to find Hermione's wand so this is a guess. If anyone could correct me, I'd appreciate it. (My copy of Sorcerer's Stone is at home, not here in my dorm room with the other books, for some inexplicable reason.) Thanks muchly! Look for more in the future, hopefully funnier. (Humor was never my strong point.) Also, I have nothing against Snape/Hermione fan fiction, but you really shouldn't leave that stuff out! ;-)