Title: Once More With Feeling
Author: hbomba
Rating: M
Summary: Post 4x13, Alternate season 5 relationship arc. In a tailspin with Lauren, Bo finally realizes that it's time for her last-ditch effort if she has any hope of saving their relationship
Author's Notes: This story came about after a convo with DifficultFae. I usually write Lauren POV and this is a sort of character study of Bo and her motivations in relation to Doccubus.
A big thank you to my partner in crime, lonejaguar for the mad editing as always.
"Each time you happen to me all over again." | Edith Wharton
She had said she was okay with it but the truth was, Bo didn't understand Lauren's decision to stay behind with Evony one bit. In fact, it was just another lie and unlike other lies, this one's purpose was to spare her feelings. Bo had said she was okay with a lot of things that she really wasn't, ushering in a new age of miscommunication between her and Lauren. They lived separate lives and Bo came to accept the fate of another relationship. And so, Bo grieved for Kenzi alone, her heart so heavy that she could barely breathe some days, Lauren only managing a rare appearance when her new position at the clinic allowed it. They were, for all intents and purposes, strangers with a common past.
Lauren had left all her cards on the table when she declared 'I'm yours.' But even as she was silently accepting Lauren's affections with a kiss, she was rejecting her. It had been eight months of separation before Bo came to the unavoidable conclusion that she wanted to be with Lauren. She could lie and say she did a lot of thinking during that time but mostly she numbed her loneliness with meaningless sex, the rougher the better, liquor, and the pursuit of her origins. All of this left little time to think about Lauren or the state of their relationship.
And when her world finally stalled and she stumbled onto her unspent feelings for Lauren, Bo was unsurprised. They were never dormant, these feelings and truth be told, Bo had been hiding from how much they meant for far too long. So here she was, standing in the parking lot, Lauren's apartment building looming over her like an ominous harbinger of love lost and hopefully, she thought, found again.
The rain had left the asphalt blue-black, reflecting the street lamp's light sharply in the midnight hour. Her boots splashed through the puddles, filling the uneven surface of the lot as she approached the building. The glass doors were immaculate, not a fingerprint or smudge to be seen and Bo couldn't help but to smile as she pulled the door open. Bo ran a finger down the resident listing to find LEWIS near the bottom. She punched in four digits and waited for it to ring-through.
"Hello?" Lauren's voice crackled through the small speaker.
"Hey Lauren," she started. "It's me." She hesitated. "Bo," she finished, instantly feeling foolish when she saw the security camera pointed at the keypad and her.
The door buzzed and Bo pushed inside the opulent lobby. Lauren had certainly traded up. She called the elevator and the panic began to set in. She had no plans, she thought she would only need to see Lauren for the words to form, but now she was beginning to second guess her own plan-free plan.
When the elevator opened, Lauren was standing in the hall, her apartment door held ajar with her foot. Bo smiled and approached her carefully, cautiously, like a grenade that Bo had pulled the pin from. "Are you hurt?" Lauren asked, concerned.
Bo shook her head. "Nothing like that." She smiled.
Lauren stepped back into the doorway and let Bo pass. She hadn't visited Lauren since she had moved into Dark Fae territory. Though the furniture was familiar, they were a long way from the Light Fae camp and these new surroundings were ominous yet impressive. Dark hardwoods dominated the décor, lush coffee-colored walls and white wainscoting. Bo was drawn to the view, the city's lights twinkling beneath her. Every detail of Lauren's life felt as far away as the city streets below and Bo began to wonder if she had made a huge mistake.
Lauren stood behind her, wringing her hands. "Has something happened?
"No, everything is fine," Bo said, shaking her head again with a smile.
Lauren took a few steps toward her. "Bo," she said smoothly, diplomatically. "It's midnight. If nothing's happened and you're not hurt, then why are you here?"
"Because some things, the important things," Bo corrected herself, "never change."
"Bo," Lauren smiled sadly. "I love you, I really do, but I feel like I'm at a carnival and all the rides are broken or boring and I keep ending up in the same never-ending line for the only ride that is any fun."
"That's me, right? I'm the fun ride?"
Lauren nodded. "It's you…"
Bo looked around. "There's no line now." She watched the grief wash over Lauren's features first, followed by sadness and exhaustion. Not exactly the reaction Bo was expecting, to be sure, so she charged ahead, like Bo was wont to do. "Lauren, I-"
The shrill ringing of Lauren's phone interrupted. "I have to take this," she said. Lauren listened with a grave expression on her face. "I'll be right there." She hung up the phone and looked at Bo. "I'm sorry, I'm on call tonight. I have to go."
"Let me take you."
"I can call a car," Lauren said.
"Who's going to get you there faster, me or some limo driver?"
She considered Bo's words for a moment and relented. "I'll get my things." She disappeared down the hall and Bo spotted a substantial office at the end as she looked after her. Lauren breezed through the door on the left, though, which must have been her bedroom.
"So this place is great, Lauren, really great." Bo wondered if Lauren could hear the sadness in her voice as she admitted that Lauren had done way better for herself than Bo ever could have done for her. When no response came, Bo tread lightly towards the light spilling into the hallway. The floor creaked under her weight and Lauren caught her standing in the doorway to her bedroom. She smiled, collecting a change of clothes, something she guessed more doctors working at a hospital did on a regular basis than she realized.
The room smelled like Lauren and Bo found herself growing weaker at the exposure. She stepped inside the room and her eyes scanned the getaway that was Lauren's bedroom: candles, essential oils, a luxurious down duvet and matching down pillows. Her sheets were some obscene thread count that Bo couldn't even hazard a guess about, though she was sure if you asked Lauren, there was a very logical rationale for all of it. And her mattress, oh, her mattress was a study in double padded perfection, Bo remembered with an unmatched clarity. Lauren always said sleep was a most precious commodity in life, a notion that Bo disagreed with, but she appreciated the accoutrements just the same.
And now, hands gripping the footboard of Lauren's bed as she stood behind it watching Lauren pack a small overnight bag, Bo was overcome with regret for never having let herself sleep with Lauren. Sex and love, they had made in spades, but had Bo missed out on the tenderness of holding her lover after the body bliss had faded because for whatever reason, a succubus needs to prowl in the early morning hours. But, as compelled as she was to skulk around, she was also brimming with emotions for Lauren.
"You okay?" Her hand was on Bo's shoulder. She gave a quick squeeze.
Bo inhaled a deep breath and shook her head. "Never better." She smiled. It was a lie. Everything felt like a lie in that moment, but Bo released her handhold on the bed and felt like she had lost her touchstone. "You ready?" Bo juggled her car keys noisily in her pocket.
The elevator ride was a lesson in restraint for Bo. She was close enough to smell her hair, but she resisted burying her face in it. She could taste her in the air between them, but she didn't kiss her with a fervent insistence, or kiss her at all for that matter. Instead she stole glances, enjoyed her scent and taste and readied herself for the moment when it would be the right time.
The car dinged, its doors opening and Bo waved Lauren ahead. "After you." She smiled, stepping in behind her and following her out of the lobby. The yellow Camaro was easily spotted in the near-empty parking lot and Lauren made a beeline for it.
Bo turned the key and the engine roared to life. Pulling onto the road, Bo smiled at her again, trying to instigate something, anything. Lauren lived close to the clinic so the trip wouldn't take long and Bo would have to think fast if she wanted to woo Lauren by the light of the dashboard on this night.
"I really appreciate this, Bo."
"Not a problem," she said enthusiastically. "Glad I could help."
"Bo, are you going to tell me why you came to see me tonight?"
Pulling into the clinic's lot, Bo considered it for a moment. "I can't, I'm sorry. I think we need a little more time than you have to spare." She shut the car off.
"Come inside with me?" Lauren's hand found it's way to Bo's thigh.
"Lauren…"
"I think I need to hear what you have to say."
"But you're on-call."
"There's always a lull around three a.m."
Bo raised her eyebrows and sighed. "Something to look forward to."
Lauren was signing off on charts at the admission desk and Bo couldn't take her eyes off of her. She was authoritative and decisive, her words were calming but prickly, without the intent to injure. She ran a tight ship, Bo could see that clearly and she wondered if there was still room for her on the barge-and in Lauren's life.
A sneeze shattered Bo's reminiscing. The sniffling Fae beside her blew his nose into a tissue and Bo scooted away. Bo slumped down in her chair, stretching her legs across the aisle of chairs, she snatched a ratty magazine off the chair beside her and exhaled. Her eyes traveled to Lauren again, taking a patient's vitals behind a half-closed curtain. As much as she wanted to rush into the fray and kiss Lauren the way she deserved to be kissed after all this time, Bo checked her instincts, however faulty, and rejoined her thoughts.
It would be easy for Bo to assume things would be as they always were with Lauren, but after she saw the look on Lauren's face when Bo hinted about reconciliation, she wasn't so sure that they could put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
"Bo." Someone shook her shoulder as the succubus slowly came to.
Opening unhurriedly, her eyes focused on Lauren's face, close enough to kiss, close enough to hold. "Hey." Bo couldn't help the smile that played at the corners of her mouth.
"You can't sleep in my waiting room." Her voice sounded harsh until she spoke again. "It's not safe."
Bo's sat up and let herself be pulled out of the chair by Lauren's smooth hand. She led Bo into her office, a combination morgue, O.R. and personal space for the doctor. She looked back at the emptying waiting room and then to the clock on the wall. "Three a.m. lull?"
"Or what passes for one today."
"You can sleep in there…" Lauren released her hand and pointed into the connecting room, its blue glow enticing Bo as much as the hospital bed dressed in crisp white linens.
"I'd like to talk to you, if it's all the same to you," Bo turned to face her. "Are you hungry?"
"I'm famished." Lauren sighed.
"Hungry work." Bo smiled. "Is there a cafeteria in this place?"
"No." She shook her head. "We have a sandwich machine and a coffee machine that makes a very serviceable espresso." Lauren smiled and tossed her hair to the side.
"Lead on, doctor." Bo's hand slid across the small of Lauren's back. "Tonight we dine on both stale and soggy bread." Bo grinned, her breath blowing into Lauren's ear. "And it's my treat."
"What'll it be?" Bo said, feeding quarters into the sandwich machine.
"E-3," she said with a practiced ease.
"Tuna fish," Bo goaded. "Dr. Lewis, living dangerously." She punched in the code and reached in to remove the sandwich when the case unlocked. She passed it to Lauren. "And I'll have D-4." A few more quarters and soon Bo was lifting another plate from the case.
"Chicken salad." Bo bit her lip and smiled.
She smirked. "You are a creature of habit, Succubus."
Lauren sat at a small table by the window, unwrapping her lunch. She didn't say it spitefully, or with malice, but there was a tone she couldn't name.
"So what brings you and your sad little sandwich in tonight, Dr. Lewis?"
"Sick call," Lauren said, chewing her sandwich greedily.
"A sick doctor," Bo said. "Huh."
"What?"
"I just thought your kind never got sick."
Lauren chuckled. "Of course we do, we're mortal. Well," she considered. "Some of us."
"Yeah," Bo said pensively, staring at her sandwich.
"Is there something wrong?"
"Lauren, can we talk?
"Yes, of course."
"I mean, really talk."
"Bo, you know you can talk to me about anything. Well…" She looked at the ceiling. "Almost anything."
Bo sat across from her and picked at the plastic wrap covering her sandwich, but didn't unwrap it. "Yeah," she smiled good naturedly. "But maybe it's time we talk about the rest of it, too."
Lauren stopped chewing and set her sandwich down on the plate. "Bo, I-"
"I know what you're going to say…" She smiled and reached out for Lauren's hand. "We've been here before…"
"I don't think that you do."
"What is it?" Bo felt panic-real panic-screaming and thrashing in her chest.
Lauren's face was grim. "My beeper just went off."
Bo sat in the pathetic little cafeteria that Evony built, waiting for Lauren. Her feet were kicked up on the chair Lauren had vacated when her beeper went off and she was losing hope faster by the minute. Lauren knew why she was there now and her defenses had surely gone up at the first mention of 'us', now she had all this time to mull over how to let Bo down easy. "Shit." She rubbed her eyes.
Standing, she paced the shoebox-sized room before boldly venturing into the clinic proper. The attending had his hands full with a group of Fae tourists with food poisoning, the night clerk was filling in charts at the front desk and didn't notice Bo slip by and into Lauren's office. As it turned out, Dark Fae security was just as lax Light Fae security had been. Bo smiled as she remembered sneaking into Lauren's loft that first time.
"Oh to be a fly on that brain of yours…" Lauren stood near the other entrance to her office, drying her hands. She walked towards Bo with a mischievous smirk.
"Lauren, hey…"
"I've been thinking…"
"About what?" Bo squirmed.
"What could have brought you to my doorstep at midnight."
Bo rocked back on her heels, crossed her arms and shrugged. "I was in the area?"
"You were there for a booty call."
"No, I wasn't."
Lauren wagged her finger at Bo. "Yes, you were. You were trying to booty call me."
Bo sighed. "Okay, so what if I was? Would you have said no?"
The corner of Lauren's mouth crooked wickedly. "I don't know."
"Come on! It's obvious that you would, even now."
"Even now?" Lauren walked from across the room and into Bo's orbit. "Hmm…" She hummed quietly as her hands landed upon Bo's shoulders, smoothing over them and down her arms, appraising her. She pursed her lips. "No, I don't think I would."
Bo smiled. She was joking. She had to be joking. "Ha ha, doctor."
Lauren leaned back with her hands deep in her white lab coat, a smile playing on her lips.
"Dr. Lewis!" A voice called from the lobby. And then, "Hold him down, hold him down!"
Lauren cast a glance at Bo before rushing out of her office, Bo following her into the lobby. The nurse was administering a sedative to an unruly male patient when he burst free from the three guards holding him down. He stood in bare feet in the middle of the room, daring the men to come at him. One guard up, one guard down. The man slid by them on the floor. Another man ran at him with his nightstick and was rebuffed just as quickly.
"What is this kid's major malfunction?" Bo asked over the ruckus.
"He's an incubus who's just matured." Lauren ducked out of the way of a thrown phone book. "Can you keep him busy for me?"
"Yeah, of course." Lauren disappeared into her office and Bo advanced on the incubus. "Hey buddy, ever hear the phrase make love not war?"
"Lady, I can't even get a date to prom."
"Cheer up, you're about to become a man." Bo's mouth opened and a stream of blue came forth from the incubus. He fought it, like no Fae she had ever stolen chi from before, and soon his hand was around her neck, halting the flow of chi. She squeezed his throat and her hand began to glow.
"Hmm." His head rolled back and he softened momentarily. "I can do that, too."
Bo's eyes went hazy then as the waves of warmth washed over her. It was so pleasurable that she didn't see Lauren walk in as she kissed him. It wasn't long before a hand gripped her shoulder and squeezed as the incubus cried out.
"Ow!" He howled, holding his neck.
Bo looked at Lauren who looked back at her, barely hiding her dismay as she lowered a syringe. "Take him in, but keep him sedated until I can administer the hunger serum." Her assistant helped the incubus into a wheelchair and pushed him down the hall. Lauren watched him go, before turning and retreating into her inner sanctum and leaving Bo standing alone in the waiting room. She slumped in a chair and sighed. She had stepped in it again.
"The hunger serum?" Her voice shattered the silence of Lauren's office. "Is that what you used to give me?"
"Yeah," Lauren nodded without looking at her as she reorganized files at her desk.
"Lauren, I-"
"It's okay, Bo."
Bo knew in these instances it was best to let Lauren take the lead but something told her this time she better make things clear. "He used his thrall."
"He's just a kid, Bo."
"I'm sorry." She shook her head. "I got caught up in the moment."
Bo jumped when the file drawer slammed and Lauren stood. "Maybe you should go."
It felt like an era had passed in the time it took Bo to speak again. Her hands shoved deep in her jacket's pockets, Bo stared Lauren down. To say she never knew it hurt her this much, would be a lie. Bo knew what it felt like to walk in on somebody she cared about with another person. She remembers the dejection she felt after Dyson had done it to her and now she had brought about something in Lauren that she had to contain quickly. The very fabric of their little 'r' relationship depended on it.
"C'mon, Lauren… we need to talk."
"I'm going to stop you right there. This…" Her hands swirled around between them. "…is never going to work."
She was angrier than Bo had realized. "Why?" She took a step forward. "Tell me why."
"It's always going to be about sex with you." There was a palpable sadness in her tone.
"Oh." Bo waited a beat before juggling her car keys in her pocket. "I'll get out of your hair, then."
Lauren let her get all the way to the door before calling after her. "Bo, wait." Bo stopped but didn't turn around. She couldn't hide her own sadness that even a doctor could not look past her biggest hurdle: monogamy. "It was nice having you around today. Please don't stay away so long again."
Bo looked at the floor and then the doorknob. "See you soon," she said, her hand on the knob. She yanked it open and left without hazarding another look at Lauren. It was a war of attrition, wearing each other down until the only thing that was left was love. But maybe that was enough. She barged through the waiting room and out into the early morning darkness. She inhaled deeply. It was still raining off and on and the air was thick. When she got to the Camaro, her heart rate had slowed.
The car door creaked as she wrenched it open and slid into the well-worn bucket seat. The key was in the ignition when something stopped her. She could run away or let herself be pushed away or she could stand her ground. She had chased Lauren all night and for what? She had to be bold and brave now. She couldn't give in to fears, Lauren's or her own. Pulling the key from the ignition, Bo sat back. She would wait. Something would come to her.
It was dawn when Lauren stepped out the front doors of the clinic, breathing in the cool air. From a few parking spaces down the street, the Camaro's lights illuminated and the car crept forward, stopping in front of the clinic. Bo emerged from the Camaro and walked around the car, one hand hidden behind her back.
"What's going on? I called a car."
"And your personal security detail cancelled it."
"Security detail," she said, walking down the wet concrete steps. "That's you?"
"On paper, but I am so much more than that." Lauren couldn't suppress the smile that spread across her face. "These are for you." Bo's arm swung from behind her back and offered a bouquet of multicolored roses to Lauren.
"In light of the conversation we had earlier, you'll forgive me if I'm a bit confused."
"Take them."
"Bo…"
Bo took her hand and pressed the bouquet into her palm. "First of all, do you know how hard it is to find flowers at daybreak?"
She nodded, with a smile. "I can imagine." Lauren said drolly. "So how did you manage?"
"Well, after much skulking, some dagger hack and slash, the rose garden down the street will never be the same again." She shrugged impishly.
"Deflowered," a hiccup of a laugh escaped her. "Just another day in the life." Lauren smirked.
Bo opened the passenger door for Lauren, who warily became a party to Bo's wooing. She sat in the front seat with her ill-gotten roses as Bo walked around the car and finally slid into the bucket seat beside her. The engine roared as Bo pulled away from the clinic. The drive was absurdly short at dawn and soon Bo was skittering around the car to open Lauren's door again.
They stood there, in front of Lauren's apartment building, the rain had stopped for the moment, but the sky was still dreary and Bo's mood was much the same. Bo studied her face, an impossible puzzle or riddle that Bo had no clue if she was solving correctly, but she would try. Would she ever.
"Goodnight," she said, leaning back against the Camaro. She watched Lauren walk to the apartment building's front door and pause.
Bo's heart clattered in her chest, sputtering to life when Lauren's eyes met hers from the distance. "You still want to talk?"
Bo leaned against the door frame as Lauren's key jingled in the lock. "It sticks sometimes."
"We can always go back to the clubhouse." Bo smiled.
"…where we could talk but most likely, we wouldn't."
"We could do that in there, too." Bo took the keys from Lauren and tried her luck with the lock. After a few moments, they heard a click. "Breaking down your barriers one door at a time." Bo grinned, opening the door and Lauren walked in ahead of her.
It would be so easy to make this about sex, to overwhelm her senses after all this time. But she couldn't. They had to talk. First things first. "Give me your cell phone." Bo said.
"What, why?"
"Just give it to me. Your beeper too."
"What if there is an emergency?"
"You just got off shift. They can't use you anyway." Lauren unclipped the beeper and passed it with her phone to Bo. The succubus removed her own phone from her cleavage and displayed them all as she walked to the refrigerator. Predictably, it was empty. Some things never change. She opened the drawer and dropped the devices into the crisper, closing it noisily. She patted the closed refrigerator door and rejoined Lauren. "No interruptions," she purred, painfully close to Lauren.
"But this isn't about sex?" She asked.
"No." Bo shook her head. "But maybe yes." She smiled.
"As long as we're clear." Lauren smirked and reached into the cabinet behind Bo for a container of coffee. She measured three scoops and filled it with water before walking to the sofa and settling into a corner. Bo followed, sitting across from her as she tried to calm the worry in her head and the ache in her chest. Spending time with Lauren, however inauspicious as the reality had been, had reminded Bo of what she missed. The banter, the flirting, the real possibility that something might happen between them... It was all so fresh again. And then she went and kissed a high schooler.
"I blew it, didn't I?" Bo blurted.
"No, Bo, you were just…" Lauren sighed. "You were just keeping him busy your way."
"Lauren, you gotta know, that meant nothing."
"Of course, I know that, Bo. It's just hard to watch."
Bo closed her eyes. "Shit. Lauren, I know this is going to sound like a line, but I've come to a crossroads in my life."
"You're right, that does sound like a line."
"You deserve to hear the truth, not some greeting card bullshit." She took a deep breath and held it. "Lauren, I want you back," came out in a whoosh of air. She tried to read her expression, to gauge her emotions but as Lauren sat across from her and chewed her lip, Bo had absolutely no idea where she stood with her.
"Bo." She cocked her head sympathetically. Things had taken a turn, Bo swallowed. "I love you, I will always love you, but nothing has changed-"
"Look around, everything has changed."
"Except you." Bo's heart dropped. The truth in her words stung but not so much as the hand on her thigh.
"Ouch," she said.
"I don't want to hurt you, Bo. I just think we've tried it all. Maybe it's best to let it be."
"I have given this a lot of thought and I know what you need now." Lauren moved to interrupt but instead sank deeper into the couch. "And I know I was selfish and unfocused, even unfaithful, but Lauren you have to give me another chance."
"You did your best; we both did." They sat in contemplative silence, an arm's length away from one another and an imaginary brick wall filled in the gap.
"Love," she said, reaching out for Lauren's hand. "That's what you need." Their eyes connected, each meeting the other's gaze with tenacity. "You need to know you're different from the others."
"And what do you need, Bo?"
"I need you." Bo leaned across the chasm and gently kissed her. It was a delicate press of lips, a test for them both.
Stars sparkled in her eyes when she looked at Bo as they parted, but her smile faded and Lauren shook her off with some difficulty. And then the words that made Bo understand just how dead in the water she was with Lauren. "It's late."
It was over. "I should go." Bo was conceding.
Lauren's hand gripped her wrist as Bo stood and she was taken back to their first time together. The tentativeness, the innocence, Lauren's eventual boldness then and now. "Please stay…" She said.
"I thought we weren't gonna do that?"
Lauren smirked and, standing, pulled Bo along by her hand to her bedroom where she was once again bombarded by her scents. She inhaled deeply and tried to rein in the excitement of things to come. Lauren backed away from her and began to undress. It was a hard fought war to keep her hands to herself as Lauren stepped out of her jeans. She was enticing Bo, tousling her hair as she pulled her sweater over her head but Bo would stay strong. She could show Lauren there was more to her than the giant sex bomb that she knew formerly.
Bo was eagerly awaiting Lauren removing the remainder of her clothing when she pulled back the duvet and crawled into bed. Stripped down to her matching lingerie, Bo may have been a bit eager in retrospect but that didn't stop her from climbing into bed behind Lauren. The sheets were cool, the silky brushed cotton a delight. Scooting closer to her, Bo was scorched by her skin as she wrapped Lauren up in her arms. Studying the side of her face, Bo memorized every eyelash and freckle before she let herself lay her head on Lauren's pillow. Lauren hummed as Bo inhaled her hair, unable to resist pulling it aside and kissing her neck.
"I missed you." It was the last thing that Lauren said to her before drifting off to sleep, whispered so quietly that Bo almost didn't hear her.
Hours had passed since Bo crawled into bed with her human doctor. It had been a fitful sleep. Bo, who didn't require much sleep was restless, pinned beneath Lauren for most of the morning as she slept with her head on Bo's chest. The big question was, when would she wake? Bo started making bets with herself, every fifteen minutes or so she'd bet herself something delicious and winsome. If she wakes up by two, I'll kiss her. If she wakes up by two fifteen we'll hit that diner by the highway for breakfast. If she wakes up by three we'll stay in bed all day.
Did Lauren used to sleep this much? Bo couldn't remember. She bet again and, eyes smiling, she checked the clock. Ah, what the hell, all bets were off. She held Lauren's hand in her palm, lifting each finger and letting them drop one by one. She turned it over and pressed her lips against Lauren's inner wrist. She smelled of that expensive soap-the only soap she could ever remember Lauren using-and her pulse beat against Bo's mouth. Covering Lauren's hand, fingers threading overtop of hers, Bo held it against her breast and began to feel overwhelmed by what was happening.
She still had no idea what to expect when Lauren woke. Was this a test? Was she passing it? If she thought Lauren was a mystery before, the new, free Lauren was proving particularly wily. Bo had missed her evolution, too wrapped up with Rainer and that damn train to notice. Bo had grown too, maybe not as dramatically as Lauren, but she had grown enough to know that she needed her and up till now the only person Bo ever needed was Kenzi.
Lauren inhaled deeply, halting all thought. Bo checked the clock: two fifty-eight. She grinned. A betting woman might just let it ride, but Bo was about to play her hand. She brushed Lauren's hair away from her face and kissed her hairline. It was a rare treat to watch Lauren come alive and though before Bo might've been inattentive at times, she wasn't missing a beat now. Another deep breath, a sweet little grunt that Bo couldn't replicate even if she tried, and a stretch that vibrated through Bo's body, too.
Sitting up, Lauren braced herself on Bo's stomach, her other hand still entangled with Bo's. A smile dawned on her face when she realized why she couldn't free her hand. She cleared her throat. "Hi."
"Hey," Bo said, morning gravel still coloring her voice.
"You're still here."
"If you wanted me to leave, you have a funny way of showing it."
Lauren smiled sheepishly. "Have you been up long?"
Bo had only slept a few hours, but she'd never tell Lauren she spent the rest of the time studying her form. Instead she shook her head. "A bit," she said.
Lauren nodded and looked down at her hands in her lap. The room was charged with anxiety, awkwardness, and fear of the unknown and the women fell back into old patterns. Lauren's was to escape. "I should make some coffee." Before Bo could interject, Lauren threw back the covers and climbed out of bed. Bo's, however, was simply holding on for the ride. She wanted so much for this to mean they were back together, that the break was over and that they could move forward together. She watched as Lauren pulled a terrycloth robe off the hook on the back of the bedroom door and cinched it around her waist. She tossed her hair over her shoulder and looked back at Bo. "I'll be right back."
"Okay," she said, her mouth suddenly dry. When Lauren disappeared out of the door, Bo covered her face with her hands and exhaled. "Shit." She spotted her clothes on the bureau and weighed her options. Stay and have an honest conversation with Lauren, maybe some sex, or leave, spend another weekend at the Dal drinking and fucking strangers, wishing all the while that she was with Lauren. Seemed like an easy decision on the surface but Bo felt legitimately conflicted. Everything was about to change and fighting for Lauren or running away from her feelings for Lauren both had merit.
On one hand, Bo loved her-really loved her-and the more she thought about it the more Bo wanted to spend the rest of Lauren's life with her, but one thing gave her pause. They only ever seemed to hurt each other and Bo was guilty of doing it intentionally, spitefully and Bo knew that she didn't want to be that person anymore.
On the other hand, Bo was going to have to face up to what constituted the truth and be real, at last. The real problem with that option was that she wasn't prepared for Lauren's truth. There was the possibility that she still couldn't stomach Bo with other people and, unfortunately Bo still didn't see any way around that problem.
Bo stepped out of bed and into the other robe that hung off the back of the door. She considered why Lauren had two robes. If this was for Bo or perhaps a revolving door of women that Bo knew nothing about. Bo wouldn't let herself believe that. She couldn't share her despite expecting her to live with sharing Bo. A truth that exposed the biggest foe of their relationship: Bo, herself.
Sure, Lauren had lied or had kept things from Bo that had hurt her, but Bo had gone above and beyond that, continuing to play both sides against the middle with Dyson and Lauren for much longer than anyone truly believed Dyson was still a player in this game. She was so sure her destiny didn't include a human, that she carried on and absurd relationship with a stranger on a train. It was romantic in the beginning, a fantasy indulged, but it had hurt Lauren immeasurably.
Taking a deep breath, Bo padded out to the kitchen where Lauren emptied the forgotten coffee from the night before down the sink and refilled the coffee machine with water. "Oh," she said. "You didn't have to get up I was just-"
"I know." Bo smiled.
She dried her hands on a towel before flipping a switch on the coffee maker. "It'll be a few minutes," Lauren said. "Sit with me?"
"Sure." She found herself replying before she had even thought it through.
The overstuffed sofa enveloped her as Lauren teetered on the edge of the cushion to avoid being swallowed, too. "To tell you the truth, I thought you'd be heading out the minute I left you alone with your clothes."
Bo laughed and then frowned. "Hey." She turned to Lauren. "Was I really that bad?"
Lauren tried her best to be diplomatic but when she couldn't even muster a few false words, Bo knew she must've been something else.
And she couldn't pretend that she didn't feel the sexual tension between them or that Lauren had been watching her when she thought Bo wasn't paying attention. It was excruciating to want someone so much and to stand behind obstacle after obstacle that's been dropped in her way. But Bo had broken the chains, she had freed herself of many of these troubles but the last one she found was no stranger either.
"Lauren," she said. "I'm so relieved to finally get to talk to you." Lauren smiled, but said nothing. "I, uh, have been thinking about you a lot. Lauren, I wanted to call you but I needed to see you in person.
"I'm not sure how much there is to talk about…"
"How can you know that?"
"I know where we left off."
"Will I still need to feed? Sure. But ever since my Dawning-I can't explain it-I can squash the hunger and put it off if I need to."
"But you'll still have to feed."
Bo leaned forward. "I have wanted you for a day and a half and we're both okay…"
Her breath caught in her throat as Bo hovered above her. "I don't want to lead you on."
"You won't."
"Are you…" Bo dipped her head and stole a kiss from her. "…sure?"
"I could not be more sure," Bo breathed.
"Then tell me what you wanted to tell me." Lauren said, her mouth coming close to Bo's again.
It was at that moment that Bo realized that she was a sadist. Bo was sure she was running her own experiment on Bo now that she knew about the enhanced control. All she knew was that her desire was full to brimming and she didn't feel compelled to put on a clinic for the doctor but Bo knew she couldn't leave Lauren's apartment without making peace with her.
Bo groaned softly, her head falling back before nodding and pulling away. Bo sat back, eyes scanning Lauren's face for recognition of what she had asked of her. Outside, the rain had started again, perpetually pelting the building and its windows. Bo cinched her robe tighter around her as if fighting off a chill from the rain.
"Okay, well for starters I love you."
"Starters? You're starting with that?"
"It's obvious isn't it?"
Lauren waffled. "Truthfully, I never really know where I stand with you, Bo. One minute you're with me and the next you're flitting off with Dyson or Tamsin or someone you picked up along the way."
"It wouldn't be like that anymore."
"How can you promise that? You don't know when you'll need to heal."
"Healing is different. Being with you, Lauren…" Bo reached for her hand and covered it. "…it's more than that. You can feel it, I know you can." Lauren looked down at their hands entwined. "Okay," she tried a different tactic. "You said you missed me last night."
"I miss a lot of things that weren't good for me."
"Do you love me?" Bo's eyes pleaded with her, not for a lie, but the truth. She watched the emotions parade through her expression. There was no confusing how Lauren really felt despite her own outward indecision in expressing it. Bo finally understood.
Lauren exhaled. "You know I do."
"Things will be different between us, Lauren." Bo clambered to her knees and crawled closer, her breath blowing softly across Lauren's skin when she leaned forward and kissed her face. "Let me show you how different it can be." Bo whispered against her cheek, her hand coming to rest on the opposite side of her neck.
Lauren closed her eyes. "What if I am okay with it being the same?"
Bo straightened. "But I thought-"
Lauren shook her head. "I can make my peace with the feeds and most everything else."
"Lauren-"
"I'm just tired of trying so hard to stay a part of your life." She sighed.
Bo backed away and sunk into the couch. "I never meant to hurt you. I just thought you were better off without me."
"How?"
"Because you have a plan, Lauren. You've always had a plan. Even when you were a ward of the Ash, you had a five-year plan."
"It's easy to have plans when you can't enact any part of them." Lauren dropped her chin to her chest and worried her fingernail. "I was always going to be a slave. Until you…"
"That's not true, you did this."
"You gave me back the piece that they stole first: my confidence."
Bo always thought the doctor's quiet way was all her own, but she realized why Lauren was so different now. She was as she was meant to be. "Welcome back."
Lauren looked down the couch at Bo, her terrycloth robe coming apart at her breast as she sat reflecting on the situation they had found themselves in. Bo had spent time trying to reprogram for Lauren, to undo all the things she had done in their last go 'round only to have Lauren accept her for who and what she is. Talk about auspicious beginnings, even if they came in the seventh inning stretch.
She let Lauren come to her, eyes connecting from across the length of the sofa first and a few minutes later, she scooted closer until she was enticing Bo to kiss her. Fingers tangled in Bo's dark locks, Lauren's hands pulled her closer, close enough that she could cover Bo's mouth with her own. It was uncanny how the kiss reminded her of that night at the Dark Archives, just before everything went to Hel and for the life of her, she couldn't understand how she had ever stopped kissing her.
The kiss was like spots on a zebra; the spots made no difference to the zebra but there were obvious differences to everyone else. Her tentative kiss became explorative, starting innocently enough, but it quickly erupted into a firestorm of desire. The look in Lauren's eyes when she tugged the top of Bo's robe open and unknotted the sash at her waist set the tone.
She was swept up and pulled under. With each kiss, Lauren became less of a memory, solidifying herself in the present. And when Lauren kissed her hard, her hands coming to rest on either side of her face, Bo came undone. She was on top of Bo now, obviously weighed down by her bulky terrycloth robe but as she leaned back to take it off, Bo put her hands up to stop her.
"Lauren, wait." Her voice was clouded over, muddled with desire, and she held Lauren's wrists at her sides.
"What is it?"
"Let me." Bo stood and, taking Lauren's hand, led her to the bedroom and sat her on the edge of the bed. Bo stood there, bared in her lingerie. She would be lying if she said the matching bra and panties she wore were an accident. Lauren had been right: it was a booty call. She pushed the robe off Lauren's shoulders, hands continuing their trek from her shoulders to the tips of her fingers. She smiled, a smile that she felt wrenching at her insides. Bo never felt awkward or anxious when she had anonymous sex but when she was with Lauren, her blood crackled with electricity and Bo found that the more her blood rushed, the more her heart ached, and the more vulnerable she became. Bo felt her so acutely that every move she made resonated within her. It was one thing to tread the line of life and death with a feed, it was another to hold back draining the person she loved when her defenses were down.
Bo remembered to breathe when her hands began to shake as they peeled away her camisole. Discarding it, she pulled Lauren to her feet, carefully touching her face. There was beauty and then there was Lauren. Lauren possessed a ethereal beauty and Bo was entranced by it-but more than that-Bo had been drawn into her lair and she never wanted to leave. Because being with Lauren was the closest thing she had ever felt like home.
Bo touched her tenderly, something she did often when they had been together, but now as she became reacquainted with Lauren, it seemed to be that much more important. As easy as it would have been to tear off the lingerie Lauren was wearing, Bo knew the key to Lauren's heart was not frenetic romps beneath the sheets, it was affection, plain and simple. Bo had plenty to convey to Lauren and though her words failed her more often than not, Bo was a master at expressing herself with her body. Confident and self-assured, sex is her weapon and love? Love was not her downfall. Love was her destiny.
Bo lowered the straps to Lauren's bra, reaching around her to unhook it. And destiny was glorious, Bo mused with her hands full. When her panties fell to the floor, Bo unfastened her own bra and shimmied out of her bottoms. Bo hugged her then, a desperate grapple of loss and longing, skin afire and a connection unlike anything Bo knew. But of all things she did know, it was the only thing that was true.
Moving against her, over her, Bo felt at peace despite the roar of blood in her veins and the pounding in her chest. She was overwhelmed by Lauren and for the life of her, Bo wondered how it could have taken so long to decide she wanted to be with her. Lauren's fingers were in her hair, her sweet, soft moans blew into her ear, lips kissing her earlobe. "Bo," she breathed. "Let me." Within moments of Lauren's plea, she had flipped Bo onto her back and had taken control and it became apparent that Lauren had missed Bo as much as Bo had missed Lauren.
She felt her love quadrupling as she watched Lauren move over her. So sure of herself was she that she could ask a succubus for the reins during sex and Bo never had that before, not with a woman. She luxuriated in the way Lauren touched her. Gone were the cold, clinical hands, and in their place the strong hands of an experienced lover. And she brought about things in Bo with those hands thought long dormant or lost altogether and Bo realized how much time she had wasted.
The thing about it was, Lauren was the only person that had ever made love to Bo. She touched her with reverence where others coveted and signed over her heart and soul with every caress and kiss. Bo hadn't ever felt more cared for than when she was in Lauren's arms. It was during these moments of serenity that Bo realized how much noise there was in her life.
Lauren moved against her slowly and Bo was coming undone. Biting her bottom lip, she moved her hips at an excruciating pace.
"Don't get me wrong… I love what you're doing, but if I can be frank-frank's a thing, right?-The suspense is killing me."
Lauren laughed, "We can't have that, now can we?" Lauren's husky voice full of mirth and sex made her tremble with want.
What came next was a feat of precision, talent, and God-given ingenuity. Her hips moved with a desperate authority, hugging Bo to her chest as they rocked together. In such an intimate pose, their connection was transcendent. Bo had always loved her on some level and hiding in the light of midday, awash in her scent, Bo found how easy it was to love her more than that she first thought possible. The rhythm Lauren kept enticed her, kept her guessing and sealed her fate. She was bonded to her and there was no denying it now: Bo had lost her heart to Lauren.
As their bodies cooled and breath returned, Bo was more sure than ever that Lauren wanted her back for good. But Lauren had grown quiet, something Bo knew she was infamous for.
"Where'd you go?"
"Somewhere life is simpler and answers come easy." Her smile was soft and sympathetic and Bo felt it in her gut.
"Is that some kind of utopia?" She said more serious than joking.
"Yes, I think it is."
Bo kissed her shoulder. "Have you come to any conclusions?"
"Just one."
"Are you gonna share?"
Her finger traced Bo's collarbone. "I've missed you."
Bo's heart felt like it was in a vice grip. She knew that Lauren was about to deliver the final blow and Bo was not ready for it. She sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed. "I should get going." She cautioned a glance over her shoulder and found Lauren's shocked expression. Standing, she gathered her clothes into a pile and began to dress hurriedly at the foot of the bed. Lauren sat up, holding the sheet against her breast. "Bo, wait."
Bo shimmied into her skin tight pants. "Lauren, you know, you and me were doomed from the start." She pulled her top over her head. "I'm just glad I got to say goodbye." She smiled and zipped up her boot.
"Bo…" Her tone was haunting.
"It's okay, I understand. You're human and I'm-"
"Stay with me, Bo. I have some time off coming to me and I want to spend it with you."
"I'm sorry I can't be your booty call."
"I think you've misunderstood." Lauren climbed out of bed, still wrapped in a sheet and walked to Bo. She placed a hand on Bo's cheek. "Please stay with me, Bo. We'll go out of town for a few days and after…" Bo hung on her every word, and what she would say next had the power to change everything. "We try again."
Bo held her breath, as if she expected a caveat but none came. She looked into Lauren's eyes and she began to believe that they could work beyond any fantasy or expectation. Her heart was so full that she was having a hard time believing that the rug wasn't going to be pulled out from under her at any moment. And then Lauren kissed her and every doubt she had dried up, every dream she had was bolstered. As their lips parted, the smile that illuminated Lauren's face made everything okay. Gone were her doubts and fears and in their place were grace and acceptance. "I'd like that." Bo knew from experience that a love like theirs didn't fade over time but they still had to guard against misunderstandings. She couldn't believe that they had both finally arrived at the same place in their relationship at the same time. The confluence of their bodies was enough to make Bo shiver as she recalled their afternoon romp.
Lauren took her hand. "Come back to bed."
Her touch was warm, her eyes kind and Bo knew the fire in her belly matched the one in Lauren's. There was so much that Bo still didn't understand about Lauren but she was learning to trust her instincts. More importantly, she was learning to trust Lauren, too. Bo kicked off her boots as Lauren crawled under the duvet. She undressed quietly as Lauren watched, captivated. She held the doctor's attention in such a way that made her feel more beautiful than any succubus had a right to and Bo would be lying if she said she wasn't craving Lauren again. Still. Because the reality of it was, Bo had never stopped wanting Lauren. She had struggled against the idea of soul mates because the fates were so cruel to have led her to Lauren only to limit the time they have together when they have already squandered so much of it.
Bo slipped into bed quickly, the chill outside starting to seep into the apartment. Laying back on the fine down-filled pillows, she covered her nakedness up with a corner of Lauren's sheet and propped her head up with a hand.
Lauren looked up at her, a smirk playing on her lips. "Wouldn't be my booty call," she said.
Bo grinned, almost shyly looking towards the sheets. "I would totally be your booty call."
Bo sighed happily. She wasn't used to feeling so full of life or love so when Lauren moved closer and whispered: "Uh huh," the low hum of her voice sending chills down Bo's spine. She wet her lips and inched closer.
Bo sucked in a breath. "Lauren, I need to know-"
She pressed a pair of fingers against Bo's lips. "I love you, Bo. That's it. That's all I have offer."
She closed her eyes as relief washed over her in waves. They had finally made it. "That's all I need."
"In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours. In all the world, there is no love for you like mine." | Maya Angelou
Fin.