Buffy Big Brother

by Larbo

First posted in the MSN Group Buffy The Vampire Slayer & Angel, this tongueincheek adaptation of our fav TV show mixed with the reality TV behemoth proved popular. A collaborative effort, so be prepared for changing writing styles throughout!

Buffy Big Brother - Week 1 - Overview:

As part of a mysterious plan, an entity known only as 'Big Brother' visits eight of Sunnydale's residents late one night, and offers them the chance to have their most ardent fantasies be made reality, if they agree to take part in a social experiment governed by spells which prevent them from using their usual brand of extreme violence to resolve their issues. Given demonstrations of the power of 'Big Brother', all 8 agree and are transported to what seems to be a normal house. Told that their every move will be recorded and watched by an unidentified public (humans, vampires, otherwise or both) the 8 very different housemates settle in.

After all, it's only a gameshow...isn't it?

Overview: Housemate Profiles

Buffy: the 16-year-old newbie Slayer, shy and a little awed by her new responsibilities.

Willow: the nerdy wallflower, terrified by mostly everything

Xander: deeply in lust with Buffy and the object of Willow's (unreturned) affections, despises Cordelia

Cordelia: bitch-queen from hell, loathes Buffy

Harmony: Cordelia's only real ally in the BBB house, a popular-girl blondie sycophant

Angel: mysterious, dark guy with an unknown past, lusted after by Cordelia, has eyes only for Buffy

Giles: stuffy English watcher, dismayed by the reluctance of his Slayer to forget about her friends and social life

The Master: ancient vampire king, desperate for world domination

Buffy Big Brother - Week 1 - Day 1

The 4 girls - Buffy, Cordelia, Harmony & Willow - settle in comparatively quickly. Cordelia pokes fun at the fact that Willow has brought her "mostly recovered" childhood Barbie to sleep with. Xander complains that, since the next-to-youngest man he's sharing a room with is almost 40 and the rest were around before the Industrial Revolution, this might restrict the stereo volume a little.

The group is instructed that to earn their weekly food & plasma budget they must each design one-eighth of a group mural along one of the walls of the BBB house. The Master suggests a "Death To Puny Humans & Fiery Armaggeddon" motif. The group eventually settles on horses.

Later that night Big Brother springs a surprise by announcing that it is Angel's birthday. A party is thrown. Willow is convinced by Buffy to come out of her room and join in the fun. Cordelia corners Angel in the kitchen and offers to bring him "bang up-to-date" on the twentieth century. Hearing this, Xander makes a comment. It takes Buffy, Angel and The Master to drag Cordelia off Xander. Wiping blood from his lip, he suggests a career in foxy boxing after highschool. Willow slinks back to her room.

The Master is called to the Diary Room:

"Good evening, Heinrich."

"It's The Master to you, you snivelling pathetic human."

"We've noticed you haven't been participating in group discussions."

"My apologies. I seem to keep drifting off into these quite delicious fantasies where I shake off this damn charm you've cast on me and kill them all slowly, over the course of several months."

"Did you draw that skeletal horse?"

(silence)

"Yes."

"Heinrich you're being given an official warning. One more of these and we'll put you back into that sunken crypt again, understand?"

"You don't intimidate me! How dare you! I have walked this Earth bringing death and destruction since the Dark Ages! And you dare to threaten me?! You will soon disc - "

"Do you want to go back to the crypt, Heinrich?"

(another silence)

"I'll rub out the horse."

"Good."

"But I am not letting Xander Harris play that damn music."

Buffy Big Brother - Week 1- Day 2

The housemates are still adjusting to life in the Big Brother House - Buffy, Xander, Willow and Giles are all upset that Angel and The Master are not visable in any of the strategically placed mirrors covering the house and so can sneak up on any "private" conversations (thus far limited to Cordelia & Harmony taking the mick out of Willows "fashionally misjudged" wardobe options, Buffy and Willow debating the relevant Hottie potential of the men in the house and The Master trying to convince Angel that his plans for world domination through the use of mass mind control and Reality TV will work).

The spirits of the group however are lifted when Big Brother invites them out into the Garden where there a suprise awaits... the housemates are now responsible for 6 shiny new clucking chickens. Cordelia and Harmony refuse to set foot in the Chicken Coop for fear of ruining their Jimmy Choo shoes. The Master falls upon one of the chickens and rips its throat out. The other chickens panic, as do the assembled housemates, the coop door is left open chickens escape into the garden and, in their distress, they deposit little packages of chicken waste unhappiness all over Cordelia's beloved shoes.

Cordelia is both disgusted and distraught by this turn of events and takes herself off to the Big Brother Diary Room where she is inconsolable for the best part of three hours at the loss of her "almost 2nd favourite pair of daytime shoes and associated ensemble" that she will never again be able to wear.

Big Brother has to issue another warning to The Master who claimed that upon seeing the chickens had decided it was Big Brothers way of introducing an alternative food supply for himself and Angel - well either that or a housewarming gift to make up for having to rub out his skeletal horse.

Later on and unbeknownst to each other Angel and Xander are using the Big Brother mirrors to spy on a semi-naked Buffy in the bedroom.

Day 2 (later on...)

Giles goes to the diary room.

Big Brother: Hello Giles

Giles: "Err...yes...hello Big Brother" (slight sarcasm in voice)
(pause)

Big Brother: "What would you like to talk about Giles?"

Giles: (Knots fingers together stressed). I feel we need an additional bathroom 'Big Brother'. I've been waiting to get into it for the past 5 hours and it really is intolerable."

(Pause)

Big Brother: "Big brother has noted your complaint and will get back to you."

Giles: "Well you'd better hurry up or we'll all be sorry"
(Cuts away to inside the bathroom)

Harmony: "Do you think this nail varnish is a little too Callista for me?"

Cordy: "Oh no! It's totally Evangelista"

Buffy Big Brother - Week 1 - Day 3

After repeated requests, Angel is finally granted a bed on the windowless side of the room. Knowing that the food budget task will be assessed that night, the group debate how to spend what they'll get. Xander votes for a binge on hot pockets and ho ho's. Giles' suggestion that they sample some English cuisine is quickly abandoned, with the exception of black pudding, to which The Master takes a shine.

Buffy is getting fed up with Big Brother constantly piping in annoying Sarah McLachlan songs whenever she and Angel pass each other in the corridors. Big Brother agrees to stop this, but only - in a blatant move for more viewers - if Buffy and Angel agree to team up for tonight's theme: coupled candlelit dinners. Angel's brow (which the group use to keep the rain off their feet while they tend the chickens) furrows at this, but eventually they agree.

The Buffy / Angel dinner goes comparitively well. The remainder of the pairings, however, have less success. Giles discovers, not altogether surprisingly, that he and Harmony have little in common; she seems to be under the impression that Brahms is a colleague of Tommy Hilfiger, and that British culture began and ended not with the Saxons but with The Benny Hill Show. Likewise her attempts to engage him in the finer points of cheerleading culture and James Spader's forearms is not a roaring success. "My dear," Giles comments eventually, "there is less air in that soufflé than there currently resides between your ears."

Xander and Cordelia's meal begins in calculated silence. Under the impression that Angel would be her eating partner, Cordelia has adorned herself in a low-cut emerald gown. Eventually Xander's "you look like you should be standing on the corner of Leprechaun Docks" comment begins the fireworks show anew. Cordelia eventually settles for slowly and luxuriously sucking the cream from a coconut finger bun, a tactic which succeeds in limiting Xander's vocal output to small and occasional mewling noises. Upon her leaving the table he chooses, for some reason, not to stand in a gentlemanly fashion.

Compared to this, Willow and The Master have quite a pleasant meal:

"So...how's that whole...world-dominationy thing workin out for ya?"

"Fine. How are you enjoying being a pathetic excuse for a human being and the endless butt of jokes for those around you with an iota of social standing?"

(shrugs) "It's not so bad! Um...do you want my black pud - "

"Yes! Yes I do!"

Angel is called to the Diary Room:

"Good evening Angel."

"Hey. Something up?"

"No - your habit of walking about barechested and all that fruity Tai Chi stuff is really pulling in the young female viewers."

"Um...good?"

"We were just wondering if you could be a little less..."

"Less...?"

"Well don't get us wrong, we love the whole dark and mysterious thing - but could you be a little less...taciturn?"

(pause)

"No."

"Oh come on. A few monologues in here. A long speech about what - or who - you hope to get out of this experience..."

"Who?"

"We'll start piping in that Sarah McLachlan music again if you don't."

"All right! All right!"

"Thank you."

"You cruel bastards..."

Buffy Big Brother - Week 1 - Day 4

Its been a slow day in the Big Brother house - nominations are due to start today for the first end of week eviction and most of the housemates appear to be nervous - with the exception of Cordelia who can't contemplate the idea of anyone wanting her to leave - "as if that would happen- except mayby in some bizarro world where fashion from Sears is considered... well fashionable" she has been heard to tell anyone who will listen.

One by one the housemates are called into the Diary Room to give their nominations and reasons to Big Brother.

Good Morning Angel - how are you feeling today?

"Ummm - Fine, specially now you've stopped piping in the Sarah McLachlan, that was really annoying... say you don't happen to have any other music, something uplifting ...say... Barry Manilow do you?"

I'm sorry Angel Big Brother doesn't take musical requests - not that Big Brother would consider Manilow music.

"Oh"

So Angel, do you have your nominations and reasons ready for us

"Ummm yeah I suppose so - it's kinda hard cause we don't know each other that well yet"

So who do you nominate and why?

"My first nomination is going to be...Xander, mainly cause he's kinda loud, eats potato chips in bed every night, he has this Barbie doll from somewhere that he's hidden under his pillow and talks to before he goes to sleep, he keeps calling me Dead Boy over and over... (leans in towards the mirror).. and I think he's using the mirrors to spy on the girls.. like.. Buffy"

And your second nomination will be?

"Cordelia"

Why Cordelia?

"She scares me more than any other monsters or demons i've ever dealt with"

Thank you Angel... please return to the living room and send in Buffy.

The housemates go into the Diary Room one by one to give their nomination and reasons.

Buffy nominates Cordelia and Harmony, her reason being there would be a much shorter wait for the bathroom, more closet space for her clothes and "generally more of a happy 'tude to the group thats left,,,(plus Harmony keeps on pinching all the choc chip double cookies that they bought with their food budget)"

Cordelia tries to nominate everyone in the house other than herself and Angel figuring that less is more when it comes to competition for Angels affections. When pointed out by Big Brother that she can only nominate two people settles on Willow - as "why should the poor public have to be subjected to the fashion mistakes of a cabbage patch wannabe... i mean c'mon plaid with striped tights.. for the love of all thats good in a Calvin Klein universe", and The Master "because anyone with that skin tone and time ravaged face should be let out so that he can have an emergency facial at the Sunnydale Spa"

Giles nominates The Master "he keeps looking at my neck like it was one of the chickens" and Harmony "I'm scared her black hole of a brain will eventually suck all cognitive reasoning from the house - and she didn't like my tie at dinner last night"

Harmony votes for Xander and Willow "not sure why but they were the first people I saw this morning and i'm pretty sure i can't be subjected to that sight before noon again without tossing cookies"

Heinrich (or The Master as he instists on being addressed as) votes for Buffy "She is The Slayer, my nemesis, my greatest foe... and she looks like she could do some damage with those chopstick thingies she uses in her hair" and Xander "he sleeps with some kind of craven image... it could be a voodoo doll, yes.. that boy worries me most of all"

Willow is shaking and has to be calmed down before she can make her nominations, it seems that she is upset someone stole her Barbie doll, (she has barely recovered from the last time it happened) she nominates Cordelia and Harmony because "what have the rest of the housemates or the chickens ever done to her"

Xander nominates Angel and Harmony the first "Cause he looks at Buffy like she's his own little smorgasboard of sweet, luscious chocolate goodies that he just can't wait to sink his teeth into and the latter "well it's obvious you can see just by looking at her she's a hair puller, if it comes down to a fight in here, you just know she's gonna go for the hair"

The first nominations are over and the results stand as such:-

Angel - 1 vote

Buffy - 1 vote

Cordelia - 3 votes

Giles - 0 votes

Harmony - 4 votes

Heinrich - 2 votes

Willow - 2 votes

Xander - 3 votes

Buffy Big Brother - Week 1 - Day 5

Xander comforts Willow over the stress caused by his nomination. Willow confesses that, on top of her losing her favourite doll, she's finding it hard to cope. Xander hugs her, looking guilty, and reassures her that it will probably turn up soon. Cordelia, walking in on this tearful breakfast scene, suggests that if "the girl that boyfriends forgot" is feeling the pace she should volunteer to leave the BBB house.

Angel, after complaining to Big Brother that on the past three mornings either Cordelia or Harmony have found increasingly feeble excuses to be there around the time he emerges from the shower (Harmony's last bug-eyed excuse was "I wanted to see...if I could borrow some...see you naked...cream.") is strangely forgiving when Buffy very accidentally stumbles into the male bedroom. The Master complains about raging teenage hormones - "things were so much simpler when they just died of plague" - while Xander makes a snide comment about vampires getting blood effectively to all their bodyparts. Giles wonders where his extra-fluffy pillow went.

The group's horse-mural task is completed, belatedly. Angel's eighth is a true work of art. Worthy of praise also is Cordelia's, who based hers on her own precious steed - "why can't I have him here? God knows he smells better than pumpkin face". Buffy offers encouraging platitudes to Giles, whose job painting the head has left the Master quite satisfied that they've got their demon horse after all.

Big Brother judges the task a success and gives the group $400 to spend. Cordelia is outraged at this paltry sum - "when we take out the personal shopper's cut, we'll be left with green beans and Tang!" During much argument about the destination of the budget, Giles spends half his share ordering six bottles of wine. After encouragement from Big Brother (which amounts to veiled comments to Angel about revealing his use of mirrors) Angel and the Master do likewise.

That evening the house splits into two - the younger members in the kitchen / living area and Giles, the Master and Angel in the male bedroom...

----

"Hang out with them?"

Cordelia glared at Harmony. "What else do you suggest? Look at me. My hair is perfection. My nails make lesser cuticles weep. If I can't go to the Bronze, and I can't pick the lock on that damn bedroom, it's my right - nay, duty - to show those losers what they're not. Namely, me."

Harmony shivered. "They scare me. I'm certain Xander Harris has, like, this total thing for you."

"He is but human," Cordelia shrugged easily. "And incidentally, eww."

----

"Well, Rupert old boy," the Master beamed, "you'll be able to go back to your muffin meetings in the old country and tell them you had a few drinks with two of the most feared vampires in history."

Giles seemed to mull over this. "I suppose you're right," he conceded. "I grew up hearing stories - legends, I thought them then - of your deeds across Europe."

"Great times!" the Master exclaimed, downing his glass. His tongue flicked out at the renewed red stain around his ancient mouth. A drop trickled slowly down his neck. "They knew how to have massacres back then. Isn't that so, Angelus?"

"My name is - "

The Master waved a hand. "Angel, I know. Not the same cocky young buck who stole my favourite from me so long ago." He regarded Angel for a moment. "I prefer the new you - spineless, ashamed, a miserable excuse for a vampire. Much better!"

Angel never moved, though Giles watched him intently. Not that it would have done him any good - Big Brother had been extremely vehement in the details of its sanctuary spell, which prohibited violence in any form. Except against chickens.

"I'll never be what I was."

"If you say so, my boy," the Master replied, still grinning. "That Buffy's quite a girl, isn't she..."

Giles frowned at the change of subject. "Yes she is. A little too faecitious and flippant, and certainly her way of speaking bears little or no resemblance to what we call English, but she's a diligent and talented young girl. And if you touch a hair on her head I'll see to it that you're put back in Hell where you and your kind belong."

There was a moment's silence. "No offence," Giles added to Angel.

"Anyone want some black pudding?"

----

Willow's grin threatened to bisect her face. "Where did you find it?"

Xander leaned in conspiratorially. "Our room. I don't wanna point the finger, but I am sharing with a guy who wants to end the world."

"Barbies and fluffy pillows. Evil." Buffy stated with an air of finality.

"Speaking of evil..." Xander groaned, looking past their shoulders.

Cordelia draped herself over a spare sofa. "Don't start with me, Harris. I've got a coconut finger and I'm not afraid to use it. I see little miss Band-Aid has her toy back. All's well in losertown."

"Some special reason why you're choosing to make our particular faucets run with blood, Cordelia?" Buffy asked.

"Same reason as you," Cordelia said disgustedly, inclining her head toward the locked bedroom. "I didn't get an invite out of the playpen."

"I really, really think they have better things to talk about than you."

----

"Cordelia," the Master said firmly. "This spell goes down, definitely Cordelia first. If only to make her shut up."

"I'd call you a monster," Giles said, pouring another glass, "but after yesterday's truly epic stay in the bathroom...I think George XI was on the throne before she went in there."

"Nice rack though."

They stopped and stared at Angel, who blushed, insofar as a vampire can. "What?" he said.

----

Later, Xander corners Cordelia in the kitchen and warns her to get off Willow's back. Cordelia again repeats her assertation that Willow should quit the house, only for Xander to grab her arm and remind her that everyone who matters to Willow is inside these walls. If Cordelia dares to make a joke from that, he warns her, he cannot vouch for the continuted whereabouts of certain articles of her clothing...

Not a drop of wine remains by the early hours of the morning. Buffy complains to Big Brother that the drunken renditions of "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" drifting across are making it hard for the others to sleep. When almost everyone is asleep, Buffy softly asks Xander why he took Willow's doll from her.

"I needed something...it reminded me of her, and her way of looking at the world. I don't expect you to understand, Buff."

"I think I might. Goodnight Xander."

"Buff?"

"Uh huh?"

"Do you sleep in the nude?"

"Goodnight Xander."

Day 5 (later on...)

The housemates - except Willow - are seated together in the lounge area discussing the nominations. They have not as yet heard the results.

Angel: "We should remember that it's only a game show. There's no reason to feel badly about the nominations"

Xander: "No hard feelings Angel. You can borrow my suitcase"

Giles: "It'll be a blessed relief to get out of here"

The Buffster: "oh...and also we shouldn't tell each other who we voted for. It'll only cause bad feelings"

Angel: "Agreed"

Cordy: "I voted for Willow and Xander"

Giles: "Of COURSE you did. We are sitting with a creature with the capacity for unspeakable evil and you vote for one of the intelligent sensible people in the room"

Xander: "Hey, Willow is VERY smart-and...
You-didn't -mean-me-did-you?"

Giles: "- No."

Master: "So you voted for me did you, Rupert Giles Watcher?"

Giles: "I was talking about Harmony."

(Willow enters from the boys bedroom holding Barbie)

"Xander. A Word."

(They go out. Xander is heard to say "What were you doing with my pillow anyway?)

(Cuts away to snippets from earlier in the day and night)

The master strolls about in the garden with a glass of 'O' humming Fangs for the memories.

Giles tries throwing an improvised grappling hook over the fence. Buffy, appearing from behind snatches it from him, wagging a finger and tut tutting. Giles hangs his head shamefaced. As she walks away he weeps in desperation.

Davina: "Tensions are growing amongst the house-mates. Little do they know that on the other side of their walls we observe their every move. and is Angel hot, or what??"

Angel (On the opposite side of the wall):
"I can hear you Davina"
Cordy: "It's time for strategy Harm"
(Harmony nods)
...

Buffy Big Brother - Week 1 - Day 6

Its day 6 in the Buffy Big Brother House, the housemates have all been called to the Living Room area to find out who's been nominated for eviction. Tensions are mounting as the gang contemplate life outside the Big Brother house.

Good Morning everyone - this is Big Brother

"Good Morning Big Brother" the housemates chorus, with the exception of the Master who has a hangover from the large amounts of wine consumed last night and Giles who also looks fragile but insists its down to Cordelia and Harmony, who yet again refuse to allow the possibility that people may need to use the bathroom for any other purpose than "intrinsic beauty rights the like of which hasn't been seen since the Elizabethan era when powder and perfumed wigs were all the rage".

The votes have been counted and the nominees for eviction are as follows:

Cordelia... Harmony and...Xander

Out of all the housemates only Cordelia seems unconcerned about the possibility of eviction - "face it when it comes to style, grace and all-round fashion originality I'm the 'chosen one'" (she sneers at Buffy) "I mean face it the viewing public, (she turns a million watt smile on one of the cameras fixed to the wall), know quality when they see it".

Harmony is unsure of what nomination means - "See you guys I knew I must be way popular for you to vote for me... gee thanks you guys" she runs round hugging them all, lingering a little too long over Angel, much to Buffy and Willows obvious disgust.

Xander is fairly quiet, he says he's thinking about what eviction would mean - leaving Buffy, Willow and strangely - Cordelias' not unimpressive talent of sucking a coconut cream finger dry in record breaking time.

The Master is also wondering why he wasn't voted out - "I'm the one person here with a capacity for unspeakable evil and they go for the bubble headed blonde and the fashion plate" Giles overhears this and says "your capacity for evil and perversion of the natural order may indeed be impressive - but for the love of god have you seen how much time those two spend in the bathroom?"

The group all disperse to other areas of the house - Buffy and Xander comfort Willow, who is more upset of Xanders possible eviction that if she had been nominated herself.

Giles and The Master wander into the kitchen to cook a meal that doesn't involve "chocolate, cereal or ho-ho's"

Angel wanders into a shaded area of the Garden to practice his Tai Chi where Cordelia and Harmony just happen to find him bare-chested - for once both are rendered speechless.

Buffy Big Brother - Week 1 - Day 7 (Part 1)

"Good morning, Master."

The Master reclined in the absurdly shaped - but strangely comfortable - Diary Room chair, staring balefully at the one-way mirror before him which, inaccurately, displayed an empty room. "Yes it's wonderful," he replied, "I had to run a gauntlet of sunlight merely to reach this room. The number of windows in this house is sickening." He ran a pallid finger along his fangs, teasing out a drop of blood and sucking on it. "What do you want? What game are we to play for your amusement? Would the viewing meatsacks love to see a vampire on a bouncy castle now?"

"No. I do not want that."

"A rodeo bull then," the Master suggested, his words dripping with malice. "Or some other such humil..." he trailed off slowly. There was something odd going on, something different.

"You have never referred to yourself as a single person before."

"Times have changed. Your public demands action."

"They'll get it soon enough from the puppy and the Slayer...my public?"

The mirror smashed. Standing behind it, his massive fist outstretched triumphantly through its former centre, a huge vampire stood grinning. Cradled in his right arm, a luckless technician lolled like a broken doll, still and lifeless.

"Luke..." the Master whispered, scarcely able to contain his glee.

His lieutenant bowed his head. "I apologise for the delay in finding you. This place is..." his lip curled, "...hidden well, and crawling with humans."

"Is the Sanctuary spell still in operation?" the Master demanded, his ancient eyes hungrily following each drop of blood trickling from the technician's neck.

"Yes. The house is the boundary, however."

"The house I cannot leave. One foot across its borders and I am transported back to the crypt; that much has been made clear to me."

"What shall I do?" Luke asked dutifully.

"Perform your function as vessel," the Master instructed. "Kill for me beyond the house. I shall absorb your power - it may be enough to weaken the Sanctuary spell."

Luke bowed again. "You will be free, Master, I swear it. This one," he indicated the technician, "I have turned, so as not to raise suspicion. She will assist us."

"Excellent, Luke. Go now - have fun. Chaos and death shall be your reward."

"Master?"

"What is it?" the Master replied, pausing before he exited the room.

"How did you know about the rodeo bull? They have one outside."

From the silence came the sound of fangs being ground. "Just go. Quickly."

Buffy Big Brother - Week 1 - Day 7 (Part 2)

"Mr Cluck." Xander repeated.

Willow adopted defence face. "What's wrong with Mr Cluck?"

"Apart from the rhyming possibilities?" Xander backed away as the chicken, which in its natural state was insane, made to rush him again, presumably with a view of pecking him to oblivion. "Will, the thing is the chicken equivalent of a sociopath. It has the most evil stare I've ever seen on a living thing. I just don't think Mr Cluck really cuts it."

Willow hugged her new pet tightly. "Don't you listen to nasty ole Xander, Mr Cluck," she cooed, "you're a lil' sweetie...yes you are..."

Xander watched in disbelief as Willow barely avoided losing an eye to Mr Cluck's darting beak. "He can walk in sunlight with all the other chickens, can't he?" he inquired.

Buffy, strolling up from the bedroom where she'd obviously just aroused herself from slumber, caught this last comment. "Vampire chickens?" she said, amused. "Maybe you should call him buk-buk-bukula, Will."

Willow hmphed disapprovingly, cradling Mr Cluck. "I'm going to put you back in your little home, away from all these grumpy humans," she said, and walked into the garden, casting a last haughty look back at her two friends as she left. Buffy and Xander exchanged a glance and a smile.

"She seems to be doing a lot better than a few days ago."

"I think not being nominated for eviction helped."

"Hey," Cordelia chimed in, reclined across the largest sofa the living area possessed with a green facepack smeared across her features, "I tried my best."

Buffy sighed. "Oh give it a rest, Swamp Thing."

"Breakfast on, anyone?" Giles inquired cheerfully as he strode in, just in time to head off Cordelia's inevitable reply.

"Your 42 scones are still safe, if that's what you mean," Xander told him, nodding his head to the highest cupboard. A large piece of paper emblazoned with RUPERT GILES was affixed to it.

"Where's Angel?" Cordelia asked brightly, sitting up and removing the twin spheres of cucumber from her eyes, lest she miss a glimpse of the man in question's usual half-naked morning meander.

"Hmm?" Giles replied absently, on tiptoes, "I think he said something about borrowing baby oil for a post-shower rubdown in the bathroom."

There were two brief whooshing noises behind him. Giles grinned.

"We owe you one, G-Man," Xander said, as the air of Cordelia and Harmony's passing subsided.

"You can repay me in full by not calling me G-Man."

"Gotcha."

"So...Angel's not really doing that...?" Buffy said. Xander and Giles noticed for the first time that she was, abruptly, halfway across the room.

"No."

"Oh."

A terrific commotion from the direction of the chicken coop announced Willow's return to the house. She gave her trademark nervous half-laugh. "Mr Cluck settling back in," she explained.

The Master emerged from the Diary Room, dropping the ambient temperature by a few degrees. He shielded his eyes in distaste at the sunlight spilling into the other side of the living area. Willow caught his look, grimaced apologetically, and drew the curtains.

"Thank you, dear," the Master said, inclining his head and making his way to the sofa Cordelia had just urgently vacated.

"Ow! Watch where you're going!" Xander yelped, holding his leg.

Things happened very quickly. The Master held up an innocent hand to apologise. Buffy was between he and Xander in a heartbeat, arms raised in a defensive posture. Giles' scones tumbled to the floor.

"Entirely my fault, I'm afraid," the Master said smoothly. "Now my girl, you know that fighting stance is pointless. No violence of any kind, remember? Doesn't that prove it's an accident?"

"I don't like accidents." Buffy replied, her words like ice.

"I tell you what, Xander," the Master went on, ignoring her, "when your time comes, I'll kill you quickly, by way of apology. I won't even bleed you, and I'll keep you alive for oh, only a few hours, tops. They might even be able to identify you afterward. How's that?"

Buffy's fist lashed out. There was a flash of light, and she was propelled backward into Xander. They crashed to the floor in a jumble of arms and legs.

The Master smiled. "I only wish I'd had a camera."

Buffy Big Brother - Week 1 - Day 7 (Part 3)

"Housemates, this is Big Brother. Please assemble in the living area for an annoucement."

Willow rejoiced at this news. Ever since the incident between Buffy and the Master an hour or so ago the tension had been palpable. She watched the vampire king enter the living area, and - had she imagined it? - cast a furtive glance at the door of the Diary Room. That probably warranted investigating, although not by her; it would mean Willow actually talking to the cameras, and that would be the greatest catastrophe in the history of humanity, bar none.

"As you all know, tonight is eviction night. During the event there will be a party, the theme of which is to be 'The Supernatural'."

"That should be a stretch," Xander observed.

"Everyone is to construct costumes based around this theme. The Master is exempted."

"You can't do this!" Cordelia exclaimed, almost in tears. "You can't seriously expect me to prepare for a party in a few hours?! Have you no mercy?!"

"No."

"We'll just see what the Geneva convention has to say about this." Cordelia muttered, furious.

"You are not a prisoner here, Cordelia. None of you are. You are free to leave at any time. Of course, this would mean forfeiting the prizes you requested in the event of winning the series..."

Everyone exchanged guilty looks.

"Cordelia, your apartment in Monaco, your private yacht, your personal stylist, your exclusive ownership of Keanu Reeves."

"All right already," Cordelia replied testily. "I'll just have to work another one of my patented miracles."

"And with such a challenging canvas."

"Xander, your sarcasm does not belie the fact that you will never gain the revenge you seek for the death of your friend Jessie at the hands of vampires if you lose. Neither will you be granted super strength and X-Ray vision."

Xander suddenly felt seven very probing gazes upon him. "What?" he said defensively.

"Willow, your goals are similar, albeit with one specific request as regards your choice of romantic companion."

Willow blushed scarlet and was thankful that Xander was too ashamed by the former revelation to see her expression.

"Buffy, Giles - your freedom from your roles of Slayer and Watcher depend on your participation here. Angel...your goals you wanted kept secret, but they shall be granted."

Buffy's eyes rested on Angel's for a second. Even Big Brother seemed to give this a respectful moment's pause. Willow braced herself for some Sarah McLachlan music, but it never came (thankfully).

"As shall yours, Harmony."

No-one paid this much attention save Harmony herself, whose eyes flitted shut as her mind dreamed of her own unique heaven...an apartment in Monaco, her own yacht, personal stylist, James Spader...and Cordelia Chase working as her maid, her skin blotchy, her hair unkempt, on her hands and knees scrubbing Harmony's toilet -

"Harm, you're making that noise again."

"Sorry Cordy."

Giles tapped the frame of his glasses on his teeth. "What about him?"

"Heinrich Joseph Nest requested the death of the Slayer, at his own hands, the destruction of the human race and the annihilation of all save the agents of evil."

"Well, I'd only get bored in Monaco." the Master shrugged. He was playing with something, Willow noticed. She craned her neck to try and get a better look.

"End of announcement. The party will begin in three hours. Evictions in six."

There was a click as Big Brother signed off. Harmony and Cordelia vanished in the direction of the female bedroom in the heartbeat after. Xander began saying something, but Willow - for once - wasn't hanging on his every word. She couldn't shake her sudden curiousity about the Master. He seemed...more confident.

And he was playing with FrankenBarbie.

Which had been in her room. Her vampire-protected room. On her bed. Under her pillow.

She was sure of it.

"Willow!" Xander was saying, his voice tinged with frustration.

She ignored him, still focussed on the Master. He glanced up, as if sensing her attention on him. He smiled slowly, and placed the doll down carefully on the table, before disappearing back in the direction of the male bedroom.

Something was very wrong indeed.

Buffy Big Brother - Week 1 - Day 7 (Part 4)

"Nice suit."
"Nice dress."
Buffy smiled. "Thanks."
Angel frowned a little. "I thought tonight's theme was - "
Buffy twirled, sending her white dress spinning around her. Angel fought the absurd notion to fight for breath.
"I'm going as a victim."
"Ah," he smiled, and extended a hand. They'd met in the adjoining corridor between the male and female bedrooms. Buffy accepted the invitation with a slight curtsey and bob - unable to stop herself smiling - and allowed Angel to walk her, arm-in-arm, to the living area.
"Dinner was nice."
"You don't slurp your blood. It's all a gal can ask."
Angel shook his head, defeated. Girls hadn't talked like this in the nineteenth century.
"All I meant was, I'd like to - "
"So would I," she assured him.
There was something to be said for this century after all...
----
"I do wish you wouldn't do that," the Master said, affecting an exasperated tone.
Giles stopped sighting down the crossbow. "Merely getting into character."
"Need I ask?" Giles patted his outfit proudly. "Van Helsing, vampire hunter, at your service."
"If you'd met the real Van Helsing..." the Master began, turning his back on Giles and clasping his hands together. He began a silent countdown.
"The real Van Helsing?"
"Miserable little charlatan. Took credit for the kills of vampire hunters who actually possessed the guts to get the job done. Lived off the fame of worthy adversaries. If only Holtz hadn't vanished...now there was a man who you'd be proud to eviscerate..."
"Fascinating," Giles fairly gushed. "I must say, your anecdotal..." ten, nine, eight "...references really are thrilling..." seven, six, five "...I'd love to get the chance to transcribe..." four three two -
"All ready?" Buffy chirped, poking her head into the room. "Giles, check you out!"
"Thank you. And yes, I am ready."
"All you need now is Dr. Watson, huh?" Buffy continued, oblivious to Giles' sudden dismay. "What about you, Nesty?"
All she got in return for this barb was a beatific smile. "Almost," the Master replied. "Just give me one minute."
----
Harmony was aghast. "Cordy...please don't do this..."
It was no use. Huge tears rolled down Cordelia's face. She sat in the middle of tonight's outfit, a hastily-thrown-together witches' ensemble featuring a black miniskirt and a neckline so plunging that several Armada shipwrecks nestled on its lower slopes. "They all hate me," she sobbed bitterly. "I just know I'm going to be voted out, Harmony. Girls out there will see me in here - I mean, look at me for Gods sake - and they'll hate me merely because I'm perfect and popular and young and rich and tanned. And I need that Monaco address. Those social lepers don't need world peace, Harm. Where would they go for their stupid little do-gooder clubs? By what other means than some sweatshop in Malaria-land could I get this sort of dress?"
"Maybe I'll be voted out," Harmony soothed her.
Cordelia flashed her a look. "Sweet Harmony - I really don't think you're going to inspire envy with that hair. No," she went on, oblivious to Harmony's dagger-filled look, "I must go to the Diary Room now and make a plea to my public."
"You're going to scrub my floors, bitch."
Cordelia waved an impatient hand as she fled the room, witches' broomstick clutched in her hand. "Not now, Harm."
"No," Harmony agreed, a faraway gleam in her eyes, "not now...but one day."
----
The party got under way. Xander had half-heartedly smeared himself with some green colouring and was sporting his most-tatty jeans (which were also, coincedentally, his second least-tatty jeans). Willow's costume consisted of her bedsheet wrapped around her, an effect which was supposed to be ghostly but ended up making her look like Socrates. Both were feeling quite inadequate compared to Buffy and Angel's efforts (only a fleeting glimpse had been caught of Cordelia as she scurried into the Diary Room moments earlier). Harmony's Banshee outfit - with hastily rearranged hair - was causing the Master to launch into another remembrance session, which currently held Giles spellbound.
"Fiercely independent spirits," the Master was saying. "Refused to take part in any part of my various designs. Of course, I was younger then, I thought the whole Christianity thing would blow over. Who knew?"
Even as he spoke the words, he could feel the effect of Luke's outside actions working upon him. With each life his Vessel took - and he was an efficient machine in that regard - the Master felt the various spells in place around the house have less and less hold over him.
Soon, he'd be able to defy the Sanctuary spell altogether. And he'd snap the Slayer's neck, with her powerless to do anything about it. It'd be almost too easy. Almost not worth it, to have such a cheap victory, with her unable to provide a fight worth relishing.
But on the other hand - what the hell, he thought.
----
"Big Brother?" Cordelia demanded. "I demand an audience with you."
A markedly female voice responded. "What is it, human?"
"Don't you human me," Cordelia replied haughtily. "I want to speak to my gorgeous public. Put me through to them immediately. I know my rights."
"You have the right to die!" the voice snarled.
"What is your childhood trauma?" Cordelia snapped back, truly amazed by the level of incompetency that faced her. "Put me through to them now or I'll have your job so fast they'll have a migrant worker living in your house and sleeping with your husband by the time you get home for your miserable little micro-budget TV dinner tonight, comprendez?"
"Speak, then, and shut up all the sooner."
"Thank you," Cordelia sighed, a martyr to her sense of patience. She flashed her most dazzling smile at where she imagined the camera to be in the shoddily-constructed wall before her. Hadn't this been a mirror a few days ago? She shrugged mentally. "Ladies and gentlemen, rich and poor, losers and upwardly mobile - Cordelia Chase here. I want to appeal to your better sense of judgement on behalf of a very worthy cause. My cause. Me."
----
Buffy absorbed what Willow had just haltingly told her. Disbelieving, she turned to look at the Master. Catching her eye, he smiled. Or at least bared his teeth, fangs and all.
Seconds later, Giles was catapulted through the air mid-"fascinating".
"Party on," the Master snarled, advancing toward them.
"Xander, Willow, behind me!" Buffy hollered, wrapping her arms around the heaviest table in the room and hurling it at the vampire, who made no attempt to avoid it.
He had no need to. No more than an inch from him, a blinding flash of energy removed the missile of its inertia. It thumped to the floor harmlessly, its trajectory watched with horror by the three retreating friends.
"Glorious, isn't it?" the Master chuckled. "Not as I'd imagined our final confrontation I admit. Although," and he paused, "there's something definitely familiar about your dress."
Angel stepped into line beside Buffy. She glanced to him in surprise; this was the first time he'd displayed real courage. "She's no victim."
"Oh, the puppy wants to play," the Master mocked. "He forgets he's even more neutered in this house than he was outside."
"Big Brother, what the hell is going on!" Buffy fairly screamed.
"Heinrich, stop this. You will be automatically disqualified if you continue."
The Master made to reply, thought about it for a second, and then shook his head. "I won't even dignify that with a response."
"Lift the Sanctuary spell, you morons!" Buffy demanded, she and Angel continuing to retreat. They were beginning to run out of room in which to retreat into. Buffy glanced to her right, calculated the distance to the doors to the garden outside, the garden bathed in -
- twilight?
"An eclipse," the Master supplied, seeing her expression. "Consider it my party piece."
"We're working on lifting the spell. Until then you'll just have to - what's going on? Who are you? No - no don't - "
The feed died.
"I brought a friend along too. Hope you don't mind."
Angel lunged. There was another flash of white light, strong enough to knock a man across a room. Angel barely staggered. He tried again, bringing his fists in for a devastating double blow. It never landed. This time the recoil was too much, and he was driven to his knees.
"How poetic," the Master sneered, and floored him with one punch. Buffy backed away, her eyes wide and filled with terror. Xander rushed forward in a suicide run at her tormentor. It proved to be an apt title - he was brushed aside with casual cruelty, landed heavily, and lay still.
The Master and the Slayer stood toe-to-toe.
"Nice dress," the Master whispered, and sank his fangs into Buffy's unresisting neck. He fed from her, draining her lifeblood, until her heartbeat slowed and eventually stopped altogether. Only his hungry feeding and Willow's broken sobbing could be heard in the room.
Done, he dumped her body on the floor, and raised his hands to the heavens. The foundations of the house shook. "The power," he said hoarsely, "my God...I never expected it to be so much...nothing can stop me now...I see you all, you miserable insects, and you're all going to - "
He paused.
"You're all going to - " he tried again.
"Hi," said Cordelia brightly, coming from behind him. "Can I have my broomstick back?"
" - die," the Master completed, before turning to dust. The broomstick which had been thrust through his heart from his back clattered to the ground. Cordelia snatched it up and used it to poke Xander in the ribs.
"You! Up! Now now! This is the chance of a lifetime for you - a comatose girl who can't possibly reject you. Snap to it, or I'll have to watch the redhead do it, and that would simply be too gross."
Xander snapped awake. He took in the scene.
"Huh?" he said, wisely.