Disclaimer: Saiyuki belongs to Minekura Kazuya.
It had to be settled someday, but not now.
Sanzo had no word to define this feeling. He just knew it wasn't anything; but maybe because it was a little bit of everything.
He felt a something warm settle down in him when Goku smiled.
But then again, that wasn't too special. Hakkai had commented once that Goku's presence had that kind of effect on people, on him as well. So, he couldn't call this feeling entirely his. It wasn't unique.
He liked how Goku's eyes lit up when he was really happy. Those eyes. You would never notice anything else on his face, because they were so bright, so clear. He couldn't call them beautiful, because that would sound funny, but Sanzo knew that those eyes were…
but,
those same eyes could look so sad sometimes.
That made him uncomfortable. But he knew how to get rid of the extra sheen. He would watch it roll down, and then he would say some words. It always worked. That made him feel special – but then again, it wasn't his unique talent. Hakkai could do it. Gojyo could do it.
He wanted to watch Goku grow. He wanted to give him freedom.
He wanted, to see him reach out for everything, because that's what suited him.
He dreaded the moment he would have to let go, but he knew he would.
This wasn't love. It was more than that. Deeper. More painful. More wonderful. More. Before he knew it, it became the reason for his existence.
But he would have to let go someday.
He knew he wanted to let him free. He knew Goku loved freedom.
Yet, he dreaded that moment.
He had thought Goku felt the same, but realized that it wasn't so.
Goku loved him. He was sure. And that wouldn't change, even though it wasn't the same feeling Sanzo had for him.
But Goku was growing up.
Sometimes, he wished time would freeze, and things would stay the way they are.
But the problem was, he liked seeing Goku grow up. Too much, to not let him go. And he would go. Sanzo knew that.
Maybe it was better this way.
He would die one day. And Goku would be able to move on. Goku would meet new people, see new things, embrace everything. The sheer thought of that shook him so much, because it felt so right. It was the way things were supposed to unfold.
He wanted to tell Goku about all of this, someday, but not today. Not tomorrow. But then again, maybe Goku already knew. There was no need to explain anything to Goku. He always knew. He had that knack.
Goku loved him.
And Sanzo felt loved. That was enough. Enough of a reason to let go. Someday.