Well here it is, another abstract song-fic to Matchbox 20's "The Difference" . I couldn't resist, it was one of those things that has been bugging me to be written since I moved. It's an angst piece (go figure) and a one-shot. It's all from Malik's point of view so forgive the odd random blurs; I just think Malik tends to think in a bi-polar way. This fic is for my beta readers (you know who you are and that you're the greatest people ever!), for Tarriq who wanted to know why I like Matchbox 20 so much, all Matchbox 20 fans and a few wonderful others, you know who you are because your special. Anyway, hope you enjoy. Flame if you want to cause it's not like my other song fics but I really don't care cause I wanted to write it so there! It was a vision of inspiration I had while listening to the song, oh and don't mind the "she" parts in the lyrics, I didn't want to change them I love them so much.
Malik: Another pairing with me and Ryou?
Ryou: Got a problem with it?
Malik: ^^ u No! It's just... with Drawing Down the Moon and all?
LYB: It was an uncontrollable urge I've been working on when the thought strikes me. So smile and take it like a bishie.
Malik: -_- u... don't I get a spoonful of sugar or something to make it go down easier...
LYB: *growls* This is a song-fic, not a God-forsaken musical!
Malik: whatever...
LYB: X_x...
Ryou: *giggles* LYB doesn't own any of the music she uses in this including Oasis, Matchbox 20 and Matthew Goode.
Song lyrics
**********************************************
Could I just be you tonight?
**********************************************
"Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you,
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do.
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do, about you now...
Backbeat, the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out.
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had to doubt.
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do, about you now...
And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you ‑ but I don't know how...
Because maybe,
You're gonna be the one that saves me...
And after all-
You're my wonderwall...
Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you.
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not do.
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do, about you now...
And all the roads you have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead you there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you ‑ but I don't know how...
I said maybe,
You're gonna be the one that saves me...
And after all-
You're my wonderwall...
Said maybe...
You're gonna be the one that saves me...
You're gonna be the one that saves me...
You're gonna be the one that saves me... ..."
That song...
I hum it over and over again in my head...
As if I'm trying to remember something. Something important...
Something sacred and special.
Trying to remember why that was song I picked for us. Why I forgot about it, why other songs took it's place.
Why he was everything to me... my very life... my wonderwall...
This all started some time ago now... Ra? Has it really been almost a year? No, not quite yet. I met him in February; it was that tournament that started everything. That was where I met them all for the first time. I knew Bakura already. In fact that was the odd connection of sorts. He used to date Bakura. He was Bakura's light. But I suppose that means nothing unless you know the circumstances I came out of first.
I still remember the first time I held him. The first time we cut class. I suppose, before I should mention this, I should note what my life was like at the time. Miserable... that noted...
Slow dancing on the boulevard
In the quiet moments while the city's still dark...
I'm serious. Before Ryou, life sucked. I found no enjoyment in it anymore, it was like waking up each day toB wellB nothing. Each day was an endless cycle of Isis either dropping off the face of the Earth for days on end or being an unbearable pain in the ass, being totally ignored by the people I used to consider my allies, video games that buried all the horrible free time in fictional reality. For awhile Squall Leonheart and I became one in the same, after that it was Riku... then Cloud Strife. Yeah, life sucked... life always sucked... it still sucks... but for awhile at least I felt almost human. I don't know what to say, he became everything to me in so little time and I don't know why.
They had all betrayed me. Every last one. The people I adored and trusted. I'd started to feel I was pushed aside in the very group I had created. Few of them meant anything to me anymore and the pain was getting worst every day. One day I just had it. Everything snapped -- it was the last chance to get out for good. The only ones who mattered to me left there were Rishid, my Yami and the newly added Bakura. So that was when, after Battle City was over and done with, I said fuck it. I'm going back to who I'm supposed to be.
I started school and I remember seeing him there again. I looked at him like I had at that tournament and thought he was once in a life time. You knew from square one that he was the kind that wasn't afraid to show his tastes and faults. He was the kind that was beautifully emotional. The kind everyone could adore. Always wore the same kind of clothes. Well worn t-shirts and sweaters that covered his shape, all round adorable. And as the days went by I realized that I was spending all of my time with him and Yugi, and I had completely abandoned the people I once sought the company of. Not that I stopped talking to them all together, but I found that these new friends was more honest, open and up my alley as opposed to the lying and bickering that went on in my former group. Though out of all of them, Yugi, Yami, Joey, the works... I always preferred his company... I don't know why.
When I met him, yeah, everything in my world was being striped away, I couldn't stand the people I used to be with any longer and I had to find something new. Fortunately I ran into this new group, Yugi, Yami B Ryou... all the others. I suppose I should thank Bakura for that because Ryou was Bakura's ex (and lighter half) and mentioned I would probably get along with him well. Bakura didn't live with Ryou, he was far too independent for that. So of course for awhile I still ignored the hikari fact until there was a tournament around the school for a bit of fun and I got to talking to Yugi, then Ryou joined the conversation. Surprisingly I found their company amazingly relieving. Despite the fact I was extremely leery at first but bit by bit over a surprisingly short amount of time they became my new source of livelihood.
Of course I never thought about any of this happening when I first met him. But I have to admit I was utterly delighted about meeting him. For sometime I knew who he was, being as close as I was to Bakura it was hard to escape the fact that he was once his boyfriend and his light and it wasn't hard to see why. Bakura has harsh taste in men; he won't as much as look at them unless they have some form of beauty and vivid personality. This one? I couldn't figure how he ended up as Bakura's ex. Getting to actually know him was something spectacular. He was charming, sweetly shy at first but then gradually talkative, creative, a skilled card player and (dare I say it?) interesting. Not to mention he had the softest, longest hair that I just wanted to reach out and touch and these star bright brown eyes. He was small, even shorter then me which is saying a lot because I never was the tallest.
Sleepwalking through the summer rain
In the tired spaces
You could hear her name when she was
Warm and tender
And you held her arms around you
There was nothing but her love and affection.
He was honest with me. We would talk for hours if nothing would interrupt us. True I didn't see him outside of school but I spent whole weekends and evenings doing nothing but talking to him on the phone. It was unreal how much alike we were despite coming from two totally different backgrounds and having two totally different stories. He and his father were close and I know he loved his family to death, while it wasn't unusual to have Isis kick me out of the house for days on end because I'd fucked something up. Still there was never a shortage of things to say and when it was like there was nothing more we could say about our inner personalities we'd spin off pages upon pages of stories about whatever happened to strike us as being interesting at the time. Time went by so fast when I was with him. But I didn't actually think I was falling for him. No it was the furthest thing from my mind.
But I did know one thing. He made the pain go away. When I was with him... I don't know. He was just that, my wonderwall. Nothing could hurt me anymore, nothing was as traumatizing. I slowly started to come back. I started to care again. Things that I had forgotten were all coming up in me again. Screw the punishment or dreaming... I could feel this thing pulling at me, bidding me to be more cheerful... more like me. I felt it whenever I was near him. He had so quickly become one of the best friends I had ever had.
She was crazy for you,
Now she's part of something that you lost...
Why I feel the need to write this I have no idea, it's just been burning into my mind. It started a few days ago, just a spark of an idea of things I wanted to say but never would. Ideas that started to work their way into the very center of my mind, burning little holes. Little bits of corrupted ration amid chaos... if that makes any sense at all. I had to do it. I had to say something. Even if it's dead paper it's such a relief to my mind and who the hell cares anyway? No one is going to touch this and of course silence is a better gift then the truth.
It's been burning me alive... I just started to have these dreams. Many I can't remember. But last night he was in my arms, alive and breathing... dressed in white, beautiful brown eyes gazing up at me with tender reverence as he sat on my lap. We were down at our little park bench, hidden down in among the walking paths of the river where we used to cut class together, just like it used to be. And he was smiling. That was always the most beautiful thing to see, my Ryou smiling. He could smile so freely with everyone else but there was a special one for me, it was sweet and shy, sometimes if I was lucky it was even loving and tender. Those smiles made my day.
Even now I can see him there, blush forming across his cheeks and neck as I dropped kisses across his bare shoulders. He had this way of both giggling and whimpering that would take my breath away and drive me crazy. Oh I shudder to think about it, it was just insane the things he made me feel! Nothing mattered when I was with him! It was like I was free, like nothing in the past could touch me... like I was happy. For fuck sake I was almost happy! -Almost- happy.
And for all you know –
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you wanna be.
Yeah, what you wanna be.
You see dreams are just that... at least for me they are... their just dreams, nothing more and from what I can see they never can be. I should forget them, tell them to go away and show a little self-control but I can't. I don't know why. I get to thinking about him and everything shuts down. So I spend day after day somewhere between killing time, wondering what the fuck am I doing here and trying not to wake up. Because when I do, I kick myself in the ass for being so incredibly stupid. And that's what it was too, stupid. That I wrecked my one shot at happiness.
I know if he could read this now he'd offer me that sympathetic look that did me in and say "Malik, you know your being a bit insane right?" I'd grin at him and reply.
"You always knew I was."
He'd probably laugh and say "Yeah, sure. Whatever floats your boat- even though there's a hole in it." But that was just Ryou. He had a way of seeing past me and into what I really was. I know what he would say if he read this but I also know, he'd know it's true. But in a way it's not. You see what pisses me off is I can point a finger right back at him but I never would. I have no will to, not after everything that's happened because what it comes down to is stupid misunderstanding and me being to much of a prick to say "Look, I'm human and I fuck up too. I'm sorry for it."
No I couldn't do it. Not after everything he's given to me. Because despite the fact that boy has made me crawl inch by inch through hell and stop to pick up every piece along the way, he gave me a piece of blessed heaven that I will cherish till the day I die. Every moment with him, I hold on to and adore. Ryou, if you ever come across this, you should probably know that. You were my heaven. You were my everything. I loved you, I still love you, I may always love you.
After awhile I noticed that Ryou, more so then anyone else there had come to mean something to me. We'd talk on the phone for hours on end, I remember killing whole weekends doing nothing but talk to him. Anything was fair game for topic; we always talked about RPG gamesB and anime, which was a common ground. Oh such things! Such bittersweet memories! And I suppose that's all they are, memories. I trusted him with everything and for meB that isn't something that happens easily. But I would tell him exactly everything that bothered me, how alone I really did get some times, how Isis was quickly becoming the bane of my existence. I created him with the good AND the bad, and he did to me too. He told me things and trusted me with things that even now I won't repeat because he put that trust in meB I won't betray it. I could count on him and he could always count on me.
Night swimming in her diamond dress
Making small circles move across the surface.
But, I didn't think it ran so deep. I had no idea. Sure I had been dating my own darker for almost four years at this point I didn't know my fascination with the same sex ran that deep, beyond my constant companion. Besides, it was obvious some time before that there was a rift that had come between us in the form of a pretty little vixen named Emma, whom I knew stole his heart completely. Not that it really bothered me, it only did when he tried to make it up to me by hiding the fact, then I would smile and say "It's okay, really." We were inseparable, the best of friends you could ever hope to see, and we still are. We just came slowly to the agreement that we had no interest in each other romantically just had a true and deep love: dark and lightB that would never be anymore. Neither one of us was heartbroken, neither one of us was sad, it just was. As a result I figured chances are I made a bit of an error down the line, maybe men weren't my thing after all. Girls had become appealing once again but for some reason, Ryou was just there in my mind. Girl watching and flirting were second place to him and it didn't dawn on me why. Not till a bit later.
So when did this revelation occur? Would you believe in the back seat of a mini-van on the way to Tokyo? Yeah, a bit odd, allow me to elaborate. Ryou had invited me along on this little shopping trip with his father which was fine and dandy. It was the first time I'd met Ryou's father and I was extra careful to keep my mouth (that has a habit of shooting off) closed. After all, I was frightened to death of this guy knowing very well he was protective of his son and liked few people Ryou kept company with. So sue me if I wanted to, for once, not cause trouble. The trip itself went over very well, despite I had a minor run in with Isis before I left as she didn't want me to go anywhere, of course she eventually changed her mind after I slapped her in the face with the old news announcement that she wasn't even fucking home anymore long enough to give a shit and that she wasn't even home at that moment. Score one for me, I got to go.
It was driving there, laughing about something on the radio that I looked up at him. I don't know why, maybe it was the way the sun had only risen a few hours before but I looked up at him, and I just froze. It struck me as he sat there in this edgy brown leather jacket and faded jeans bathed in orange and golden sun rays. He was beautiful. He wasn't just beautiful, he was gorgeous! The way the rays flicked in and out of his silky hair and danced on his pale skin. The way even it caught his deep brown eyes when he noticed I was staring and stared right back at me. His smile when he laughed at me when I shrugged, brushing it off then we both turned away. I kept looking over at him, I could get over it. Why hadn't I seen this before? When did he suddenly become an angel?
But of course, the thought freaked me out a bit. Here I was thinking after all of this I was pretty well straight as an arrow and now developing thoughts about who I was quickly coming to consider my best friend. It confused me but I suppose the reminiscing is pointless, considering the point I'm trying to get across. From that moment on I knew something was different. Before I'd do anything for him before, I'd spend all my free time with him, but after that... I knew I was falling totally in love with him. I didn't really want to say anything though... after all I still wasn't sure what to make of the fact my own sexuality was called into question. So I just decided to go with it.
Stand watching from the steady shore
Feeling wide open and waiting for
Something warm and tender
Now she's moving further from you...
I felt blessed in so many ways just to know him. He was beautiful AND contented me. I liked to touch his skin, trail my fingers over his arms and hands. He just looked so charming when he noticed what I was doing and would flash me a smile. It was also treasured. Of course mind you his father hated me because of an incident where I let him hide from his family at my house for awhile so I couldn't call him... but seeing him just for those few hours and trying to ease his pain made it worth it. I would have done anything for him.
The day I finally did tell him what I felt was probably the best day of my life. And I mean that down to ever letter of every word I've spoken thus far. It was a spring day. The very beginning of spring when the snow was still up to our ankles on the ground. New beginnings. Magical huh? I always did have a soft spot for magic things. I'd found out someday before in a wayward conversation that he didn't have a problem seeing another male, a revelation that delighted me completely. We had plans for just the two of us to skip off our last class and go down to the nature trails together, it would be our first trip down there. But, I had told one of my old card dealers I was fairly good friends with about my growing feelings for him and how he liked this one dueling card that was unbelievably rare. He thought my story amusing and just happened to have the card so lucky me, he send it express post to me. That morning we were supposed to take our walk, I challenged him to a friendly duel and put the card in my deck. I had it out in a few moves and for a moment he was stunned, then I pushed it over the table toward him with a simple "It's yours". It was the most rewarding thing ever when he bounded up and over to me, throwing his arms around my neck. When we went down to the path we found a little spot where I spread my jacket over the snow and we sat and watched the river. He was curled up in my arms and I had my chin rested on his head as we talked. Just thinking about it makes my stomach do odd things... it's really nice... soothing almost. He's hair had this nice shampoo sweet smell to it and I don't know if he noticed or not that I couldn't resist just once kissing the top of his head.
It was when we were walking back that he asked me if I had an interest in anyone and I smiled a bit and tapped his forehead, just saying "you". For a moment he said nothing, just looked at me like I was insane so I dejectedly turned away and kept walk, then he tackle me, smiling up at me with such joy and delight I wanted to cry out of happiness and we had our first kiss. I couldn't tell you which of us moved first, I really do think it was him, but I didn't care. He felt for me. That was all I cared about.
I suppose absolutely none of this is relevant in the least. It's just a waste of my time that seems to constantly waste my time. It frustrates me to the point I want to cry if I had it in me to shed anymore tears for him! And yes, I'm not as icy as I think people like to think I am, I've cried so many tears over that boy some days I couldn't tell you if he was my lover of my enemy. But I loved him; with all my soul I loved him.
What happened in between then and what I've come call the downfall is irrelevant. Along with all the other side plots and trials that came with the start of our relationship, what I'm trying to put together in my mind right now is how I came to be here. More or less than I thought I was... I can't really say. That's what I'm trying to measure. More honestly, I can't tell you what in the name of god happened. We were happy once, at the beginning. Then for some reason he turned cold on me. I can't tell you why. I think it was because maybe I spoiled him and he came to expect too much from me. I know he loved for us to go on our walks and to be very openly loving to him and I tried my best! I really did! Of course I had this awful habit of doing things wrong when I didn't know it and it would upset him. I hated upsetting him. I tried my best anyway I could to show that I loved him and to keep him happy but I still can't tell you what went wrong. Maybe he could tell you, but I can't.
I couldn't help being frustrated with it. I mean, Ishtar was never that complicated, he was happy with me sitting and watching him play video games. I suppose my frustration fueled the conflicts. As I said before his father hated me and refused to let us be around each other though we did anyway and I think that wore Ryou down after awhile. I know it did me. I couldn't call him, he had to call me. We couldn't meet outside of school and had to be careful on our rendezvous' not to let anyone who knew his father see us. Yeah... that got real old. And through it all, he was still my best friend, through it all I loved him beyond words can express. By the time summer came around I though everything was all better! We were happy and we had won! I had been holding him one day when we went on a road trip with a friend of ours and I put on the song "Downfall" by Matchbox 20 for him to listen too. That was the song I took for the two of us then. He was my savior and I was his downfall, but we were together, and I adored him completely. I still nearly cry went I hear it, or I laugh and sing with it at the top of my lungs because I can still feel that emotion so strong and so fresh! And the more he's gone the more I feel it die and I can't let it die, I just can't.
There was nothing that could
Make it easy on you.
Every step you take reminds you that she's walking on...
To me it ended out of a clear blue sky. Or should I say – a storming, black sky. I had asked him two weeks before to call me but he hadn't and I couldn't call him to see why. An old friend had tried to OD himself at the beginning of this time period, Bakura was in a state of similar nature and I was trying to help him out, then wonder of wonders Rishid had tried to go jump his ass off a bridge. It was a wonderful period and all through it, not a word from the only thing that kept me sane. In a way I was glad he didn't call, after all, it would be so unfair to ask him to shoulder that weight with me, but I needed him so badly too. Damn, I sound so obsessive... I shudder to think. No, I'm not obsessive. I'm out of my mind but not that far gone.
When he did finally call I missed it because I was with Bakura and we were trying to get through the whole bridge ordeal and my current vex with Ryou and couldn't call him back. The same day we got a call that Rishid had tried to take a full bottle of Tylenol then cut his wrist. I think it was Yugi who called me the next morning and told me to call Ryou, so I did. And here I am, just 3 hours asleep upon coming back from getting Rishid back to the hospital, petrified I was either going to loose Bakura or Rishid any minute, Isis was missing again and all I needed was a little sleep and a kind word from the one I missed so badly, but no... he started to gripe at me about something I couldn't get my head around at that moment and I felt like the world was coming down on me! I couldn't handle him being upset too... I hated him being upset... so I told him to call later when I could handle it, he said it was over, and promptly hung up.
The fact he hung up didn't even click with me for awhile. I was so exhausted... I just couldn't deal with anything anymore... I hung up the phone, walked to the bathroom, through up everything I had eaten in the past two days (which wasn't a real lot but enough) then fell down on the bathroom rug and passed out.
Yeah, for all you know
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you want...
I slept there in my un-dreaming state until the phone rang and Bakura asked me if I was ready to go see Rishid. I told him to come get me since Isis took our only car and off we went. It was in the hospital waiting to see Rishid the next "stage" happened. Rishid asked me to bring his apple-laptop so I did, and out of boredom used it to go on line. Ryou was on. I had to say something! I had to know what was going on! That seemed well and fine till I told him the nurse said we could see Rishid and I told him I'd be right back. I only wanted to go in and excuse myself so I could go back to talk to him but where I laid the computer there was this long message about priorities and such that was total gibberish to me and I cursed and kicked the chair then slammed the computer shut.
For days on end I was angry. I was beyond angry. Somewhere along the little duessa had tricked me and betrayed me when I needed him most. What else could I be but angry? If I resolved myself to letting him go I could see how much I loved him and felt to let down to allow myself that misery. I couldn't take anymore misery. So I was angry instead. Thank Ra for Ishtar and Bakura who were very much sympathetic to me, even as my world continued to break off in parts. Bakura did get better though, he became my strength like I tried to be his. What else could he do? Everything was nearly over for me. I was starting to feel I had the touch of death. Yugi had stopped calling my too, probably out of loyalty to Ryou. But Yami surprisingly didn't, we stayed very close and he would take me to the movies as friends when I got to broody and mourning or ranting over Ryou. Everything was gone to hell. I hated being home, Isis had all but vanished to Ra knows where and that big house drove me insane. It made me feel all alone all the time. And through it was I remained angry until one fleeting moment.
I saw him. For the first time since that day, I saw him. At the movie theater where me and some of my older friends I still had a strong connection to were at to pass the time. He was just leaving. He wore the leather pants he always seemed to have on and a black sweater. He looked but the same as he had the last time I had seen him. I watched him walk by without seeing my, then walk straight out the door and not look back.
Every word you never said
Echoes down your empty hallway.
Then I felt it. Something so raw, so intense, so completely overwhelming I grabbed on to Bakura and told him to take me home. He rushed me to the car where I started to cry uncontrollably. I really cried. I cried till I couldn't take it anymore. Just like a lost child, I wept and whimpered and bawled till there was nothing left in me to make the tears flow and then I sobbed and wailed till I didn't even have the energy to do that. That became my nightly tradition for the next three days.
If it isn't one thing, it's another. About two weeks had passed. I was starting to feel almost human again. My pain for him lived on, but I had grown used to it, like a wound that won't heal to you start to ignore the blood. The city fair we had all been looking forward to was occurring in just a little over a week and it seemed things were going well. I had plans to go back to Cairo to go to university or something and didn't really have anything left without Ryou to make me stay. I was moving out of my house cause I couldn't take Isis any longer with her absence and anger, she was always throwing me out anyway so I was going to move in with Ishtar who had gotten a nice place down in the city. Then once more, all hell broke loose.
I won't get into all the details; I have no interest in reliving it. Isis landed herself in the hospital the fourth mark on my list of close friends and family being suicidal and I did have much choice in the matter any longer. I was going to have to leave for Cairo as soon as possible. So arrangements were made I was to leave the day after the fair we had looked forward to so well.
And everything that was your world –
Just came down...
I can't tell you what I felt. All I can say for sure it... after everything my soul had been dragged through by this point, I needed him. Just to see him. I had to just see him, without malice, without pain. I just wanted to love him. I still loved him and adored him like I always did, I could never really get beyond that. I had plans to met Yami at the fair and he told me to be a bit patient when I got there because Ryou would be with him and might not be too fond of me. I accepted this, but I couldn't stand the idea of meeting him on bad terms. I wanted to meet him on his terms, not Yami's. So I got Ishtar go online and find him for me, since I was pretty sure with his temper he had blocked me. It took an unreal amount of courage just to say hello to him and he promptly blocked me again but I couldn't let everything we had thrown out so readily and I tried again, being as humbly submissive and modest as I could. He did agree to meet me, and told me where, then as a sign of goodwill, I left him be but my heart was racing out of fear, excitement, who knows what? I didn't care if it would be a cold meeting, I just wanted to say good-bye, like a true friend as unlike me as that seems. I still loved him and above everyone else revered him, he had been my best friend and now I see he really did save my soul. Without his memory I never would have made it through that terrible time. I couldn't bear to leave on such bad terms with him.
I couldn't sleep that night and was anxious all day till I finally got there and made my way through the lights and sounds to find him. Walking in and out of the crowd, who in turn walked around me. There's something amazing about a carnival and a midway. Everyone there is content and for one day living for the moment, not the future or the past. He was there, walking with Yami. I watched him a minute, trying to gather my small bits of courage before finally running up and jumping on Yami's back which I figured would show that I was in a good mood and willing not to be bitter with anyone at the moment. I offered him a smile and we greeted each other civilly before the three of us went out onto the midway, though I can't tell you how completely nerve wracked I was being near him. It was wonderful being near Yugi again to who I had missed terribly and having him in such high spirits to have me around!
Day breaking on the boulevard
Feel the sun warming up your second hand heart
Light swimming right across your face
And you think maybe someday, yeah
Maybe someday...
I can't really say what changed between us over the day, or when it changed. It was like old times all over again. We were laughing and joking... and when he put his arm around me, I knew somehow it was okay. I just enjoyed being near him again. I enjoyed being in love with him without the sadness. I enjoyed my last moments with him in my life before I would have to turn and leave him. I remember it was just the two of us at one point and it started to rain. Really pour rain and laughed, running out into it like in a moment of carefree bliss and he called for me to chase him. For a moment I stood in the rain, awestruck at how beautiful he was in this innocent state before indulging our whim and racing after him in the pour rain. We were soaked to the bone and had to go home to change clothes. As Yami drove the group of us to our respective houses to get dried off in turn, Ryou sat on my lap, content to have my arms around him again. It reminded me of the way I held him our first time together.
Sometime when the night had come and the bright lights had opened their arms to us and the sky, casting brilliant colors over us and the world, I looked down on him from where I had my arm about his waist and said "About what happened..."
He hushed me gently and smiled tenderly responding with just "Let sleeping dogs lie." So I did.
Good-bye was so bittersweet. I don't really want to say anything about it at all, but if I'm going to get this off my chest like I planned I have to. He was in my arms the whole way as Yami drove us to his house. I never wanted to let him go and in my heart I was already crying because I knew I would never look upon that face for an unbearably long time. I didn't think he'd still feel for me, but it seemed he did and it made him all the harder to set free. I gazed at him, memorizing everything about his face as he looked back at me so I could always have the picture in my mind then kissed him. With all my heart and soul in one movement, I kissed him. And that was everything I had to say to him. I miss you, I'm sorry, I wish I could always be with you, I will always love you. As he got out of the car, I gave him my last parting gift: the ring I had worn in my grand-mothers memory since I first started high school. I had to give him something, something as a piece of me, something I would have to come back for, so I would see him again. Then with one last look, he walked into his house and I haven't seen him again.
For all you know
Yeah, this could be
The difference between what you need
And what you want...
So now here I am; in Cairo, spending most of my days studying, being bored and being a university student. I have a few good friends, a few good pastimes, and a bittersweet memory to give my mind food for thought. I still don't know what he feels for me. He knew did make it clear where we stand and that though haunts me. I miss him badly. I miss everyone there. I just wish I knew what he felt. What song does he think of for me, just like I think of "Wonderwall" and "Downfall" for him? I thought once maybe it would be nice if his song were "Bright Lights" by Matchbox 20... But I think it's more like "Weapon" by Matthew Goode. Who knows? Sometimes I wonder if he thinks of me this way. Of course most of these thoughts are compilations of what I usually think about concerning him. I had to say them... for whatever reason... if only to dead paper. I wonder what he feels for me. If he's ever poured out all of his emotions like this on a piece of paper in the hope that maybe it will resolve. Or someone will find it and offer an absolution. I wonder if someday this will ever find its way into his hands and everything I should have said, he'll finally know. I wonder, after all this, if he'd even care. I suppose there's only one way to see, but frankly I don't have the guts to show him. Truth be told, I haven't spoken to him in so long I wonder if he even wonders at all.
Things happen, time goes on, and wounds heal. But for now, I guess I just like picking at the scab though it may just make it scar worst. At least it will remind me, I was once loved and I once loved in return and that someday I will probably love again. Every now and then I see someone in the hall going to class who has the same hair and I feel my heart leap. I nearly call out to him then I just smile a bit sadly and keep walking. I can't help that I see him. Sometimes I feel him near me. Sometimes like now I miss him horribly till I want to cry. And sometimes I think it was for the best and there's a new future opened up to me that I should thank him for, because I wouldn't be here without him.
Ryou, the world is a beautiful place. You made me see it that way. All my tears, all my dreams and all my love could never even come close to being as grateful to you as I should be. My angel, my tenshi, the things you have saved me from you'll never know. The things you have moved me and inspired me to do you will never understand. But I know in my heart for much every one of those things has meant to me and how much you mean to me. I love you, I may always love you and even if nothing ever comes of it, you have to know that I never wanted to harm you and that everything I have managed to do since that day you took me into your circle has been for you. Tenshi, you are the most remarkable, complex and enlightening soul I have ever know and I hope that you will always be that way and keep inspiring everyone the way you inspire me. If anything... I owe you this, the truth of what I felt, so you can look back and see it wasn't all in vain my beautiful. You didn't fail at anything, you did the impossible – you made me learn to love.
– Malik Ishtar
Yeah, for all you know
For all you know
Yeah, for all that you know
This is what you wanna be
Girl, what you wanna be?
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Yeah... not like my others I know, and not half as good... but I felt a need to write it, so here it is. It might be nice to get a reply from Ryou and see what he thinks about this but I'll leave that to people out there who want to take a shot, after all *laughs* after writing this I'm a bit bias to Malik. Anyway, thanks for reading this piece of something-or-other (I'm not really sure what it is) through to the end and sorry if I disappoint. It was one of those writers' things.